Stuck

Do you ever feel stuck? Like what you are doing just isn't good enough. You aren't good enough. I thought these thoughts are gone, I thought this need had withered away. It has crept its big nasty head round the corner and it isn't backing down. Curled on my sofa crying, avoiding any form on contact because I hate the sight of anyone else right now. I don't want them to see me looking like this, looking worthless. Feeling lost. I can't explain to you how I am feeling because it is just sorrow, deep and painful sorrow. My eyes are sore and tired. My cheeks are red and soft. My stomach is ripping itself apart and my head has a thousand drums playing within it. I don't want to exist today, but unfortunatly there is no skip button. Only a stop.

Pain

I haven't felt utter lonliness like this in a while. The tears building up in my eyes while my sleep deprived body lays motionless on the bed. I want to be held, tightly in someones arms. Kissed and the forehead as they list the little things they like about me. Not generic shit about my body, but meaningful about myself. The little things I do. I wan't to feel appreciated....loved. I am starting to hate my reflection again. Fat, disgusting, unattractive, hated, unwanted, annoying. I can't not enjoy anything without feeling paranoid about my presence being an annoyance. I want to hurt myself, the urge is there. I am fighting it but it will win. I need to feel thr satisfaction of my blood running down my skin... Kill me... i'm going under and I can't keep floating alone

Small World

Hello small world, It has been a while. Much has been experienced in my absence and it has given me an insight within my mind that is catastrophic. Firstly, I came back from a 6 day learning 'vacation' from Romania in Saturday. We visited Palaces, admired the beautiful Architecture of the city, ate some delicious food, had drunk memories with some amazing people, and some bickering between friends. The thing that has stuck within my mind is the autopsies. The strangeness of the whole experience, they were dead infront of me. My heart pounded, however my eyes were fixed on every movement the assistant made. It was fascinating, overwhelmingly so. People had many different reactions to watching a person being dismembered. Some went to vomit or sit down (granted I did this on the second day). Some dove in with a medical desire to learn more. Some watched intentely in a rather psychopathic way. Some gained a great depression, thinking about how short life is. Talk to everyone about their experience has been like fixing a puzzle, as some of the pieces needed filing down. I have been thinking about writing to you, but no actual inspiration has come from this. I am sitting in my bed, trying to gain the motivation to start getting ready, feeling used...again, with the faces of the dead haunting my mind, life is too short and fragile to be fucking it up, fighting, watching the world burn. Cynthia came out in Romania but she was managed and handled as she was appreciated. She has never felt powerful, not like that! Felicia has been used, and she is feeling tired from this. There is only so much one persons heart can take

Have you ever?

Have you ever been so sad, it hurts. You can feel your heart swelling with pain and the tears flood out of your eyes so quickly it practically drowns you. You are silently sobbing so your pressure points feel like they are about to explode? Every tear burns your skin as it evaporates into the surroundings. You feel tired after hugging your legs, feeling the brunt of your sorrow in the pit of your stomach. I thought I was over this sort of pain, this anguish and distress. It feels like I am mourning, but to mourn you have to loose someone through death. Is that always the case? This feeling then slowly fades, instead of complete sorrow it then turns to blankly staring at the ceiling. Calculating every single next move and conversation I am going to have. Thinking about the past and trying to change the future. Mind racing, quickly, thoroughly, starting a domino affect of doors opening and shutting within my mind. My happiness sits on a gentle thread now, one blow and it could all be over. However, the sun may shine through and let me sit here calmly, peacefully until I can find myself back onto that ledge. Burning, not heart burn. Just burning, like someone is holding a small flame inside my arteries, the lava like blood flooding through my veins. Agonisingly painful, this is how I shall live. In a paradox of happy to unhappy states of mind. What have I done? (In a sense of contemplation, a self relflection, rather than actually asking) I just want to leave and never come back now. Go to a different country and hide out my days being a run away, a coward, a typical scaredy cat. Panic is setting in! I don’t particularly handle panic …

Why?

Why is it when I talking to someone and trying to cheer them up I have to talk about myself. I hate that about myself. I know what to say and know excatly how to cheer them up put I am so selfish. I want to tell them everything they need to hear in a gentle, sympathetic kind of way. But it never comes out of my mouth. I want to tell them that I am their for them, understand their problems and trying to find genuine solutions to their problems that will help them! I want to be their for people. My brian panics, it's a treacherous thing. I need to show people that I care, that I am listening, I need to just sit there, not talk and let them get it out of their system. I want to just hug them, or make them a cuppa. Give them my full attention. That is defo on my list of things that need to change, I can do this!

Split

So me and my friend have just gone our seperate ways after watching a highly crushing film. It is about a man with 23 different types of personality and it is called Split. Undeniabley, I was extremely excited because I have a some what connection with the film and a strong interest. Anywho, the film goes on, James Mcavoy holding his own making the whole film. But there was something missing. Instead of 23 different personalities he should have the ones you get to see. So about 4, then you could get incredibly complex. Granted playing a person with this disorder would be incredibly difficult. It was over rating and my soul is crushed. The acting was bad, the production was bad. Ugh it had so much potential ffs. However, I will tell you some things I have realised about myself through this. When 'Hedwig' came on, he is a little 9 year old boy. Obvs, the extremity of the personality disorder stomps mine to look like a grain of sand. She loved it, I could feel her heart warming, the my mini-me was excited, she wanted to join in with him and sing/dance. Oh I haven't felt her this excited. The older girl was hating the whole thing, until the 'Beast' comes along. I won't spoil anymore of the film. She was fascinated by his ideas and complexity. Mesmerised by the possibilities. I am now starting to distinguish when my personalities are out. Oh btw, Fredrick is annoying. He was stood up in the cinema just looking at me. While I was walking home he walked behind me, instead of his usual in front and hide. He stalked me, made me feel unsafe. I hate when he does that, he just stands and smiles. Anyway, off topic. So the older me is out when I eat meat, so I have been a vegetarian now for almost 11 years. She craves meat, she loves it so bad. If you see me eat meat, then that's not me. She is very good at being me, because she hates me and wants to destroy me. But that isn't me. Call her out. She doesn't have a name but do it! If I am constantly talking about sex, then it's him. Trust me, he loves the topic and can talk about it for hours. That's him. All he wants and it gets hard, I don't enjoy sex when he is out.... The little girl, will not listen. Get overly excited about something she has just thought about. Almost ditsy. She will literally stand/walk blankly and will giggle, or get excited when childrens things are around. She's harmless, but hard to handle. Babysit her. Then there is me, who I am right now. Someone that is learning every single day, evolving. I am sad, even depressed. I can feel suicidal but I am caring, loving and passionate. I can get cloudy headed and make bad choices just like any other human being. She is telling me to stop. Even though this film is far fetched and is nothing that the real thing. Same with me. It shows how quickly a personality can change. Moments, seconds, and they can be out for even a brief moment in time. You could be talking, turn around still talk but to a different person. Without knowing it. I am upset about how shit the film was but I am happy that I am learning myself. I think this will be handy for the future. Friendships, relationships and family could all use this information. Wow this is long, but i'm writing as I think. The real me is out atm, but it took something to push it out of me. Maybe the walk up to my friends in the rain helped. The atmosphere was relaxing. Idk. Right, I need to make my bed. I just had to write this down before I forgot. I really did! Fuck it could have been so much better 🙁🙁🙁🙁 I am so dissapointed. Bring on Logan!!

Um what?!

So. I just want everyone to lay of me about my eating patterns just a little bit. Like, I am still eating, just not as much as a person should eat. I am not hungry. I do not feel physically hungry, and when I do eat the taste of food just makes me feel shit. The feeling of food being in my stomach makes me feel heavy and sluggish. It is not a feeling I am enjoying, and I am just not eating for a while until I get my appetite back. It will come back I know it will. People keep telling me that I have lost weight and they are worried for me. I haven't lost that much weight? And I do work out, I go to the gym and I walk literally everywhere I go. So that should be the reason why I am loosing weight if any. I don't see a weight change but others might. P.s. I am literally going insane. You might read that and roll your eyes, I am going insane. I am self destructing on another level. Not even a down suicidal level anymore. It is a fuck it I am not scared of dying so let's so dangerous shit attitude. I am ready for risks, and little games people have to throw at me. Ah fuck it I will be reet hahah! Woke up in a right mood 😂

A quick update

I have made a friend that is going through practically the same situation as me. It is quite refreshing to know someone completely understands. I haven't been holding anything down well this week and my head has been a mess. I was stood in K's kitchen last night and I literally heard bells ring, loud bells. I am starting to understand what is real and what isn't. It is very hard to distinguish but it is becoming clearer. However, I haven't had a sober day since new years and it has fucked up my head. I am so stressed out, looking at my work and nothing is coming into my brain apart from the mistakes I have made. All of them.... not just recent ones. They keep flooding my head, they come all at once and hard. Like a projector in front of my eyes just playing every awful move I have made. How crazy is that?! Once they come into my head, my heart sinks. It feels like I am drowning in my decisions, I can't breathe, my heart pounds and I loose all balance and thought. I have been walking on a night to just clear my head and suddenly, I forget where I am. Panic and then return to my 'normal' state. You know what is killing me at the moment, I hurt my best friend. I understand that, but what has hurt me the most is how hurt she is. I honestly didn't think it would affect her the way it has, in all honesty I didn't think she actually cared that much. Knowing what I know now, I know that's bollocks. I am looking forward to my future and I am loving everyone that is in my life right now. My heart is so warm when I am around them, and I feel completely loved. Although, they are a complete mix of personalities we fit like a puzzle. I am so happy to be apart of that puzzle. Ta ta for now

Tired...

Got kicked out of my bed at 1am this morning by my drunk mother. Had to sleep on the sofa where my dogs kept waking me up every hour to say hello. My mother kept mentioning him and I saw him having a great time, which I love. He still pouting and smiles as he dances. I am fed up of this feeling now. All my bad decisions from this month are coming back to me aswell 😂 so that is a blast! Dangerous decisions can be safe, safe decisions can be dangerous. My parents really need to stop drinking now, kinda ridiculous. Bring on september when I go to Newcastle!

Rant time...

I understand that I am a shit person. Has anybody stopped to think about why I am spiriling out of control? Not talking to the people I love the most? Has anybody realised that I am taking this break up so badly that I can't even associate myself with my closest friends because it reminds me too much of him. The nostalgia I get from thinking about each individual always ends up reminding me on how badly I treated people. All the mistakes I have made, and the fantasy of the what ifs? I regret a lot of things and constantly think of ways to make everything right, everything good again. I can't though because I was the problem all along. I am not looking for sympathy or a 'poor you'. Just stated my thoughts. Everything hurts, I can't stand this and it is sending my mind crazy. I am doing things I literally shouldn't be and I am stressing out like mad. The girl in my world has gone because of my ignorance and self pity. The boy in my life has gone because of my attitude, stupidty and lack of appreciation I showed. I understand every bad thing I have done and it haunts me. People that actually know me should understand I overthink everything. To every little detail. I can imagine so many things happening that my reality dissapears completely and I get lost. I hate myself, and I have created imaginations of things to help me cope because I am literally fighting myself. I know what I did and I am sorry. If you are reading this and I have done something to upset you, hurt you, annoy you, or even pisses you off. I am sorry. I know that sorry is over used, and the meaning obliterates over an extensive amount of time. I am, I don't know how to express I am.... I know this is whats happening, I know this may be hard for some, I know how selfish I am. Believe me when I say I trying. If I don't change the way I am my life is going to be a lonely one, and it will be literally all my fault. I'm really trying ....that's all

Hard day

I don’t know why today has been exceptionally hard. I keep getting flashbacks of me and him, I thought they had stopped. I nearly messaged him a massive paragraph, but I know he won’t reply. He is happy now I guess so why should I disrupt that. It hasn’t been a hard couple of weeks, in fact it has been quite adventurous. Maybe, a little too adventurous to be honest. I have laughed and enjoyed myself, but it all comes down to him. Especially when I am in a down mood. I guess all my sadness shapes him in my mind and just cheers me up. Even for a second before I realise it isn’t real. Why is this so difficult? Why hasn’t he found it difficult? I just want to talk to him. I can’t My university choices are getting back to me and the one I really want to go too has send me an offer. It is a few hours away from home but it is a nice place. A lovely environment to literally start fresh. I am scared, what if after all this I don’t get in. I am nervous that I wont make any friends. What if i don’t get housing in time? What about money? What about everything, I am scared and I know the reassurance is there in my head. The other voices are happy for me, which is so strange hahaha. They want me to do this and excited. Maybe because it is a new start for them aswell? Who knows. I am in heartbreak and break down constantly. Doesn’t matter who I sleep with there is no connection, no nothing. I am just trying to replace something that I feel is missing, that isn’t fair to them. If I am only with someone because I am replacing someone else, the feelings I will have for the will be elovated because of the excitment, which can be mistaken for love. When in fact it isn’t. I know what love feels like and I don’t think I will find it again, that is another thing that scares me. I am becoming less and less of the person I am to fight this pain. Does it mean I am growing as a person? Maybe. Does it mean I have changed? Sure. I wanted to change… I am getting my new tattoo in March, deposit down and I am so excited. I will show you guys and explain to the tattoo when I have had it. Just because it is going to be long winded in itself. Thanks for being so patient with me, bye guys.

Moving on?

As the month is coming to a vast and quick close. My college work is at an all time high and I am drownining in work. I will get it done though, because I need to get to university and dissapear from Huddersfield forever. Once I am there, I will only return for christmas maybe. I had an amazing night out last night with my festival family and a couple added extra friends I have recently made. I partied hard, drunk hard, laughed hard. Didn't get angry, didn't cry, I was floating about doing my own thing. I love the fact everyone appreciates everything about a person when they care about them yanno. Flaws don't matter. I am learning about myself, and about others in a totally different way. Obvs I would change the past if I could. However, I am very content in where I am right now. I went home with someone that goes to my work and it is going to be insanely awkward now. People can call me a slag, slut all they want. I am enjoying myself and enjoying being single. The past 24 hours have been excellent, adventurous and just exciting. I understand people are still talking about me and my name is on your lips. Not fed up yet? I know this blog is a well talked about subject aswell which I find highly amusing. I hope people that feel the same as me are reading this and finding it helpful, less alone. Or if people are reading this out of interest then I am glad you are here. Every single persons interpretation will be different depending on the mind set of each reading. However, you only get the answers you are looking for if you ask the correct questions. People need self discovery and so do I. I am learning and growing, where-as many people in this world don't allow that growth. It sucks and it hurt but the results seem to be worth it. X

Events

Yesterday was spontenous, we went out for one drink for Lucas's 18th and we ended up in parish for the pub quiz. I am sat waiting for my bus which means i'm gunna be about 40 minutes late to college. I had a breakdown at college yesterday, but I did have a really good night. Good company and a really good laugh. I think I text my ex? But I can't remember? Oh well fuck it, it was going to happen at one point. I am just going to delete his number, that is the best way. I need to put my head down and get my grades for my university offers. This is a really boring post rn. I think the past two days has subsided the lonliness feeling by a huge degree, during the week it will quickly come back.

Thinking with myself

I had a conversation with her in the mirror yesterday. She was staring right at me, controlling me. I was in hysterics while she was extremely calm. It was the weirdest experience of my life. This may seem fake and not real, but I guarantee it is. Instead of me talking to her in my head, it was the other way around. She was talking to me in my head. I wasn't drunk, I wasn't on drugs just simply distraught. I miss a lot of people I have pushed away, but that is just what life is right? People come and go, make new friends, new circles new lives. Unfortunately, it takes longer than other. I have to repeat this to myself on a daily basis so that I don't completely collapse everywhere I go. I am selfish, but I am doing this with the purest of intentions. If people hate me that makes it easier for them to let me go, makes it easier to loose ties and connections that were made. I need people to help me, to listen to me even if I repeat myself constantley, acting like they care. It doesn't have to be sincere. Just someone to listen. I had to phone the samaritans yesterday just to have someone to talk to when I was sad. I need to get excited with people and plan. I fear it is too late to start building bridges with people I have already burnt down. I will wait a little longer. It can go two ways, I wait and it becomes too late or I wait and it will be the perfect opportunity. I envy alot of people and their happiness, purely because they have what I want. I had that, and that is the biggest regret of my life. I'm not going to sit here and lie to myself. He is in my thoughts 24/7 and I am clinging onto the what ifs. I don't think I will ever get over him. Now more than ever... I hate how I have destroyed myself, and my eyes are open to the mess I have made for myself.

Comfort

All I need right now is a cuddle. Like not sexual, just a big hug. Someone to just wrap their arms around me. No words, just the expression. Squeeze me. Look me in the eye and smile. Then leave. That's all I need. I heard her wake up today....

Fragile

So i got home from meeting that guy. Pure dirty looks were given to me as my parents were obviously unhappy in my decisions. It got to around 8pm while I was getting ready to go out for a couple of drinks for my friends 18th. My Dad then decided to start shouting at me for reasons I can understand. He was worried about me and called me selfish. Then because both my parents were drunk (shock), and argument errupted. He then proceeded to tell my mum he didn't want to be with her anymore, and I practically got blamed. Other arguments started about how I am a slag, how unhappy they are in which is partially my fault. Because I start all the drama in my family apparently. Then my mother then keeps repeating 'she wants to kill herself' in my Dads face. I, at this point was fighting back tears as my makeup was done. Another argument happened about how I am not depressed, that it isn't real. I stormed out and had a panic attack in the taxi going into town. This wasn't a normal cry, this was then hardest sob I have ever experienced in my life. Got to parish and we was smoking. These too lovely guys sat with us and started chatting some utter bollocks which really brightened up the atmosphere. I was in stiches. Now, I am home. My mind is racing, I wanted to stay out and get wrecked. Just phone in sick to work, that wouldn't have helped. Waking up just stuck with my built up emotions. Having a 'chat' with my Dad in the morning which shant be fun. Work will take my mind off everything hopefully and so will kick boxing. It comes in threes right? I pushed the person I love away into someone elses arms (which in fairness, she will make him happy. Doesn't make it easy though), I had some weird news I need to think about, and my parents are thinking about splitting because of me. How eventful has this past couple of weeks been. I'm a wreck, a literal wreck. I am fighting a losing battle guys. Seriously, I really am trying. I am not drunk, just confused. I'm not strong enough to deal with this

Fucked...

I am just laid on my bed thinking about how life could have been so different for me. I know that idolising the past isn't helpful for moving into the future. Hear me out! Everyone does it, thinks about their life, the way they could have changed everything. At this very moment in my life I feel useless, scared and alone. I know I am not alone, I have people that care for me, and are willing to help. I am trapped, so trapped. I keep typing and deleting everything on here now as I feel cautious. This was my sanctuary, somewhere to express my feelings, in the hope that someone like me would read it and feel less alone. It is comforting knowing someone understands what you are going through and even helpful. I sit here, contemplating my next moves as they have to be strategic and well planned. My life has changed in a some what significant way, but maybe not to many. Over thinking has kicked in, causing panic attacks and a self loathing mood. I don't know what I want anymore. I am beginning to not understand who I am anymore. I am meant to be going for a drink or two with Jess then going home as I have an early in the morning. I will go but it is taking all of my strength to actually go. I just want to be alone, forever