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chaostimbered · 2 months
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If I can't have you in this life, I hope you leave my heart alone. I hope my heart beats for someone else. Someone that will feel the same way about me.
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chaostimbered · 4 months
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chaostimbered · 4 months
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So i, so the sky
Quiet am i, under the weight of this two-dimensional universe. i cannot find the corners, the folds, nor something to draw myself out. There must be corners! If i were to speak, wood and graphite crumbles may spill from my mouth. ( We know the taste, cold and not cold, it was on our teeth. ) What patterns i fear that would form upon my flat world.
From my stumbled words.
My flat world, where some wrong angel has flown over, vomiting forth dark pink foam. Mixing with my own frailing lines, inseparable. The universe soaks us all in. We seep. Through some glitch, i sink to find another world, where the pattern is changed. i slide, a fine chain, oiled and silvery, to a fresh sheet. Crisp. The light tries to follow, crawling off fractal trees which extend themselves through everything and nothing. Failing, holes close. As tin they reflect solemnly backwards.
So i have lost the old sky.
So the sky.
So the sky has turned away from me.
Maybe i will find a corner. Maybe an angel will fold. i will remain quiet, for fear and dread and fear and dread of it all. We will do this all again anyway, ad infinitum.
i shout nothing, nothing as the sky turns around i shout nothing, nothing as the world is drowned
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chaostimbered · 6 months
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In english we say :
I'll wait no matter what
But in urdu we say :
सर ए तूर हों, सर ए हश्र हों, हमें इंतज़ार क़ुबूल हैं,
वो कभी मिलें, वो कहीं न मिलें, वो कहीं सही तो वो कहीं न सही।
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chaostimbered · 1 year
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Judgment still Those haunted eyes of tired regret, haunt me still, they steal my breath. Glittering once in happiness and hope, now dimmed beyond normal reproach. The thoughts that speak from those orbs, moments and tears they have shed, the look in them seeming almost dead. I turn away from that timeless stare, for I can bare it no more. Only the mirror was not what I ran from, but the spent look in those lifeless eyes, oh how they pierce my core. Should their tears be wiped, could I end this crushing plight. The hopelessness drawn on this dreary face cannot be so simply replaced. Perhaps the sadness is what is needed the most, the salty water nourishing a dried up host. I weighed thy soul against a feather and found thee unworthy, I surrend myself to my mercy.
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chaostimbered · 1 year
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Milna tha bas ek baar tumse,
Dekhna tha bas ek baar tumhein,
Haath thaamna tha bas ek baar tumhara.
Par tum uske liye bhi nhi aaye,
Itna bhi haq nhi tha kya humara?
aakanksha
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chaostimbered · 1 year
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मेरे शब्द कुछ बिखर से गए हैं, इन्हे कैसे संभालें
मनन पर लगा है ग्रहण इसको कैसे खंगालें
सुबह की किरणें छू नहीं रहीं और चांदनी कुछ रूठ सी गई है
बिखरे हुए इस घर की खुशी को फिर कैसे सजा लें
--
एक दो नहीं आठ पहर जागे हैं,
जिंदगी से नहीं अपनाे से भागे हैं ,
उधेड़बुन में जूझती एक उलझी सी इकाई हैं मेरे ख्याल
नींद से सपनों की बातें हो रही हैं, ख़ुद को कैसे जगा लें
--
उस अंधेरे की धूप में भी कहीं एक उजाला था
सलोना नहीं उसकी परछाई का रंग काला था
सुकून से दूर तक कोई नाता ना था उसका पर
पर उस धुंधले शीशे की परत को कैसे निकालें
--
उन खयालों का बोझ अब रास नहीं आता
दिल में ना हो पर वो चेहरा ज़हन से नहीं जाता
शब्दों पर मेरे कुछ सवाल हुए थे वहां
मोती ही हैं यह मेरे लिए , बस इनपर से अपनी नज़र हटा लें
--
चढ़ेंगे परवान पर कभी पस्त से हौसले हमारे
जीतें यह बाजी हम या फिर किसी से हारें
फ़र्क नहीं पड़ता नही कहेंगे , फिर से हम जाएंगे या रहेंगे
जो जनाज़े का ही मनाना हो तो वो उसका जश्न मना लें
--
साथी रहे हैं यह शब्द मेरे , आए और गए कुछ चेहरे
चेहरों में मैंने शब्दों को ढूंढा , ढूंढा और पाया
गर हिम्मत ना हो चलने की फिर भी खुद को नचाया
जब धुन ही है ज़िंदगी की तो अब फिर क्यों न ख़ुद को नचा लें
एकबार ही सही पर इस अधमरी सी खामोशी में अब कुछ तो हलचल मचा लें
जीना ना आया भले हमको पर मरना तो ख़ुद को सीखा लें ,
कहिए क्या कहते हैं ? जाएं या एक बार फिर ख़ुद को आज़मा लें
- धानी
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Tagging @ragalata @sharmajikabeta @sanskari-kanya @savlon-bhoi
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chaostimbered · 1 year
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छल कपट मत द्रोह कर ,
विध्वंस का मत शोर कर ,
रख घृणा मन में छुपा
निज दर्प पर तू चोट कर ।
छल है भरा संसार में
किसकी व्यथा है हार में ।
यहां कुटिल बस एक सिद्ध है ,
विष है भरा हर वार में।
चित्कार है सम्मान की
अपमान का वो घाव था
है रक्त शोधित सब हृदय
जिस पट पे तेरा पांव था ।
शासन किया या छल किया ,
पल में समस्त बदल दिया ,
कोने थे चार एक खेल के
पासों ने सब दलदल किया ।
हंसता रूदन अब सब जगह
क्रंदन की फहराती ध्वजा
बिखरे हैं अश्रु राह में,
अब ढूंढ इनमें तू मज़ा।
क्या पा लिया इस बार में,
इस जीत में इस हार में,
उस शांति का मुख तो दिखा
जो बिक गई संसार में ।
चल आज फिर एक दांव कर ,
चल आज फिर वो पांव धर,
फिर से वही पासे तू ला
हिस्से में पांच तू गांव कर ।
देता वही जो ना रिक्त हो ,
सहता वही जो ना शक्त हो
तू ना रिक्त ना ही अशक्त है ,
फिर क्यों कपट का तू भक्त है ।
कर दंभ बस एक क्षण परे ,
निर्लज्जता से हट परे ,
व्यापक बना यह जड़ मति,
इस तथ्य से तू क्यूं डरे।
है दम्य तो ही पग बढ़ा
इस तथ्य से जो तू मुड़ा,
जी पाएगा तू भी नही ,
जब शव पे होगा तू खड़ा।
परिचय तो दे उस मान का
उस शक्ति का सम्मान का ,
यह मार्ग तेरा क्यूं जटिल
अस्तित्व तेरा क्यूं कुटिल ,
बस बंद सब तू प्रलाप कर
ना युद्ध की तू गुहार कर ,
यह काल तुझ पर हंस रहा
तेरा दंभ तुझको डस रहा
जो छोड़ सकता आज तू
बस दे दे पांच ही गांव तू ,
जो वो भी तू ना दे सके
तो प्राण अपने रख परे
अब घोषणा है बस यही
की युद्ध में तू ना डरे ।
तेरे सामने मैं हूं खड़ा ,
अपनी प्रतिज्ञा दृढ़ अड़ा,
काल करता हैं प्रतीक्षा अब तेरी कुरुक्षेत्र में ,
रख गदा तू हाथ में और ज्वाला अपने नेत्र में ।
प्रतिशोध की अग्नि है जलती याज्ञसेनी के हृदय
और भीम का भुजदंड भी चाहे रण में एक प्रलय।
मैं करता हूं प्रस्थान अब रुकने का कोई प्रश्न नहीं
हो फलित अब हस्तिनापुर ऐसा मेरा कोई स्वप्न नहीं
यह शब्द थे बस इस सभा में ,याद करना फिर कभी
यह तथ्य था या छल बढ़ा , ये जानेगा तू भी तभी ।
कृष्ण की चेतावनी , मेरे शब्दों में
- धानी
Tagging @prashn @kabhi-kabhi-aditya @sharmajikabeta @chaanv
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chaostimbered · 1 year
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barely breathing, submitting to beatings,
given up on hopes and dreams,
that was the man I used to be.
I found love and joy out in the sea
and I latched onto the lifeboat
but I couldn’t pull myself up by its strings.
I held on through choppy water
like a bag of bones tied off at the bow.
rope wrapped up around my neck
dragging us both down,
to the ocean floor.
I gave her no choice but to cut the cord.
.
living life as a shell of a soul tied into flesh,
occupying empty rooms in my mind,
half dressed emotion was all I could give.
as though that would be enough
to support the life, we were supposed to live.
as though laughs and jokes could fill the empty spaces
in which I hid all my pains and fears.
until you had nothing left to give
because we’d lived this way for years.
.
you’d given me miles of rope
but I’d perfected the hangman’s noose.
I’d tie them up and hide them
in my closet of worn-down shoes
that I’d keep wearing, despite the need to replace.
I was never good at change because it was me, I couldn’t face.
.
when the straw that broke the camels back finally came,
you didn’t run away but you held me in the rain,
that poured from my eyes.
you drove my crippled form to the hospital the next day,
you sat as I confessed, my need for suicide.
you sat with me when I failed to follow through with therapy,
when I didn’t make the calls I should have,
and I should have known that would be the end of we.
but I was never good at change, I was never good at me.
.
maybe its too little to late for us, I don’t know,
but I’m a tree on a cliff now, roots taking hold and starting to grow.
I can feel life inside me, and it feels like hope.
I’m not dead yet but I am dead set on getting myself together
so my branches can be strong enough to face any weather.
I can’t believe I put it off for so long,
but I’m keeping those appointments now.
I’m doing things for me,
and I’m finding out what it means
to be the me I want to be.
-More Than Breathing-
BL 2022
.
I am not alone. You are not alone.
988 is the National Suicide and Crisis Hotline (USA)
My inbox is always open.
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chaostimbered · 1 year
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what then of this drifting?
careening through an absence of everything but so many faint and enormous yet enormously distant points of light
speed and heading become theoretical discussions and live dissections and great currents generated, applied directly into the muscle
and behold, the dead now come alive.
and what then of this cold?
when all around me,
unimaginable heat hangs at space too great to even allow myself to contemplate with anyting even remotely resembling reason
or purpose,
every bone aching as the winter of my mind arrives only to find its freezing finally holds no sort of sway
when my own sun sits so very far away,
maybe expanding as a red giant and finally turning everything I've already left behind me to carbon and diamond,
so much superheated atmosphere and smoke -
they say my star won't make a black hole when it ultimately goes
but I still hope
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chaostimbered · 1 year
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“Do you think you can forgive?” my therapist asks me. I shrug. “I don’t see the point,” I say. 
-my poem
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chaostimbered · 1 year
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I love how the world perceives tumblr as useless platform. No world news here. No algorithm. No verified accounts. Ads are about Pikachu cosplayer and shoelaces. Folks that's exactly how social media should be
way overdue edit: OP too has learned everything regarding international politics through crabs and that meme but doesn't dare to consider these paranormal/parasocial occurrences as mere news. It's a moment, it's a bliss, it's the nightmare of future generations' history textbooks, you had to be there
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chaostimbered · 1 year
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More power to the world? Nah, more power to you. People like you make the world we know, somewhat powerful.
While I write this post I have tears rolling down my cheeks but I’ve never felt stronger never been braver in 19 years.
I’ve been suffering from hairfall since 2 years and it just became severe over the course of time and today i got to know what I feared the most that it’s a medical condition, let me tell you I loved my crown so much , I used to have this dry bunch of long wavy hair but over the period i had to cut them because of my situation yet I loved them, a typical girl who flaunted them so so much and truly embraced them, once my class 10th teacher said “ half of the woman’s beauty is her hair” and i lived by it. But life happens and i lost my hair day by day now I have this thin few strands left not the length I would want but it is what it is and you know what broke me? Knowing because of my health I’ll loose them and noone knows if I’ll ever have them back. I have no idea why I’m writing this on tumblr but it breaks my heart to lose this love of my life.
More power to the world.
@melodiesandwords
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chaostimbered · 1 year
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Dear diary,
Where do I begin, and what do I even write, for the words within me are slowly drying up.
There are stories still to be told, memories yet to be lived and things look bleak even when they shouldn't.
There's chaos often, and certain things are somehow distant but not much can be done.
A lot has been heard, said even, not heeded though and we are where we started from, back to square one.
Surprisingly so, reasons to be grateful are a plenty, yet past wounds, remedies for which were implemented, are still salty.
How to then manouver the various phases, seemingly apparent catastrophes of life; if not by writing every single thing, each thought and feeling as an escape, a refuge of sorts, from life itself; and yet, it is becoming clearer the voice within me is quieting down, the words are slowly drying up.
I must fight and resist and that I will but what else is there that can be done, what else must I do, to prevent myself from transitioning to a state of utter oblivion.
Best,
DG
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chaostimbered · 1 year
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i love you best in winter. we battle the wind, collars turned up and yet you hold my hand.
i swore i would never be this fucked up about someone again but here i am, lying down in all my clothes, listening to love poems and thinking of you.
and i know we're both damaged and we carry unseen hurt in our chests the way women carry duty but i've seen something in your eyes that before only prometheus had carried.
i'm going to say this right now. i am not capable of being cool about this. about you. any part of you. not the bits you hate, nor the bits you love nor the bits once hidden, i will leave the cold to the winter. i leave the fire to us.
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chaostimbered · 1 year
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i love you for all that you were, all that you are right now and all you'll ever be in the future.
no one can make me leave your side. not even you.
that's how much i love you.
as long as i see that this is worth fighting for. as long as i know after all of these, i'll get to see you smile. as long as we stay together.
the stakes are high, problems may arise. but i will never not ever leave your side. count on me during those times. come rushing home to me when you're down and weary. a big hug will always be waiting for you. kisses to make you feel better.
let's drown those sorrows in coffee, pizza and beers. let's chill and wait for the sun to rise, then we will try again. we will never not give up. we will fight our demons together. we'll be slaying each day as it comes.
i'm always here, my love.
an original by pinkskieswithoutyou 🦩
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chaostimbered · 1 year
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You’re Magic
There is so much magic inside of you, even when you don’t notice. But I do, so let me tell you about it:
There is magic in the gentle way that you lay your hand on someone’s shoulder and know the right words to speak to lift their spirits.
Magic in the way you joke and make everyone around you laugh without the need that some have to punch down for a joke.
Magic in how your eyes sparkle when you speak of your passions and make everyone around cling unto every word, eager for more.
Magic in the honest and loving character that you have, they way it shines so bright that calls others to you in love, in friendship.
So, lift your chin off the floor darling and look at all the beauty you have brought onto the world and know: You are needed, wanted and loved.
- Ely C. Winters.
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