chaindrenchedantlers
mar might die
super secret vent blog
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You know shits getting bad when you're wanting to not even have the yelling match with your parents before cutting contact
You know shits getting bad when you've been crying for the past 9 hours and you look like you have two black eyes because of it
You know shits getting bad when you have heart palpitations and nausea from stress that can be triggered by the smallest things
You know shits getting bad when you're having nervous breakdowns in school and you just have to keep going regardless
You know shits getting bad when you start thinking about ideation again, not wanting to die, but to be forgotten and left alone
You know shits getting bad when you start writing on the vent blog again
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No nuance poll!! Yes or no!! You can define all terms in the poll however you want to get to one of the binary answers!!!
#Im working to make things better than they are#but ive fucked up a lot and I dont think its going to get better the way i hope it will#im tired and ive developed just random anxious episodes and heart palpitations#healing hurts sometimes and the scars will be itchy but its still healing#no
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I blame my food guilt on my agab so so much. The need to be thin to be desirable, and having more fat retention naturally, and that my larger chest makes me feel so much bigger than I actually am
I've had my moments of clarity in realising my body isn't what my guilt leads me to believe, and I actually have a small frame that is just obscured by a larger chest
And clothes sizing for afab people is such a scrutinising experience, like, having models and the default clothes be like size 8-12, with 12 being seen as being a medium? like, I'm size 16s and having to get the sizes that companies praise themselves on getting "plus sized" models for, like, no?? this isn't plus sized this is what the majority of people will be like, these sizes are not inclusive or reflective of actual bodies
Having jeans that could fit the length of my legs but not my thighs or hips? my proportions aren't sticks, they're drumsticks motherfucker
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with a binder it's either under boob or side boob, pick your poison
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getting to a point where you want to go out and do things and meet people and then slipping to that numbness, the one where you feel like the future is all a maybe, like a parents shallow promise, you hope it will happen but its out of your control if it actually comes to fruition
Like, who do I ask to formal/prom? I don't know these people well enough, every crush I've ever had has either been left to die or shot down by my own brain. Dysphoria makes me feel undesirable, whatever undiagnosed thing I have going on autism/cptsd/adhd I don't give a fuck anymore, whatever it is makes it hard to socialise since I'm afraid I'll ruin every situation since I don't know how to move on and everyone knows me as being extroverted, I'm the one who speaks to people. I need to, it's how I feel alive.
I think this post is just about love. I want it, like a good majority do, but I don't know how to find it, I see people and talk to them and it doesn't go anywhere, or I see them and know that it would be impossible, from distance or them not liking my gender etc
I want someone to be close to, to feel at ease with, to be able to enjoy the small moments with them. Because experiencing them alone makes the world feel just a little lonelier, leaving me wondering why I'm watching the sunset if I don't have anyone to watch it with
I feel so fucken edgy for writing this shit, I'm seeking help and tryna get out there but damn being bipolar or whatever it is in my head is making this shit real hard
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no one prepares you for the heartbreak of losing a pet
my dog had multiple seizures last night and had to be put down and my god
I'm glad she's not in pain anymore, but holding her stiff body and seeing the layer form on her eyes
listening to old videos where I just hear her breath?
the worst part was watching her be in pain, writhing and yelping
then the morning after watching her still be in pain, but quiet and unnerving, the stillness and the empty breath
and watching my mum carry her weak body out the door
I'll never hear her hmpf when she lies down, or her clowns when she walks on the wooden hallway floors
she's being cremated soon, knowing there isn't a body to hold makes the world so much more empty
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I'd like to be able to get to a point in life where I don't fear the sound of doors opening and closing, where I don't fear the sound of steps on the stairs and I don't have to memorise the weight and pattern of said steps to see how safe I'll be
I want to get to a point in life where I can get an actual bpd diagnosis, to get tested for AuDHD, to be tested for PTSD, I want to know that what I'm feeling is justified, I want to know that I do have a reason for the way I act and feel
I don't want to be so self conscious that anytime I get a wrong look I question myself, or that when someone makes a comment, positive or negative, I don't feel guilty or bad about myself
I want to feel happy knowing that I can be myself without hesitation or regret
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