“Kepada diriku di masa depan, aku, dirimu di masa lalu ingin meminta maaf. Tolong maafkan dirimu yang dulu, karena pernah begitu mencintai seseorang sampai dia lupa untuk mencintai dirinya sendiri. Tolong maafkan dirimu yang dulu, karena pernah lupa untuk mementingkan dirinya sendiri hingga dia merasa tidak akan ada seorang pun yang akan mementingkan dirinya. Kini aku sadar bahwa mencintai diri sendiri lebih penting dari apapun. Siapa lagi yang akan mencintaimu di saat dunia sedang membencimu kalau bukan dirimu sendiri?”

—

Sebuah permintaan maaf dari diriku di masa lalu untuk diriku di masa depan. // A. W.

11 Agustus 2017.

I guess I only distance myself from others, because life has thought me that the only way people can really hurt you is when they’re the closest to you.

Though my heart is in pieces, strangely it is also at peace and that is what scares me the most; what if I go back to sadness every time I forget what it's like to be happy because in an eerie way, it takes an intense amount of turmoil to make you realise what calm is really like. Ya Allah, please help to make sense of this. You’re the only One that can.

My heart constantly crave silence. And I fear one day, it will forget how to speak.

I’ve been in a situations where I thought I would never make it out, but I did Alhamdulillah. I’ve lived through it. I’ve learned from it. I’ve survived. So whatever it is that I am currently going through right now, Allah will get me through that too. Allah swt has purpose for my pain, a reason for my struggles and a reward for my faithfulness.

Ya Allah, only you understand how much I've been hurt. I don't want to carry the pain for another second. I don't want to be a bitter person. But I need your grace and the power of Quran to release my hurting to forgive those who've hurt me. First, I need to experience your forgiveness. You know all the ways I've hurt others, and I'm sorry for my sins. I'm choosing to forgive the way you have forgiven me. Every time the memory comes back, I'll forgive that person again until the pain is gone. Heal my heart with your grace. Ameen.

There are pain that too hurting to speak about and scars too evident to hide from. Some things, you just keep to yourself and some aspect of your personality, you allow people to butcher its from. This is life. Accepting what cannot be changed and not fearing what comes by Allah’s grace.

I know a lot of people say that soon you’ll get a taste of your own, and you’ll be tested the way you tested me. But I don’t want that. I don’t want you to go through this, because I know how much this will break you. Instead, I’ll pray. I’ll pray you never have to experience the kind of pain you put me through; something I hope never, ever happens to anyone. No one deserves that depth of hell. I pray that happiness comes to you in bundles and it stays. I pray that you will never be alone and will be constantly under the watch of the Most Merciful. I pray you find someone you won't have heart to destroy. I pray that somehow you’ll learn, the power you hold on to your actions to be able to break someone. But no matter how much you’ve hurt me, I’ll never wish bad things upon you, ever.

Leaving toxic people isn’t selfish. Taking time for yourself isn’t selfish. Doing what’s best for you isn’t selfish. Self love isn’t selfish.

To those who smile in the day and cry at night, may Allah swt grant you peace.

With all the joy I have, I hide my tears.

It’s funny how you think you’re doing fine but then one little thing reminds you of the past and it all comes back and slap you in the face.

I pray that I’m never a source of pain for anyone. I pray I don’t bring darkness in anyone’s life. I pray that I’m a source of light and goodness wherever I go.

I hope your heart is never broken, the way you shattered mine. I hope nodoby hurts you, the way you hurt me. I hope you never have to spend the nights crying, trying to forget all the pain. I hope you never have to put on a brave face, falsely showing strength. I hope you never have to pick yourself up, after a night of regret.

I’m very cautious about who has access to me lately. And it’s not out of arrogance, it’s out of the need to continue to protect my space and energy as I continue to do the work to elevate myself. This chapter requires me to be a little less accessible.

There’s a War Going On in My Mind

It was 4:00AM on Sunday morning. I was lying awake after what’s become yet another sleepless night. Although I wish I could go back to sleep for a few more hours, my brain is telling me otherwise.

My mind was filled with countless thoughts that trigger memories and emotions I’m much rather forget. I’m fighting a war inside my head, and I’m being pulled in what feels like a million different directions.

Although I desperately try to switch off my mind, the reality of life sets in. These thoughts aren’t going anywhere. Instead, they’re waiting to strike at a random moment.

Betrayal Trauma (and the rocky path)

The recent incident has been the most painful experience of my life. I went on a journey. To hell. This isn't overstatement, it's a truthful summary of my experience. It feels like I got shot in the gut, I'm confused, and I don't know what to do. It feels like the force had taken my soul and put it in hell, then taunts my mind and body as I'm hopelessly struggling to get through the endless hours, days and months.

When it happened (April 21st 2018 to be exact), it felt like the air around me was limited and it was becoming more and more difficult to breathe. I could actually feel my heart breaking and it hurt so bad. I felt that burning sensation on the back of my neck. I wasn't sure what to do next.

I broke down, sobbing uncontrollably that evening and slept over at my friend's place that night. At that point, I saw no hope, just days and days of pain ahead of me. I can't seem to completely wipe that out of my mind. It was also a terrible state to wake up in. I was so on edge that my morning alarm was enough to give me a near-on heart attack; I'd wake with a violent jolt and my heart feeling as though it were about to leap out of my chest.

I was floored by emotion and I had no idea what to do or how to make myself feel better. I ran and pushed myself in the hope that physical pain would exceed that how I felt emotionally. I feel lost. Sometimes I don't know who I am. I don't know what I like, what I enjoy. I have distanced myself from most of my friends. Truthfully, I would not wish this feeling on anyone.

All physical, mental and emotional endeavours required monstrous effort. Just replying to a text was hard work, let alone trying to organise anything. I felt constantly overwhelmed by the simple act of living.

At work I never tell anyone, I felt utterly incompetent. Any ambition I once had deserted me. I decided that I was only good enough for stress-free, low-paid job where barely anything was expected of me. Luckily, my boss was understanding and supportive, but I still had to do my job. And naturally, anxiety didn't just affect me at work; functioning in social situations was a constant and exhausting challenge. Of all depression's demi-devils, anxiety was by far the most debilitating. And like my assumptions about 'personal change', I thought this state of anxiety would be permanent too.

Well, it's hard to say what it's like to feel dead inside. To me, it's sort of like someone removed the contents of my chest and left a gaping void where there is nothing left but a painful, sucking black hole. It feels like all the places that are supposed to do something i.e. my heart and my soul, have been removed. And this removal has left open, bleeding gashes. Wounds that tear and itch and bleed. And just knowing that my heart and soul have been removed is breathtakingly painful. Feeling their absence is like feeling the absence of oxygen from the lungs. It puts one into a panicked and near-death state.

I tried various healing practices these couple of months. Slowly, I started emerging out of it, feeling more positive now and in control of my life. Despite occasionally lows, I can now objectively look at what have happened and notice all the lessons. I know that this path isn't easy. It's painful. To the point where I feel like breaking and I lose any hope of getting better. But deep inside I know it will get better.

chaelexanigma.blogspot.com

April (2018) Fooled!

#flashback to the month I realised I have been fooled (and being used).

It felt like a tsunami. I was on high alert. My environment looked different. I couldn't get my bearings. My heart beats faster, I'm wide awake and aware but I'm not thinking. It's like the moment before a dam bursts. Then the energy rushes out, along with an outpouring of thoughts. Everything in my life seemed torn apart. I tried to understand what have happened, but everything seemed different and I couldn't distinguish what was the truth and what was my imagination. My normal, predictable life (which I absolutely loved, by the way) had been virtually shattered overnight. Not only did it culminate in a very bitter war, it also marked the onset of a toxic poison that had begun to work its way into my veins: resentment.

I may call what I'm feeling as "anger" (because I have to call it something). But in my heart, I know that I am also feeling many other things too; sadness, fear, resentment, frustrated, disappointed and so on. There's a rich pool of feelings. I find it impossible to control those disturbing thoughts and feelings; the only thing I can do is lie down and take deep breaths which helps control my breathing but does nothing to combat the sickening feeling that remains as well as the speed of my heartbeat.

The hurt goes deep. What makes the pain worse is that I was wrong. I did not have it coming. You broke my spirit. You wrecked havoc on myself worth. You emotionally and mentally abused me in ways you'll never understand. YOU, destroyed me.

I made a decision to stay away and refuse to answer it for anyone. Having just had a proverbial knife twisted into my spine by the person I trusted the most, what good could come from anyone knocking on the door with a smile on their face? People hide vicious claws behind their backs, and I refused to be stuck with them again. Nobody deserves to be treated the way I was treated. It was not fair. One thing is for sure, I can't change what happened. There is no delete button for the past. I am stuck with it. I can't ever forget what happened. I can't erase it from my mind. It is like a video tape sewed inside my head. And every time it plays its rerun, I feel the pain all over again.

I became preoccupied with it (of what had happened), unable to think of anything else and it can be hard to concentrate and control the racing thoughts and images my mind conjures up. Everything I thought I knew and believed in now comes into question and I feel lost, confused, aggrieved and betrayed. I wonder what's been real and what's been a farce from the inception of the relationship. At that point of time, my mind went desperately looking for answers. I lost more control over myself and my environment. My thoughts went circles without finding any solution out of it.

I felt ashamed. I didn't want to be around anyone; not because I stopped liking people, but because I didn't want them to catch my weird energy. I have to work very hard not to fixate on irrational fears like the fact that I'm not "good enough" to be anyone's friend. How desperate I might be for companionship, I find myself repeatedly cancelling plans because the idea of having to leave the house (my friend's house) and interact is sometimes more than I can handle. It's easy to write off a person with these symptoms as a "flake" or someone who isn't interested in the friendship, but the sufferers of anxiety and depression know this couldn't be further from the case. Sometimes we just can't do it.

Sometimes I feel like a failure for not being able to deal with this myself and feel like I can't go on any longer, I just want to lead a normal life. My anxiety and panic attacks are there all day. I'm getting worried it will push me over the edge if it doesn't stop soon. I have to make the hard decision, do I want to spend the rest of my life with a pain that I did not deserve to get in the first place? Or do I want to get rid of it, freed from it, so that I can go on with my life without that painful memory shadowing me? The best way for me is to make a clear decision and then act directly from there. Or to let it go completely and turn my attention to something else, if that is option.

This rollercoaster will take me up quite high where the view is very beautiful then when I suddenly fall downward I'll start to scream. It will keep turn me upside down and rolls around.

chaelexanigma.blogspot.com