I literally just need to rant right now and twitter has a character limit so I cant do it there because this has made me feel like literal shit.

I genuinely dont understand why Im still getting told that Im stupid. Since I was 13 Ive been told that Im not smart. When I did credit for my standard grades one of my scout leaders literally said 'theres no way youre doing credit because I did general and Im a hell of a lot smarter than you'. I have been trying to prove myself my whole fucking life. Is it the way I talk? The way I act? What makes people instantly judge my intelligence based off of small talk? I thought that after I got my degree people would stop doubting me. I just got accepted to a postgrad that has one of the highest numbers of applications in the country. And here I am, at 1am, getting told yet again that Im stupid by a guy that once said depression is just feeling sad. And here I am, at 1am, for the millionth time trying to prove that Im not.

Im just so sick of people telling me how stupid I am.

*signs a legal document with a glitter gel pen*

a word of advice: open your windows. wash your sheets. exfoliate your legs. read a paperback. make your bed. moisturize every inch of your body. go to sleep with soft skin and sheets that smell like the wind and a mind full of words worth dreaming about

me, drinking wine, listening to Lana del Rey, and spending $50 on Amazon lingerie: Aphrodite, this is for you girl.

“Living is the challenge. Not dying. Dying is so easy. Sometimes it only takes ten seconds to die. But living? That can take you eighty years and you do something in that time.”

— Melina Marchetta

“The moment of betrayal is the worst, the moment when you know beyond any doubt that you’ve been betrayed: that some other human being has wished you that much evil.”

— Margaret Atwood

“You‘ll regret it, you know. Not trying harder to make it work. You probably think she didn’t notice, but oh, she did from the very beginning. She picked up on your nervous habits the first time you met. Saw the way you caught your bottom lip between your teeth, how you constantly reached up to touch your nose. How your eyes flickered down to her lips when she spoke. When she pressed her head to your chest, she felt your heart thunder. There‘s no point in telling her that maybe what you felt wasn’t enough. That it wasn’t the same for you. That you weren’t sure about the two of you. You want to let her go, because she makes you feel things you’ve never felt before, and so you move on to pointless excuses. You find ridiculous reasons to drive her away from you. But she’s never been easy to fool. In an instant, she‘ll know you lied and she‘ll take it as her cue to leave without a fight. She won’t ask you to explain. She won’t call again. And you‘ll be the one to stay awake at night, wondering who she‘s spending her time with. Pondering about who took your place. And still, you’re not sure if the pain you’re feeling over losing her will fade in time. Your mistake is you think you know what it‘s like to get attached and you are convinced that the more you win in a short space of time, the more you‘ll have to lose. But it’s not the same with her. Your feelings for her were so intense, they scared you. You were absolutely terrified of what you would do for her. Was it worth it, I’m asking you now, sending her away because you knew you’d lose her anyway? I’m not saying holding on to her was easy: she was too reckless, too unpredictable, too emotional. She was a mess, but she was the mess that you wanted. So call her before it’s too late. Pluck up your courage and say what you’ve been wanting to say all along before she’s gone for good and no one’s around to watch the words die in your throat.”

— fight or flight / n.j.

Hold Them Responsible

Your abuser could have gone through life without abusing you. This was an option all along. They didn’t have to hurt you, they didn’t have to be cruel, they didn’t have to declare themselves an authority on what is and isn’t good for you and decide that abuse is what you deserve. They didn’t have to manipulate you, they didn’t have to lie to you, they didn’t have to insult, criticize or humiliate you. They didn’t have to control you, they didn’t have to crush your self-confidence, they didn’t have to scare or hit or push or torture or gaslight you. They didn’t have to do any of it. They could have gone through their life without doing it. Nobody forced them to do it. It was their own decision to do those things. They are the sole person responsible for doing all of it. They would have lost nothing if they didn’t do those things. It wouldn’t take anything away from their life not to destroy yours. Hold. Them. Responsible. 

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”

— Laurell K. Hamilton

I keep asking myself if I could ever forgive you. But I would need an apology for every bruise and for every cruel word, and we don’t have all the time in the world

- I can’t forgive you

Realizing Abuse

Realizing you’ve been abused is completely earth shattering. Your abuser grooms you to love them, to feel bad for them, to forgive them whenever. They are ALWAYS the good guy. Everyone else around you telling you otherwise is bad. You may feel bad for even viewing them in a bad light. You would never think that this person that’s supposed to treat you well would hurt you so badly.

Before you find out, you may see the clues but be in denial. Your situation isn’t like that. It’s different, they love you. Well they aren’t hitting you, so it can’t be abuse. This stage is hard. You know in your heart what could be happening, but you don’t wanna believe it. Life can’t be this way. You don’t want it to, it’s hard to accept.

I don’t know how you found out you were abused. You could find out through reading other people’s experiences. You could find out through people in your life pointing out red flags. You could just slowly come to realize other people’s lives aren’t like yours. They’re happier. They have good relationships, families, different experiences with love (platonic, romantic, family). However you found out, the reaction is pretty much the same. The world stops, your heart stops, you’re in disbelief. How could this happen? All these days, months, years? How did you not see it?

After you accept (somewhat) and realize you are being abused you realize all the little things. The trauma. The way they did things. You might blame yourself, or other people for not noticing or not doing anything. Or not believing it. You might find little triggers, or things that affect you badly you didn’t know existed. A whole new world has opened up. You are vulnerable. Trauma might be present. Your brain is going crazy.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. Now let me say this to you: you will be okay. Seriously. You will be fine. Life will go on as you heal, grow, recover. Your process of healing may be slow, or not take long at all. You may relapse or want to run back but this is all part of the recovery process and you are a fighter. You are a survivor. You don’t need your abuser anymore. You are greater than them. You are going to break the cycle. I promise you that life will be okay and the world goes on and you will find your place and your people.

You were always so good at playing the part of the hero. Everyone shook your hands, and no one noticed the blood on them.

Poetry At Most

It all has finally been put into words. I was taught to think and act like this since I was a kid and now that I'm an adult, I'm a huge push over and so messed up.

“And all the colors I am inside have not been invented yet.”

— Shel Silverstein