today daddy took me out to see IT and i really liked it! i was really turned on by pennywise and i was kinda scared to tell daddy about it, but when i did, he told me he thought pennywise was sexy too! then we went out to a costume store and daddy picked out a pennywise costume and told me he was gonna pretend to be him as he fucked me tonight and haha could you fucking imagine if this was a real post on tumblr

i love dominant men but at the same time if a man tells me what to do i’ll bodyslam him

spongebob critical

Watching my toddler figure out how to language is fascinating. Yesterday we were stumped when he kept insisting there was a “Lego winner” behind his bookshelf - it turned out to be a little Lego trophy cup. Not knowing the word for “trophy”, he’d extrapolated a word for “thing you can win”. And then, just now, he held up his empty milk container and said, “Mummy? It’s not rubbish. It’s allowed to be a bottle.” - meaning, effectively, “I want this. Don’t throw it away.” But to an adult ear, there’s something quite lovely about “it’s allowed to be a bottle,” as if we’re acknowledging that the object is entitled to keep its title even in the absence of the original function.

She saw a man…

if i ever have kids instead of being like “it’s a boy” im going to send out highly bewildering cards that say things like “it’s the chosen one” and “it’s probably not a lizard” and “we’re not sure what it is, but it just set the couch on fire, please send help” with a different thing to every person i send one to just to see what people show up at the baby shower with

Лодка настоящей любви не разбивается о быт.Она изящно скользит по его волнам….

My girlfriend is mad at me…. Any gift ideas? Flowers? Jewelry? Something not too expensive

Thank me later

I'd very much like to punch a feminist.

I’d never, ever hurt a lady but I’d be happy to punch a feminist. It’d bring me great joy.

a guide to the white girl's "sexy" dance

sway hips in a figure 8 motion

do this while bending the knees into a squat position

come back up

raise arms above head

look at armpit seductively

put hands in hair

don’t pay attention to the beat

at all

this is your dancefloor

you rule the school, Megan

swing those hips, you sexy bitch

i ate chef boyardee and began to cry bro that shit was so bad… i had noodles i could have eaten those

the signs from most to least funny

I absolutely lose my shit laughing every time I see this

Why are Zoey and Zoe pronounced the same way but Joey and Joe aren’t?