My mom told me today I'm unlovable.

She cursed me, told me I'm never gonna have kids and I do they won't love me, that I'm gonna suffer for the rest of my life, that no one truly loves me, because I'm ungrateful for her having me alive and doing what she's supposed to do as a mother.

She said that she should've been a feminist, such as me, so she could've aborted me.

And I'm in no glass roof, I said somethings, such as "I'll love my kids" or "Why you stayed with my dad then if you had such a miserable life?" which she promptly answered with, love, that she loved him and I'd never know what it feels like.

She again told me to leave, this is my fifth time, she did when I was a teen, I don't exactly remember why, she did it a couple of time then, she told me again when I was 18 and again last month and again yesterday.

I don't know why, I never understood why things escalate this way, I don't remember why as a teen, but I remember that both 2018 and last month was over politics and I don't get why.

She told me I'm ungrateful and that she did everything for me such as, beating me as a kid, kicking me when I was 9, breaking my phone in front of the principle without listening to the full extent of the story, bc how could I ever be right, from that day forward not even the principle would call her if something went wrong cuz he know I wasn't safe.

When I was 9, she locked me in the bedroom after I left the shower and beat me, kicked me, bc I left a belt on the bed, I remember my grandmother hitting the door and screaming for her to stop.

When I was 14, I went to a concert for free, cuz she scammed a woman to get me tickets and in the day after I went to school and was sharing moments and feelings with my friends, I was too excited, committed a mistake while jumping and broke my phone(still worked though), when I got home she choked me to the point she cut my neck, to which I didn't feel, later that day, when I arrived in a prep course, my friends noticed the blood on my back and the cut on my neck.

She used to humiliate me, called me names, when I was 12 she called a whore, she called me a slut, bitch and all of the bad names you can think of, at any inconvenience, at any cost.

As a kid I didn't felt safe, I could never skip class.

When I turned 16, I got hit by a motorcycle, I knew I had class and I knew she was gonna be mad at me, so I just told everyone I was okay, told the driver it was my fault and that he should have a lovely day, went to school and another student that saw me, told the principle, who then called my parents, she got mad that I didn't let the driver take me to the hospital.

She told me ao many times that she wishes she didn't have a kid, that I didn't existed, that I'm a disgrace, that I disgust her, that my depression is just an excuse to be lazy, mind you in enrolei in to graduations at the same time, I managed to work throughout the whole year last year, been taking care of my sick cat and she just told me that my $600 was useless and I'm just a waste.

I'm writing this cuz I don't want to forget, many other things she did to me as a kid I forgot, my brain does that, I only don't forget if I keep dwelling into the past, which is painful, but I can't forget, when I do, I let my guard down near her, I trust her, I share my feelings with her and then she uses that to demoralize me, to humiliate me, to invalidate me.

The last time I shared was also the last time I told her I was in live with someone, someone I wanted to take things to the next level, all of my friends are gays and leabians, she's used to it, their parents were used to it, they knew about me and said someone and were happy to see me finding someone who cared about me, given that the last two relationships were bad, one was abusive with a delusional stalker and the other he just didn't care about me that much, so I felt free in a family new years party, my mom and those friends with their partners and their moms, well I felt free, I told her how I felt about said someone, she then supported me cuz my other bestfriend was there and she sees him as her own.

That was one of the most happy moments to me, cuz it was the first time in years that she just didn't told me I was confused or that it was just a phase, she told me she loved me for who I am and I was so happy, I went to the someone and we were cuddling in the pool, with all of my friends and their partners, also cuddling and their moms in the whereabouts, because they're a family, I felt home, I felt like "this is it, my mom loves me and respect me, I'm ready to be me".

Well of course she was lying, two days later when we went home, she told me o was disgusting, that I disrespected her, embarrassed her, disrespected the owner of the house(which is the mother of an openly lesbian and that also had her daughter in law living with them), that I disrespected my other aunt(the mother of my gay bestfriend whose been in a relationship with his boyfriend for 7 whole years) and his sister, that well, knew he was gay long long time ago and was hoping for me and said someone to get serious. She then proceeded to offend the girl, said so many horrible things that I can't describe, she humiliated me once more and I just gave up on everything.

I said that my only 2 previous relationships were bad, but I also forgot to mention how the first time she ever met them she told in their face how she didn't like them and how they were not enough, even the second one, whose only crime was being a coward, being afraid of breaking up so he wouldn't hurt my feelings, at least that my best guest.

But none of that is relevant to the story I guess.

Today she told me more things and once again she told me I'm not supposed to eat any of her food, told me that she'll break my door and all of my belongings when I'm not at home and honestly I don't know what to do.

I'm seriously numb, but I can feel the sorrow, I guess I'll never loose this feeling of wanting her approval, even though I know I don't need it, but I'm feeling shallow and hurt and empty and broken and disappointed and betrayed.

One of the things she told me is that I choose to be born as her daughter(religious beliefs) and maybe she is right, cuz despite of what she thinks, I still have my beliefs, but maybe she's right that I chose her, maybe I thought she would be a good mom, she would be loving and cherishing and caring and be my confort space, the one person I can go to, but she's not, she's quite the opposite, being runned over and not telling was the most ok thing that happened to me and I didn't tell her. cuz I know if I do tell her anything it'll vê my fault, there will be fingers pointing, words being shout at me and I can't take it anymore, I'm tired.

To be honest, the only thing keeping me alive is the responsibility I have over my cat and my love for her, she needs me, so I'll be here for her, but if I lose her, than I have nothing and with nothing I can finish things up and let her have the best life of all without me.

Idk how to put into words what am I feeling, I know I'm sad, I'm disappointed, idk what to do,  like why is this happening she's pushing me away and idk why,  she's my mom,  she's supposed to love me right, like why can't she? Bc of politics?  bc of how she doesn't see me as a capable human being? like what does she think of me? why does she hate me so much? am I always gonna be unloved by her? will she ever accept me as who I am? will she ever just love me? I'm tired, I'm so fucking tired of this, I'm so fucking tired of not being loved, so fucking tired of not being taken care of, of she can't love me, why does others say they do? how can someone love me more than my own mother?  she raised me, she birthed me, she watched me become a child, a little girl, a teen a woman and yet she can't love me, bc she rather politics over me. Am I this disposable?  am I this useful, this unlovable, I was so close to believe that we could have a normal relationship, that we could be, mother daughter material, that we could joke, that we could laugh, why does she hate me so much, I just wanted her to love me, I'm nothing, I'll never be anything,  I'll never be enough, I'm not enough, I just wanted her to love me, I try so hard to be good for her, I just seem to keep disappointing her, but I'm not a bad person, but maybe I am, naybe I don't deserve her love, well, I don't do I, I don't deserve her, I'll never deserve her, I just wished that I could, bc I know I will lose her and this won't be enough, the time we spent won't be enough, I won't be enough and I'm not enough for anyone really. I'm a bad friend, a bad person, a bad girlfriend, I'm wasting everyone's time, maybe I should just go, I wanna go, I want to put an end, I'm not strong enough and I feel so stupid, cuz people got it worst, there's so many people fighting for their lives and I'm here hoping for mine to end, cuz I'm not even strong enough to end it, but maybe I should, cuz what is my purpose is, my own mother can't love me, was I that bad of a child? was I that unbearable?  am I not seeing what she's seeing? no ine truly wants to be there if me do they? they just put up with me cuz I keep pushing myself into their lives and they don't know how to get rid of me, I'm a fucking cancer, I got to get away from people's life, I might end it soon, I just don't know how, how can I have the courage, but I have to, maybe of I finally do it, I'll end up in somewhere where only I get hurt and I stop hurting others and I stop making others lives being so unbearable, like my mothers, so she can finally be happy without me, she deserves to be happy, I destroyed her life didn't I? And I'm the reason everyone's life is so bad ain't I? they deserve better don't they? I'll make it right, I'm just building up my courage, but I'll make them happy.

I'm losing myself in time ain't I?

Like it's too late already isn't it?

No turning back, no figuring out last minute, I'm just over.

I'm tired of me

I'm just so hooked up on doing stuff, I forgot how to live, I don't know how too. Maybe I've never knew, but now?

Fuck I'm a fraud and if I could just, stop, I wanted silence in me, I wanted to be able to tell people who am I.

I don't fucking know.

I'm just tired.

Eu to perdida sabe? Não me encontro, não me acho, não me vejo, não me sinto, não tô.

E toda hora eu esqueço disso, pois vivo no automático, tenho muita coisa pra fazer, muita coisa pra conquistar, afinal quero ter uma vida estável certo?

Quero acordar sem me perguntar se "Será que um dia terei algo? Será que um dia eu serei eu?"

E ai eu ando, caminho, olho, faço., converso, durmo e durmo e depois eu durmo, porquê aí eu tô desconectada, não tô vivendo, é só o sonho, mas quando acordo busco todas as formas de me ocupar com algo "produtivo", duas faculdades(porquê de graça qualquer um faz né?), estágio, trabalhos secundários pra sugar o mínimo de dinheiro possível pra gastar em comida besta, na esperança de suprir uma vontade de estar viva, mas que ignoro sempre que não posso suborná-la com comida besta.

E ai chegou o fim.

Férias.

Mas poxa, eu mereço não? Depois de tudo isso, eu merecia descansar.

Porém não descanso, eu já não tenho mais como ignorar minha mente porque nada que é meu dever posso realizar agora, então o agora me alcança.

E ele tá aqui, novamente, me perguntado quem sou e o que eu quero.

Pois ele sabe que eu não tô lutando pelo sonho, eu to lutando pra mão ser inútil, pro mínimo(que já é muito), e eu penso "Mas quando eu estiver estável eu luto pelo sonho"

Mas quando estarei estável?

Quando acreditarei em mim?

Quando vou me ver?

Quando serei eu?

Quando?

E, são tantas palavras, são tantos sentimentos que eu não queria sentir, são tanto pensamentos que eu não queria pensar, que eu acabo me perdendo, acabo ali, aqui, acabo toda hora, porque as vezes eu me convenço a continuar.

Mas eu não quero mais. Eu tô cansada de me convencer.

Eu to perdida e só queria me achar e só queria viver o sonho, mas minha mente é pequena, vaga e falha de mais pra conseguir.

Eu amo o cheiro e o sabor que os recomeços tem. Eu amo a injeção de ânimo que as infinitas possibilidades nos oferecem. Eu amo esses dias em que a gente abre os olhos e enxerga a vida com esperança. Eu sei que nem todos os dias serão dias de esperança, mas a magia é seguir buscando, esperando e trabalhando pelo melhor, porque no fundo a gente sabe que é isso que vida espera de nós. Eu desejo que você sempre encontre uma forma de recomeçar, seja depois de uma linda noite com fogos de artificio e celebração, ou depois de uma noite triste, onde você passa em claro chorando, duvidando e temendo. Eu desejo que você renove sua energia, sua fé e sua esperança, no dia 1 de Janeiro ou em qualquer outro dia, de qualquer outro mês, de qualquer outro ano. Hoje, amanhà, e todos os dias, pelo resto de sua jornada, celebre a vida e faça valer a pena cada batida do seu coração. Que seu sangue pulse em suas veias com intensidade para que você jamais esqueça de que enquanto houver vida, haverá a esperança de dias melhores.

moments, I can't get through this without you. @casslicker

we supernatural'd earth so bad that even supernatural had to have a bad ending so earth could shine is the latest seasons

too many people prayed for the world to NOT end in 2012 and god panicked and started pulling out rough drafts. bonus years. side quests and horror stories. he dug up his flop era and started posting it for all to see. you fangirled too hard and now earth is running ten seasons past a perfectly written ending using unlikeable background characters and resurrecting terrible plot lines. congratulations you’ve supernatural’d the earth.

Just came back to riot

We are #girl

We are #weed

and you can't take this away from us.

tumblr banning the #girl and #weed... huge loss for the three weed smoking girlfriends industry

tumblr banning the #girl and #weed... huge loss for the three weed smoking girlfriends industry

[redacted] [omitted] [gutted]

Me for the next year

Don't touch me😭

from the very beginning

was anybody going to tell me that baby (the female-coded car) is a man in the supernatural latam dub

or was i supposed to find that out by myself

- Hola, querido.

(That “o” means it’s “hello, dear” to a man).

what is this supposed to mean?

Me doing Me watching shows research I'm emotionally

for ten min depended for hours

no, but the zero energy coming from the dog and yet the will to play gets me every time

Laziest game of fetch ever

(via)