i’m in the middle of a rebirth give me some time

imagine the woman you want to become. think of what her daily life looks like. her habits. her routines + her actions. start showing up to these commitments. start building upon them. step by step. day by day. you don't become her overnight. you start somewhere. anywhere. you become so invested and consistent in everything you do to build her.

shout out to the messy desk gang, hope u’ll find that one pen u’ve been looking for

Mary Oliver, from “Hum Hum”, A Thousand Mornings

they should invent a wanting that does not feel like youre being skinned alive with a dull knife

source.

+ fadedforest.

I KEEP LOVING SO HARD AND I KEEP LOSING SO HARD!!!!!!

what is actually going on…..

It’s so hard to feel hopeful when I just keep repeating this pattern.

Most recently was dating this guy for 2 months only to find out he “met someone” (1 month ago… lmao)

Feels like he was keeping me around as a backup. He is “so incredibly happy” with her, he “feels like he got hit by a truck” ???? and HAD TO DO KETAMINE BEFORE MEETING TO END THINGS WITH ME BECAUSE HE WAS FEELING SO ANXIOUS. What is this. Couldn’t make this shit up.

The girl he met is gorgeous, and in like an other-worldly, alien but beautiful kind of way. Super tiny, super hot, went to a fucking Ivy League school, is really into urban farming and cooking and baking, a writer, lives in a perfect little studio apartment on the upper east side, and I could go on…

What really hurts is that he seems so happy. He seemed so stressed and annoyed whenever he was with me, but now apparently his life is falling into place. He posted a video of her on his Instagram story and tagged her (something he never did with me…), he MADE A SPOTIFY PLAYLIST CALLED “(her name) in October”, and retweeted a random tweet from 2018 about how amazing life can be sometimes.

So yeah, he’s muted lmao. I need to move on. But it hurts SO bad to be dealing with the grief of the love story I was writing in my mind and also the feeling that if I were more like her I would have been enough. He was ready to commit, just not to me. Because no one is ever ready to commit to me. And now they’re probably making dinner together in her studio apartment, living a rom com fantasy that I’d kill for AND ITS FUCKING OCTOBER AND BEAUTIFUL IN NEW YORK. 🤮

One other detail that makes this especially diabolical on his part: according to his timeline, after he had met her he still asked me to hang out twice. I came over, we had sex, he reminisced about details of our first date, talked about going to other places “next time”, was super lovey and PDA-y on the subway on our way to work, and told me he’d bring me back my sweatshirt that I left at his place “next time”. And then fucking POOF. At that time, he would have already been seeing her for at least 2 weeks. Sooo he was just horny and wanted me to come over one last time before making it final? I have no idea. I am so confused and hurt and feel so used and manipulated. I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to recover from this one, but I am 100% hoping that the new girl sees through his love-bombing shit and dumps him soon. I considered telling her everything, but I don’t know if that’s fair. We’ll see.

cooking together with wine, music and only half dressed

Proud of me.