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I look around me... all is still.
I felt the kind of peace that told me we were still okay. I was reminded of the kind of relationship I have with Him. There was something about the heat of the sun that rested on my back.. the sweat sliding down my neck.. and the tiny rocks finding its way in my shoes reminded me of the intimacy I’ve always had with Him. I reached the top, laid my arms on my head, closed my eyes and swayed to the praise in my ears.
Every time I reflect on our relationship it always brings me back to the night I curled up in the couch at the tender age of 14 trying to nurse a broken heart. I clearly remember thinking to myself how I didn’t know how I’d be okay again.. how my heart could be ever filled again. And He came. I don’t recall exactly how or exactly when, but He came and I was never the same again. A fierceness inside of me was born and it led me to Manila with open hands years later.
After all these years, my heart has shown me how I can take pain. How, in the end, He always transforms that pain to a rebirth.
You give me these trials because You know what I can handle. You know what I am capable of more than I even know. You’ve given me this gift of empathy.. of remaining confident and unmoving with the passion and fire that constantly burns inside me. The inner makings of my mind of my soul You’ve made intricately beautiful and strong to weather the storms. I want to embrace me. I want to embrace what You have for me. Let me use these gifts to serve You, to serve others. You have a plan for me. Thank you.
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I am still learning.
It’s true, our time living in the slums has definitely messed us up in the most complex of ways. I’ve been finding more and more solace in the fact that I’m not alone in this. Yes, it’s been more than 2 years now being back in LA but it’s still quite the transition. It’s become more quiet.. more still.. the transition. In the beginning it was much.. louder and a bit more colorful with the things I threw myself into.. but now.. it’s become much more quiet. Too quiet. My mind is still a loud roller coaster.. but still.. there’s a silence that begs me to listen.
I met up with one of my fellow MATUL sisters earlier today over coffee and a sweet breeze. “Trust or explode,” she said after we shared our very same doubts and worries of being in this season of waiting and of, well, unemployment. The last time I was in such position (which was the beginning of this year), I took a week-long solo trip up north for some good ol’ me time. I thought I had found the answer to my searching after hours of reading inspirational books and journaling as I decided to apply for and accept a labor organizing position AGAIN. I thought it would be different since being a labor organizer was like being several things at once. But.. hah.. THAT’S the thing. Deep down inside I actually didn’t WANT to be several things at once.. heck.. I didn’t want to constantly BE at several places at once (WHICH is ABSOLUTELY inevitable when an organizer). Silly me. The profession I thought I would find fulfillment in unfortunately didn’t have the lifestyle I truly desired.
Being aware of lifestyle choices was never really on my mind for the past several years actually. I’ve always felt like I could live and continue to live somewhat of a nomadic life with a couple trusty backpacks by my side, going and fighting from cause to cause. I guess I thought I was anything but human. Again, silly me.
Where am I going with this. With the heavy cultural conflicts that I still struggle with to even come close to figuring out what kind of lifestyle I want to live especially being here in this crazy world we call LA, my biggest struggles have been self-worth and self-doubt without a doubt. How am I worthy when I’m not pouring myself into something worth dying for? What is my worth if I don’t see fruit to my labor? Am I even capable of going the distance, literally and figuratively?... And you know... if I don’t stop for a second and actually pay attention to those questions I’m asking... I’d miss the answers. How am I worthy when I’m not pouring myself into something worth dying for? Are you not seeking Him with all your heart and soul and mind during this time of waiting? What is my worth if I don’t see fruit to my labor? To be a strong tree, don’t you need roots deep and wide? Am I even capable of going the distance, literally and figuratively? Didn’t you already?
I am still learning to accept and embrace my human-ness. I am still learning to call LA my home. I am still learning to be okay being in this season. I am still learning to love me. I am still learning to just be.
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I need to invite You back in my life again. Without You nothing sustains me. I still ache and wonder where You are as I wander aimlessly. Help me invite You back in.
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"We are so interwoven, that as long as one thinks they’re not struggling and another knows they are struggling, we are all going to be struggling - until we all put our hands in the pot and get them dirty" - Neichelle Guidry
#143
I met a man at the corner of Sunset today. He was homeless and asked for change.
“Sorry, sir” I said.
But he asked again.
“C'mon…” he said.
I looked at him again.
I offered to buy him a meal. Asked him what he wanted. He mentioned the delicious-looking quesadillas that were on display on the restaurant window behind us.
“Sure, let me buy that for you.”
“But,” he said, “I have to be honest… I may be throwing it all up later. I just… I just don’t want you to buy me a nice meal and I’d have to put it all to waste…”
I knew what he meant before I asked why. He told me he was a heroine addict. He was “chasing the dragon.” He said how he prefers living in his dreams rather than in reality.
By this time, the Walk sign came up, so I stepped down the curb as I still had my eyes on him as he walked with me. I asked him what he eats for breakfast then. Just a bottle of Coca Cola he said. The liquid can stay in. But not the solid food.
We reached the Starbucks where I was to meet my friend. I could feel the many eyes through the coffee shop and car windows looking at me talking to this man.
“What’s your name?” I asked.
He pretended he didn’t hear me and asked me a couple times after I had to repeat myself what I had said.
“I don’t have a name. I never got one of those.”
His family a few states away thinks he’s dead.
“Well, if you could give yourself a name… what would it be?”
“People on the streets call me Whiskey.”
“Do you like that name?”
He laughs.
“It’s fitting but I don’t really like it.”
“If you could give a name to yourself, what would it be?”
“Some people on the streets also call me Whisper. It’s because I’m quiet.”
“Do you like that name?”
“Yeah, it’s alright.”
“Whisper it is! I’m Candice.”
“Hi Candice!” as he reached out to shake my hand.
He had a big smile on his face.
“Do you think you’re dead?” I asked, referring to what he said about his family thinking he’s dead.
“Well… there are people here that seem to like me… so… I don’t know…”
I forgot what I said after that… but he told me how it was a long story.
We gave each other another fist pound after he said my friend was probably waiting for me.
In the midst of it all I was asking God what I should do. To stay awhile longer and find a shady spot to sit under and hear more of his life or go inside the coffeeshop and meet my friend. Nothing came. So I followed my gut and wished him the best and parted ways. Maybe I’ll see him around again.
I thought about our encounter throughout the day. I’m still not sure what to make of it. I haven’t spoken to a homeless man or woman here in LA in so long. I forgot how meaningful they are to me. Having a conversation with them. I always believed they had something in them that I’ve always been both drawn to and very cautious of.
I thank God for having our paths cross for even 10 minutes and reminding me my heart for the poor and the homeless even here in LA…
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To love you still from afar.
I've only met you a couple weeks ago and I've decided to love you.
What a decision it is to love. What a decision it is to love even after hearing and seeing the scary and painful parts of you. I heard there was a fight. I saw that there was blood. I held my tongue and listened. I bit my lips and cried. What a decision it is to love… even when your beauty is still hidden from my sight… even when I know that being here is right. But I will still love you even though I just may break. I will still love you even though it could feel like more than I could take. I will still love you and will not run away. I will still love you even though this is foreign yet home to me. I will still love you even though you will eventually have to say goodbye to me. I will still love you and commit my best and even my worst… day by day.
It’s only been 2 weeks since I’ve moved into my community here in Payatas. And to love is to love. It is a choice and not a feeling. If love were a feeling, I’d move out the moment I heard there was a fight right outside my home with 2 drunk men with a rock and a knife. If love were a feeling, I’d purchase the first plane ticket back to LA the moment I saw a dead, bloody old woman laying on the floor right outside my home. An elderly woman was shot and killed. I’ve never seen such a thing until yesterday morning.
The Lord’s called me back here in the Philippines for a purpose. Specifically, He has called me to live here in Payatas to be amongst, learn from, and serve the urban poor here. Actually, this was His second calling for me to live in Payatas. I’m here for a reason and although I may not know why yet… I will choose to obey… I will choose to love… and I will choose to commit… even though my heart may break… even though I will eventually have to leave and say goodbye for awhile… I have no choice but to hope. I have no choice but to love and give my heart to this community… however that may look.
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2015
Pictures of each month’s highlights and snippets of my notes on my phone throughout the year. They express more than they show.
2015, you’ve been a healing year.
January
Team Manila reunion in San Francisco
I wrote this in December looking forward to the year:
“New month new job new home new car. You deserve to start new and fresh. Don’t let the things you can’t control get to you. You deserve better. Remember that. Reinvent yourself and don’t regret it.”
February
Valentine’s Day weekend with Sajira up in the Bay
“I ended it today,” I wrote. “Enough is enough. I deserve better. I am so tired of being tired and so tired of being sad.”
March
Time with family and myself filled this month. Love. I focused on love. Actually, this was what I wrote in the beginning of this month:
“And then I realized. I can and I will overcome. From heart breaks to disappointment. I won’t give up on love. Because He never gave up on me.”
April
Jella’s birthday party and the night after we made it official
“I think I can make you happy,” he said as I ran my fingers through his hair.
May
San Diego road trip with the college roomies
“My greatest achievements looking back... leaving B in that relationship and going after the love and gentleness I’ve always been so hesitant to reach for. Pushing myself and rolling with the punches when I chose to challenge myself as an organizer in the healthcare industry, working alongside amazing, passionate doctors. I did my best. I gave my best. Now here’s to a fresh start. A fresh beautiful start. So what do you want to do now Candice. Look at the things you’ve achieved so far. Are you convinced yet that you can do almost anything and be pretty decent at it? You gave your best. Now look for something that really resonates with you. Keep pursuing and don’t be afraid.”
June
Ed Sheeran concert with MATUL kids
July
Fourth of July celebration with him and his friends and family
August
Home-coming for the MATUL kids from Manila
“We are meant to be counter cultural wherever we go,” I wrote. “The goal is to be more Christ-like.”
September
Labor Day parade
October
Washington DC for work
November
Him meeting all my cousins at Jerad’s surprise birthday party
“Do you see Christ in him?”
I looked away and thought.
“The image I’ve always had of Christ has been.. being on the soil.. knees on the ground.. dirty.. not necessarily bloodied hands.. but just, pain. With him.. I feel comfort. No tears.”
“That’s Christ, too.”
December
Christmas weekend up in the Bay with his family
“My love, Merry Christmas. In the beginning of the year I told myself I wouldn’t give on love because He never gave up on loving me. Then I met you. I love you.”
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We couldn’t have celebrated our 7 monthsary weekend any better than spending time out with your family and hosting mine at your home for dinner and video games. I love you.
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There are still angels.
#76
A former drug addict walked into the bus this morning. Moaning. Groaning. Talking to himself. Everyone’s body stiffened. Their lips tight. Their eyes straight. I turned off my Ipod and took my right earbud out of my ear. Habit. He asked aloud where the nearest Walmart was. No one responded, nor dared to look back. I responded. He then got to talking. He admitted he was going through some withdrawals. I listened. By the end of our conversation, I realized our same hearts for reaching out to the homeless, the broken, and the outcasts as he expressed his desire to serve. And, he, too, was a Christian.
“Everyone is called but a few are chosen… and only a few qualify themselves,” he said aloud.
He then looked up and raised his hands.
“Send me, Lord! Send me!”
Then he looked at me and said,
“I can tell by your eyes you’re ready. Lord! She’s ready, Lord. Send her! Send her, in Your name, Lord.”
We blessed each other when he got off his stop.
I’m glad I took the bus this morning. People are afraid of buses because they think they’ll meet the killers and stealers and drug dealers… But there are angels too.
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It’s been so long since I’ve updated this. So here’s a few things:
1) I’m in love with the sweetest, sweetest man.
2) I’m 26 years old now and feel more at home here in Los Angeles.
3) I’m a lot less angry and much more happy and free.
4) I drive too much for work and I don’t like it.
5) I value spending more time with family and friends and having a social life than focusing on earning more money.
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So many people glorify and romanticize “busy”. I do not. I value purpose. I believe in resting in reason and moving in passion. If you’re always busy/moving, you will miss important details. I like the mountain. Still, but when it moves, lands shift and earth quakes.
Joseph Cook (via h-o-r-n-g-r-y)
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#1 Not everybody gets a second chance.
#2 Any relationship is a two-way street.
#3 Always count your blessings.
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The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman’s love with no intention of loving her.
Bob Marley (via phuckindope)
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being soft, gentle and warm is a different kind of radical. the ability to allow yourself to be vulnerable is very powerful
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