You really dont care about me, do you? Fuck ill be surprised if youve even still got this installed. At all. I was afraid to ask you if i could fall asleep on the phone to you. Its suppose to thunderstorm tonight. The past 3/4 days non stop ive had nightmares of you with other boys. N today youve been choosing to be distant with me - like youre just finally trying to move on from me but you want to hurt me in the process. These nightmares have crumbled me. Then today with the fair...the fact ben and people are going to be at this stupid party on friday or saturday or whenever. Everything. N you have a weekend alone at some point where im sure youre going to have someone over. Everythings been on my mind, but i feel like im alone. Like you dont even exist anymore. I could be smiling and laughing whilst watching a funny youtube video or feeling positive after a workout, but if i even think about you and get sad for a millisecond my mood and face drops, all false happiness escapes and depression enters me. I think im finally depressed...but properly now. But you dont care...and all because i chose to call my mum for 2 minutes instead of you. Im heartbroken yet i dont have a heart. Thanks alot Lucy. But you dont care.

I feel like im about to go fucking mad...and im alone Lucy. Im scared.

Honey, you are my inspiration, you make me whole and happy. I love you. When I am with you, I can’t resist cuddling you, to hold you tight and never let you go. I love you. The best thing that ever happened in my life is falling in love with you. You are my home, joy, happiness and I love you so much. Love is so sweet, it also has its ups and down. I am ready to face any challenge that comes my way for you. They say love has no boundaries; I am ready to cross over just to be with you forever. I love you. Forever baby. Im sorry...

The happiest place in this world is being lost in your love; I want to be lost in your love. Being in your arms is where I want to be, I want to wake up next to your beautiful face every morning. I was just thinking about how stunning yet cute you looked last night, and I cannot get you out of my mind. I am lost in your beauty. Your smile, your body, your eyes, tells it all. I am in love with you. Time is meaningless unless it’s spent with you. I love you beyond any words can express, I would walk for a thousand miles just to be with you...but i know what the problem is

Despite all this love i feeel for you...i have not felt love from you for a week now. Not a single bit...i need to feel loved too. Then i can be hapoy wih you again Lu...please. this isnt me critisizing you...its me reaching out for air and only you can provide it. I need you.

I dont know. I dont know where im going to be...in an hours time, 2, 3, 4. I dont know anything...and it scares me.

What else scares me? How attached ive become over the tiniest of sentimental things...

Its worn away now, but i could smell you. The tiniest trace of your smell was on the very edge of my blanket, from where you have layed with me so much, and i clinched onto it. That is where my head was laying every time i fell asleep, i screwd my hand up around it and held it to my nose when i have been sad, and just...imagined. i also felt your hair...when i had my eyes closed, id run my hand down mr cuddles'head - and i could imagine yours. The length, the silkiness, even the colour. I massaged it, played with it, and rested on it just how youd like it...and it made me feel you.

Yes...i dont expect you to forgive, or to forget...but if you see me standing outside your school today, dont reject me. Dont hide from me. Dont hit me... just let me hold you. We have a weekend of ... finding eachother once again, and i dont want this to get in the way - i want it to be a reason to try harder.

I love you Lucy. More then every moon and star i could count on the clearest of nights, more than anyone else that has a girlfriend. I love you.

And fuck...i miss you. Im just too scared to come home.

Ive scheduled this for 10...im sorry.

See you soon....my one true love.

The bus was more expensive than it use to be so ive ran home. Instead of messaging you im cowering away. This is scheduled for 10...dont be scared that its me.

I love you Lucy.

More than anything in the world.

Good luck in your exams.

Look, okay...i dont really know where to start.

See i could go down the easy route: by just complimenting you and letting you see that i still see pure perfections within you, or i could do it the mentally torturing way: by sitting here and letting my brain soak in the dissapointment and hatred of myself and just...crumble. neither of these are acceptable or sensible within these circumstances.

Literally the first day we were gone from eachother...we were so good. We were happy...we even turnt around and said about how we feel as if we arent gonna be bad anymore. One day...and ever since, we have been bad. I...have been bad to you. We havent even felt like a couple Lu...and thats painful in so many different ways. I completely understand now, why you feel alone. Claustrophobic. Trapped within yourself...i do get it. But i dont want you to feel that way.

The aim of this is to get you to understand...that i am here, and i can read exactly what youre going through. And to make you feel as if youre not alone...

You know, i get jealous. The fact that for 4/5 weeks...youve had so many boys pop up to you. 'Peng' or 'woah'or 'tasty'or some...cringey...shit like that. You must get such a buzz out of it...it must really make you think that you are yano...youre wanted by so many people amd have any outlet to find love and passion within, well, anyone - take your pick. I wish i could hype you up the way i use to...but now i dont even barely react. In general, ive been unmotivating to everyone around me. Im like a walking talking depressant...and i mainly effect you. I get flashbacks to the days where we would be walking through the streets, and id be so hypnotised by THAT body...MY body, that i became uncontrollable. Id always wanna grab you, hold you, touch you, nd you loved it. That menacing little smile of lust because you love how you have cintrol over me in every which way, purely by just your body. You like knowing that i really appreciate your body. And yet...now i cant even be bothered to view your stories/instas to even comment on them to let you know how much i appreciate you. Because oh my god...that lust for you and everything you are is still so insane.

I hate that im not your number one supporter either- im just...not. you always have so many people right damn there fot you all the time and you coukd get anyone to meet you at any point...yet the one person you need to support you isnt even there. To talk, to let you vent your worst biggest problems to your smallest niggles. How amazing would it be for me to be able to do that with you again? Amazing. Like the old days...fuck.

I just...hate it. How big of a difference there is between now and the past, where i use to be so addicted to you and wanting your attention all the time...but now i searxh for reasons to get away. I hate it. Because i love you just as much as then...but im the worst at showing it. I love you more than the moon and sun combined times ten. Heck, times a million. (Thats alot).

I just...i understand. I understand you miss me. You want me. You need me. The real me...not the sad ill uninterested callum. Amd guess what? I want to be that callum too. Look...these 2 weeks? We are gonna either make it work or say goodbye. We both want the amazjng love we have to offer together....we need it. And i want you to have mine...

Im so sorry for not being your Cal. I swear on the ring...that special promise ring. That promises my eternal love with you? That one.

Look imma go to sleep now...but if you read this in the mornin or tonight...you dont have to reply. Just breathe annd relax, take in the understanding.

I love you Lucy Leanne Milburn. Forever and always. I pinky promise. ❤

I have to admit that i have attempted to write something for...quite a while now. Lu ... i just dont really know how to say it. Dont... be dissapointed but i have to go football...but after my bath tonight? Im goinh to write for you. And i mean write...okay? You can read it in the morning or if you stay awake....but im sorry. Ill be there...goodbye lucy....my one and only...

No, im not perfect.

And im not afraid to admit so.

I dont know what happened yesterday, im not going to lie, and im also not going to lie that yes i am in the wrong more so than you are. We havent actually spoken today and yeah its felt a little odd...i feel like theres just the tiniest bit of me that is missing yano?

Like my life isnt a whole without you, and i dont work. I know...i didnt show that i couldve been there for you and no ive been a pretty bad boyfriend for almost a day now...but i need you to understand that im sorry. Im sorry for hurting you...for not treating you like youre mine. Like how i should treat the girl i love. Ive been bad...i have. And i do realise that...yeah i know i should probably last night apologised for being aggressive and just telling you to go away...its the normal thing to do and i didnt, i fucked up and its too late now. I hate it. I hate that i did that to you.

Look baby...ever since i got back and have been in bed ive been cuddling my teddy..having it sitting next to me. Mr cuddles reminds me of you. Soft, warm, and just so so snuggly. Jesus baby we cuddled so much didnt we! Yeah okay saturday morning i woke up with a bit of an achey back but it was worth it to just have my boo boo comfy on top of me. Youre worth it. Youre worth the sleep i lose... remember?:)

I dont expect you to just suddemly forgive me. Heck, i dont expect you to even like me rn...but please can we message and sort things out. Then once we call...we can be good again. Yano? Thank you my love. I miss you so much. So so much...

We arent the purest, the most reliable, the most trustworthy couple ever. Heck - theres times we do really hate eachother. Or dislike even. We can be so so bad...

But we always pull it back.

We can be the most loveable couple..other couples can look up to us when we are happy. Dont you think? We arent the best couple...but we are Callum and Lucy.

Thats the most we can offer the world - i can offer to be callum, you can offer to be lucy. I am in love with lucy, and im hoping lucy is in love with me

I know...i can be so nasty. So mean. So...heartless. i know. I know...im not the perfect boyfriend. But i do feel sorry. I am sorry. I AM sorry. For everything... for all the times ive disrespected my girl...my princess...my own future wife...i am sorry. I dont expect you to forgive me at all. Infact i dont even expect you to like me.

However i expect you know that the next time we talk, the next time we see eachother on friday...i expect you to know i love you.

I will see you soon Lu...save yourself any stress, dont reply... ill see you soon...

I just wanted to let you know that how much I appreciate having you in my life. For helping me through the bad times and being there to help me celebrate the good times, I cherish all of the moments that we share together. There aren’t enough words in the dictionary for me to tell you how glad I am to have you in my life. I am so lucky to have you by my side. Everything you do for me never goes unnoticed. I don’t know what I did to deserve someone as wonderful as you, but I am eternally grateful to have your love, support, and affection. Thank you for being you, and for having me by your side. My world feels dark when you’re not here. Even when I’m out under a cloudless sky, it feels like there’s a haze over everything. Before you, the world was filled with so many lights, streetlights, stars, the moon, and the sun. Now it feels like you are the brightest light in my life. It would explain why I feel so warm around you, how you provide me with the energy and the strength to persevere through my darkest hours. You also shine brilliantly enough that I know I’ll always be able to find my way back to you. If we were to spend every minute of the rest of our lives together, it still wouldn’t be enough. Everything I learn about you is a treasure to be cherished, and I’m hopelessly greedy. I want to horde it all, basking in your presence and soaking up every bit of you. Someday, I will kneel down in front of a girl other than you, but you don’t need to be jealous. That is the time when I tie our daughters shoelace. Well, it is my life goal where we can live together to build our happy family.

Im not the one for you. You hate me. I attack you, abuse you, give you nightmares. I wear you down wvery day until you have the bare minimum emergy, so you cant even eat or drink or move. I torture your head fucking it up with loads of different emotions chopping and changing every 10 minutes. I mess with your belief in us as a month ago even though we were bad you were happier then. I have made you lose all hope in us lasting. I cant even fucking think of nice things to say to you Lucy...i hurt you. I fucking hurt you.

Run away. Run away and dont come back. Run away and find someone else, fall in love with someone else, fuck someone else, die for someone else. Run away and find yourself, realise what happiness is again.

Im the thing holding you back in life lucy and its depressing you. I have depressed you. Depressed your emotions and fucking beliefs.

I cant even give you what you need.

Im not your fucking boyfriend im a monster to you, youre just fucking afraid to admit it. Admit it to yourself lucy...fucking admit it.

You hate me. I hurt you. RUN AWAY

Run the fuck away...

Hopsin - the old us.

Your thoughts break my skull and crash right into my head every day. I never knew I would like you like this. I never knew I would think so much about you. I didn’t know my mind will never get tired thinking of you so often. It is a complete surprise for me. I am still trying to take it all in. you are one of the most amazing wonders of my life. Baby you work too hard to be true. Please be easy on yourself and remember to take a break every now and then. Everyone needs a little break and so do you. You gave me a piece of your heart. I can never be more grateful for it than I am today. There is nothing more precious to me than this. You undoubtedly have a beautiful smile. Your smile is the most precious possession I have. I just want to tell you that I can do anything to make you smile. I can’t tell you how it brightens up my day and my life on the whole. So darling keep smiling always. If I were to look out for a person who is closest to perfection and almost flawless, it would be you. There are many people who are good and many who are better than good but you my love are the best. I have met so many people in my life but there is none who can be compared to you. You have a very special place in my heart. I love you baby from the core of my heart.

"I would say goodbye to you a thousand more times if it meant I got to see you one last time."

Lucy i really dont know if i want to be here anymore...this relationship is bad. So bad. But i will hold on for you. Because i know how bad you might need me and how deep in love you are. We can make it if we try hard enough...just right now, today, i am too tired. My dad and Jackie kept telling me i look so tired and ill...so im not lying when i say im exhausted. But im not going to give up on you because youre worth it. You are....i promise. You can see me soon and my kisses will wipe amll of yoyr sadness away, and my hugs will make you warm. We will make it...

Just watch this again to keep you going please

I just wanted to take this time to say thank you. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. Thank you for loving me and accepting me unconditionally and providing me with undivided love and attention. You’ve been there for me through everything... Knowing you are with me makes my life a dream come true. Remembering our first kiss is remembering since when my heart beats for you. You have taught me so much about life and because of you, I truly know what love is. Thank you for doing all those amazing things for me...No matter how many times we fight or argue, I always want to work it out. You have touched me more profoundly than I ever thought you could. No one could ever take your place. You are amazing in every way and I don’t know what I would do or where I would be if I never met you. You understand me like no one else can and I can truly relate to you in every way. I mean it when I say that I am yours, and you are mine. I love you and will always fight for you. I want spend the rest of my life with my amazing girlfriend.