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callmesm · 1 month

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day 01 of being silent

so today i gave my NEET ug exam and came back home. Not knowing nor calculating my score because i am hell tired of this shit.

Right now it is 12:38 am and i was playing chess, idk i should have allowed to play now? i gave my exam and i need time for myself? but no my dad woke up and started yelling at me that i won't be able to do anything if i continue to do this ? like why i am just trying to cope myself from the post exam trauma?

Hearing him, my mom started yelling too??i mean why cannot we??she was literally shouting on me ? on my behavior ? how ill mannered kid i am ? for what?? that i was just playing chess online??

idk how to react to such things, actually i stopped reacting to everything, i am just a numb kid now, i can not take all these taunts within my soul, nevertheless it tears me apart.

The fact that my own parents cannot see me happy makes me silent. I was a proud kid to them until i stopped achieving to their level, the day i failed and the day no one asked nor said that i am with you all these exams are not measuring the talent you possess , nobody.

I still hope that someday my mom will hug me and tell me that she is proud of me and she was ever and after so the same goes for dad.

I gulped few tears while writing this and yes i try not to cry in front of them because they would not understand in fact they will pin point my negative areas.

With all these, i am still standing tall with my lord's grace and i do not want anyone except him. He listens when i cry even when i am not, so who are these people? lets not drive into more until another .....

-SM:)

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callmesm · 1 month

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from where i begin

from where i left

a tragedy or just life

i do not find myself here

i do not want myself here

its not living until you breathe

its not alive until your dead

its just existing until you live

i carry my own until they burden me

i believe my own until they depress me

i have everything one needs to feel

but nobody asked what i feel

deep voices inside the land

bury my soul hand to hand

often i stay calm

often i stare

often i believe myself

often i fail to feel

often they wins

often i lose

SM:)

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callmesm · 2 months

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With You

where to begin? where to end? its just always in mid of chaos, every time, and i find you. i sleep while reliving all our memories, often tell myself how much i love this man, often try to show all the emotions. but somehow i fail to make you believe how grateful i am to love you. i just forget and choose to be quiet while living the moment. i do not know if its just the warmth of your presence that makes my soul calm or the stillness in my heart that forgets everything besides you. i want to be with this calm until the last beat. i want to be with you in all the dark and all the light. i want to make you believe that your not alone in this. i want everything that begins and ends with you. i want to build and explore the tiniest places on earth with you. i just want to write endless... because its YOU... -SM:)

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callmesm · 5 months

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my women

The women in my life,

They climb mountains,

Cry over each step,

But smile at the end,

Because it was worth it,

I wish I could be like them.

The women in my life,

Make room for all and one,

Forgetting their own hearts sometimes,

They mend others' over and over again,

I wish i could be like them

The women in my life,

They hold my hand through hell,

Listen to my sobs at night,

Share in my joys at the mornings bright,

Rescue me even from myself,

I wish I could be like them.

The women in my life,

I am sorry to never express,

How much i look up to you,

How much u mean to me,

But know this now, as I say it out,

I wish I could be like them.

The women in my life,

They've brought me this far,

Forever I'll be grateful,

And hope that one day,

I could be like them,

I wish I could make you proud,

Cause I sure am, to call u "my women"

-SM:)

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callmesm · 11 months

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Until death is mine, i owe everything to you.

Your shadows walk beside me in your absence. To my dull, you burn bright. With each passing day, i look back where it all started. I glance at those funny texts and melodramatic videos, the dilemma to get lost back in all over again. Looking at now, living with the best breeze, calm and comforting. It soothes how valuable life is when you find what you desire, the oath to serve loyalty comes as a reward. You glow differently when you feel what your heart breathes in. I can chase over and over you again and still fall, to me i can share a bruise that hurts you. The share of pain is like a balance of affection, its roots grow deeper when you learn to nurture them.

The carousel never stops turning, for every turn I'm here to look back at you. As the beatles famously sang " All you need is love".

The freakish idea of love flows through once and until then the soul demands nothing but essence of that person. You may traverse many but the soul will call for him, to me it's him.

Happenings beyond, often i ask my own, now i share it to you.. until death is mine, i owe everything to you.

- Sober diary of SM:)

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callmesm · 11 months

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A daily journal can drive you from why is this chaos so heavy to finding peace in slow tidings.

- SM:)

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callmesm · 1 year

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Happy Birthday Papa,

It's just another year of you being the King of the house. I thought i would surprise you with some good news but unexpectedly life has it's own way of telling things. Nevertheless maybe not today but someday your girl will make you proud no matter what comes in my way. I can't tell you how much i love you. Everyday passes, you keep on grinding for us, for us to live a you always wanted. Your the best papa, your my everything. Your Bhalu always.

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callmesm · 1 year

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The Beauty of Solitude: Embracing Being Alone

In a world that is increasingly connected, it can be hard to find a moment of solitude. We are constantly surrounded by people, noise, and distractions. But what if we took a moment to embrace being alone? What if we saw it not as a curse, but as a gift?

In his book "Walden," Henry David Thoreau writes, "I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude." Thoreau lived in a cabin in the woods for two years, two months, and two days, and found that being alone allowed him to connect with nature and find his own sense of purpose.

Similarly, in "The Prophet," Kahlil Gibran writes, "Your friend is your needs answered. He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving. And he is your board and your fireside. For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace." Gibran suggests that while friends are important, being alone allows us to find peace within ourselves.

Being alone can be a beautiful thing. It's a time to reflect, to find your own intellect, and to learn the lessons of life anew. In the silence, you can embrace self-discovery and find your own recovery.

In "The Power of Now," Eckhart Tolle writes, "The moment you realize you are not present, you are present. Whenever you are able to observe your mind, you are no longer trapped in it. Another factor has come in, something that is not of the mind: the witnessing presence." Being alone allows us to observe our own minds and connect with the present moment.

The beauty of being alone is not always appreciated, but it's a time to find oneself, to be liberated, to find the strength to face life's challenges, and to find the courage to take life's chances.

In "The Alchemist," Paulo Coelho writes, "When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it." Being alone can help us connect with our own desires and find the courage to pursue them.

So, let us embrace the solitude and the stillness. Let us find the strength to face life's fullness. For in the silence, we find our own home, and the courage to face the world alone.

- SM:)

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callmesm · 1 year

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Lost in self

In the quiet of the night,

I sit alone, with no one in sight,

A moment of solitude, a time to reflect,

A chance to find my own intellect.

The world outside is full of noise,

But here, I find my own poise,

The peace that comes with being alone,

Is a treasure that can't be shown.

The lessons of life, I learn anew,

As I embrace the silence that's true,

The time for reflection and self-discovery,

A time to find my own recovery.

Being alone is not a curse,

It's a gift that can't be reimbursed,

A time to find my own strength and courage,

A time to find my own purpose.

So, I embrace the solitude and the stillness,

And find the strength to face life's fullness,

For in the silence, I find my own home,

And the courage to face the world alone.

The beauty of being alone is not always appreciated,

But it's a time to find oneself, to be liberated,

To find the strength to face life's challenges,

And to find the courage to take life's chances.

So, let us embrace the solitude and the stillness,

And find the strength to face life's fullness,

For in the silence, we find our own home,

And the courage to face the world alone.

- SM:)

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callmesm · 1 year

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My eyes carry more tears than before.

A secret hope. A hope with tears. Ever happened?

It takes a moment to capture the essence of happiness. Some get lost in dilemma of being left. Some glaze over and over again like it's just one thing until you blink and get more.

I once read ‘If you want to know how much someone loves you, you should see how patient they are with you. Patience in human love can translate into: "I love you for who you are, and even more for the person you have the potential to be, and for this reason I want to stay by your side and help you reach the best version of yourself." What's beautiful about patient love is that it only gets stronger as time goes on. It's a beautiful correlation. It's like incense, the more it burns, the more fragrant it becomes.'

when he says “ily”, but Achilles once said “i would recognize you in total darkness, were you mute and i deaf. i would recognize you in another lifetime entirely, in different bodies, different times. and i would love you in all of this, until the very last star in the sky burnt out into oblivion."

But you‘ve always had that strange feeling whenever you looked at the stars, don’t you? You couldn’t figure out whether it was the mere feeling of longing itself or homesickness, but you’ve always felt that you don’t belong here, that there are other worlds reaching out for your hand, that there are other dimensions secretly whispering your name.

They say if we are sitting on the stars and watching the earth, we'd see ourselves from years ago. That means if this love doesn't last, someday we could be looking at the same stars and the stars would look back at us and see us years ago when we were together and in love. Your soul is made of stardust and you’re my favorite constellation.

I promise i will continue to love you through whatever comes our way. I know forever is a shot in the dark and love is fleeting and people are cynical and sometimes shit happens, but, listen, I want to be that one shot in the dark. I want it to be us in the end. I want to be the story that people tell in thirty years because no one fucking believed that we'd make it...

- SM x AM.

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callmesm · 1 year

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There's a saying in arabic "يا ريت انا ولا انت" which translates to "I wish it were me not you" and you say it to the ones you love when they're unwell. Its like....I love you so much that I'd rather be in pain than watch you suffer. And I think thats beautiful.

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callmesm · 1 year

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i love the way your smile dances. the way you smile only for me. how your gorgeous eyes crinkle perfectly into place and how you laugh. your soft, broken and delighting laugh. i am in love with your hair. and how i may run my fingers through it when nobody else is around. i love your hands, chewed at the seams of its skin, like mine, how they lock with my fingers and hold me steady. your kiss is like a fever. i love your passion, your driving emotion. the way you become a firework. i love you.

-SM :)

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callmesm · 1 year

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Love is....

sometimes it waits, patiently with a hand on your heart, and coming forward to live with you, never alone, with a head on a shoulder and a smile deep down

Sometimes it beat and drum and pound in your head and refuse to go and refuse to go

Sometimes it will come to the front, filling your veins till you wear it on your sleeve

- SM :)

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callmesm · 2 years

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May Allah forgive me for the days I relied on other people more than Him. Indeed relying on anyone other than him only brings you disappointments 🥀

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callmesm · 2 years

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Sometimes all you gotta do is lock your self for an hour and realise what the hell is actually going on around you. Why people are doing their daily jobs?Is it just for money? Or they got families to feed?

Look at yourself, you almost lost your nurture phase. It's no more fun with games rather you have books to read. You gotta put work on. You've to figure out yourself. What you gonna do for the rest of your life is brutally beating you daily. You got work and stamina also your tired sometimes. You feel like giving up. But you wait and look at the dreams you once had under the moon while lying on and empty ground. No one was there with you when you dreamt of those lovely things, so here your alone working for yourself. Indeed you gotta party with others but the only happy one will be you. So just push yourself a lil harder and let the boat sail a lil fast than yesterday. Shower yourself with positive thoughts. It shall end the way you worked. Make it worth.

-SM:)

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callmesm · 2 years

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warrior

a thousand times the weapon meets me with obsidian-sharp edges

unshielded, vulnerable

( there’s no choosing what comes our way )

a thousand times the weapon penetrates

I’m learning to live with the wounds

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callmesm · 2 years

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Jealousy

Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value.

Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative - self-value.

If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved.

You will always think it’s a mistake or luck.

Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within.

Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences.

Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security.

Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them.

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