Guilt

I never got to apologize for the way I behaved years ago. If I could go back in time, I'd apologize for leading you on when I was emotionally unavailable. The worst part of it all... I was far from attracted to you. I didn't find you attractive until I was intoxicated and at the time you were my drinking buddy. Because I was in a different headspace, I enjoyed your company since, of course, I knew there was always alcohol involved. No hang out went by without the glue holding us together; alcohol. This of course was before I realized how funny and charming of a person you are. How much of a good friend you are. How much of a good lover you are.

I'll never forget the nastiest thought I had and I will forever feel awful about it. You put me on a pedestal and enjoyed me for who I was, while I was sickened by your appearance. I do recall having a thought where I called you ugly and was grossed out by you. A thought that came to mind before hooking up but at the time didn't care because alcohol and sex was involved. I wish I could go back in time to end things after that thought and to take time to self-reflect because that alone was horrendous. I am very disappointed with my younger self. The sad truth is, while I was having those cruel thoughts, there was a boy falling head over heals for a girl who was stringing him along.

I'm sorry I leading you on when I wasn't ready. I'm sorry for confessing my feeling towards you and then ghosting you. I'm sorry I used you to be my drinking buddy. I'm sorry I was never honest with you. I'm sorry for being manipulative and for putting myself in situations that gave you an untrustworthy view of me. I'm sorry I rejected you on Valentine's because I wanted to ask YOU to be my boyfriend. I'm sorry I was passive. I'm sorry I didn't give you a gift on your birthday. I'm sorry for not prying more in your life. I never asked how school was going for you. What you were majoring in; What you wanted to do; What you were thinking of; How you were feeling; How you felt about is; because the depressing truth is, I was just there. Never engaging in the relationship. At the time all I really offered was sex.

Despite everything that happened between us, you made an effort to keep me in your life, which in retrospect, was a red flag. You knew before things got serious I didn't respect you and the lack of self-love should have been a red flag for me. I didn't see the red flag in us because I was naive and never rspoke about our toxic relationship to anyone because I was guilty of all I'd done.

Now years later we are no longer together. Surprise? Shouldn't be. Instead you're with someone else's baby momma (I say this to comfort myself as you guys are living happily ever after(?) ) We tried going strong as an exclusive couple but it had a 10 month lifespan. The gutwrentching truth is you made it to the year mark with his baby momma; You take her on dates; you take pictures with her and of her all the time; and you take her on trips with the child. You are actually a boyfriend to her. You make her feel like a queen and in all your efforts, you never made me feel like one.

It hurts knowing (knowing because i'm fucking toxic) how different you're treating someone else. They're living in a fairytale while I had the bare minimum. When I saw it with my own eyes I bawled because I felt insecure and worthless. Why was I never invited to your anual scenic trips? Why did you let me know a day prior? That broke my heart.

BUT I have to be realistic and accept the truth, I wasn't deserving of any of the special treatment. I was an awful person to Cuahutemoc and although I had a redemption arc in the exclusive relationship, it was never enough to sustain the livelhood of the partnership.

I did love you Cuahutemoc. every inch of you, while we were a couple and I am sorry I never made you feel loved/reassured. The feeling I had for you as your girlfriend was true. You made me happy and giddy, until that feeling faded. Thank you for giving me a chance to be a part of your life. I know I failed you, but I failed you from the very beginning and your forgiving self took a leap of faith, which blossomed into an unhealthy beautiful relationship.

I get triggered when i think of you because it's a reminder of how awful I was allowed to treat you. Yes we had a pleasant view months together but they don't outweigh the bad times. i'm sorry Cuahutemoc...

2023 6 27

So many years since I've been active. A lot has changed since 2017. Unfortunately, my baby girl passed in 2020, still hurts to this day. I love you Peach and miss you dearly! Idk if she would've liked my studio though :( given how small the place is.

Another change, you're not with Cuahutemoc anymore. In fact, he's actually a stranger now happy with someone else. Crazy how someone you've known for years and has been a huge part of your life is now gone. 10 months into our relationship (january 2020) it went downhill, leading to our final break up (there were 2 others). I will never forget how the break up took a toll on my mental health, which resulted in loss of sleep, and loss of weight. I was at 137lbs! Do I miss him? Not really, anymore. After reflectiving on our relationship, we weren't good for each other. The only thing glueing us together was our familiarity with each other and the lack of self-love. Despite all that happened, I don't have any hatred towards him. All amable energy towards him.

Crazy enough, you're 1 year in a relationship with Elver next month! Survived the 10 month mark 🤣 1 year as a couple but going on 3 years as besties 💙

With that being said, logging in to tumblr and the first things I see are posts of Cuahu and i.. that made me laugh. What are the odds? It made me realize it's time to update my acct.

Manchester! The neighborhood bulldog. The. cutest. Dog.