I'm going to San Dona di Piave. And I'm anxious. Cuz leone and his non-English-speaking friends will be there and will come pick me up to go to Jesolo.

Signore e signori, vi presento: Filippo B.

Il ragazzo che mi può dare esattamente quel tipo di supporto emotivo che bisogno in solo qualche messaggini, the very thing some (Leone B) barely managed to provide during the course of four fucking months.

Today y'all. Was a very special day.

I saw Ashkan.

The guy I used to cry over. I remember the day I cried over his graduation photos so bad, curled up in bed. Sure that I'll never see him ever again in my life.

He saw me. Came to me on the portello bridge and hugged me so warmly. Not a formal dry hug, a cosy friendly one. Warm. Reminding you of home.

I'm so happy I saw him. I dont know if it's a curse or a blessing that now I dont remember how much I used to love him. I bet hella lot. I wanted kids. I seriously fucking did.

At some point when walking in Via Altinate we lowkey hugged again when talking about Afsharchi.

I told him about Leone. He told me why he had broken up with Kiana. And how he did used to date Negin.

I feel like today was like some glitch in the matrix. Like it should not have happend. It doesn't match with my anxiety of old days.

Solar eclipse shadows

I have replaced Leone with this safe space here.

Now I'm heading back to it with my head tilted down while I carry on my back a sack of sorrow and disappointment. A sack I cant decide until when I'm able to carry on my back.

I need to speak up. I dont because I'm too afraid of being abandoned. In fact I do feel abandoned everytime you leave. Every weekend when I dont see you. And by abandoned, I mean gone forever.

I've recently grown fond of myself everybody. I actually am pretty much mentally and emotionally stable now that I've seen him, the self-entitled son of a bitxh.

fuck you leone you son of a bitxh

This stoooooopid pRiNcIpLe of yours is mean and unbelievably selfish!!!!!!!!!! It tortures me and you enjoy it? Why would you be the one to choose which principal should be applied????

You make me feel like a stray dog

A dog, not belonging to anywhere

Or any time

I should have never got exposed to her existence

Neither too much of it in your life

Nor at all

She makes me feel like I'm living a lie

Like shes the main character

And I'm just a loser side character

A loser with no home

A stray one

Oh how my heart aches every time I remember

I remember you saying

"You're beautiful. You can even find love one day"

How it breaks my heart everytime I see your name in her notes

How she censored the parts about your apartment in jesolo

I dont wanna know these things

I should have never found out

This is not okay

I am not okay

Interesting conversations I've had lately with leone.

*him looking at my permesso card*

P: it's not my best photo

L: I'd fuxk her

.

*L choking me*

P: I cant breathe

L: that's the point

.

L: I wish I could suck the depression out of you

L: I put the gear on auto so i could hold your hand

dont tell him that you need time and space for HIM to make up his mind, meet 'her' or any other, the fact that he's still unsure after this time, means that he's more towards negative than positive. dont tell him all of these until he hasn't mentioned the next meeting (in case it's something intimate AGAIN)

When did I become so dull as a human, last night I s***** his d*** and yes it's true, it is salty. Then this morning I gave him a huge ass hickey on his neck. I also cried in his arms when he told me about the other girl. Then I noticed his eyes had become watery too. Last night we made ratatouille and drank wine. I showed him my old printed photos. He was surprised by how my dad looks different in any photo. He also told me that unlike with the other girl, he likes to get to know me better. He also gave me four or five reasons for why he's dubious about starting a relationship with me. He mentioned he needs time to see if he can deal with them instead of changing or resolving them. He became the small spoon. We did a tit job. I sucked on his nipples he said it's relaxing. I sucked on his ear too. We had a lot of intimate eye contacts. He told me the thought of someone else penetrating me would upset him. Once I accidentally referred to him as my boyfriend and he totally freaked out. And the goodbye. Was much longer than a goodbye kiss like the last time, when at the door we kissed he hugged me and rose me up from the ground I swear to God he did....he said i have a sweet face.

There's s thick black mold on your memories

I had almost forgotten the name of the city you come from

Thom Yorke never disappoints

Always brings me back to you, to my reconstruction of you

I hope you're doing okay Filippo

I hope you're happy

I genuinely do

:"(

فاطمه دو دقیقه نرین ببینیم داریم چیکار میکنیم توی زندگیمون

دو یورومونو که داد

چیپس اضافه‌م داد

دیگه کم مونده بود علی رو خم کنیم کونم بده

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