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3.20, “We Were Here” - Is There Anything You Want To Tell Me?

I started writing this post a while ago.

I started writing it way before the episode aired. Before I even saw the bench promo.

I started writing it because the truth was, whatever ended up being the culmination of this story, however that manifested itself in the final episode, as long as it respected the characters and got them together, it didn’t matter as much as the fact that this all happened in the first place.

Don’t get me mistaken. The bench scene blew me away. I think it’s perhaps one of the most beautiful scenes the show has ever done. I still choke up thinking about it even now.

It starts with the two talking about Kira and TJ says she’s not a nice person, but Cyrus reminds him of their past: there was a time when people believed he wasn’t a nice person either.

TJ says that sometimes there’s a nice person on the inside trying to get out. He wasn’t happy when he was a jerk, not genuinely, because he wasn’t being himself, in multiple ways. He was actually, deep down, a nice person, but he was trapped in this shell of anger he’d built for himself as a defense mechanism. And he didn’t have an escape. He needed someone else to see it, to look past his shell and see him as a person. He needed someone to give him the push to start bettering himself, to start letting that nice person out.

Cyrus says he knows that, but, really, he’s always known that. He’s always believed that about people, TJ most of all. He wouldn’t have spent so much time being there for TJ and defending him if he didn’t know that to be true.

They move on to the next thing: TJ’s name.

On the surface, this seems like a silly conversation, but there is so much more to it. This is TJ’s big secret (except for, you know, the other one). It’s something only his family knows because they know by default, but it’s something he’s never told anyone else because he’s never been close to or trusted anyone enough to tell them what TJ stands for.

But here he is, staring at Cyrus, and Cyrus is making him smile again by being Cyrus, and he decides, okay, this is the person I can tell this to. And he makes Cyrus swear, and Cyrus does, and because he trusts Cyrus so much, he decides to share.

He tells him it stands for Thelonious Jagger, and for a second it seems like he might regret it, but of course Cyrus isn’t going to judge him for his name. In fact, he loves the name, not just because it’s unique and unusual and has a story behind it, but because TJ chose to tell him it. He chose to entrust him with this knowledge.

So TJ has just shared this secret with Cyrus. A secret he’s had since pretty much three days after he was born. A secret that he’s had some shame about. And what happened? Cyrus was nothing but positive. And he’s looking at him with this warm smile on his face, and TJ realizes, this is it. I have to go for it. I have to know if he likes me like I like him.

It’s one of the scariest things in the world to put yourself out there like that. To take a leap of faith. Even more so when you’re gay. More so when you’re closeted. More so when you don’t know if the other person is gay, too.

But TJ knows that even if Cyrus isn’t gay, he’s not going to judge him. He never has and he never will. So he finds the bravery to make this little hand movement towards him. A subtle but unmistakable gesture. So small, and yet it requires mountains of courage.

And Cyrus sees it, and smiles. His doubts, his fears that he’s been deluding himself, that he’s fallen for another straight boy who’s not going to like him back, they disappear. And he looks at TJ and asks him if there’s anything he wants to tell him.

And TJ says “Yeah.” And that “Yeah” is everything. I want to tell you everything. I want to tell you how much it means to me that you always knew there was a nice person inside trying to get out. That you saw me when no one else did. That you did something as simple and as nice as inviting me to your Bar Mitzvah when you didn’t need to. When I hadn’t given you a lot of reason to. That you helped me accept my dyscalculia. That you pushed me to be a better person. That I’m constantly trying to make myself better because I just want to be the person you’ve always seen in me. I want to tell you how long I’ve liked you and how much I want to hold you hand right now. I want to tell you everything. Is there anything you want to tell me?

Yes. I want to tell you everything. I want to tell you how much it means to me that you taught me how to stand up for myself. That you pushed me out of my comfort zone when I needed it. That you showed me how to somersault. That you gave me confidence and you never judged me either. I want to tell you how much it means to me that you’ve made amends with my friends and that you keep striving to be a better person. I want to tell you how long I’ve liked you. I want to tell you everything.

But they look into each other’s eyes and they know they don’t have to say it. They don’t have to have this conversation because they’ve already had it a dozen times in their lives. He’s with me. You know where to find me. I’m there. There is nothing wrong with you. I can help you with that. You think you know someone. Blueberry macadamia. I talk about you. You’re the only person I can talk to like this. Of course I came. I have an idea for costume day. I’ll drive you there. They don’t have to say anything because they’ve already said everything. They’ve been saying it their entire relationship. They just didn’t know for sure until this moment that the other person was saying it, too.

But now they do, and the only thing left is to hold hands and let go of that breath they’ve been holding in for so long. That breath that contained all of their fears and anxieties about rejection and loss and not being understood. The kind of breath you let out after taking the biggest leap of faith of your life and landing safely on the other side.

And the camera pulls back and retreats into the house, leaving them framed by doors as if the camera’s watching them from afar, like it once did from behind a tree as they sat on the swings in the park. It leaves them alone, just the two of them, in their own special world. They have each other, and that’s all they need.

It’s brilliant. It’s subtle, it’s emotional, it’s stunning. It’s an achievement in writing, directing, editing, and acting. It’s one of my favorite scenes the show has ever done.

But beyond the scene itself, this moment was the end of something truly remarkable. Something I sometimes have a hard time believing really happened.

Cyrus. The gawky Jewish kid. The awkward boy who spent season one being comedic relief and quietly pining after the cool kid. And it’s not like he was a bad character – he was still written and performed well – but he wasn’t a character you would say you’d never seen before.

And then he looks back. And then he comes out to Buffy.

Could you believe? Not just gay-coded. Not just one dimensional comedic relief. A real gay character. A gay character with depth. A gay character who has way more attributes than “being gay.” On Disney Channel of all places.

TJ. The angry jock. The bad-attitude basketball team captain and certainly not a character you would say you’d never seen before.

And then you learn he’s dealing with a learning disability and an internal shame about it. And maybe he’s actually got more depth than you first gave him credit for.

And could you believe this angry jock with dyscalculia takes a liking to the awkward gay kid? Not just for a quick gag. Not for a forgettable c-plot where they’re thrust together to finish a project for Spanish class. A storyline. A storyline that starts with a muffin and blossoms with a chance encounter where they form a bond. A true bond. An unbreakable friendship birthed out of two people helping each other when they needed it the most. And maybe – and, my God, could you believe it, maybe – if you squinted… something more?

And could you believe that storyline would continue? That they would keep helping each other. Teaching each other things. Making each other better.

The angry jock becomes less angry. The awkward gay kid becomes, well, not less awkward, but at least more assured in his awkward self. And the whole time they continue growing closer. And the gay kid moves past his first crush, opening the door to a new world of possibilities. And the jock gets redemption by apologizing through, and talk about unbelievable, a rap.

And could you believe, when that was all said and done, the jock would look back, too? Was it ambiguous? Yes. And yet, for all the immediate ambiguity, for all the doubt we might’ve had in the moment, the thoughts that maybe it might be something else, that we might be heading down a road of disappointment too many of us had been down before… we knew. We knew this wasn’t that. Because we had put our faith in this show before and had been rewarded. We knew this was a sign. A sign for those paying attention, an indication that what this all seemed to be was exactly what it was. The formerly angry, now redeemed jock looked back at the gay kid who had come to mean so much to him and suddenly, there were two gay characters on the show. On Disney Channel of all places.

And then, a season of trials and tribulations, ups and downs, being split apart and coming back together. Growth. Conflict. Surprises. Humor. Basketball tryouts. A gun. The swings. A jersey. A challah. A Shrek reference. A somersault costume that never was. A shirt. A trial. A stolen golf cart. A musical performance.

And a bench.

Could you believe? A year and a half plus of waiting and watching and hoping.

Could you believe it paid off? Could you believe it was worth it? Could you believe we actually got a gay couple?

A gay couple! A gay couple featuring two real characters. Not a one time guest spot. Not a gay character content being alone. Not a bland character who could blend into the wall and fly under the radar. Not a character introduced last minute just to do it. Important, gay characters. Characters with goals. With victories and setbacks. With bright spots and flaws. With backstories. With depth. Main characters. Main, gay characters.

And on the Disney Channel. Just a few years ago, you could barely expect to get anything on the Disney Channel.

And yet, here it was. Of all the places in the world to find this story. This beautiful, emotional, moving, deep, rich, and fulfilling story about two gay kids finding each other through improbable and wonderful circumstances, we found it on the Disney Channel.

Sometimes, I just can’t believe it.

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