Entry 39

31/01/2023 1:29 why do i even bother getting my hopes up… so the boy I was talking platonically with, S… it turned sexual, and like a fucking braindead disgusting piece of shit I assumed he had told me he was over 18, when he didnt say it. And then he turned out to be 16. And instead of doing the normal thing of dropping it i keep talking the same way with him, and then after almost 2 months of being best friends we start dating, I couldnt be happy just being friends with him no i had to start dating a fucking minor like a humongous piece of shit that i am all because im a lonely twat and hes the first person i felt happy with. and now i think hes in trouble with his mom and he said hes gonna be distant for a while. I didnt even think to ask him what he meant exactly, i dont know if hes gonna talk less frequemtly or just stop altogether for a while. Why did I have to get so fucky unlucky with love. Someone who means the world to me turns out to be an underage boy and now it doesnt even feel right to say that I love him. The first person I date and i have to keep it a secret. Theres so much i wanted to write about him, how he makes me happy how hes the first person i finally felt like i could open myself up with who i could be weird together with… the love of my life, and now hes being taken away from me… Theres a good chance im exagerating… hes probably asleep right now, and my brain is just telling me that i wont see him at all for a while or forever what the hell is wrong with me…. why did i have to get mixed up in something like this…. I just want to see him again, I just want to hug him I dont want to lose him, S… please… come back to me, its been like 2 hours and i miss him so much im such a pathetic fuck

Entry 38

11/01/2024 Happy new year I guess, and happy first entry where im not that sad i guess I got over J, in the sense that i dont think about her anymore but will crawl back if she ever gives me any attention. First time im reading off of the last entry cause i wanna do a proper update The girl i was talking platonically with? she didnt ghost me just busy, we exchanged numbers and now talk a lot which has been really nice, he was also mtf but changed his mind so change of pronouns and stuff, he's really nice to talk to. Ive fully made up with my cousin as well, so thats been nice, another source of interaction but this time irl. im also wingmanning for someone online and by that i mean someone wants to tell their crush their feelings but theyre scared to do it so im gonna ask for them how theyd react to a confession. Still looking for someone but its still rough, still want someone like J

You know theres not much i want to say in this entry, mostly just wanted to say i got over J so yay for me and ive been slightly more happy lately (only slightly though)

Entry 37

24/12/2023 00:10 Merry Christmas Eve and merry month of no contact with J

… I dont even know what to write about im just crying and want to get the sad out so i stop being a useless fuck and get to work Been talking to another girl i met on reddit (platonically), she seems really nice… but she hasnt respoded to me today… and left me hanging 2 days ago. Probably more ghosting… i guess i should be used to this… I have other e-friends i can keep talking to them… who am i kidding i had so much fun talking to her… ugh stop being dramatic its been a day shes just busy, its christmas and shes probably a terminally online loser like me…she'll get back to me…i hope…

I kind of made up with my cousin so thats nice too i guess… im catsitting for her and my cat is being a coward to her cat so no playtime with them

i hate these fucking tangents i dont give a fuck about this shit. i just want… i dont even know what i fucking want anymore… is company even enough? ive been talking to some people and i still feel like shit, what else am i gonna fall back one? touch starved? what happens if by some miracle i get some touch and it doesnt magically solve all my problems then what? jumping off a bridge and feeling the touch of the ground?

been thinking way too much about suicide lately… damn bad voice wont stfu.

what the hell is even wrong with me… cant talk to people, cant be productive cant be happy

oh hey someone replied to me… why do i suck at talking online as well… all i know besides asking what people are doing is asking stupid worthless questions, i cant even talk about myself spontaniously because im scared of the other person being disinterested and im too much of a dumb ass to talk about myself besides some random fucking tidbits…

well the writing seems to have worked in getting the sad out so ill try to get back to work i guess… merry christmas or whatever

Entry 36

11/12/2023 00:09 Well.. its monday… i was really hoping shed get back to me on sunday like shes done before but… no such luck… I guess its probably too early to say she wont talk today but im kind of losing hope on it

she didnt reply to my message asking for just a message from time to time so i know everything is okay… she didnt even see it, but i still have that damn last seen recently from telegram…

I dont know what to do anymore… i cant nor do i want to move on but i dont think theres nothing else i can do…

At least i was able to make some friends… maybe i should bring it up… ugh im too akward for that

More suffering in silence i guess…

I almost cried when i received a kiss from goofy rp i was doing… that was fun i guess

why is it so hard to find someone online

why do i suck at talking irl, and going outside in general i guess

i wish i could just give up

castrate my brain to not want love anymore

…

that was a weird way to put it but whatever

i enjoy my time alone… its just the reminder that im alone that sucks… i wish i could get rid of it… talking online doesnt feel enough, i really want some fucking touch

why is being happy so hard

wow just got an apology from someone for disapearing for 26 minutes, imagine that… someone considering 26 minutes a big amount of time to be gone by and enough to warrant an apology… meanwhile im officially on week number 2 of no contact. 14 days of nothing, just waiting for something to happen…

In other news writing sucks and i do it very slowly and as usual here i am writing this shit instead

i should get back to work

btw the thing from the last entry yeah the favour was asking to borrow reddit account, yippy… why did i even bother

Entry 35

6/12/2023 00:15 Why the hell did i think it would be different. why would we go back to talking regularly after she ghosts me for almost 2 weeks i wish i could just move on, but i neither want to nor can find someone else, i browsed through fetlife and stuff and tried messaging some poeple yesterday but no luck there either… one of the scammers from telegram posted a story about needing a 'favor' and theyll dominate for free… the favor is most likely asking to borrow an account for posting on reddit because of karma requirements because shes posted another story asking that… asking about the favor seems really tempting for some reason, i dont know why im interested in someone that charges and is dishonest, probably because of despair, you know i dont even know why im being anonymous about her its @goddessclaire8 if someone shares this telegram accoung a) she charges and b) is dishonest. you know what fuck it im just gonna ask her to see if thats what she wants.

tomorrow im gonna have test, which means i should stop writing and maybe go over some stuff, but who has the mental capacity for that amirite… im really getting sick of some stuff at college, too many teacher just expecting you to know not explained stuff, but everyone somehow already knows it, maybe theyre not lazy fucks and actually look up relevant stuff and you know learn outside the classroom which i dont really do.

ive been talking to some people online but i still feel really lonely, i dont know if i just want deeper connection or just physical touch, i dont know wtf i want anymore…

dad kind of demanded i go to a therapist but i refused… honestly i dont even know why i did it, maybe a bit of a mix between thinking they wont be useful and they'll share stuff with my parents which means i wont be able to completely open up, tbh i dont want to completely open up to them either, not gonna share that im desperate sub and that im touch starved and stuff, i guess i could keep it to myself and its not like id impact the effectiveness of therapy but who cares stubborn brain wont let me get help, all i need is touch and gf and im fixed, classic solution.

also the discord thing didnt really work out, havent talked there, cant do it. also kinda sucks that most people dont really talk back, its hard to be the one that always starts talking, and ive only kept contact with 2-3 people, some didnt even reply to my heys anymore so i guess i was just too boring as usual. damn just remembered theres someone that would always start and we havent talked in a bit should text him tomorrow. And i guess i should just go to sleep, not being eepy is proabbly gonna do more good than looking at some stuff in a hurry.

maybe J will text me on sunday again… that seems to be the day shes usually free… maybe ill get that video call… i also had to wait a fair bit to talk with D so… i just have to be patient… again… like ive been… for a month………. itll be worth it in the end………………………… i hope

Entry 34

29/11/2023 14:45 Well we talked again on the day after, which was nice, but now we had another day without talking.. i guess a day isnt a lot for someone whos waited 11 days waiting for a text. We had another abrupt ending to the session but at least i got a heads up this time.

But the ending was after i did a task for her…she asked me to piss all over myself, which was a bit weird but I didnt mind doing it but… i might have accepted it too easily, at this point she could be starting a blackmail folder on me or something… more anxiety to have, great. But after the task i cleaned myself and asked if we could finally do a videocall but she said she had to leave and thats the last ive seen of her.

I really got obsessed thinking of her again, I had pretty much moved on and now i spent half my class daydreaming about her… someone who might just be using me… who is just messing with me and seeing what she can make me do… damn fucking brain wont let me be in peace, I just… need to trust her, she hasnt done anything to break my trust..aside from kind of ghosting me.. but i have to trust her, she said she was gonna be more active, maybe well even talk today, but it doesnt matter she said she got caught up in drama, well drama isnt eternal and she said she was gonna talk with me more and i just have to trust her, just need to have faith in her, shes not using me, shes just busy, shes not going to blackmail me, she just has a piss fetish, which i can work with on my terms. I can do this. For her and for myself.

Entry 33

26/11/2023 22:02 well guess whos back, its J. apparently family drama made her go no contact for 11 days. I do still trust her a bit when i probably shouldnt, but she said shell be around more, so i guess believing that is irrelevant, jushave to wait for the results. I did open up a bit about being insecure and she was nice about it. shes really apolegetic for not talking. I was actuallt plannig on saying sry i cant keep up the ""relationship"" if we barely talk but i guess im too much of a bitch to do that. and what would be the point of doing that anyway, like i have anyone else waiting for me. Wanna know how many people i tried talking to in this short time? 9. wanna know how many even bothered to answer? 3. One was an exchange of heys that died, the second was a findom on non findom ground (oh boy i really missed those) and the cherry on top, the last one that replied to me seemed nice and asked for a picture… and she blocked me after i sent it….. love being ugly so.. lets see how things go with J I guess, hope this will just be a bad memory to put in the past. we'll see i guess

but i guess i do have other news for a change, i made a little may may pretty much just saying wow i suck at making friends, and a lot of people did reach out which was nice, joined a small discord and i seem to be able to talk a bit, but it was one conversation so far pretty much, we'll see on that as well.

maybe another update will come sooner than usual. This is the fourth time I say it but, we'll see

Entry 32

21/11/2023 00:01 Well, I guess its official now… alone again… or im gonna be her ocasional booty call, which i guess isnt bad, i just have to manage my expectations with her, have a purely sexual non romantic relationship…

I honestly took it better than i thought it would, i dont know if i remembered to mention it but on the day i made the booty call realization and i was running late to school i got angry at traffic as per usual, and after straight up screaming at a dumbass driver in the middle of the road i started crying really hard in my car, and i guess i got all of my sadness out at that point, which i guess is better than suffering for a long time. Still it makes me question if i actually loved her if i got over her so easily… i guess love is a strong word for someone ive talked with only on a couple days on pretty much exlusively sexual topics, maybe i grieved on thoughts of what could be maybe i was really sad for losing her and im overthinking it

its not like all hope is lost though i guess, theres still that slight chance that she suddenly got 1 morbillion surgeries back to back and when shes done with those shell have time for me again, or maybe i should stop making fanfics in my head and accept ive been ghosted/only being used for sex with increasing rarity.

I really wish i wasnt the one that has to start conversations with people, i talked to a couple people for non sexual purpose, and it kinda sucks that i have to be the one that starts conversations, or else theyll just die off, i wish i could have someone text me… asking about me… caring for me… I hate grabbing my phone and seeing no notifications, except for reddit comments and shit I changed the notifications for J and the 1 (one) time i got to hear it made me so happy. Maybe i really should talk with my cousin again, even if i was not her first option someone to talk to/only when everyone else was busy and was just used to just go talk about her problems..ugh nvm im not really remembering those memories very fondly..but still maybe i should send her a text.. or wait for her to try to call me again, though it has been a couple months since we talked, and even if going out just to talk isnt exactly my cup of tea i guess its still healthy of me to talk to her instead of just stewing on my sadness alone

I wish i could go back to being happy while alone. I dont know what happened to me for me to get fucked up like this… Ive been talking a bit with some guys in college, but its very little social stimulation, and is really boosting my impostor syndrome, maybe i should just get a job and get off this fucking place… what am i saying, how could me relocating and leaving the confort i have here help in any possible way… I gotta learn to be more independent as well, I cooked by myself the other day, which was easier than i thought, so thats good news at least i guess… though it was just boiled pasta and scrambled eggs, but its a step in the right direction.

i wonder how long itll take for me to find someone again… another half year? maybe a full year this time? would i even be able to manage that? im starting to get really sensitive to any cute couple stuff online.. seeing this https://www.reddit.com/r/RoleReversal/comments/17xfnhx/daydreams_of_being_able_to_pick_my_partner_up/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3 really ruined my day when i saw it…

Maybe i should just bite the bullet and try to meet people irl.. as scary as it is and as clueless on what to do as i am. thing is i suck at talking face to face with people, im so fucking akward, and its hard for me to make conversation on normal topics. but i dont think an online relationship would be as good as a physical one, especially with how touch starved i am. Ideally wed meet online first and then go irl, but its rely hard to meet someone from nearby on the internet… besides D i guess

I should just jump off a fucking bridge shouldnt I? what the fuck am i even doing here? im just in college because i dont want to work, i probably wont be able to function as an adult when i graduate, I got no friends to enjoy life with and im sick of living under my parents roof but i wouldnt last a day outside of it…what the hell do i even do? all i want from life is happiness and for some reason i cant even have that, i dont even know if its socializing thatll help me. sometimes after leaving classes and having conversations with people im anxious to run off and be left alone, so if its not that what is? have deeper conversations? have more casual conversations? have conversations that arent school related? well i guess that could help, the one time i talked of a non school topic it was enjoyable. But its hard for me to do that as well, i cant initiate it because im scared of being annoying, sometimes when i crack a joke with my db group it falls really flat, which obviously doesnt mean i should stop making jokes overall, i should maybe just save them to a diferent audience, but my self esteem is already in the shit and this doesnt help, plus theres a really funny guy that for some reason i really want to try to be as funny as, maybe i just want to be as confident as him, it definetly wouldnt hurt to be a sad sack of shit that constantly pities himself.

Wow just realized i mentioned all the women that hurt me this year lol…well majorly hurt because i trusted them, ignoring the fucking findommers and the people that ignored me and the infamous we dont vibe based on the opening sentence you sent me. why did i go look at my fucking pathetic chat history, what is wrong with me, i know itd just make me more upset and i went to check anyway

I might repost my ad again when im 100% sure J has ghosted me since its been the most successful experiences ive had, even if they ended in hearbreak, maybe third times the charm. I should probably try to change it this time, its a miracle a shitty ad like mine caught any attention at all especially from 2 wonderfull girls like them. Ill just keep trying more femdom personals and stuff, though ive really lost a lot of motivation for trying to talk with people

Fuck me i spent an hour and a half writing this shit when i was suposed to be writing the db report, god i hate my useless ass

Entry 31

15/11/2023 17:22

well, it took 10 days but i got a hey sweetie while i was sleeping.. back to waiting i guess… I should move on, theres no world where we develop any sort of relationship, but its so hard. I really dont want to move on, shes the best person ive met in my search, i cant just drop her… but whats the point of staying if i have nothing to show for it..

and its not like i have anywhere to move on to. what am i gonna do? text 3 people and get ignored by them. ugh i dont even feel like messaging people, I used to like reading peoples profiles but i dont even feel like it anymore, all i can think is im either not good enough for them, or theyre not as good as J. I dont want anyone else… i just want to be with her. why did i have to be so unlucky with this, id rather she didnt text me today at all so i could slowly lose hope instead of just constantly hoping she doesnt forget about me.

maybe itll get better at some point though, she might just be busy with something rn and shell be more free soon… but she could at least text me every so often…im not even asking for it to be everyday. i just want to feel like she cares about me, but ever since i made the realization that i might be her bootycall its starting to become hard to believe she cares. That thought just wont leave my head. I was even planning on having someone text her and see if shed reply but she texted today so i cant really test it atm

god why did i have to send such a shitty message as well, just sending goddess!! like a desperate little shit. i just wanted to be happy with her, but i guess that was too much for me to ask for, but maybe shell text tonight…maybe…fuck…pls text me J

Entry 30

11/10/2023 8:13 Life really is about making mistakes huh I sent a question to heaven last night, and wouldnt you know it, she replies in like an hour. And when i send a follow up the next morning she replies in like 5 minutes… gotta love when the random internet artist reddit micro celebrety replies faster than the person you "have a relationship with". I dont even know if were in a relationship, all I have is her asking if im looking for somethinig long term and me giving a desperate yes and her being happy about it, but considering its been 2 weeks since that and weve barely talked i dont know if we can consider this a relationship. I wish i had the courage to open myself to her or to have a serious conversation with her, but im so scared of losing her. This is the furthest ive been with anyone in my months of searching and I dont want to lose it all to being a pathetic little shit, especially with her, shes the sweetest person ive met and im the luckiest fucker in the world that she chose me to talk with out of the dozens of desperate subs in that subreddit. I just wish I could talk to her more… and not have to wait… fuck, I just looked it up and its been 5 days… she really is fucking with me… shes just testing me, seeing how desperate i am… increasing the waiting time… she doesnt want to see me anymore does she…maybe shell text today…and ill get that videocall… hopefully that makes me feel better Oh boy.. theres software to track activity on telegram, and of course like the weirdo I am I just had to use it and breach her fucking privacy… ok nvm it needs money

Ugh fuck apparently last seen recently means she was online up to 2-3 days ago… she has been avoiding me… she was online…and she didnt answer me… she doesnt care…fuckkk…maybe she was busy…but she could at least reply if she was online…damn it… its true isnt it, she doesnt care about me anymore…ugh i gotta go to fucking classes, cant wait to break down in public… i feel like ramming my head into a fucking wall…

pls talk to me J

Entry 28

07/11/2023 00:24

Well I got to talk to her yesterday.. but I dunno the dopamine doesnt last long, especially since the conversation wasnt that long and had an abrupt ending.. as usual

Is it too much to ask for a gotta go message? so at least i have some peace of mind? maybe it was urgent, i shouldnt just demand stuff out of her.

I am getting a bit scared of this pattern though, 1 day without texting, then 3 then 4.. Is she bored of me? is she just doing the same as D and feigning interest to be nice? No she wouldnt, she cares way too much to be just faking it.. but why is she texting less and less… why is the waiting period increasing more and more, im scared it grows too large, of not being able to handle too long without seeing her, i was already miserable at 4 days, whatll happen with a week, or 2, or a month… maybe itll stay like this, and ill be able to last for that long better, even if i miss her.

But i guess enough about her… I have a report for a project that I have to partially do.. which sucks as usual…… fuck i cant do this.. i cant stop thinking about her, I got a pair of pictures of her and shes so fucking pretty. I really wanna have a videocall.. not even that I really want some physical touch, I just want some confort, to be able to vent to her, well this i might be able to do when the opportunity arises, but still, i wish I could grow closer to her, but its a bit hard since we talk so little now and the 9000km distance between us. Fuck just thinking about when she texted me in class, feeling like someone cared about me, it feels like such a distant memory now even though it was 2 weeks ago, her being happy i got off earlier and telling me to go to the bathroom to do lewd stuff……shes not just using me for sexting right?.. great another thing to be anxious about….fuck but it might be true…she mentioned she could talk later yesterday but stopped talking after 2 hours and never got back.. fuck im just a fucking bootycall arent i.. fuck why did i have to think of this fuck i cant believe it nonnononononono please no i was staring to trust her pls let me be happy with her i dont want this pls dont do this to me fuck why did i have to think of this fuck i cant handle this fuck pls no

dammit this is matching fucking everthing. the big fucking pauses, not reading my bio and now this.. i cant believe it. its true isnt it… fuck me….this is what i get for procrastinating on that stupid report, another source of anxiety…..pls come back J.. i miss you

Entry 28

4/11/2023 18:21 I miss her so much, how can i have become so dependent on someone i just met, its been 2 weeks since we started talking and weve only really talked for a week cause this week weve barely talked to each other. While rereading texts I saw that she said she works in the medical field.. what if shes making time for me in her extremely busy schedule, what if this will be the rate we talk at forever? what if when we started she was on vacation or something and now this is her default forever… I really have the shittiest luck with love huh… this is all assuming shes being truthfull, which is what scares me the most. That shes just fucking with me or that shes bored of me and cant be bothered to tell me…

I cant even look at the word goddess without thinking about her. What a terrible time to be playing botw. I feel like im barely getting enjoyment out of life anymore, im just waiting for her and waiting for her and waiting for her. Can i even sustain this? should i be the one that lets go of the opportunity of a lifetime? ugh what am i saying, i just gotta hold on until i get that videocall, that will make me trust her more hopefully… or make me want to be with her more… maybe i should quit while im ahead… and not worsen the damage… goddamnit i gotta stop with the negativity, it will get better, i just have to wait, maybe someone quit at her hospital and shes doing extra hours or someones on leave or something else. she will return at some point i just need patience and to hang on for as long as i can.

fuck why am i trying to find her online, am i seriously trying to stalk someone i just met because i miss her wtf is wrong with me i just have to wait..more..she will get back to me, i just need to trust her, i just need to have faith in her, i just need to survive a bit longer, i just have to believe that it will get better…

Entry 27

2-11-2023 15:35 I miss her so much. I think i might have found the perfect person for me, she's really kind and likes to praise me instead of degrading me, she keeps calling me handsome which feels really nice.. even if i dont believe her. Damn just rereading old texts already made me tear up I cant believe Im already forgetting how she texts and stuff, I really fucking miss her but she's really busy, I've had to wait 3 days just for a reply, and my anxiety really isnt helping with this, because I still don't trust her 100% and I honestly don't think I could handle it if she got sick of me.. and why wouldnt she, I cant even stay with just her.. I was still talking to other doms cause I was still in the "ready to move on when she asks for money/ghosts cause am ugly" mode but its not an excuse, im gonna stop doing that shit, I got lucky do be able to leave early out of 2 chaster locks which has to be a sign, I have to be good to her if i want to stay with her. Now all im missing is following the abstinence rule.. She has agreed to a video call when I derserve it and when she's free but considering I so much of a piece of shit I cant even abstain for her and the last time we talked at night was a week ago it might take a while. I really fucking hope it comes soon, I really hope I get the same dopamine boost I had when I had the video call with D… fuck that was 6 months ago.. I really havent had anything nice happen love wise in 6 months… but.. its gonna change right?… I hope so……..please answer me J

Entry 26

23-10-23 13:50

God I really like the new girl I've been talking to, she's so nice as opposed all the other degrading doms.. a bit too nice honestly, kind of in the suspicious scammer region. And besides that she instantly wanted to change platform and asked me stuff that was on my post.

But fuck she's so nice, I'm really liking talking to her and im starting to get hopeful this might be the one. But im still so scared, I dont think I could handle it if she fucked me over, I don'tknow what I'd do, which is why im still so scared of trusting. I guess I'll just have to wait out the week or even the month until I can start trusting her, she did flat out say she doesnt want money but I still feel iffy about it. But fuck it feels so nice to be complimented, everytime I give her a video of me she compliments me it feels so fucking nice but I still have that gut feeling that she might just be fucking with me, how could she think im hot, how can she think my fugly mug is cute she has to be just saying it, she wouldnt just say something like that with literally every video I send her right? Fucking findoms completely destroyed all trust I had on people, I hope it gets better, I hope all further diary entries are just I trust her more until I cease writing about being sad, I hope I'll be able to have honest conversations with her and just be happy with her as a friend and a dom, fuck I dont want it to end.

Entry 25

21-10-2023 16:51

God what is wrong with me. All i wanted was to do a good action I saw an artist that was complaining about not getting a lot of attention and tried to make her feel better with some comments. But i keep telling myself i did it because shes a girl and I'm just thinking about getting my dick wet and shes asexual so its even more disgusting of me to think that. Spent the whole night in this goddamn cycle. I also figured out how to cum in the cage so thats definitely not helpful in making me stay fateful with chastity. And worse is that I got a reply on my post and my stupid little dream fantasy is telling me that its her in an alt account because she liked my comments and now wants to be with me. And because of all this bullshit I cant get any work done, its been like this the whole month, I cant work for shit for some reason, its even worse than before cause at least id get some work done. I have like 3 projects to do already and I keep fucking wasting time, goddamit.

I don't think I can get my masters at this rate.. With all the bullshit in joining and now I cant even get work done I might be seriously screwed. All these years of never failing a class but getting lower and lower grades might end up with me finally fucking up on my masters, fuck even writing this is just me procrastinating I gotta stop this shit

Entry 24

15/10/2023 15:51

God fucking dammit i knew this was gonna fucking happen, wtf is wrong with me for thinking she didnt want money, she literally said she wants "appreciation" wtf was i expecting. She went straight for a 50 bucks steam gift card, maybe she even guessed i cant spend money online, im a fucking dumbass gullible piece of shit.

And the worst part is that I haven't learned my fucking lesson and im immeadiatly talking to someone else, I did ask from the start is she wants money this time and she said no but who the fuck am i kidding its just another person stalking the chaster server looking for gullible victims, she was one of 2 people that texted me as soon as i linked my account and got the wearer role they obviously just want fucking money its all everyone wants I cant trust anyone for shit in this stupid fucking world, why did I have to be born like this, a desperate loser who cant talk to people and has to rely on online interactions

at least the broken heart bit wasnt as bas as i thought id be yippy

Entry 23

14/10/2023 23:08

Felt the need for a new entry because of something that happened. I got a task from goddess to write 5 things I love about myself and its making me feel things. Im starting to trust her more, I dont think someone after money would make a task like that but my stupid brain wont let its guard down. As stated before who cares if she ends up breaking my heart in like a week, i'd at least enjoy some time being happy about things, but im gonna try something that'll hopefully help. When I deliver this task im gonna ask her for a (video)call, just some direct comunication of any kind, I remember with D how happy I was to have that call with her and hopefully I'll be able to recreate that hapiness and obsession with her. Problem is if she refuses, she already strongly denied it once before but she said checks conversation I'd have to earn a video call, voice call and a photo, hmm.. ok maybe I should start asking for a photo, 1 week should be enough right? And maybe at the end of locktober I'll get to ask for something else we'll see

But yeah a couple days ago I had another depressive episode because as I predicted on day 1 having someone didn't just automatically make me happy. Yeah shes a bit more serious than Id like but I should be happy to have finally found a dom that doesnt ask for money but I guess my standards werent low enough if im still being this picky.

Lets hope for the best I guess