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Important rules/tips I've learned as an adult that helped with anxiety
If people are mad at you, it's their responsibility to tell you, not your responsibility to guess
If they're mad at you in secret anyways, they're the ones in the wrong, not you
If people don't like what you're doing, it's their responsibility to tell you
If they say it's fine when it's really not, they're the ones in the wrong, not you
People are allowed to be wrong about you
If they are wrong about you, wait for them to bring it up, because if you try to, you will inevitably overcorrect
Some people are committed to misunderstanding you. You will not win arguments against them. Yes, even if you explain your point of view. They do not care. Drop it
The worst thing that will happen from a first-time offense is being told not to do it again. Maybe with a replacement if you broke something
You can improve relationships and gauge willingness to talk to you by giving compliments. It's like a daily log-in bonus and nobody thinks twice about it
Most things are better after you sleep on them
Most things are better after you have a meal
Most things are better after you shower
Your brain makes up consequences that are irrational. If the worst DOES come to pass and someone acts like they do in your head, they are overreacting, and you are entitled to say "what the fuck"
If your chest hurts after you feel like you've made a social error, that's called rejection-sensitive dysphoria. It means your anxiety is so bad that it's causing you physical pain, which is a good indicator that you're overreacting. Tense yourself, hold it for 20 seconds, let it go, then find a distraction
If you're suddenly angry at someone after you feel like you made a social error, that's also rejection-sensitive dysphoria. You are going to feel annoyed about it for awhile, but being genuinely pissed off is your anxiety trying to find something to blame to take the responsibility off your shoulders, and getting scared because it can't justify itself. Deep breaths, ask yourself how much you ACTUALLY want to be angry at that person, then find a distraction
"Sour grapes" is more healthy for you than stewing. Deciding you don't like someone who's perpetually annoyed with you, won't talk to you, etc. makes letting go of anxiety over them easier
If people don't like you, they will find reasons to be annoyed with you when they otherwise wouldn't. If people do like you, they will find reasons NOT to be annoyed with you when they otherwise would. People do not ping-pong between the two
You DO have to make a conscious choice not to think about something. If you're having trouble circling back to it, say out loud that you're done thinking about it and why. Then find a distraction
When you're upset, part of you is going to want to make false bids for attention (suddenly texting differently, heavy sighs, etc. but when someone asks you about it, you tell them it's nothing). Do not listen to it. You gain nothing from it except more misery
People like to help people they care about. It makes them feel good about themselves
If you think you're insufferable for needing help, see above. Yes, really. They get a serotonin kick from it
If you think you're insufferable for mannerisms you have, you either have to consciously choose not to do them, or accept that they're part of the package that comes with you. Being apologetic about existing does nothing except make you more miserable
If you do things you don't like when you feel meh about it, it makes it easier to do them when you hate it
If you avoid things you don't like when you feel meh about it, it reinforces and magnifies how bad it feels when you hate it
Seriously. Read those last two points again. If you can make yourself make a phone call when you've got nothing to lose, you will slowly lose that panic you get when you have to make a phone call you haven't prepared for. You do have to CONSCIOUSLY take that step
Hobbies that make you care for something get rid of that nagging feeling that you're not doing enough. Go grow some rosemary
If you don't engage with your hobbies regularly, you will feel miserable, and anxiety will spike
Hobbies are things that give you a bit of happiness. They do not have to be organized or named to do that. Go be creative in something. Play with coins. Make up lists. Start a new WIP
No one cares what you look like
If people point out things they don't like about how you look unprompted, they are being rude. You are entitled to say "what the fuck"
People who like you will find you pretty to some degree. Minor things about your appearance go completely unnoticed. Literally, scars and dots and blemishes do not register to someone who likes your company
You looking at yourself in the mirror is 10x more closely than anyone is going to look at you
If you're anxious about your body type, and you're creatively inclined, make/write an oc with that same shape. Give them nice things and make other characters love them. Put them on adventures. You'll start to see yourself in the mirror more kindly
You care about wording and perfect lines/colors way more than anyone who views your work ever will
Sometimes when you're upset, you're going to feel like not eating. Do not do that. Not eating makes you more miserable
Same with things you normally enjoy. Denying yourself helps no one. You are punishing yourself for being sad. Stop it
Both of these will take conscious decision to break the habit of. Make yourself do it anyways, and it will slowly get easier
And again, to reiterate: If someone is mad at you, it is THEIR responsibility to tell you, not your responsibility to guess
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gritting my teeth. I do not need to be the person my parents want me to be. I am allowed to be my own person. I am allowed to disappoint them. I am allowed to choose not to follow their advice. the world will not end if my parents disagree with me about what is best for me and my life
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man this year is gonna be the year i either die or become someone else i dont know which one maybe both
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“Okay. I have these feelings. And they’re big feelings. But I can sit with them. I don’t need to act on them.”
Thinking that when needed has made a difference for me. The realization that I am in control and even if I can’t control my feelings, I can control how I react to them was really helpful to me.
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hi i just wanted to tell you you're valid for feeling the way you do. you don't need justification for any type of emotion you experience. justification for your feelings is an inherent thing--it presupposes the feelings themselves. you don't need to be validated for feeling a certain way. you simply are valid regardless of what it is. if it matters to you, it matters. that's all.
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I think I would be better off if I could stop automatically responding to my sadness with analysis and start giving myself space to just feel it.
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idk what traumatized or mentally ill person needs to hear this but dreams (especially the really disturbing ones you dont want to talk about to anybody) arent some deep peek into your psyche or a sign of your True Desires or whatever theyre quite literally your brain making fruit salad with whatever it can find on the shelf. just putting all that shit in a blender and hitting obliterate. its fine, youre fine, youre not a weirdo for it
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“I hope that someday, somebody wants to hold you for twenty minutes straight, and that’s all they do. They don’t pull away. They don’t look at your face. They don’t try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms, without an ounce of selfishness in it.”
— Unknown
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BPD culture is wanting to headcanon characters with bpd because why not. but at the same time feeling bad for doing that to them
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Tips for Cluster B Anger
~ coming from someone who has BPD and a psychology special interest
Have you been feeling like your anger is completely uncontrollable and all encompassing? Do you feel like your anger controls you more than you control it? Me too! But here are some things I've found to be helpful:
- Taking notes. Write down triggers for what causes your anger episodes (as well as other episodes e.g sadness or paranoia) once you come down from it and start looking for a pattern. Not only will this help you to slow down and self reflect, you can begin to either avoid those triggers or find ways to regulate the effects.
- SLOW DOWN. If something is making you want to hurt someone else or yourself, slow the FUCK down. Push against the grain, step back and let yourself have a good cry or scream into a pillow. Do whatever you can to (healthily) process the emotions, no matter how long it takes, before making major decisions.
- Avoid self harm, substances or unhealthy habits like disordered eating or emotional self harm. It's so tempting, believe me, but it will only serve to make things worse. You might feel like you want it to get worse now, but in the future, you WILL regret it. If you start feeling these urges, refer to the urge surfing diagram below this.
- Get outside advice. Think you're splitting but you can't tell? Run the situation by a close friend or loved one and see how they feel about it. Try to relay it with as little bias as possible and see if they agree with the decision you're about to make or if you perhaps need to reevaluate some things.
- Take care of your heart. I know this is cliche, but a good sleep schedule, hearty food consumption habits, hydration, exercise routine and mental health care go a long way in helping you succeed in the above tips. You are struggling with an illness, and ill people need as much care as possible. Become your own parent.
This works for anger in all Cluster B personality disorders, as well as with autism spectrum disorders!
Urge surfing:
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"I want someone to love me like I love" I say as if that wouldn't be very dangerous and damaging to my psyche
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looking at other people with bpd is so difficult because on one hand, what you’re doing is not healthy and you need to find a better coping skill, and on the other, that’s also me and i’ve definitely done that shit before so who am i to judge
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hi, i’m in the first healthy long term relationship and i would like to ask for advice
1. how to deal with jealous/ possessive urges/ thoughts ? i’ve never shown them and inwardly felt shame for them because i used to in past relationships and i know it’s wrong.
2. how to deal with no inappropriate outbursts of over sharing and making partner uncomfortable/ annoying them for attention ?
Hi anon,
I feel like both of these points are something I handle in my relationship with one thing - communication.
My partner is aware of my BPD and my feelings. I usually try to self soothe when dealing with irrational thoughts and feelings before going to him, but he is there if I need him.
Jealousy itself is not bad, and I talk to him when I'm feeling that way. There's actually a recent real life example of this him and I have had.
He kept talking to me about his co-worker, and how much she was like me and all this stuff. They spend more time together than him and I do because he works so much, and I felt jealous and insecure. I tried to deal with my feelings on my own, but they kept growing and at that point, it would have been more destructive to ignore them because they could explode out in other ways.
I asked to talk to him about it, and explained that he hadn't done anything wrong, but my brain was being irrational and I was feeling jealous. He was able to give me reassurance about my place with him and how much he cared about me. And honestly, just talking about the feelings with him made them better. It took the weight off and I feel lighter. I still feel a little bit jealous but it's manageable.
What would not have been okay in this situation would be to demand he not talk to her or honestly make any demands of him about this because my feelings are my responsibility. But asking and approaching him in a healthy way allowed him to be there for me and help me through it.
The main motivating factor for me to not give into those urges is knowing that the end result is hurting the ones I care about, and usually results in ruined relationships.
I find the Wise Mind skill useful for dealing with emotions like this.
I also sometimes use the ACCEPTS skill.
When it comes to oversharing, that one is hard for me since my partner and I don't have a level that is "oversharing." I suggest talking to yours about what their boundaries might be. When it comes to needing attention though, I wrote a post that I think applies. I try to self soothe if I can, but if I can't, I will ask for attention in a healthy way because it is okay to need attention. There are healthy ways to go about asking for attention.
I'm sorry I rambled so much, but I'm so happy that you've found a healthy relationship
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They may have been a bad chapter in your life (possibly many) but they don’t get to decide your ending.
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When the week is over, make sure you take some time off to drink a cup of tea, journal, talk to a friend, watch a favorite movie or listen to a favorite song.
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