bootlegmerchbird-blog - Tumblr blog

bootlegmerchbird-blog · 4 years

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Anorexic drug addict autistic tale of destruction.

Started a blog just cuz i needed to occupy time. I did so well for so long. All the way through high school and college without developing any kind of chemical dependency. I had a 3.6 gpa in bio from a UC and worked in 2 labs. Things have gone screaming downhill since then. Started working in a grocery store and using benzodiazepines because I guess.. i know what i really wanted was to be loved and not be lonely. My brain manifested that into a need to be skinny.

I got what i thought i wanted. I got really skinny. 80lb. Went into a moshpit and sprained both wrists, ankles, neck, and back. No amount of physical therapy was affective. My body was incapable of healing so I asked to go home. But I coudnt stop drinking heavy and was placed in a psych ward within 2 weeks. After that PHP long story short I was forced to gain 40-50lb.

Relapsed on benzos again soon after. Couldnt handle my new body.

Pysch ward, rehab, relapse, suicide attempt #2, woke up in another psych ward, lied my way out, rehab.

Got a nice room, RELAPSE. burned it down immediately. Went into a detox center that was worse than jail (yeah. ive been to jail for public intoxication) 4 days there. sober living environment. New job. Woke up to a phone call telling me someone I was in love with was dead. everyone says it was an accidental OD but I know in my heart and soul it was not. He commited suicide. was immediately devistated and blindsighted.

This is all on me. I want to die every day. I used to experience joy often but I have also always possed a deep sadness and angst.

I take full responsibility because obviously its no ones fault but my own. On the other hand, although its all internal, I dont feel that I have any control over it what so ever.

I suck, Im sad. Other people have it worse but I would rather not exist.

BootlegMerchBird out.

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