I just wanna drink myself away. This is too much.

5:27 AM

As I'm writing this my body is in fight or flight mode. Nothing happened, my mind is just playing tricks on me. It's been doing this all day. It feels so real. Paired up with this unforgiving sadness I'm feeling, I don't stand a chance. I can't help but wonder if I'll ever be able to breathe again. I've been under water for far too long. Not even these words can explain how deep these feelings are. How do I make it better if i can't even explain if myself? I just wish it would stop.

I don't think anyone understands what I'm going through

“Everyday, suicide moves higher on my list of ways to solve all of my problems”

-Thoughts I’ll never speak out loud

Happy baby-

*WIGGLES*

*KICKY FEET*

*JUMPING*

*SINGING*

*GIGGLES*

Needy baby-

*GRABBY HANDS*

*TUGS AT SHIRT*

*STARE DOWN*

*BEGGING*

Sleepy baby-

“I’m not tired!!”

*EXTRA CUDDLY*

*WHINING*

*YAWNS*

Needed a space for my thoughts

My ex hit me about 2 months ago right in the nose and I got Bell's palsy from it. This is after a year of mind games and abuse. I waited 3 days to report it. I had tried to get him to admit it through text and then got scared and prentended like it didn't actually happen and now his family doesn't have the truth. If they would just ask the reasoning behind the text and why I was so paranoid he'd kill me for even mentioning it. Now there's a restraining order and it's going to trial but his family is harassing me. His brother vandalized my truck while I was at work the other night. I just can't shake the feeling they're gonna come after me and I gonna end up dead. Im having nightmares every night and it's consuming me. I should have kept my fucking mouth shut. This is all my fault. I'm literally drowning in my mind and i can't do anything about it.

I just wanna keep taking pills until I can’t anymore… Like until I literally can’t because I’ll be dead… Jesus christ, I just wanna fuckin’ die.

Thoughts I’ll never speak out loud

„It was over for you when my body no longer pleased you, when you no longer saw me as beautiful and sexy as you once described me, when you got tired of seeing my body naked so you found other bodies that were better than mine.“

“And the sad part is, I was getting better. And now I’m not.”

me: *feels lonely and wants new friends*

also me: *ignores every message and avoids talking to people*

“I don’t know why I expected you to let me know when you shifted. Our steps never really matched all that much, even if I convinced myself that we were on the same page. I let myself believe that you meant it when you called me dear. I told myself that the way I made you smile meant that I had touched you in a way that was special. I thought that maybe we were both lifting ourselves out of isolation using each other’s hands. Was it really all in my head?”