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Cats Riding a Slidey Death
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There is a great pain in my neck that doesn’t leave me. It’s what I have come attached to. It’s all I’ve had for 13 years. It connects to my shoulder and it does not let me breathe, for it’s also connected to the injury on my clavicle and ribs. All on the left side. Feminine. Delicate and weak. I learned how to help these injuries feel better. I learned to heal. The pain remains. I have mobility and can still use my arms, but the pain increases day by day.
Waking up takes 2 hours because my spine is also connected to the pain, and the left hip… you guessed it. Pain.
All that physical pain is nothing compared to the pain in my heart.
To have so much love for the humans I created out of my own blood, and not be able to hug y’all or kiss you has taken a toll that I can’t keep carrying on.
I’ve forgotten what true love and joy feels like without you two around.
I’m sorry I entertained love in men. It felt like the one way I could access love, after such great loss. I tried to practice tending to someone’s needs until I got you back.
All my traumas and wounds flared up. I tried to protect you and keep you away from it all.
I failed. It’s the world.
I’m sorry I wasn’t enough. It was always a matter of time. I found a way to beat the clock.
I’m sorry. My love was always real.
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I stand in silence about many topics, for respect to privacy, and an unwillingness to be outwardly self righteous.
No thank you. I rather keep that to myself.
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When I asked if I was a ghost, I was told, maybe we all are. We are Energy and it cannot be destroyed… but time exists in frequencies and we get to tap into different levels of consciousness based on our particular frequency.
I was deemed a lost soul. Then, corrected to—a soul finding its way. Not much of a difference.
La Llorona sounds about right lmao
Ay mis hijos 🥴
😭
V.E. Schwab, The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue
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Oh dang
Turning down the ability to have a third child with all things provided to me for it feels off. I wish I had this offering for the first two. It’s two men as well. I’ve been told to freeze my eggs. There’s something about my bloodline that makes men want to “breed” me.
My daughters should know, this is the effect we have on this earthly plane
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I found it a much better solution to write my heart out than to try and convince anyone of anything.
I hope the world is ready for me. I’m ready for the world.
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Today, I played gears of war. I am no good at it but know how to clear a room and how to run with a gun irl. I guess my friend wants to see how it would go down, but my hand eye coordination in a video game has been shit my whole life.
It felt good saying that video games have not been a priority, cause 1. I suck and it explains it, 2, it highlights the strengths I do have because I invested my time in those other things, instead of video games.
I kinda want to practice so I can release anger in that way and also train on strategy with a war partner. 😎
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The house comes with 7 dogs and one cat, a garden in the front with mint and other fruits, and a huge back yard with a pool, jacuzzi and fire pit. The back also has space for a compost pile and our chicken coop. It’s in the works.
I am able to buy a cat wet food again.
So my baby ate. He’s just about Zeus’s age when I lost him. He’s just as big and let’s me hold him.
Not as sassy, but real talkative and hungry.
My heart melts and slowly has started claiming him.
🥭
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Nothing more than what I got last night is what I want out of men.
Long week and it was only Monday.
3 hours of sleep after work, meetings and class.
I got to eat with Libra & later, on the same night, friend warmed up the food his mom left for us. He served me and wrapped trees in hemp sheets.
Restaurant grade and the men care.
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I was asked to make them the last person I love. (Not equally reciprocated. No legal binding.)
I’ll pass, but even if I was asked to be married, it would be the third person I pass up this year. 24.
I cannot.
I know it’s what I want, but I am not ready and I do not want to start settling down.
I can start building and settle down in that way, but my heart and spirit remain free and open for the love of my life who will come when I’m 50.
Build at home.
Help them grow. Help yourself while you’re at it.
Everyone can win and everyone can be loved, in their own capacity.
I’m happy to have gotten to a place where they can see my value. I’m not perfect and I’ve also been coached in the last few weeks not to live do too much.
Relaxing is also a way to get work done, later.
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I played video games today. I sucked.
I am not gloating, just amused at the contradictions found in life when we are in control of our mind.
Sovereign, in the midst of chaos, cause life tumbled me smooth with the traumas and adversity needed to survive anything else, gracefully.
How many times have I been led towards a relationship in the last 48 hours?
By how many?
Which of them are competing? Betting?
I move according to whom I want to win the bet that week.
I take no one up on their offer so they all
Lose their bets in this race.
I am in a relationship with my self.
My boys teach me how to have fun in ways that friends do when they remember they can’t catch air..
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Clarice Lispector, tr. by Elizabeth Lowe, Água Viva
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Paul Celan, from a poem titled "Afternoon with Circus and Citadel," featured in Selected Poems & Prose
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He thinks he has two girlfriends, but in reality he has one friend and the girl that was convinced, by my presence, that he’s good enough to give the time of day. ;)
He knows that too. The wing (wo)man he didn’t know he needed.
Realizing that this is the deal we’ve been drafting, manifested in real time, relived pressure he’d built up all in his head.
Can’t break a broken heart. I don’t care. I’ve got plans.
The realization gave way to honesty, which is all I had asked of him.
We laughed and reveled in the fact that we are perfect for one another if this is accepted by both. It is.
“Aww friend, I’m so happy you’re in my life. I’ve got my own piece of heaven with you.”
This is what I call True Love. Friendship that works and makes you feel good, through the uncomfortable conversations, peace delivered by way of honesty.
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