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bojackhoremanisacomfortshow · 3 years

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Saying Goodbye thank you for being a chapter in my life

but I miss you or the memory of you I think ?

and I miss the future you made me believe existed

I cant fucking believe I trusted you when you said you loved me

God was I blind

I considered you a brother

I should’ve suspected you when you first asked if we could be fuck buddies at 20, even though you had a girlfriend at the time

But I ignored it because you actually gave two shits, called me on your way home from work and talked me out of self harming, and you didn't treat me as lesser then because of what was going on with me, instead you brought me homemade fucking cream and applied it to my raw bleeding arm while proceeding to wrap it with gauze and tape, while saying that he wants to help me make sure that this dosnet happen again.

But as most things are, they are not what they seem

I should've noticed when you started to tell me your relationship problems and the more you opened up about your relationship the more you started to make comments towards me. But we were friends and friends are supposed to help and talk to each other about again for christ sake I called him my brother, which he then told me not to call him, I would find out why later, but you started talking more and more about how you thought your relationship wasn't healthy and that she wasn't ‘doing it for you anymore’ but I just told you that you should talk to her because you both deserved to be happy and in a healthy relationship, his girlfriend seems like a great person, my sister knew her, and I honestly feel bad for any part I had in this but I was a naive sophomore and he was a senior going through it I think, he did have his own shit.

And I began trusting him more, I mean he came and got me when my loved one was going through a family crisis. He actually found out before me and came right to me and told me, and he was there, every step, and sat with me and comforted my loved one with me, they were ‘friends’ too. The little things like that made me trust him and my trust develops into love, he saw me sitting there freaking out, with my shaking hands barley grasping at colored pencils while I tried to take my anxieties out on a sun shaped coloring sheet. And when you saw me give up with the pencils and began to dig and scratch my nails into my skin, you quietly, but forcefully stopped my hands from destroying myself and told me it was okay and that if I needed to squeeze something, to grip yours. The security you brought me was undeniable, finally I had stability and protection in my life, a safe person. And when we were walking back, even though you were late you insisted on walking me back. On the walk back you knew that I was upset, because you could read me, I shared more of my soul with you than anyone I ever had before. Like adult shit type feelings here, but another red flag! You came right back into my life the minute I broke up with my ex of almost a year... and I hadn't heard from you in almost a year. And while you knew I was upset you stopped me and said, ‘hey it’s gonna be okay, whatever happens WE’LL take care of her,’ and I started to cry and you hugged me, and I felt safe. And you listened and gave a shit as I told you that I was afraid my loved one would make my same mistakes and end up in my shoes. And you just hugged me and said we’ll figure it out and god did I believe you.

And everything was good and I ignored the comments you made about something more, as we hung out and got food, because you wanted to make sure I ate and didn't have to go home right away to my dad. Until that breezy drizzly night in March.

You had convinced me to go rock climbing, something I would never do as I am really afraid of heights, like close my eyes on glass elevators type of scared. But I trusted you and you promised to catch me if I fall. Which you quite literally did when I was practicing on the monkey bars. I was nervous, admirably, but I was stepping out of my comfort zone and trying, and like you promised when I slipped you caught me and actually left a chalk handprint on my ass which we casually laughed off. We had fun and eventually just ended up talking, like we always did, we could literally talk for hours on end, I miss those conversations, and he decided that he was going to take me for sushi for my first time, which was also something I was timid of trying.

So we went and I actually loved it, so thank you for that. And afterwards we decided to go to the park and walk around, which we did and as it was drizzling our clothes become drenched with the secrets we shared as well as the precipitation from the sky. Eventually we decided to go into the back of the library and we warmed up next to a heater and sat next to one another, neither of us said anything as I realized he began to sit closer.

On the walk back to his car he saw I was shivering and insisted on giving me his sweatshirt because I was cold, even though I protested as I didn't want to take his things and said that he should instead wear it, but I lost that argument and on went his faded green hoodie.

Under the stars we talked in his car, and as we began to share things that we realized we had never shared before, and he suggested we move to the back seat. We continued talking and eventually I teared up and tried to hide it as we touched on a sensitive subject, but he of course knew and told me to ‘come here’ as he proceded to embrace me.

We didn't say much but eventually I realized I should get home, but not before you took a cursory look at my lips. But we both looked away and you drove me home and he said he would text me when he got home.

That night when you got home you told me how you wish you had fucked me in you backseat and that you had more then enough room, which was true, but I admired I thought the same thing but I told him it was good we didn't and that he needed to figure things out in his relationship.

And you told me you would, and I assumed you did, and we still talked and hung out, and I began to feel bad about being a ‘homewrekcer’

But you told me we weren't doing anything wrong and I believed you. Or at least I used to. Quite frankly it took a considerable amount of time for me to remove my rose colored glasses

As we always did you called me that night and we snapped and talked about our days. I had said I had a rough one which was evident as I was drunk on the phone and he knew I had been drinking. After we talked and he asked why I was drinking I realized the conversation started to take a turn.

You began to bring up more explicit content and began to say how you know that I never send nudes but was wondering if I would try for him. I mean after all it was just him right, and I trusted him, and it was no big deal, and he wouldn't tell anyone. And I told him no, and no again until he understood, and I laughed it off as I decided this warranted some more liquor as I got off the phone with him. I was also on prozac at the time, and let me say I don't recommend drinking with your meds.

Thinking I could just enjoy my music and the drunk snacks I had I get a snap from you, asking again, and this time you begin to tell me how it isn't a big deal and you’ve seen loads of your friends boobs before. I hate myself for giving in but I decided to send him a few pictures from my eyes only, no nudes but pictures I didn't show anyone, except my friends for when we occasionally give each other tips on taking seductive photos. Just a typical Friday night am I right?

So I sent them, and you were happy and we hung out the next day. You didn't know it but I felt extremely guilty and thought I had ruined our friendship and that we shouldn't see each other again especially because of his girlfriend.

But we hung out and I profusely apologized and ya know what he said, he touched my arm and went its okay its not your fault, it was a one time thing and I asked and kept asking. If if was anyones fault it was mine. He reassured me it was not a big deal and my naive daddy issues ass went along with it.

I told him he should tell his girlfriend and he just reassured me that it would only make things worse and that he was still finding the time to talk to her.

On the car ride home you began talking about what would happen in a ‘different life’ or maybe even in a year or two. He was sticking around and going to a local college and he began telling me of all the fun things he had planned for us to do over the summer. I planned to show him all my special spots in the woods and my first time taking shrooms was gonna be with him, and it would’ve been his first time too.

It was a common occurrence for him to say he loved me and for me to love him back, he considered me one of his closest friends and we continued talking daily, we were each others number one on snap for months, not that it really means anything but he did say he began checking his phone more because he hoped that I would have messaged him. I should’ve realized that our situation ship was bad when before he even starting making advances he randomly got considerably angry at a guy who had made a comment about me.

This may be ‘good friend’ behavior but he knew I was single and flirting with people, as I had just recently broken up with my ex, not saying the guys comment was justified because it wasn't I was not trying to hook up just talk to more people, but what can you do that's high school boys.

The story I got was that this guy said to him that he was ‘getting bored of his girl’ and ‘was thinking of smashing me’. My ‘first love’ got as I heard ‘really really angry’ and began venting to his friends about how ‘it was ridiculous he would even say that, as if he had a chance, he was talking about you like a piece of meat’ needless to say he was less then happy about that, which okay not a huge thing just kinda protective which can be nice sometimes.

But in hindsight, he would make an attempt to prelude me from other guys and used to give me offhand comments if I ever mentioned I was talking to someone.

Eventually he did break up with his girlfriend for a day, and in a melancholy way I was happy because I thought it meant you had finally told your girlfriend and I could stop carrying the guilt of what happen around.

But of course you didn't.

You, didn't say anything to me for a day, and then told me that you went back to her and made a promise to be better because this is the last time she is going to go through ‘this’ with him.

I asked him if he had told her the truth, and distinctly told him that, ‘she deserves to know the truth, she is a good person, and if getting together makes you guys happy good, but she deserves a relationship not built on lies’

He responded that his girlfriend had ‘trust issues’ and telling her would just make things worse.

Yeah no shit she has trust issues you jerk

I said that I can't force him to do anything and took some space, as I felt weird about the whole thing. Later that night my friend who I had not spoken to in a while checked up on me and asked me what was wrong.

I informed her of my situation and to my surprise she shared her own altercation with him. It wasn't to the extent of what happened between us but he had began talking to her when he had found out her boyfriend and her were on a break. She confessed that on a call when they were going to be talking about what was going on with her, he began pressuring her into sending nudes, and I’m sure using the same manipulative tendencies he used on me.

Looking back I know he did this to at least me and two other girls, and really I feel bad for his I believe still current girlfriend

So its been about a year since all this happened and I am finally in a place where I can begin to process some of the shit that has occurred in my life even if it’s a year late!

And I wish no mal intent on you, I’m sure you’ll never read this and god I hope you don't. But I always want to thank you for being my first love, even if I didn't know it at the time.

You were the first person to call be beautiful without being prompted and genuinely mean it. I felt beautiful that day. And for when you told me you began to drive safer when I was in the car with you, and how you used to call me on your way home from work each night.

Thank you for making me feel those things and showing me a safe place in a person can exist. I’ll never forget when you skipped your lunch period to come to mine and wrap my scabby ass arm for at least a week or two. (Again prozac and alcohol not a good combination) You also made sure I ate and encouraged me to take care of myself.

You showed me genuine care and made me believe that I am deserving of those things. Fuck yeah it was hard when we both ‘left’ after things got too weird. And yeah maybe I struggle sometimes but I’m learning.

I know I will always remember you in some way, just because I don’t think I’ll ever forget that genuine of a connection, but I am also only remembering the feelings of the rose but in nature roses have thorns, I can't pretend they don't.

I think the hardest part is not knowing which parts were real and which parts were fake. The second-guessing, the trust issues thing, but that's not all on you, I have work I need to do.

I’m kinda happy in a way to be able to get this all off my chest it’s been heavy and maybe this won't fix everything in my life rn but it’s giving me a place to feel.

If you could see me now you would probably laugh because you were right in some regards. I did become a complete stoner, so point you! It honest to god does help and I’m at a place where I am able to use it medicinally when needed. I also did end up piercing my nose! The gold hoop was a good suggestion but it honestly is the only one I could get in my nose, and I have acrylic nails now so I’m not fucking with it! I’m actually living back at my moms too, a lot of shit has changed and happened and I know I am a completely different person today then I was a year ago

Which is why I can say with no ill intent I thank the universe for bringing you into my life and letting you become a chapter with fun excerpts in my story. I have been moving forward in my story though and I know you have been too

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