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“did you hear about the titanic?!”
“you mean the titan?”
_______
“have you seen an imploded submarine?!”
“.... IN MOVIES!”
_______
“you know he hasn’t been cutting my hair short, maybe bc i’m an old man.”
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*poke “is there any lint?!”
“no! i didn’t put any lint in there!”
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“he’s thai!”
“how do you know?!”
“he was saying something about having to wait bc no one made reservations”
“you might know him! go say hi!!!! he’s prob your cousin!”
“no!!!” -.-
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“here’s your grapefruit green tea!”
“omg you got four?!”
“well, yes. i’m not here that often so of course i’m going to pick up extra!”
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“stop walking in the middle of the road! you’re just like that lady before driving the wrong way!”
“but i’ll see when cars are coming!!!”
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“my shorts are a little tight. these are the only two that fit.”
“LOL what don’t you have a lot of pairs of the same size?!”
“YES! but they don’t fit!!!!!!! plus i have less muffin in this one”
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“maybe i should have my birthday party over there” *points at daycare center*
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“do you want to go to the mall (across the st)”
“that mall?! there’s nothing in there!” *points to windows
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“why aren’t YOU wearing a mask?!”
“bc i’m drinking boba!!!!! :D”
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“OWWWWWWWWOWOWOW”
“what?! i’m not even pressing that hard!”
“i know!!!!!!”
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“do you know where you’re supposed to go for your global entry appt?”
“yes! terminal 4 and then there are supposed to be signs!!!!”
…
“wait where do we go for global entry?! i don’t see the signs!”
*walk walk walk* “it was here the last time i came for my appt! i’m going to go outside to smoke, call me when you’re done!”
…
“i’m by the exit where you said you were going to smoke but i don’t see you!!”
“wait i came back inside, i see you!!”
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“Say it before you run out of time. Say it before it’s too late. Say what you’re feeling. Waiting is a mistake.”
— Unknown
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We should meet in another life, we should meet in air, me and you.
Sylvia Plath
I exist in two places, here and where you are.
Margaret Atwood
Souls cross ages like clouds cross skies.
David Mitchell
I’m kissing you now—across the gap of a thousand years.
Marina Tsvetaeva
Come back! Even as a shadow, even as a dream.
Euripides (tr. Anne Carson)
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i hate small talk like jus say wtf u want so i can say no
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that’s some next level catering to a yt person. reasons will become more clear as we go along for the ride. esp hurtful bc of everything going on in the last year alone. twinkie never rang more true until this year.
one. around xmas 2020:
“whatre you doing for nye”
“oh im going out to a small gathering”
“oh with who?”
“I DONT HAVE TO TELL YOU”
“whoa. okay...”
i was just asking since he NEVER wanted to go out to anything related to NYE in the five years. the reply was always, “YOU can go, i will be at home.” so see how i can be confused? also the spanish/grapes tradition? what happened to never not doing it? “oh last year really sucked so i dont see how doing it will help” cop out.
two. NYE to ring in 2021:
“how does this look?”
“i think you should button it, looks more put together”
little did i know i was helping him dress to impress new girl. that in itself was just rude and so disrespectful to me. if you’re going to see someone new. figure it out yourself.
a few days later he decides to finally tell me bc he knows he’s been acting so damn weird. but i dont think it’s bc he respects me too much (his rationale). i actually think it’s bc he feels guilty, and telling me will make HIM feel better, which was the driving factor for the previous Oct when he was not letting me pay for packing supplies and helping me pack. “it’s time (for me to start dating again)... weren’t you dating someone when you asked me about the boat noodles?” “NO. i was talking to someone and it was ONE date, which conveniently fit in the schedule while on my way home.”
three. a week before my bday:
“how was your weekend? what did you do?”
“oh K and family drove down in an RV so i was at my parents’ house”
“you went over both days?!”
“yeah”
“did you take pics of the RV or with family?”
“no”
in retrospect, i wonder if she was intro’d to the whole family that weekend. esp after seeing the pics from first friends gathering a few weeks later (two down).
sometime this week, he tells me that he’s thinking of taking june 1 off bc he wants to take me out to lunch for my bday. my bday is 5/31. so i’m like huh, cos it’s the day after. it’s the weekend. he doesn’t like to talk to ppl on the weekend.
four. my birthday:
bcb calls me in the morning but i miss it bc i wasn’t up yet. i called back at 230p or so and he doens’t pick up. calls me back around 430p and says he was at a bbq with some friends.
i believe this was when my spidey senses started tingling again. i bit my tongue and didn’t ask during lunch the next day bc it would make for such an awkward ride home. and me thinking oh he spent my actual birthday with new girl. i see.
five. convo from last week:
“whatre you doing this weekend?”
“oh i’m getting together with the guys bc it’s the first time we’re seeing each other since the pandemic started”
“ohh okay tell them i said hi!”
BET HE DID NOT TELL THEM I SAID HI. *side eye
six. social media that night, pics happened to pop up as i was doom-scrolling:
bcb likes to untag himself in things so i duno if R tagged him at all or if it was removed after he received the tag notif so that i wouldn’t see it.
either way, i was hit in both places since it’s posted on more than one platform.
wasn’t sure if they were still dating until i saw the pics. was finally able to put a face to the name. the name bc someone mentioned it to me thinking i knew her first AND last name. how absurd. why would i know this bit of info to begin with? maybe bcb needs to be more clear with what he’s telling his sibling about his dating life and how that relates to how he’s treating me.
seven. thursday, 6/17:
convo #1: in the afternoon -
“hey whatre you doing friday?”
“i’m not sure yet, why?”
“i’m having lunch with a family friend, thinking i could stop by (before my family dinner) since i’ll be in the area.”
“oh i was thinking of going to my parents house but i haven’t decided yet.”
“oh, okay”
convo #2: on my way home from dinner in the city -
“did you decide if you’re going to your parents house tmrw?”
“i’m probably going to hang out with some friends”
“oh okay.”
realized “friends’ is codeword for new girl.
oddities in behavior:
bought a new bike even tho he won’t use the rowing machine he purchased last summer that is LITERALLY sitting in his apt, doesn’t even need to go outside and see ppl. how many more times will he use it? not sure. it depends on how much how big the drive in proving me wrong is for this sort of thing.
watches hockey now. NEVER watched it before nor was he super interested. seems like he picked it up recently so there’s something to talk about if nothing else. (after breaking his NYE tradition)
went to a playoff game on a WEEKDAY. HE NEVER did that. to DRIVE to LI on a weekday for that sort of thing. complained that the tix were exp ($200+ each). and i’m like then why did you get them? “well they’re for the playoffs” “oh i didnt think you even liked hockey” i’m going to guess he paid for it bc someone wanted to go, and a topic they can connect on.
for trips and tickets to things, i usually split down the line and exclude a trip dinner or a few smaller things bc he says he got it and would like to pay for it. not sure yt ppl would offer to pay back in general. it’s an asian thing to offer/not let others always cover no matter how generous we know them to be. it’s to “not take advantage” bc we know better. and it’s considered rude to have someone else pay all the time.
at this point, it’s the emotional part that i’m supplementing (if it’s a missing piece) bc i have no idea if hes ever talked to her in regards to concerns about his life in general or if he’s still putting up some facade and only wants her to see the presentable side.
he didnt do his usual NYE tradition of the grapes this year on top of GOING OUT to something with other ppl present. he would rather invite ppl over to his place and provide entertainment and food instead of ever going out there. that is MAJOR.i cannot even begin to explain how impt doing this is to him. but not doing it and bending over backwards already. he NEVER misses the grape thing during the countdown no matter how “bad” a year may be. it’s like him having to watch it’s a wonderful life before xmas every year. it’s a thing he does NOT miss.
maybe it’s a mid-life crisis thing, like buying the car and then sort of regretting it bc it’s another thing to pay for so therefore has to stay at his job longer. btw, there were weird crumbs in the crevices of the front passenger seat the day after my birthday (when he picked me up), and then the whole actually voluntarily hanging out with ppl for a change. he absolutely hates being around ppl, yet he’ll do it for her. i’m sensing a pattern here for how he treats and changes for yt girl vs me and i didn’t even plan that many outings with my own friends for him to go to, max once every half year for a triple date.
but again, it’s like when we broke up, he removes things he can control when he’s super stressed. job he cannot control so the next thing to remove was me bc he can control that. now he’s finally thinking of leaving current job bc he has a sufficient amount saved. guess who helped him itemize and estimate his sinking and emergency funds? such a clown.
i’m done. i can’t do this anymore. it’s taking a toll on my mental health. all this walking on egg shells all the time when we speak on the phone/FT on every single workday/weekday. what C said about the situation rings true. i hope it happens. <^>
this brings me back to something i posted on my finsta:
“if you have to choose between me and her, choose her. because if you really loved me, there wouldn’t be any other choice.”
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