bobbyonboard
We’ll Sing In The Sunshine
LeeAnn • 28 • East Coasta blog for things that make me happy
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me looking at richie angst thoughts that are developing in my brain a la illicit affairs
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oh shit i love richie jerimovich and i’m gonna start writing for him
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if richie jerimovich were your reformed scumbag boyfriend
the people have been banging on my front door, crying, screaming, begging for more carmy content. and i hear you, i do. but anyways, here's this instead x
If Richie Jerimovich were your reformed scumbag boyfriend, he would think you’re so smart. “Babe, you’re so smart,” he would say, all the time.
If Richie Jerimovich were your reformed scumbag boyfriend, he would be the worst gift-giver, and always get you really dumb, sometimes mean things, because he takes jokes too far. Even when he’d really try to be sincere, the gift would be impractical, or unnecessary, or just plain stupid, but he’d look at you with such love that you wouldn’t care anymore.
If Richie Jerimovich were your reformed scumbag boyfriend, he would be fully updated on all your petty gossip, all the time. “Ugh, this person on Twitter is GARBAGE and their Twitter is LITTER ON THE FACE OF THE INTERNET,” you’d tell him. The next time you mention them, he would be like, “Oh I remember, litter on the face of the internet, right? They always reply to your shit tryna argue and stuff? God, what’d they say this time?”
If Richie Jerimovich were your reformed scumbag boyfriend, he would constantly text you funny online videos with “LOLLLLLLLL” commentary.
If Richie Jerimovich were your reformed scumbag boyfriend, you would quickly accept that there’s a way everyone else spells something, and then there’s the way Richie spells it.
If Richie Jerimovich were your reformed scumbag boyfriend, when you and your mother fought, he’d lean against the wall and listen, arms crossed and face neutral but sympathetic, until finally he’d mouth, “Let me talk to her,” and reach out for the phone. You’d listen as he spoke with her – charming her pants off, as usual – until the two of them were laughing and swapping stories about you. Then he’d say, “Oh, no, she can’t come to the phone right now, she had some crazy hot wings earlier so she’s gonna be in the bathroom for a while.” You’d flip him off from the sidelines. “Of course I’ll tell her. Okay, you too, Joyce. Take care, now. Alright, buh-bye,” and then he’d hang up and grin at you.
If Richie Jerimovich were your reformed scumbag boyfriend, he would have no trouble outpacing your dirty mouth, spewing forth creative profanity with such impressive ease that you could do nothing but try to remember it for the next traffic jam.
If Richie Jerimovich were your reformed scumbag boyfriend, you would begin to feel about men in suits the same way you used to feel about men in grey sweatpants.
If Richie Jerimovich were your reformed scumbag boyfriend, he’d leave sticky notes with bad jokes on your refrigerator. Stuff like, 69ing is now called 96ing because inflation has made the cost of eating out skyrocket. “You threw my note away?” He’d ask each afternoon, feigning offense. “Yes,” you’d deadpan.
(But we both know that, if Richie Jerimovich were your reformed scumbag boyfriend, you’d have a little shoebox under your bed where you collected them all. He’d find the box one day, giving you a saucy look that would soon turn extremely sentimental once he lifted the lid to see stacks of sticky notes and not a vibrator. (“Where do you keep your vibrator, though, just so I know?”))
If Richie Jerimovich were your reformed scumbag boyfriend, he would order your latte using the dumb Starbucks lingo, even though you know he would much rather just go to the tiny independent coffee shop ten minutes out of the way instead of embarrassing you by arguing with the barista over the word “medium.”
If Richie Jerimovich were your reformed scumbag boyfriend, he would entertain your friends for hours, expertly mixing cocktails like a wise bartender during Prohibition and listening intently to their tales of workplace microaggressions and bad scones. He’d remember all their stupid coworkers, so, whenever they’d gripe again a week later, he’d go, “Ugh, fuckin’ Marie again with the late reports!” and your friends would kind of like him more than they like you.
If Richie Jerimovich were your reformed scumbag boyfriend, he would have no problem apologizing to you if he was wrong about something, but you’d know better than to be an asshole about the situation and rub the apology in his face, so you’d give him a little time to settle and wait for him to say, “Quit fuckin’ around and come sit next to me,” while he’s stretched out on the couch.
If Richie Jerimovich were your reformed scumbag boyfriend, you would still play Guitar Hero on a regular basis and he wouldn’t make fun of you for your settings still being on “easy”.
If Richie Jerimovich were your reformed scumbag boyfriend, when something good happened to you, you’d tell him and laugh and say, “God, I don’t deserve this!” and he’d look at you and say, “Fuck are you talking about, of course you do.”
If Richie Jerimovich were your reformed scumbag boyfriend, he would know what umami means, but he wouldn’t tell you. You’d only know you’re using it wrong when you catch the amused simper he’s trying to hide.
If Richie Jerimovich were your reformed scumbag boyfriend, when you visited the restaurant, Nat would have to tell him off about five times that night for lingering at your table too long. He’d pop back into the kitchen every now and again to “make sure table 6 is getting the real deal” and be forcefully ushered out by a chorus of curses each time (thereafter sauntering straight to table 6 to flirt with you a bit more and assure you that, “Oh, they’re cooking you up the real deal back there, I’m making sure of it.”)
If Richie Jerimovich were your reformed scumbag boyfriend, you would accidentally catch sight of a sticky note on the fridge while he was still in the room. I saw a buttplug on the street today, it’d read, some asshole must’ve dropped it. And you would unfortunately grant him the satisfaction of laughing out loud. He would never let you live down the fact that you do, in fact, find him funny.
If Richie Jerimovich were your reformed scumbag boyfriend, pre-s2e7-of-the-hit-TV-show-The-Bear-Forks (when he was just: Richie Jerimovich, your scumbag boyfriend), you’d have let him rant about gentrification as much as he wanted, and you’d have refrained from pointing out that he’s saying the same thing over and over. “I know, babe,” you’d have said, “That’s such a good point.”
If Richie Jerimovich were your reformed scumbag boyfriend, post-s2e7-of-the-hit-TV-show-The-Bear-Forks, he’d take to saying, to his still-scumbag friends: “When fishermen cannot go to sea, they mend their nets.” Then he’d explain, sagely, how, “There will be times in our lives where we may not be able to do things we have always done, in the way we have always done them,” and you’d kiss him all over his face, because you love having a reformed scumbag boyfriend who randomly recites proverbs now.
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stuff richie says (1/?)
the bear (2022-)
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Jeremy Allen White as Carmen ‘Carmy’ Berzatto
Pop, The Bear
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uh oh i’m in my val kilmer era
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parents got a new cat they named lord montague and this morning i heard my dad in the other room say "i would have to advise against that decision, my lord" followed by a crashing sound
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