The ocean. One of the few places in the world where I feel most calm. There is something so soothing about a body of water. To watch the waves sway back & forth is just so perfect to me.

Lately, I’ve been craving the ocean. The calmness. The beauty. The peace. However, I am not so naive. As beautiful as an ocean can be, it also holds many dark & uncertain features…much like life itself.

How’s life you ask??? Well, it’s been…very uncertain the past several weeks. My brain doesn’t like to rest. My brain enjoys toying with my emotions & leaving me restless & very anxious.

I would say…my anxiety has went from 0 to 100 in a very short amount of time. It’s funny though. After changing jobs, having a normal sleep schedule && routine, you’d think my life would’ve gotten easier. But no. Not me. I’ve recently been so disabled from my own anxieties & fears, that I often find myself in bed right after work. Refusing to eat. Refusing to exercise. Refusing to do pretty much anything useful other than cry. Cry about the world. Cry about my dog. Cry about crying!!!

However, thank GOD for my husband who came home every night and hugged me & kissed me and told me everything was going to be alright. Thank GOD for my family & friends who continued to check in on me daily to make sure I was doing ok. Thank GOD for modern medicine for having drugs available to help my brains chemical imbalances. Overall, THANK GOD for the prayers he’s been receiving from me.

I’m grateful to have spent the past weekend focusing on me. Doing things I know will help keep me grounded…such as opening the pool. While it may not be the ocean, it’s my paradise. I can’t help but feel so much happiness when I’m surrounded by it. Now, I know the ocean & no body of water is going to be my saving grace, however with medication, counseling, && lots of grace, i know I’ll get there.💗

The 5 Stages of Grief

1.) Denial / The loss of something or someone can be so overwhelming. Denial allows our brains to shut off, giving ourselves more time to process what the hell just happened. I’m a sucker for denial. Pretty much in every aspect of life. Whether it’s good or bad. It’s a defense mechanism that has helped me cope for many many years. Often I feel numb to so many situations because to me, it’s better than the alternatives. Let’s face it, we have all gone through this first stage. Many of us still remain in this first stage, even years later. It’s easier for me to believe that’s it’s all a bad dream than to face the harshness of reality.

2.) Anger / My biggest enemy when it comes to grieving. It’s my way to mask all other emotions. I’ll never forget when we got the news that my Grandma had passed away. I was going into 6th grade. Old enough to know what the hell was happening. I’m pretty sure I broke several picture frames and tore up several pillows after learning the news. I projected my anger towards my parents, my friends....basically anything and anyone. I saw red. Shit, I still see red. It’s not something I’m proud of. I know I can handle myself better, but it’s so uncontrollable & hits you when you least expect it.

3.) Bargaining / “What if” OR “If only” ....the vulnerability that comes with this stage. You feel weak. You question every god damn thing you’ve ever done or said to that person. You question whether you were a good friend, family member, etc. You’re mentally so raw. I have always been someone to question everything.... literally EVERYTHING. So this stage is never easy for me. It continues to haunt me even years later.

4.) Depression / The stage that defines me. Coming from someone who suffers from anxiety and depression on a regular basis, try imagine going through it when you’re grieving. It intensifies like no other. I sit in my house....in silence. I lay in bed for days. I barely have the energy to shower and get ready. When I eat, it’s minimal & usually really shitty food. My brain is foggy and all I do is cry....& cry...& cry. Along the way, I’ve learned that music helps me attach words with my emotions. I often will turn on music & just sob. And the worst part is....this stage never really goes away for me. I’m always struggling to beat my depression so it’s always really hard to find the light at the end of the tunnel. I lean heavily on my family & friends during this time & I know how incredibly difficult that can be. Depression is a real bitch.

5.) Acceptance / Its weird. You’re not necessarily happy or uplifted during this time. It just means, you’ve literally accepted the facts & what it means in your life. I’ve had to go through this vicisous cycle quite a few times in my life & acceptance never gets easier. However, it does make more sense as an adult compared to as a child. As a child losing multiple grandparents early on, I was forced to learn to grieve but the acceptance of it just kinda happened. I didn’t have time to really PROCESS it! Now as an adult, I’m able to sit with my emotions and go through my thoughts and feelings before actually moving along.

I felt like I needed to write this after the tragedy that occurred on Sunday morning. The unexpected loss of a friend or family member is so mentally devastating. It can be so destructive to your mental state. I’ve spent the last few days, cycling through my emotions. One minute I’m bawling in the car, the next I’m mad as hell, and then I’m completely numb. Zach was such a special person to me & Brian. My heart hurts for so many people right now. My love goes out to everyone. Just always remember....tell your people how much you love them every damn day.

Books. They are so powerful. They leave such a lasting impression on your mind compared to anything else. Today I woke up super early. Felt like being productive on the first of the month. This book was recommended by a friend who truly understands me & my ways. I’m about 37 pages in & wow. The book is humbling & makes me realize how badly I need on this “Energy Bus”.

I’m not totally sure when it happened but at some point in my adult life, I lost my spark. I lost my zest for life & adventure. I became content with being ordinary instead of extraordinary. I lost my authentic bubbly self. I became preoccupied with putting others first, working myself to death & being very unhappy doing it, & just simply not caring. It’s really depressing to look back & see how truly happy I was compared to now.

As I read this book, I crave to regain that energy more than ever. The book talks about how the world is full of energy. We essentially as humans are made of energy. Often we hear the phrases “the room was full of energy” and its true! There are some instances where I will walk into a situation and immediately feel either the excitement or tension that people give off. Growing up, I always felt the need to shift the energy & be the positive light for others to gravitate too. However, the older I got, the more I felt inclined to join the crowd and fit the mood.

I often hear the phrase, especially from my mom “I miss my happy, go lucky Brooke”. Little does she know, I miss her too. Life isn’t always rainbows and butterflies. Shit, life is tough && I’ve definitley watched myself go from embracing the good & bad to focusing solely on the negative.

2021 is all about growth for me & choosing to finally put my needs before others. I made the tough decision to change careers simply for my mental health. A lot of people questioned why I was leaving a job that I had dreamed about since I was a little girl. And the answer is simple, because it was not providing me the mental stability I needed. I LOVE helping bring life into this world, but working nights and 12 hour shifts left me feeling so incredibly drained. There were days I wouldn’t leave my bed or shower or pretty much do anything. I would let laundry pile up for weeks until the baskets were overflowing. Dishes would be left in the sink until it was too full to actually use. I constantly battled with a bad mood because I was so tired & just wanted to live a normal life. So that there is truly the reason I chose to explore other options. Thankfully, nursing provides a plethora of career choices. I chose one that not only sparked my interest but provided me a stable schedule. A Monday-Friday, 8-4, no weekends, no holidays, no on-call. I’m guaranteed to be home now later than 5:00 most nights! I’m guaranteed to be able to see my husband every single night of the week. That alone will make all the difference for my marriage. I’m hoping & praying that this transition will help me cope with my mental being. I hope I will be able to smoothly adjust to a more predictable schedule. Will I miss delivering babies? OF COURSE! If I have ever took care of you & you are reading this, you know how much i love my patients and how much I connect with them. I value the relationships I have made and the work experience I have gained. But it is also time to give myself some grace and search for that inner spark once again. I’m only 26 years old. I’m too young to feel this way.

So thank you to my friend Shelley for letting me borrow and read this book. It’s definitley something EVERYONE should read. Literally every human being. It’s too humbling not to. And remember, if you’re struggling, please reach out. I love talking through my feelings & it’s okay to feel the way you do! Always remember that.❤️

My favorite is when the sun is shining & there’s not a cloud in the sky.☁️

It’s such a beautiful day. On days like these, I force myself to sit outside. To breathe in the fresh air. To let the sun just do it’s thing & keep me warm. These days are especially important during winter. They are far & few between.

To put it into perspective for you, I’m sitting on top of my pool deck in my lounge chair. I’m counting down the days where I can finally see pretty pool water rather than a black frozen tarp. This winter seems to be dragging on! Usually I’m okay with the winter & snow & cold. But this year just seems different. I’m excited for days like today where I get a little glimpse of the future! Maybe it’s because we’re all trapped inside unable to go out & experience the word like we used to. All I know is, I’m ready for winter to be over.

I’ve also got so many new & exciting things coming up that I can’t wait to share with you. It’s been hard keeping it a secret (no I’m not pregnant). 2020 made me realize I’m too young to not be completely & utterly happy with my life. So with that being said, I’ve got some exciting news that I’ll hopefully be able to share sooner rather than later! For now, I’ll just let your mind wander.

Here is my PSA for the day...if you’re reading this, freaking do something that makes you happy! Quit living life in the comfort zone. Be spontaneous. Challenge yourself to be the best version of you every single day. The world is a weird place right now & you have to constantly remind yourself, that your thoughts & feelings are still VALID! Be unapologetically you & you’ll never live a day of regret.🤍

Hey y’all! I know i know. I’m back already. Blogging on Jan 31 was so fun & refreshing. It definitley sparked my desire to want to blog more. So here I am! Today’s topic...(DRUM ROLL PLEASE....) TODAY IS MY LAST DAY OF QUARANTINE!!! WOOT WOOT!

This has by far been the longest 10 days of my life & I am not exaggerating. The first few days were tolerable only because I didn’t feel that great. I spent most of those days in a NyQuil coma, so I don’t remember how fast or slow the days went by. HOWEVER, once you start feeling good & you know you can’t or at least shouldn’t leave the house...you start to panic. You start to go a little stir crazy & I know you know what I mean. I may have shed a few tears here and there but believe me...it was worth it.

Even with Brian home, I still felt so isolated. He’s been working in the basement and when he’s working, I am not allowed down there. Which I totally respect but shoot, it’s not as easy as one would think!

I’m thankful for my Gracie girl who has spent many days cuddled up or napping with me. Yesterday I got bundled up and went outside with her. We played with her ball & I let her do zoomies. The girl was so pumped and afterwards she napped harder than she had in days.

Regardless of how annoying, tough, and lonely quarantine has been, it’s also changed my perspective on so many things. For one, I will never take for granted having the ability to leave my house ever again. I feel like I’m slightly a hermit...no but really think about it. I love being home. Home is my safe place. I love being in my living room, in my pjs, with my doggie watching TV. I just do. I love in the summer getting in my suit and laying out by myself. It’s just how it is. I love my alone time & i love my home. HOWEVER, when you are forced to STAY at home, not even able to go get food or drinks or run to the bank, your sanity runs thin. I’m so excited to go to the grocery store...to see people other than my husband (sorry Brian LOL). I’m excited to see my family & friends. I’m excited to go back to work! I’m excited to be able to start my year off in the WORLD. It will be glorious & I will never take it for granted again.

Another thing I learned from quarantine, my desire to stay CONSISTENT. My word for the year 2021 is consistency. Its so easy to lose sight of New Years resolutions. Every year i aim so high and never feel like I achieve any of my goals. However, with the word consistency, I’m able to have a little bit more freedom. Consistency can be applied to every aspect of my life. As long as I can continue to be consistent and apply small, obtainable habits into my daily routine, I’ll feel like I actually have achieved something.

For those of you reading this that are still in quarantine, I’m thinking of you! There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I PROMISE!

Oh hey y’all! It’s me...the girl who swore up and down she would never abandon this blog. Funny how a pandemic changes your thoughts and perspective on things. But nevertheless, it’s me. I’m back...for now. What better way to end this tragedy called 2020 and start 2021 with a reflection post. I know i know, it’s such a cliche, but frankly it’s therapeutic af and y’all need to do the same. It’s good for the soul and you know it. Now...let’s begin.

The ball dropped at midnight on Jan 1st 2020, THIS WAS IT. THIS WAS GOING TO BE MY YEAR. I was gonna get my shit together. I had such big hopes and dreams. We spent that night as a Framily planning out big vacations and activities which we were so excited for. Little did we know this thing called COVID-19 was about to change all of that. Not gonna lie, when I first heard about COVID, I wasn’t concerned. In my head, I viewed it as another dumb disease. This little thing wasn’t gonna affect me and my life. Boy was I in for a rude ass awakening.

As January and February flew past us, things continued to get weirder & more restrictive. My work environment became something I never saw coming. We were REQUIRED to wear masks, take our temperature daily, allow only one visitor at the bedside, etc. I was genuinely scared to go to work. I dreaded the thought of leaving the safety of my home considering we were also on mandatory lockdown! We’re strongly encouraged to STAY HOME AND ONLY LEAVE FOR WORK OR PRIORITY THINGS. How freaking wild is that? Like never in a million years would I have thought this would’ve happened during my life time. However, I made the most of it...or at least tried to!

Some positives that came out of quarantine included spending some much needed time with family. We spent March-April pretty much locked down between my house, my parents, and the in-laws. I know i know, that’s not technically quarantine. However, family is super important and I felt it was necessary to still stay in contact, so judge all you want! We spent endless nights playing board games, ordering curbside, & becoming extremely addicted to TikTok. We also were able to save some money & do some work around the house! My home is my safe place & the remodeling made it feel even more cozier.

Some negatives about quarantine. The feeling of absolute loneliness. The feeling of being confined to your home. Unable to see friends. Unable to hug your grandma. It all fucking sucked. My anxiety and depression were at all time high during quarantine. I drank everyday, I napped more than usual, I was miserable. What really hurt is that at the beginning of March, Brian & I had decided we were ready to start a family. We wanted 2020 to bring us a baby 👶🏼 . We were so excited & ready. However, with the unknowns of COVID and the thought of not having Brian be at the bedside with me or being able to participate in doctors visits, made us reevaluate our decision to become parents. Which lets be honest, was probably a blessing in disguise. As I sit here and ponder, if we had successfully gotten pregnant, I could have a baby in my arms right now instead of my second cup of coffee and an 80 lb lap dog... WILD THOUGHT. I’ve only shared this with our close friends and family but it truly was devastating to make that decision to hold off on our future. Now I look back and think to myself, that was the most selfless decision we could’ve ever made. Our day will come when we have a little babe, but for now, it’s in Gods hands & were okay with waiting.

As summer came & COVID numbers decreased, I’m not gonna lie, we went HARD! Between the two of us, we went to the Ozarks THREE times, we went on a belated honeymoon to Florida, and had one of the best summers. We built a deck around our pool, we had another killer 4th of July, and we just lived our lives like we never had before! It was so great being back with our friends and making the best damn memories. I’ll never regret our decisions this summer. They were THAT good. Covid couldn’t totally stop us. Here are some of my favorite memories..

Fast forward to the fall, we also had just as good a time as we did in the summer! We celebrated our friends getting married, we did all the fall activities, and just enjoyed the time together. I also started selling Scentsy which I cannot describe in words how grateful i am for. Again, no regrets. However in November, our worlds got a little shaky.

If you know me, you know I have a sick obsession with my dog. Well, Gracie Lou decided she wanted to swallow a squeaker in early November which resulted in emergency surgery. And to top it all off, she not only required one surgery, but a second surgery after she experienced complications from the first. If this year wasn’t hard enough, this was the icing on top of the cake....or so I thought. Luckily after weeks of low activity, antibiotics, pain meds, & LOTS OF LOVE, she is back to her normal self. Thank you Jesus. It was scary enough and stressful enough to put me back on anxiety meds which are a GOD send ...HALLEJUAH.

Now, as our year comes to an end, 2020 wanted to make sure to add a cherry to the top of this horrendous cake and give me...COVID. Yes I am COVID positive. Going on day 5 of isolation with the hubs. I woke up the day after Christmas with no taste and smell and let me tell ya, it’s the weirdest sensation or should i say lack of. Not being able to smell my coffee and Scentsy or taste my food is awful. 0/10 don’t recommend. However, I’ve had a very minor case of it which I’m thankful for. January 6th, I’ll be a free woman, so I can’t complain. So as many of you will spend tonight with friends and family, I’ll be in bed, probably sleeping when the clock strikes midnight. && ALAS THE YEAR 2020 WILL COME TO AN END!

As for 2021, I’ve got my eyes on you. I’m cautiously optimistic. I’ll be starting my year off at home, re-evaluating my priorities. Choosing what matters most! I’ve got my goals & I’ll be sure to keep those in the back of my head at all times. Changes will be made for the better in 2021 and I’m so excited to share with you my journey. As for this blog, who knows, maybe I’ll write more or maybe I won’t. Regardless, I appreciate you taking the time out of your day to read this. I hope you all have the best day & stay healthy my friends. ✨

5:25 pm; Preaching

It’s 5:25 pm on a Monday and I have hardly left my bed or couch. Maybe it’s from the pure exhaustion of working 5 out of the last 7 days at the hospital. Maybe it’s because I’ve had a massive migraine from the moment I woke up today & no matter what I do, it won’t go away. Maybe it’s because I haven’t really had much to eat because instead of eating I chose to sleep. Who knows.

I have to laugh at myself because after reading the above paragraph, I realize how big of a hypocrit I can be at times. I am ALWAYS preaching to my family, my friends, shoot even my patients how they MUST take care of themselves. But why is it that I don’t take the time to take care of ME?! Why don’t I put myself first more often?? I am constantly reminding others how important it is to PUT THEMSELVES FIRST but when it comes to me, I just shrug and move on. Which I realize is total bullshit, but why do I continue to do it?

I’ve decided today is just a wash for me. Tomorrow I will start over fresh. I will wake up, go to work, be the best nurse I can be, while also making sure I am taking care of ME! I will eat my breakfast, I will take my supplements, I will get my exercise, & I will put myself first! You gotta do what you gotta do. And i truly believe that God saw me struggling and knew I needed this break...

With that being said, remember, there will be days like this. The important part is that you realize tomorrow is a new day and it’s TOTALLY OKAY to not be on your A game sometimes. So, if you’re feeling like me, make today your “off” day and make it your goal to wake up tomorrow with a new mindset and motivation. ♥️

10:30 am; the day after.

Anxiety.

It hits you out of nowhere. It’s like a hurricane. It builds its strength before deciding to knock you off your feet. First...you begin to feel “off”. You feel like something just isn’t right. You can’t sit still. You’re restless. You’re just not you. Then comes the excruciating headache, the fast pulse, the quick breathing, and chest tightness. You feel like your losing control of you not only your brain but your body. Everything is so blurry and exhausting but you can’t decide if you just want to run a million miles or curl up in your bed and sleep for days. It can seconds, minutes, hours, even days to feel better and back to you.

Today is my “day after”. I’m exhausted. I can hardly get off the couch. My brain is numb. I can’t think and oddly enough, I don’t want to. Im not hungry. I’m not thirsty. I’m just.... worn down. My escape today is cuddling up with Gracie and losing track of time while watching Netflix and attempting to get back to the normal me. Luckily, I know my anxiety. I know these attacks are few and far between. And I know after today, I WILL feel better. But for now, I’m okay with not being okay. If that makes any sense at all.

If you’re struggling, just know, it’s going to be okay. You just have to believe it.🖤

07:01 am; Learning to love ME

Why did no one warn me while growing I was going to be bullied and harrassed for having the body I did. If you knew me, you knew I developed well before anyone else my age. Shoot, I was wearing a BRA in the 2ND GRADE. By the 5th grade, I was towering over my peers and felt like a giant, which is ironic now considering I am still the height I was back when I was 10. &&& now I feel like the world is a giant towering over me. On top of my early onset of puberty, I also was quite chubby. Although I played basketball, soccer, softball, etc., I never had the “athletic” build. I was in shape but i wasn’t “in shape” on the outside & people ALWAYS liked to remind me of it. People would use my own body against me. Call me fat, call me ugly, tell me ANYTHING to make me hate my body even more than I already did.

Fast forward to senior year of highschool. I break my ankle and it was a blessing and curse. I lose 40 lbs after crutching around the high school for weeks & once I was able to actually walk, I paid better attention to my body. I worked out daily, I ate better and less, and just felt good. But the obsession with losing weight set in...I became ADDICTED to losing weight & being “skinny”. By sophomore year of college, I weighed almost 100 lbs....I wore a size 0 pants. My small T-shirt’s were big on. I THOUGHT I looked good, but when my family and friends would look at me and tell me my face looked sunken in and that I was way too skinny, I felt defeated. I thought to myself “How in the world did I get to this point!? After working so hard to be “skinny” now I was too “skinny” and instead of being made fun of for being fat, it was because I was too skinny.” It was heart breaking. Thankfully after moving back home, I became happy again and naturally gained some weight back & things seemed a bit better.

Fast forward to now, I’m still learning how to be happy with my body. Instead of focusing on skinny, I’m focusing on being healthy. It’s not about being a size 0, it’s about feeling good in my own skin. It’s about not worrying about what’s others think but about what I think. Ignoring the hateful comments that at times I still receive, but to focus on the positive comments that are few and far between at times. It’s about learning to love me....although it may be the hardest challenge, I’m ready to face it & win.

Shoutout to all the others girls and guys who have struggled with the same thoughts and feelings I have in regards to my body. It’s not easy, but when you have support from others, it makes a world of difference. ♥️

07:32-Today I was pushed back at work and get to come in at 10:45 so now I will spend my morning catching up on Greys, The Bachelor, and Manifest!! SO EXCITED!😅🤩

8:22 am; My Current Obsessions.☕️

Keeping it short & sweet this morning as I catch up on The Bachelor...

• Bath & Body Works 3-Wick Candles (The MOST delicious scent is Caramel Apple.🍎🤤)

• Kiehls Skincare Line.🧖🏼‍♀️💦

• Victoria’s Secret Tease Perfume.🖤💖

• Chef Shoppe Caramel Kiss Coffee.☕️

• MIO Energy.🥤🥤

• Paper Mate Flair Felt Tip Pens.✒️🧡💛💙💚

• IGK: Direct Flight Multitasking Dry Shampo💁🏼‍♀️

• Hobby Lobby...in general.😳😂😳

• Hit-N-Run Diet Dew🥤🥤

• Clinique Hydrating Primer for oily skin.🙌🏻

• Grafton Wine (preferably Crapple or Apple Crisp)🍎

• 1stPhorm Level-1 Protein Powder (Chocolate Mint or Pumpkin Spice FORSURE)🧡

• Target...in general. 🥰♥️🥰♥️

• Starbucks Caramel Macchiato with extra shot of espresso.☕️🖤

• Raspberry Lemonade Spark Energy Drink.🍋

• Cotton Candy BANG 💖💙💖💙

• HaloTop Birthday Cane Icecream.🍦

The list could go on and on and ON...however it’s time to see who Colton sends home on night 1!😳🙌🏻

I hope everyone has the best day & I would love to know some of your obsessions!!!💛

0903- XOXOXO

The Best Day of My Life

October 13, 2018.

It was like any other day, except it wasn’t. It was the day I got to marry my best friend. I had spent the night with my sister because since I was and still am very superstitious, I couldn’t bear the idea of waking up and seeing Brian BEFORE walking down the aisle! I woke up to the sound of my mom making us coffee. ☕️♥️When I lived at home, our Saturday morning ritual was to make each other a cup of coffee and spend the morning catching up on what happened during that week and what our plans were for that weekend. & just because I was getting married that day, did not change that ritual. It was the perfect start to the perfect day.

From my house, my mom and I drove to the salon where I was greeted by all my bridesmaids & close friends & family. They presented me each with a letter. Letters that were enclosed with the sweetest & kindest words you could ever imagine. 💌From then on, me and my girls spent the morning drinking our mimosas and being fab. Everyone kept asking...”Are you nervous?” My response...”Not even a little.”

We then all piled into our cars and sped off to the church to put on our final touches....the dresses duh. 💕👏🏼 The moment I put on my dress was the moment that I realized...”Oh shoot, I’m getting married!!!!” I was never nervous but at this moment, I was like....”OH MY GOODNESS IM GETTING MARRIED IM GETTING MARRIED. IM. GETTING. MARRIED.”😳😳😳😳😳

1:45 comes & it times to line up and get the show started. While the bridal party was upstairs, I was downstairs waiting for the bells to ring (basically my cue). During those 15 minutes, I was at such peace. I was so genuinely happy. I was ready to be Mrs.Nemsky.

Finally, as the church doors open and I stand in front of 250+ people, all I see is my soon-to-be husband, looking mighty fine, with that cute little smile on his face. I was so stinking happy. I had so many little butterflies in my belly that I couldn’t contain myself. WE WERE FINALLY GET MARRIED!

From the moment the Pastor announced us as Mr. & Mrs. Brian and Brooke Nemsky, the rest was just a blur of absolute bliss and happiness.

Pictures went flawlessly, we partied our hearts out on the bus, and then continued to party even harder at the reception. By 11:00 pm, when the reception was declared over, I was so tired and so sore from dancing in a dress that was easily 40 lbs. BUT, I was also the happiest girl in the world. I was FINALLY a wife & it was the best feeling in the world. ♥️🌎

Whenever I think back to that wonderful day, it sends chills down my spine. It was so perfect in every single way that I wouldn’t change a single thing. Everyone involved made the day so fun and exciting & im so thankful for that. 💕Now, were just living the married life, learning more and more about one another each day. It’s just one of the best things ever & I wouldn’t want to have it any other way.

4:16 pm; Things that make me happy.😁

-A warm cup of coffee...preferably Starbucks☕️🖤

-A good book.📖

-A big bear hug and kiss from Brian when I get home.🐻👄

-Freshly washed sheets.🧺

-The smell of freshly baked cookies.🍪

-Cuddling up with my heated blanket 🛌

-That feeling you get after a great workout.🏋🏼‍♀️

-Being surrounded by friends and family that truly love and accept me for my craziness.💕

-A large glass of wine after a rough day at work.🍷

-Laying in bed, talking to Brian about our busy days.👫

-A clean house. 🏡

-Being able to sleep in.😴

-Having an awesome day at work!💊💉

4:24-Shift is almost over! Hope everyone has had a great Sunday.♥️♥️♥️

6:31 am; Young Love.♥️

I woke up to a kiss on the cheek this morning followed by a “I love you” as Brian left for work. He thought I was sleeping, however he continues to do this every morning regardless of whether I am awake. He vowed to kiss me every morning and every night, and he has stuck by that vow religiously. It makes me feel so loved & wanted & THAT is the best feeling ever.

At 23 years old, I feel that each relationship I was in at one point, led me to finding the perfect Prince Charming.

Thank you to all my middle school crushes and “boyfriends” for defining the definition of puppy love for me. I will forever reminisce and laugh at the memories of all our Aim Instant Messages & late nights (late meaning like 10:30 pm...) hanging out on Karlie’s trampoline, talking about how hard 8th grade algebra was. None of these relationships were serious(I mean we were 13 and 14 years old) but they showed me how even at a young age, we were capable of finding someone that truly made us smile and feel that pure sense of puppy love.💕

Thank you to all my high school flings followed by the heart breaks that ultimately led me to be with my husband. Throughout highschool, I thought I knew what love was. However, I think I was more in love with the idea of BEING in love vs actually being in love with those individuals. Had I known that then,it would’ve saved me so much heart ache when my long term relationships ended so abruptly. And then there was the times when I would talk to guys and really feel the connection, only to be left on read and texted when it was convenient for them. Which had I known that then, I wouldn’t have spent sleepless nights wondering why I wasn’t good enough. Although I do not speak to any of these men anymore, I have no remorse or hatred towards them. I mean shoot, they made me realize how much love I had for the guy who stood by my side the entire time, my best freaking friend, Brian Matthew.

If you don’t know, Brian and I have known each other since we were 10 years old. We sat right next to each other in our 6th grade Advisory class. We instantly became best friends. If I close my eyes, I can picture his bowl hair cut followed by a draft of axe body spray. This boy was gold. He was my best friend. He just made me laugh and smile a lot! But as much as he wanted to “go out”, I just couldn’t get past the fact that he was my BEST FRIEND. Like, I’m sorry, I can’t date my best friend! But as he moved on and dated other girls, I realized how jealous I felt & how my heart hurt to see him with someone else. However, we did go through a time where we truly hated each other. We were cruel. But thanks to puberty, we both did some growing up and by freshman year of high school, we were inseparable again. However, we were best friends, and we both went on and experienced different relationships. Then after my final heart break, I decided it was time to give Brian a chance and now fast forward 7.5 years later, we are two married fools so in love with each other and our dog that we can’t imagine a time without each other.

Although we are young & many people doubted us from the very beginning of our relationship, we MADE it. We defeated highschool, we got through 4 years of college and college football, as well as 4 grueling years of nursing school. & now we are just two married fools. Be sure to tell your fool just how much you love them. Even if they’re sleeping...because you’ll never know if they’re actually awake to hear it.😘

7:10 am; BucketList🏝🗽✈️

Morning friends. 😇

I’m assuming all of you have or have heard of a bucketlist. It’s a list of things you wish to do or to achieve in your lifetime. On my way to work this morning, I thought...why don’t I actually type out my bucketlist. That way, I can refer back to it overtime & see if I ever get to accomplish these fun & exciting things. So with that being said...let’s get started♥️

• Travel outside of the country. (Would love to visit France, Italy, England, Ireland, & Amsterdam)🛫

• Visit all 50 states.🌍

• Vegas trip with my girls! (& while I’m there since I’m a total nerd, explore the area surrounding Area 51 👽👽)

• Play with a baby lion or tiger, either will do.🦁🐯

• Take an Alaskan Cruise & go whale watching!!🐳

• Drink really expensive wine in Napa Valley🍷🍇

• Take my parents on a nice vacation as a way to thank them for all they have done for me.👏🏼

• “Attempt” to surf & ski .🏄🏼‍♀️⛷ (key word attempt)

• Go on a float trip with a big group of friends.⚓️

• Visit NYC during Christmas time.🗽

• Learn how to make the BEST homemade apple pie.🍏🥧🍎

• Become a puppy foster parent.🐶🐶

• Become a mom.👶🏼🍼

• Visit the Gentle Barn in Missouri and cuddle a cow...because cows are FREAKING precious.🐮

• Learn how to properly shoot a gun & use a bow & arrow and then hunt!🦌

• RUN a 5k🎗🏃🏼‍♀️

• Learn how to golf...🏌🏼‍♀️

• Get my very own espresso machine & learn how to make the best cup of coffee...ever.☕️

• Be part of a missionary trip & go across the world to help those in need.💒

• Take a ride in a helicopter.🚁

• Take the train to Chicago. 🚂

• Become a Certified Lactation Consultant.🤱🏼👼🏼

• Adopt a family for Christmas & make all their holiday dreams & wishes come true!!🎄

• Buy my dream car...to be specific a blacked out Jeep.🖤🖤

The list could go on and on but for now, this is a pretty good start!👏🏼 I hope my future allows me to check off all things on my bucketlist & more.

7:47 am-Time for my Fall Meeting! As a RN, a fall is one of your #1 fears. Remember, always tell your patients...CALL, DONT FALL!!!

10:57 am; Waiting for A PostOp

Morning!

I was blessed with a pushback today at work until 10:45. So i was able to spend my morning cuddled up with Gracie and watching Law & Order SVU. Sometimes I get so into that show that I truly feel like a NYC detective investigating vicious felonies.🤣 However...on a more serious note...

The last few days have knocked me off my feet. I’m tired. I’m sore. Im just ready for normalcy in my schedule. The holidays are my absolute favorite but they tend to bring me down once they all end. It’s like all the anticipation and adrenaline are grown and now they have left me poor, depressed, and ready for summer. I do feel like seasonal depression is something I struggle with. I miss the sun. I miss just throwing on a pair of shorts and a T-shirt and going outside. I’m in desperate need of a warm vacation.

I do feel like those around me suffer just as much as I do. I’m not the most pleasant person to be around this time of year. The weather brings my entire mood down and my fierce attitude likes to show itself. I keep telling myself, “It will get better.” But will it? It’s something I struggle with each and every year and it’s truly a fear of mine. Will I continue to be always be this low??? When will I wake up in the morning and be genuinely happy again? Although the fear is real, I do know it’ll eventually get better with time. Plus, I have an amazing support system that helps me through each and everyday and for that, I’m incredibly grateful.♥️

11:07-Just got beeped for my first patient of the day. Here we go!

6:21 am; Mornings as a Nurse ☕️🌤

It’s 6:21 am on Saturday, December 29, 2018. It’s still dark outside & my day is just getting started. I overslept because I was up all night with a 9 month old puppy who doesn’t understand the concept of sleep. So, with that being said, I have no coffee & I forgot my lunch....typical. I’m lucky that I was able to wash my face, brush my teeth, get dressed and get out the door in a matter of 10 minutes to beat STL morning traffic...so there’s a plus. I made it to the hospital in under 25 minutes which is record breaking and I already looked up all my patients. My day is slowly starting to come together.

As I look at my nurses brains for the day, I see a very busy day ahead of me. Lots and lots of morning meds, dressing changes, assessments, charting, and more. Although my shift allows me 12 hours to finish all of these tasks, time can be inevitable. Thank goodness that a hospital runs on 24 hour care.

It’s 6:31 am and I decided to make some coffee for my own sanity. My brain is a little less foggy & I’m ready to get going.

I pray for a good and safe Saturday. I pray that my patients receive the best possible care I can give them. I pray time is in my favor. I pray that today is just a good good day.

Time to clock-in.👋🏼

6:37 am-My shift starts now....