may 29, 2024

i now start to cry as a reflex as soon as i open tumblr to start writing a post.

today was a weird day. i was so annoyed and upset at everything. i hadn't thought about cutting myself, like genuinely, in a long time but today i did. i don't even know what it was. i think i dont like when my mom makes me feel like a bad person which is whenever she wants something from me that probably wouldn't be that difficult to provide but i don't want to do it.

i started trying to plan my courses for first term and im so confused and overwhelmed so i've stopped for now. ig we'll see how it goes.

i hate not having someone who's a constant throughout all the other shitty or scary or confusing changes that are happening right now. and i hate that i probably could have had someone had i been slightly nicer to him. or maybe it was bound to happen anyway. i think it was. and it's technically not unfair but it feels so fucking unfair. maybe i'm just inherently not a lovable person. like ig im entertaining and maybe enjoyable sometimes but. yeah.

may 23, 2024

i was thinking abt stuff this morning and the absolute sheer audacity of her to sit next to him is fuckin crazy, like it was probably heavily enabled but its still so funny like what the hell. literally only a white person could do that i think.

may 21, 2024

it was dustin’s bday yesterday and i didn’t even think abt it. maybe that’s a good sign. but im thinking abt it now and i wish i was w him

may 18, 2024

im so lonely. i dont think i have any real friends. i dont feel like anyone could ever really care about me as a person, just for specific beneficial traits, or just for a little bit, or just before they get to actually know me. and maybe it really is me. if my parents are like this and im an amalgamation of the both of them, then who could ever see me as desirable.

whatever

may 14, 2024

sometimes u just have to admit that u suck ass i guess. im just fucking stupid and thats ok. well no its not. its actually embarassing and awful and defeats the whole point of me as a person. cuz literally what else do i have to offer anyone including myself if i cant even do good on a physics test. yeah. well that fucking sucked. maybe if i study violently hard for the final itll be fine.

im just awful. im horrible and i suck and i cant do anything properly. it sucks to be disappointed in urself. cuz its like its ur own fuckin fault. idk what to do. cuz i DID study. ig not enough. maybe i'd suck less if i cared abt the class. idk.

my brain is just kinda empty but also imploding cuz theres sm swishing around in there but none of it has any substance. its just

ok this is fucking emo.

people think im smart. thats my entire point. thats my defining characteristic. theres nothing else TO me. nothing positive anyway. whatever. maybe it gets better.

april 10, 2024

so a) i didnt get into berkley. which is fine (?)

b) emma got into ubc and i havent yet. which is so awful and i might kms. because sure maybe i havent worked the hardest possible but i swear ive done a good job. like ive put in sm effort i swear. i dont understand why i wouldnt get in. my profile was decent. my grades r maybe not the best idk. jesus christ. its ok

march 27, 2024

im definitely not getting into berkley. which i guess is ok but its still embarassing and annoying cuz wtf is the point of immigrating when ur not achieving more here than you would've done over there

i've started going jogging w my mom and eating healthy and thats been nice so hopefully i can keep it up.

dustin makes me want to fucking kms. hes part of lakes dads crew apparently lmfao. like clearly so much happier than he ever was w me. and thats ok because why wouldnt it be. but i hate myself for not being good enough for him. because he was really nice to me. he made me so happy. or maybe its just nice to feel wanted by anyone but ik thats not true. its ok. it was nice while it lasted and that should be enough. maybe it feels so awful because ik objectively that i didnt do enough. its the consequences of my own actions.

march 19, 2024

i dont think ive ever been more uncomfortable with my body. like its awful and i wanna fucking die. i wish i could carve stuff out. like i could just start going to the gym but thats also so uncomfortable or i could just go on walks after school? that seems nicer and so i may do that.

or i might just shoot myself. i feel so icky and gross and disgusting and unattractive and i just wish i could die.

i feel so uncomfortable in my skin. maybe i should just take my medication or im just getting my period but even if the feeling goes away the fact still stands that im fat and ugly. like if i could just start working out id be fine. i wish i could hide in my room for years. i feel so fucking ugly and maybe this is why even cameron stopped finding me attractive.

yippie. woohoo.

march 17, 2024

maybe it would be good for my mental health to stop checking noah and dustin and lake and whoever else's account, idk why i keep doing it. i like that noah's happy, that's not a problem, but i think i would've liked to be happy as well and that's pathetic.

anyways. i got into uc davis and ucsc but not berkley yet although there's still time until the 28th. we'll see.

it really doesnt matter but it would just be good proof that i am capable of doing things.

not that i am. idk. i feel unmotivated and stressed out and like shit. but maybe it'll get better.

march 8, 2024

i don’t know why i keep expecting people to like me when i’ve gathered ample evidence that it doesn’t happen. like god i don’t understand why someone can’t care as much as i do. i used to think that my personality wasn’t a problem but now i don’t even know if that’s true. nobody likes me anymore and i don’t know what i’m doing wrong. i wish i was still with dustin, like how we were in the beginning. i really loved him i think. and now he’s so happy and i should be happy for him and i think i am but i also don’t understand why i don’t deserve the same.

march 1, 2024

i think i've become like traumatized from cameron not texting me back in a timely fashion, or for fucking days and then pretending nothing happened while still being passive and distant.

i guess i cant expect anything better from this guy because i also met him on a dating app but he went to magee so i thought he would've had some undertones of not being a piece of shit. not that he's done anything wrong.

idk. i just want someone to care about me as much as i care. and i don't think that's an unreasonable request. but maybe I'm just not lovable in that way. maybe my personality doesn't really work with a long term thing for people. just kinda for a short duration.

i just feel like its not that hard to. idk.

january 18- february 16, 2024

last nice thing he said to me was in mid october. and i know he sucked but maybe he didn’t and i did instead and i just ruin the good things that come my way -----

apparently they’ve broken up because she was bored or smth. which objectively sucks for him and i’m sorry that happened. but also like obviously makes me feel a little satisfaction. the thing is tho like now this opens up a whole new territory of . no it doesnt. jesus christ. i wouldve stayed wuth him we all know tbis it wouldve been fine but ig he didnt want thag and yk what it honestly props to her has made hik more confident, hes in band now and he takes art and he puts his hair up and has a photo of his face and so obviously im fucking jealous because why didn’t i do that. maybe i made him better in someway idk how u could get bored of a relationship that’s crazy it just means u don’t wanna be with them basically. and he didn’t wanna be w me. which is awesome. idk what i’m saying. i’m saying that if he had been an intelligent person or just a more caring and long term focused person, maybe we would’ve still been together. but ig he had different needs too right like i couldn’t eat lunch w him every single day and yeah idk -----

went on a date w a man. it was ok. idk -----

i mean i literally have to be the problem. like crofton and sadie r great, sidney and evelyn are great, ira and his gf r great, even dustin and lake were great. fuckinf cameron dated that girl for four years. idk what’s wrong w me -----

i had a dream abt dustin again. woohoo. it has officially been a year. and i am maybe less sad abt it but still very sad. i think i’m just scared of being alone and not having someone validate me as a good person. i don’t think anyone else i’ve dated still thinks i’m a good person. and maybe they’re right. they’ve all dated better people for longer after me. i was just this shitty patch in their life.

december 4, 2023- january 12, 2024

i ended stuff w him today cuz he was being a piece of shit so that’s good. i feel awful. but probably not any worse than he made me feel. i just wish he could’ve been nice to me cuz then everything would’ve been fine. i wish i would’ve been nice to dustin -----

you know maybe the fact that at some point someone loved me means that later on someone can love me again. but fucking hell man it doesn’t seem like it. i ruin all the good things that come my way. like there’s ppl in healthy relationships why can’t i do it i fucking want to so bad -----

1) i keep dreaming abt dustin and cam which is so pathetic 2) i keep remembering nice things that cam and i did cuz i’m trying to regret it i think idk 3) the overwhelming violent sadness i felt yesterday seeing dustin having joined the school band. -----

it’s so interesting how ur brain will make things seem sm nicer and significant in retrospect. or maybe i just hadn’t recognized how attached i was to him. like he objectively wasn’t nice but idk. sometimes i’ll see smth and be like oh he’d find that funny or smth. but it’s also interesting how at first he kept telling me i was gorgeous and beautifully and i was way out of his league and he was punching up but at the end he hadn’t even told me i looked nice for like a month. which i guess was abt 25% of the relationship. i mean it’s so stupid to have even gone out w him. like i at seventeen went out with a twenty three year old man. sometimes i just missing having someone who i sort of belong to -----

a) i’m basically 18 now that’s fucking insane. b) i feel like there’s smth fundamentally wrong with me like yeah idk because how come they’re so happy together why couldn’t i have done that and now i’m not even doing good in school jesus christ -----

i’m 18 now

november 1- december 2, 2023

maybe one day i’ll date someone who’s nice to me and loves me and i love them but currently i’m this desperate stupid dirty animal that’s scurrying around for crumbs and licking knives and gnawing holes and begging for a morsel of affection -----

some old chinese woman just stopped me to tell me i’m so beautiful and that i look like a female celestial fairy maiden xiānnǚ -----

what if i literally don’t get in to ubc but then also if i do ?? idk what the fuck i’m supposed to go with my life

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men don’t deserve the love women give them. like other than penis in vagina making babies, i dont think that there is a single biological, social or psychological reason for women to be with men when everything about them is total opposites -----

the relationship is always at the control of the person who can pull away. i’m at the mercy of your capacity to stay -----

i didn’t think i’d ever be happy for noah because i’d want him for me but i’m happy for him and i think that’s growth -----

you know maybe i’m being too tough on him. or maybe he’s not that nice. but maybe one day i’ll actually be in love and it’ll be really nice

october 1- 31, 2023

i don’t think i even like this man. like he truly sucks in every possible way and he makes me feel like shit all the time except when we’re having sex and then it’s alright. but he doesn’t pay attention to me he’s never nice to me he never responds and his lifestyle is shitty. he’s not quitting smoking that’s for sure and he won’t stop drinking like every day and maybe that’s just being a 23 year old but like fuck. he doesn’t seem to like me much either. like clearly. so idk. this is somehow even more degrading that koroosh because at least him there were no expectations i knew he sucked. this sucks -----

i wish i was in love. like actually in love and with someone who was kind and loving and cared abt me -----

i feel like there’s smth wrong w him? or maybe it’s w me? idk maybe we just have different expectations or desires or smth. i wanna kms like why can’t i just be happy and normal and not violently obsessive and intense and irrational and impulsive and overkill -----

i just left his house. we were gonna meet in the AM but he didn’t wake up until like 1:30pm because he was at an event till 2am. doing ecstasy and getting very drunk. nothing redeeming about that. and he had ghosted me for like two days before and he said it’s cuz he wanted to ask me out but was having trust issues. which is fair but not an excuse to leave me on read. idk. the sex is good i guess. he makes me feel wanted ? but i don’t think actually wants to date me. like he’s not very good at talking abt how he feels but he’s also not being very willing to even try. idk i think i’m wasting time that could be spent studying and writing profiles on a man that has no upward life trajectory. he tells me i’m so beautiful. that’s nice. maybe i’m judging him. but i need him to not be doing drugs and drinking and i need him to be healthy and stable. he isn’t. this is very much a canon event for me. like even if he’s nice to me he’s still moving in a year idk. let’s not think that far ahead. he just doesn’t give me what i need most of the time -----

this is like being in a car with my foot on the gas even though i can see the fucking brick wall right in front of me

-----

once again my period is slightly late and i’m panicking again. i need to call the clinic -----

yk i think the issue here is that i keep thinking oh well he’s not like MEAN to me or anything like he’s not doing anything bad but i feel like this is sm sm sm more insidious of a feeling cuz its like lack of any fucking effort at all or any interest or any romance or anything and im seventeen and maybe i shouldnt be settling for this shit also he was like i’m gonna ask u out? and he hasn’t? and he keeps letting me vape which is embarrassing truly not a single sign of care for me lmfao jesus christ i wish dustin still existed

-----

i wanna care for u and be like a husband to u and i’ll try to get a photo of the stars for u meanwhile this man won’t even text me unless i text him and even then he responds twenty hours later with one message and no intention of continuing the convo so really i’m the idiot here -----

truly don’t feel like i’m making outlandish requests but this mf still can’t do anything lmfao i wish i was dating someone and they were nice to me -----

this is self harm. and i know it is and i need to stop like this is embarrassing and bad and a waste of time

august 29- september 24, 2023

i don’t think i am a good person. noah essentially ended up thinking i was insane and dustin couldn’t deal w me and this guy absolutely cannot either. i’m giving it like one month. i don’t even know if i like him. i don’t think i ever actually liked anyone except dustin. like i actually cared abt whether he did well or if he was happy. i obviously care what all of them think of me but i truly don’t think idk. i think i ruin every good thing that happens to me and i only attract ruined things . there is no way that this man is ever gonna actually ask me to be his gf or tell me he loves me and honestly that’s probably better. the thing is if he said it idk what i’d do. i don’t think i’ve ever meant it except for dustin but we never even said it. i knew him for a year and he still was a good person. other than being a lying scumbag. maybe i just bring out the worst in ppl. i cant fathom making it past 20. i don’t think i have the energy for it. and christ im mentally ill. i’m writing all of this because he left me on read because i got mad because i lied. truly scum of the earth . i don’t understand why i can’t just be happy and stable and normal and successful and nice. like what the fuck is the point ok im becoming edgy nvm -----

i don’t think anyone is ever going to press lavendar for me again

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all i want is to be happy like why is it so hard -----

he has left me on read. it would be so silly if i got ghosted the day after he said we’d still be going out on halloween. very dustin of him

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saw them together holding hands and stuff and maybe it hurt less because i don’t know him at all anymore but it still hurt because i did and couldve

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i’ve been on the verge of a panic attack for the last like four hours and idk why. maybe it’s the espresso and i just have heart palpitations or smth but i’m unwell ! i am also violently upset and stressed but it’s fine who cares

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truly never been closer to ending my life

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it was noah’s bday and i didn’t even think abt it. go me. he got a david bowie tattoo. also i may be pregnant which would be fucking atrocious but we’ll see cam is such a red flag in like every possible way idk what there even is to like abt him other than him being attracted to me and funny and british and like kinda pretty. like personality wise or relationship wise idk if there’s anything positive there. maybe it’s a placeholder so i don’t feel alone. but that’s not supposed to come w the stress of being pregnant

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(i think) i got my period

july 7- august 27, 2023

dear lord this fucking hurts. all his stupid fuckinf pictures on her dads account? it’s painful. and so is the fact that i still like the stuffy he got me. like i shouldn’t because there’s no care behind it. idk. i hate him for not staying and i hate myself for not being able to leave

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the thing is that i have so many good memories with him and like. noah and i were happy, sure but we didn’t rly know eachother. we saw eachother once a week. i saw him every fucking day and i talked to him constantly, not as much as she fucking is obv, but like we KNEW eachother. or at least i thought we did. like it’s weird to have all of this and still walk away because it’s like idk its like just having a limb taken off and he has it and idk what to do without it i hate that even though i tried so fucking hard to distance myself i’m still like this. i hate that i still think i cohld make him happy. i just hate change and this is a rly shitty one and yeah it’s been like five whole months but jesus christ it still hurts. i had the summer with him last year and now they’re together fuckinf constantly. and yeah he’s allowed to do that and i’m happy for. no i’m not i’m not gonna lie abt this. i’m not happy for him. i’m upset that he’s happy without me and he doesn’t care that i’m unhappy and that he didn’t try to make it work -----

kidnation h2o crossy road flying gorilla episode fireboy and watergirl sometimes i don’t wanna be happy ho flo flu sketchbook walking to school walking home from school the bench at the community centre the spot at pg rush hoodie i have two of those squiggles wombat song cabin cookies double it and add fifty

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i think this is the most red flags i’ve ever ignored lmfao this is gonna backfire into my dumb little face. he’s volatile and rude and emotionally unavailable and does not care abt me and is older -----

maybe it’s not unfair and i’m just a whiny bitch but why does she get the one i wanted. the one who was so fuckinf sweet to me all the time and actually cared abt me and i actually cared abt him. -----

i’m essentially wasting my life on smth that won’t work and i’m ruining my future and my self esteem