"you know they feed us here, right? like, they provide free meals. that's part of the contract we signed." jinyoung has always wondered just what goes on in kou's head but he's never thought to worry about what goes on in kou'd stomach. the fact that he brings a lunch box to work with him at all is strange now that jinyoung thinks about it. "they are feeding you, right?"

the pair are quickly distracted by the cats again anyway, watching them lap up the food with voracious enthusiasm. jinyoung risks reaching out to touch one, the creature shying away at first but ultimately deciding he's no threat. she's purring between mouthfuls of food a moment later. "it's just basic courtesy," jinyoung rolls his eyes good-naturedly. "cats just want respect, you know? just slapping any shallow name on them isn't super respectful."

he notes the way the one he's not petting stops to eye their surroundings for a moment before swallowing and continuing her meal. he feels the way the other leans into his touch as he scratches behind her ears. "i'd call her watch," he points out the mindful one. "since she's on high-alert. and this one... princess. because it's how she deserves to be treated."

kou's weird, but at least his heart is in the right place. jinyoung's eyes glance over at the other man as he muses to himself, risking a pet on the creatures as well. "you could," jinyoung suggests. "it's defiitely more comfortable there than the streets."

sure, jinyoung himself used to carry around kibble whenever he could afford it. that was easy to store in ziploc bags in his backpack or something and never felt that weird. but for some reason, watching kou pull out not one but two whole cans of cat food is utterly baffling to him. those cans aren't light and every indication seems to point to kou having more stashed away in there.

"is that your lunch or something?" jinyoung immediately questions. he's heard of people eating canned pet food when money is tight, but these days pet food is just as expensive as human-grade nonperishables. could kou have finally lost the last of his marbles and resorted to feeding himself like a cat in hopes of getting over his allergies to them?

"i mean, food's food. they'll be happy for anything." and jinyoung is right by the way the cats cautiously approach the meal, slowly at first and then with a voracious appetite once they've established that the offerings from the humans are safe. jinyoung wonders if he should ask kou why he's carrying around tins of cat food. maybe he doesn't want to know the answer.

at least the other man agrees they should do this more often, fatten the kitties up and maybe even restore their trust in humans. jinyoung's pride and joy is picking a scared cat up off the street and finding a shelter or vet who will help rehome the animal. it's only happened a few scarce times, but it brings him joy nonetheless. "you can't name a cat you just met," he scolds his human companion. "we should get to know them a little better first, don't you think?"

aftermath.

@renxbe

jinyoung hasn't watched a single episode of next gen. he has however, stumbled across clips on twitter and instagram and the like. nothing crazy, for the most part, just fans squealing over moments from their favorite contestants, demanding a contract for them now! he's seen some of the performances and auditions, though he really stopped paying attention to anything as soon as his sister dropped out of the competition. he still doesn't quite understand why, but he respects her decisions anyway.

it's completely by coincidence that jinyoung learns what became of the studio delta teams in the latest episode. he heard whispers of it in the halls, fellow trainees remarking on what a scary ceo they have. it appeared on jinyoung's timeline not an hour later, the full cut of the rant and particularly the words hurled at ren and dohyun.

his lips press together tightly.

this isn't going to go well.

jinyoung knows it's been a few days since this all happened; it's been a few days since the episode itself aired after all. and yet he can't imagine that this is something that ren or dohyun would so easily brush off. he knows them, he knows they're sensitive in their own ways. he's never been much of a comforting figure, but something tells him he needs to check in, make sure they're okay.

he finds ren first, relieved of his filming responsibilities based on the late hour and the fact that jinyoung is actually able to approach him in a practice room. honestly, he probably would have preferred to talk to dohyun first, to get his mistakes out with someone who would be a little more forgiving, but... well, he owes ren. if this is a way he can start to pay that back, he has no choice but to move forward.

"hey," he calls out, trying not to startle the other man. "you good? can i join you?"

joomi is quiet. despite the cheeriness that jinyoung had been sporting even during his confrontation, he can't help but feel a winter like chill dousing his smile. it fades, slowly, until it's hardly even there at all anymore. it's so unlike joomi to be quiet, the man usually saying so much that jinyoung tunes half of it out. if he's so tongue tied now... well, jinyoung can only assume that something must actually be wrong. he wonders, briefly, if this is a can of worms he should have left alone instead of letting it spill everywhere.

i'm ignoring everyone, joomi finally says. but i'm not everyone, am i? jinyoung wants to ask, the words never finding their way to his lips. "why would you do that?" he questions instead, his brow now knitting together in a frown. there is genuine worry somewhere in there. he's still not used to having the capacity to care about anyone's feelings other than his own. it's hard not to just demand access to joomi's deepest thoughts, to retain some modicum of civilized behavior that his therapist would approve of.

i don't know, joomi continues, and jinyoung's only more confused. he apologizes, he rubs at his face like he wants to tear it off, he's visibly agitated and jinyoung cannot for the life of him figure out why. he supposes that shouldn't be a shock, though; he could hardly figure out his own emotions half of the time, why would he be any good at reading someone else's? all he knows is joomi is distressed. about what, about who, he hasn't the faintest idea. for once, jinyoung can't think of anything he's done lately that might possibly be his fault. so maybe he's not mad at him, maybe he really is just a casualty of whatever unrelated thing joomi is going through.

"is it your family?" jinyoung guesses aloud, the one thing he knows about joomi that might be causing this sort of angst. they're alike in that way; family holidays are spent anywhere but with family (except for sooyoung, in jinyoung's case). maybe something happened. maybe joomi is feeling some sort of anger or regret. "is there anything i can do?" probably not, he already assumes. that sort of thing makes you want to curl up and hide away and try to pretend that your failure of a life doesn't exist. jinyoung would know.

but joomi surprises him again, inviting him over and saying he needs to talk about something. it makes jinyoung uneasy, a little wary of whatever it is that joomi wants to say. "it's not something super serious, is it?" he half-jokes, though a larger part of him is begging that whatever topic joomi has in mind isn't something earth-shattering or world-changing. jinyoung's good right now, but it's taken so long to get back to this place. he doesn't want to spiral out of control again now. "i'm actually on a very strict no-serious-conversations diet, doctor's orders."

"but okay," he sighs, knowing he'll relent before joomi even responds. jinyoung would be up half the night anyway wondering what the hell is wrong. at least this way he can get some answers, if not put everything back to normal sooner than later. he'd never thought he'd say it, but he kind of misses joomi.

joomi knows, logically, that the worst thing to do when you feel soul-crushing loneliness is to isolate yourself more. he also knows, historically, he is the only person he can trust. when it feels like he's lost everyone around him, it's easiest to resort to the joomi he always needed to be to survive: cold. distant. fine – good, even – on his own.

it doesn't work this time. he can't go back to how things were before, after feeling the warmth in his life that he has. the joomi he used to be hurts. he wore armor back then, with razor-tight defenses. now, he feels like all the people that matter to him poked holes in him to weasel themselves into, and there isn't enough support for him to do anything other than collapse when they're all gone.

it's not permanent. once next gen is over, ren and dohyun will return, and stevie may be a trainee, and things will be better. maybe they'll be better than before. it just sucks for now, and he can't help but feel like he's being horribly dramatic. thinking that doesn't change anything, though; he still feels how he feels, plus an added dose of shame for feeling how he feels, so he tries to let it go. everything feels like shit. sometimes it doesn't matter why. it just does.

moon jinyoung is the one that started it all. joomi has been carrying some stupid raincloud around with him since december, despite all of his efforts to remain a supportive presence by jinyoung's side through it all. not being able to train with ren and dohyun is just too much. it's so much that he doesn't even notice the way jinyoung comes back to himself, his former light drifting back in like the spring weather.

he's dancing when jinyoung barges in on him – something joomi has been doing a lot these days. writing songs while he so vividly feels ren and dohyun's absence is depressing, but there's something cathartic about movement.

joomi stops moving when jinyoung enters, somehow still surprised he'd come find him of his own volition. he comes with a purpose, though: are you mad at me?

joomi can't help but recognize the irony of the situation – the way jinyoung ignored him for weeks in december with no explanation until joomi asked him if he did something wrong. jinyoung said he just needed space then. joomi has half the mind to repeat the words jinyoung said then back to him now, verbatim. he thought back then it was fine. he was just worried about jinyoung. months down the road, and multiple talks with his therapist later, he now knows it actually really hurt.

are you mad at me? joomi stays quiet and just stares at jinyoung, probably for too long. "i'm ignoring everyone," he points out, and it's true, but he knows jinyoung won't be satisfied without an answer. maybe. that's the real answer. he knows it's not really fair to be mad at jinyoung, though. he likes to think if jinyoung had more control over the situation he would've handled it with more care, but...joomi doesn't know. even now, joomi wonders if jinyoung is only here because it's weird to not have joomi hovering around him, more than as a friend that actually cares about him.

"i don't know," he sighs at last, because it's the truth. he runs a hand down his face. "not really," and it's probably confusing. fuck, it's confusing to joomi. he can't imagine what it must feel like to jinyoung. "sorry, i just –" he lets his hands flop down at his sides. he hesitates. he looks at jinyoung, and thinks of the notebook full of confessions to him on a shelf in his bedroom; the variations of all the things he wanted to say to him but couldn't.

"actually...do you want to come over? there's some stuff i should probably talk to you about."

the loudest silence.

@bejoomi

jinyoung, for the first time in a very long time, is doing well. he's brighter these days, a sort of weightlessness about him that wasn't there before. he couldn't tell anyone exactly what the difference was, even if they're one of the very select few who know he's been taking advantage of studio delta's mental health and counseling services. maybe it's just... acceptance finally finding a home in his heart. jinyoung always knew he couldn't change the past but that's never stopped him from trying to fight it at every turn. now, though... maybe he doesn't have to fight so hard anymore. he's not sure; he's still figuring it all out. but he feels better than he did at the end of 2023 and he supposes that's all that matters.

the only dark cloud in jinyoung's life right now seems to be... jung joomi. he sulks around these days, probably not unlike the way jinyoung did in december if he had a modicum of self awareness at that time. even when jinyoung tries to talk with him, tries to banter in the way they (almost) always have, joomi finds some reason to excuse himself, to ignore him, to avoid him. it bothers jinyoung, though that could also be the severe abandonment issues he's been working through with his therapist at play. she'd probably tell him to have a little patience and empathy, and if joomi didn't want to be friends anymore then jinyoung should focus his energy on the friends and family who do stick around, or something like that. for the most part, jinyoung tries to follow her advice. in this case, his gut tells him it'll be better to act otherwise.

joomi practices alone a lot these days, but at least that makes it easy for jinyoung to find a moment to try to talk with him. he finds the other man tucked away in one of the smaller, more remote practice rooms and lets himself in without so much as knocking. it's not so much that jinyoung feels entitled to joomi's space as it is his own minuscule form of revenge for being ignored—another thing his therapist would probably tell him not to do. but jinyoung answers rudeness with rudeness and plops himself down in front of joomi, searching for his eyes and leaving no room for 'i didn't see you there' or 'i didn't notice you come in.'

"jung joomi," he full-names his friend, though his tone is still mostly lighthearted despite the incoming accusation. "are you mad at me? i'm stupid but even i noticed you're ignoring me."

he crosses his fingers in return and finds himself genuinely wishing for haein's success. it's not like she's competition, after all, in the sense that jinyoung's probably not going to be considered for a girl group and haein seems to be an unlikely candidate for a boy group right now. even soloists of different sexes sing entirely different songs; they're free to root for each other as they please. "i think it will be," he assures her. "actually... it's the same for me too. did you know i auditioned for delta before next gen? failed that miserably then."

it is sort of amazing how far they've come. jinyoung knows there's still a long way to go, but looking back on the journey is amazing. he's not usually much of a sentimental person though, so he's grateful when haein finds a reason to steer the conversation away from the past and the places they came from. "i'm not sure i'm the right person to ask," jinyoung laughs, not saying what he's thinking aloud: that he's eaten pretty untasty things just to have something in his stomach at times, so there's not much that would dissuade him from free food. that, and just being a twenty-something year old man with a never ending appetite. "i personally think it's pretty good, though. and they don't exactly pay us enough to be buying a ton of outside food."

jinyoung shrugs with a smile. he still feels guilty to his sister even though he's picked up a better paying part time job to help cover their shared rent. it's still not much. "what you actually have to watch out for is the vending machine snacks," he 'warns' haein. "they're all healthy and stuff so they taste like cardboard." he laughs.

"three," she says once more to emphasize the journey she's been on. "here's to hoping that the phrase is true for me as well." with that, she crosses her fingers and shows it to jinyoung, a chuckle leaving her lips. if this didn't work out for her, haein would most likely be on a plane back to america. what she'd do after that, she didn't know and didn't want to think about.

there's a lot that's said within the short silence that falls between their conversation. she thinks back to the hours they spent at dance studios and suddenly seeing jinyoung at axis feels a little too surreal once more. "yeah, the sudden sunlight was definitely something i had to adjust to as well," she says with a snort before lightly shaking her head.

haein doesn't know how long it'll take, but she has a bit more faith in herself this time. her first company was a total scam now that she looks back at it, and she most likely just wasn't prepared enough for next gen. however, she thinks she's in a position where she's more comfortable pushing herself to achieve this goal. "so, is the food here any good, or will i have to run to a convenience store to handle my meals?" she switches up the conversation in hopes that these rush of new emotions don't overwhelm her too much.

sure, jinyoung himself used to carry around kibble whenever he could afford it. that was easy to store in ziploc bags in his backpack or something and never felt that weird. but for some reason, watching kou pull out not one but two whole cans of cat food is utterly baffling to him. those cans aren't light and every indication seems to point to kou having more stashed away in there.

"is that your lunch or something?" jinyoung immediately questions. he's heard of people eating canned pet food when money is tight, but these days pet food is just as expensive as human-grade nonperishables. could kou have finally lost the last of his marbles and resorted to feeding himself like a cat in hopes of getting over his allergies to them?

"i mean, food's food. they'll be happy for anything." and jinyoung is right by the way the cats cautiously approach the meal, slowly at first and then with a voracious appetite once they've established that the offerings from the humans are safe. jinyoung wonders if he should ask kou why he's carrying around tins of cat food. maybe he doesn't want to know the answer.

at least the other man agrees they should do this more often, fatten the kitties up and maybe even restore their trust in humans. jinyoung's pride and joy is picking a scared cat up off the street and finding a shelter or vet who will help rehome the animal. it's only happened a few scarce times, but it brings him joy nonetheless. "you can't name a cat you just met," he scolds his human companion. "we should get to know them a little better first, don't you think?"

"that's not true. they like me," kou says, stubborn as always. but jinyoung is probably right, he did smell a lot more like catnip than the average person as well – courtesy of working at a cat cafe. he breaks out into a soft smile as the noses of the cats start to gently touch the tip of his fingers. it's ticklish, but he finds it nothing short of adorable. ah... cats.

kou is almost completely distracted by the cats, until jinyoung speaks again. oh, right. "don't worry," he says, and he pulls out two cans of cat food. "i carry this around too... just in case." it isn't the most healthy food he can give them, but it's really the only thing he has on himself right now. "should i run to the store to grab something for them? something better?" he says, turning to look at his friend. he'll be late for training, that's for sure, but ... the cats. he looks at them and his heart melts. "maybe this will have to do for now..." he mumbles to himself. he doesn't really have anything to place the food on though, aside from his own empty lunchbox ( typical kou, remembering to pack his lunchbox, but forgetting to put food inside his lunch box ).

so he pulls that out next and places the food inside. he'll just get a new lunchbox, it's fine. or if it's still there during their short break, he'll take it back. his eyes light up when jinyoung talks about bringing them something regularly. "we should," he says, and it's probably the most enthusiastic kou has ever looked in front of the boy – aside from the time when they faked a relationship for a good discount. "doesn't that mean we should name them though? it'll be nice... i think," he says, leaning in to gently pet the cat. "any ideas?"

he laughs, pleased with himself for getting under haein's skin enough that she lapses into another language for a brief spell. jinyoung feels some sort of sense of accomplishment out of it— and maybe also relief that he doesn't have to defer to haein with the respect that she probably actually deserves. he thinks it's more fun this way anyway.

"wait— three?" haein explains quickly enough that there was another company involved with her journey sometime before she and jinyoung had ever crossed paths, but that doesn't stop him from exclaiming his surprise for everyone to hear. "well, i guess you know what they say about third times and charms," he shrugs, though he is quite happy for the girl. the both of them deserved to get a break eventually; jinyoung can admit that he's pleased that it ended up this way for both of them.

the smile on jinyoung's face softens, turns a little nostalgic and sentimental, in a sense. haein seems to understand what he's saying despite his poor attempts to describe it. likewise, he thinks he understands her. it's imperfect, it's hard to describe, and yet somehow they both get it. he's dreamed about being here for half of his life. now that he made it, it's all he wanted and more. there's still a long way to go before meeting his ultimate goal, but every day is a step forward now.

"practice rooms with windows was a hard adjustment, actually," he jokes; it was not hard at all and was a very welcome change of scenery in reality. "i'm not used to being blinded during practice, you know? i thought i became allergic to sunlight after all these years in basements." he laughs, genuinely jovial at the situation. "there's parts i think i'll miss. but then i remember how much better things are here."

haein quickly shakes her head at the idea of jinyoung calling her anything beside her name. while she would have loved to tease him, the idea of being anything but a fellow trainee here was odd to her, especially after what she saw at her old company. "god, no. that's gross." the last part comes out in english instead as she scrunches her nose up with another shake of her head.

"technically, i would have counted this as my third try. the first was with the company that brought me to korea, second was next gen," she has to stop herself to shudder because the memories of that still brought some chills up her back, "and now this. i wouldn't say it would have been easy to give up, but i might have," she admits with a shrug, nudging his arm off of her at the same time. haein says this all lightheartedly now, but to be completely honest, she does think she would have just flown home if this chance didn't come to her.

she's already spent so many years trying this whole idol thing out. if it didn't work out this time, she would've decided that she just wasn't meant to go down this road. she can't help but let out another chuckle at how confident jinyoung sounds, but she appreciates his own efforts at trying to comfort her.

"i get it," is all she says before she looks up at jinyoung and gives him a single nod. "this feels more like me as well." haein's not sure if she's getting her point across, but she feels a lot more comfortable here at sr media than she did back at her old company. "the shiny lights definitely help too, if you ask me. so much flashier than all those basement studios we used to be in." she says that, but she knows there's a sudden nostalgia about all those dance studios that stick around for people like her and jinyoung.

it's amazing how for once, kou looks like he actually has a brain in his head. jinyoung's used to the utterly lifeless stare out of the other man, never really sure if there's a functional human being inside that shell, not a thought going on. he lights up in front of the very things that apparently could kill him. not that jinyoung doesn't get it. he's always liked cats too, their independence, strong personalities, and grace. he just still finds it a little odd that he and kou have anything in common other than faking relationships to get deals.

he also squats down, closer to eye-level with the creatures, and tries to beckon them over. they're not terribly friendly, as one might expect from feral strays, but they do approach the two humans with caution. they probably smell the food on them.

"i think they were responding to those treats, not to you," jinyoung points out, not at all afraid to burst kou's bubble. he's always realistic with himself like this too. back when he used to always carry around treats and kibble just in case, he never deluded himself into thinking every single animal loved him. what they really love is food. "we should really get them actual food and not just treats. it'll make them sick if that's all they're getting," he points out, though that will have to wait for later. as kou points out, they're going to be late to practice any minute. "if these guys hang around here a lot, maybe we can start bringing them something regularly."

cats starter for @bejinyoung

"i love cats," kou says, practically squatting next to the axis building. he doesn't quite care if he looks like a fool, hair tucked in his beanie, and glasses sitting at the edge of his nose. nothing can pull him away from a cat, not just a cat, but two cats.

he smiles, genuine, as he calls out to them with his hands, palm wide open. "come here," he continues in a sing-song manner, perhaps the most un-kou-like thing he's ever done in front of jinyoung. face no longer blank or deadpanned, instead eyes bright and lips pursed as he calls out to the animals in front of him. they do end up approaching him and he beams, turning to look up at jinyoung with a smile. "did you see that? they responded to me."

if kou wasn't a trainee, he's sure he would've been a cat whisperer in another life, despite his terrible allergies. "i'm so glad i took my medicine today," he nods to himself before he reaches out into his bag, scrambling to find something. "ah, here it is," he pulls out a few cat treats and passes them to jinyoung. "i always carry these around just in case. we should give them something to eat... look at them, so skinny," he pouts. kou pouts, at the thought of the cats not being fed enough treats. "it's okay if we're a little late for practice right?" it's perhaps the most talkative kou's ever been, but he can't quite stop himself, especially when faced with two cats in front of him.

"stuck is a good way to put it." it takes him a moment to consider it, to put himself in a position where he sees the path forward but doesn't know how to take the first step down it. jinyoung stares down the road, knowing only good things for him are at the end of it and yet... something keeps him tethered in place. fear, maybe, or just complacency with the way things have always been. he's survived just fine the way he used to be; why can't he continue walking in circles on the same familiar path? there are deep grooves in the earth there, perfectly shaped to his feet and his gait.

"it's hard to convince myself that i want something to change. like, i know it'll be better. but it's hard." another sigh escapes him; but less intense than the last. sooyoung, even if she doesn't say much at all, still always says exactly the right thing, she gets the rusty gears in jinyoung's head turning until the words can come out of his mouth more easily.

"you too?" he realizes belatedly, recognizing a sameness in his sister that he hadn't consciously realized before. they've always been like that, though; irish twins with emphasis on the twins part. sometimes jinyoung thinks that they should have been born together all along. "it's not... you're not dealing with the stuff i am, right?" of course sooyoung knows everything; she knows jinyoung broke down during training at the subtlest touch from an instructor, she knows what memories that triggered, she knows why her brother thinks and acts the way he does. there's no secret between the moon siblings, at least on jinyoung's side. fear grips him for a moment, terrified that his precious sister might have suffered the same abuse—isn't it funny how he calls it that now? he never would have before—that he endured. that he couldn't protect her.

jinyoung sits up a little straighter, anxiety robbing him of the relaxation he had leaned into moments ago. "are you okay?"

sometimes the best nights are the ones where you do absolutely nothing. and that's just the kind of relieving, mind-numbingness that both the moon siblings need these days. between all of the new changes and constantly changing environments they find themselves in, the one constant is, and has always been, the two of them.

sooyoung is painfully reminded of just how much she relies on jinyoung today as they both simply exist next to each other on the couch, sooyoung's favorite stupid reality game show playing lowly as a background noise to their companionship. she breathes deeply, slow and contemplative as her head tilts to knock gently against jinyoung's when he speaks. she wonders how easy it must be to be on a reality competition- how you can be as one-dimensional as you like without much real repercussion in the real world, how simple things could be for a little while, just to pretend to be different.

her brow furrows at jinyoung's quiet confession, and sooyoung almost wishes she didn't understand exactly what he meant, that for once maybe they were actually feeling differently than each other. instead she hums thoughtfully, half nodding as the contagiousness of his yawn catches her too. "yeah..." she agrees, though it's not really helpful or productive, but sometimes you just need someone to sympathize, and that's definitely something they can do for each other. "maybe you're just... growing," she suggests, "you're still you but bigger, personality and experience-wise." then she shrugs, because honestly, sooyoung is used to listening to everyone's problems, but still pretty shit at helping solve the big ones, especially when they're the same as her own. "do you ever feel like... stuck?" she questions, introspectively. "you feel like you're growing and doing these new things and stuff but you also just feel... i don't know...." sooyoung sighs, losing the momentum and ability to find words for the exact feeling she's feeling. "i get it."

he smiles, just a brief flash of lips tensing against his teeth, and yet jinyoung can't feel any joy behind it. at least he knows he's being sensitive, that joomi means nothing by saying he likes sooyoung more other than a joke and that he shouldn't take it to heart. he doesn't take it to mind at least, making the conscious decision not to declare that it bothers him. it's another thing they're talking through in therapy; not everything is an attack on moon jinyoung. it's okay to let things go, to not take every little slight as a call to battle and immediately begin putting on armor and spikes. realistically, people would like sooyoung better. jinyoung himself would probably admit that he likes his sister more than his own self at times too.

"yeah," he agrees lamely instead, neither laughing nor spiraling. somehow it makes the invisible tension between them worse, another weight added to the string that was already threatening to break. whether that results in an explosion or relief... jinyoung doesn't really want to find out.

joomi hands him the piping bag, or at least attempts to, and jinyoung shakes his head to decline. "no thanks," he chooses to lean against the counter instead, away from the cupcakes to be decorated. "i'm just a baker, not a decorator. you'll probably do a better job than me." how many times has he made sooyoung decorate her own treats for her birthday when jinyoung was too worried about ruining everything? ever since he blundered them badly he has entirely given up on making frosting look even halfway decent; he'd say it's just acknowledging that his skills lay elsewhere, surprisingly humble for a man who's usually a braggart.

what were we? the thought flits through jinyoung's head as he watches joomi, left without anything else to do until the oven tells him it's time to take out the second batch to cool. he hasn't quite told his therapist everything. she's nice enough, understanding about everything he's said so far, but he's not so sure about telling anyone related to the company about current romances, let alone romances with other men. he supposes she may consider it part of his issues, that it's another thing about him that needs to be fixed. jinyoung doesn't want to fix it, even if it's wrong. but it means he has to figure joomi out on his own, without the help of a professional who can help guide him to answers that continue to evade him.

is it simply reflex when jinyoung wants to graze his fingers over the back of joomi's hand just to feel the softness and warmth of his skin beneath his touch? is it only loneliness that inspired him to offer his pillow as the place for joomi to lay his head every night for the last couple of months? he doesn't know, which means there's the slightest bit of room for doubt that it was something else, something other than the desperation to be liked, to be seen. and if there's a chance that it was something else, then how great are those chances? jinyoung doesn't know. he just knows that he still kind of wants to kiss the man in front of him. he knows he misses the feeling of gentle hands running through his hair, the warmth of a body pressed against his own on cold nights. he misses having someone to laugh with; even though they're still friends, it hasn't felt the same. he wonders if that's a bad thing or not.

"i need to grab... something," he makes the excuse to remove himself from the kitchen for a moment, to put physical space and a visual barrier between them to try to clear his head. too many thoughts and memories linger around this place with this person. "i'll be right back. but, uh, shout for me if the oven goes off and i don't hear it."

joomi can't help but think of the last time things were this awkward between him and jinyoung: the first time joomi was ever in this kitchen, last summer, following next gen. jinyoung was folding in on himself then, too; making cupcakes and grieving a dream.

joomi knows better than to think that night and tonight will end the same way. he just can't help but notice the similarities, like someone rewound them into a different life. in this life, jinyoung thinks about his trauma and tries to solve his problems, and joomi knows he loves him. maybe they never hated each other, and maybe jinyoung never kisses him. maybe joomi has to learn to live with that.

there are far worse things to be than jinyoung's friend. part of joomi thinks this is good for him, too: understanding jinyoung's true depth and complexities outside of the hookups and mornings waking up next to him. it's a good test of his own motives. sometimes, in all of joomi's overthinking, he would worry he was one of the people objectifying jinyoung.

that concern has really just morphed into a new and different fear: is he only still by jinyoung's side because he's anticipating things going back to how they were? is that all he wants jinyoung in his life for? he's been doing a lot of thinking too. joomi always does a lot of thinking. he makes himself sick with it, sometimes. the only time he ever stopped thinking long enough to breathe was when jinyoung kissed him. he hasn't learned. he hasn't learned to live with that yet.

what matters most is that there's still time. he doesn't know why everything always feels so urgent. he and jinyoung's contracts with studio delta were renewed for a year; they have a whole year of seeing each other every day left to go, at the very least. there's no rush. joomi has been in therapy for three years and still has so much shit he's working on. how can he expect jinyoung to have it sorted out in...what, three weeks? it feels so stupid when put into perspective like that.

he just misses him. ultimately, that's what it is. he wonders if jinyoung knows how happy he was sleeping in with him on sunday mornings; that he'd never been happier in his entire life. maybe it's better that he doesn't. it's scary. it scares joomi. god knows it would scare jinyoung.

they're here now, though, side by side, over cupcakes, and joomi breathes. there's nothing wrong with going back to square one, and joomi does want to be here, even if jinyoung never kisses him again. he isn't sure why yet. he just knows he does.

he turns his attention to the first batch of cupcakes when jinyoung mentions them, and nods. he already got the icing ready in one of their frequent silent moments, stuffing it into the weird frosting bags he forgets the name of that he bought just for this occasion, because sooyoung deserves at least one cupcake that looks good and they have a much better shot of it this way than trying to frost it all with nothing but a knife and package of icing.

jinyoung thanks him, and joomi smiles at him, soft and sincere. "yeah, of course. i like sooyoung too." he really does. she's been nothing but wonderful to him. she's funny and warm and like jinyoung in many ways, but more responsible, and also...smarter. "more than you, actually," he adds, teasing, his smile widening. he's only joking, but maybe not entirely. he loves jinyoung, but sooyoung is just...objectively more likable. he thinks jinyoung would probably agree. he hopes the comment makes jinyoung laugh, though, and doesn't accidentally prompt some kind of crisis.

"do you want to do the honors?" he asks, extending the icing bag to jinyoung in case he wants to try his hand at decorating a cupcake first. "i can just fill a second one with icing anyway. i bought a three pack of reusable ones because all the others were like, 100 packs of disposable ones and that sounded really bad for the environment."

"wait, your second attempt?" any thoughts of getting haein back for teasing him about his looks (which he knows, objectively, are something to write home about) disappears as soon as a bit of new backstory is unlocked. he realizes, very belatedly, how little he knows about he woman he considers a friend. though admittedly, it takes very little for jinyoung to consider anyone a friend.

he eyes haein with a different appraisal in his eye; perhaps he does view her a little differently knowing that she has more experience than he ever knew. "should i call you sunbae?" his tone is light, mostly joking. but he supposes if haein says yes, then he'll be forced to oblige.

"aw, c'mon," he slings an arm around the woman's shoulders, chummy despite the meager history between them. "you really would have given up that easily? do you have any idea how many auditions i failed to get here? an embarrassing amount, actually. it turns out that this face doesn't give me a free-pass into the entertainment world." he can admit he would be disappointed to know that haein gave up, if the universe had dictated that. jinyoung thinks that it's good that things worked out the way they did.

"the floors are great," jinyoung falls for the change in conversation quickly and easily, never one to dwell on negative feelings especially those that do not belong to him. "i mean, i wouldn't say that i'm at home, it's still all so new to me. but it's like... this is where i should have been. if that makes sense." he shrugs; he has no idea how to explain the abstract feelings he has about this whole trainee contract thing.

she can't help but roll her eyes at the emphasis of his company, but she's proud to see him around the buildings. studio delta seemed like a perfect fit for jinyoung anyway with his creativity and all. "or maybe they were too mesmerized by your dashing looks." it's meant to be a compliment, of course, but she can't help but teasing tone that comes along with it.

"yeah, sr media feels like a pretty good fit for me as well, seeing this is my second attempt at this whole idol thing." her past failed experience as an idol trainee had never made more sense than now, and she's thinking that it was all building up to this big moment. "i did. you know, if i didn't make it this time around, i would have been on a plane back to seattle," she admits with a scrunch of her nose.

haein has never admitted that out loud, not even to her aunt, but it's weird how the universe works. instead of being back at her family home, she was in the axis building instead. "funny how things work out, huh?" she gives him a slight shrug before rushing to change the subject. "you look more at home than i do. i imagine the floors here are a lot better than any dance studio in hongdae."

everything hurts.

@besooyoung

the only person he allows to touch him these days is his sister. she's the sole presence in his life who he never has to second guess the intentions of, who meets him only with love and warmth that he can recognize and accept. jinyoung doesn't have to worry about how his thoughts wander so much these days, how he feels like he doesn't even know who he is anymore, how he's been forced to realize that his entire personality was a trauma response and running from issues he never wanted to acknowledge.

all that, on top of the physically demanding job that is being a trainee, leaves him tired and touch-starved on a saturday night, leaning into his sister as they sit side by side on the tiny couch in their shared apartment. he can't fall asleep yet, not when loneliness has gripped his stomach tight until it feels like a hard, cold stone in his core. jinyoung knows that if he asks, sooyoung will share her wisdom with him. he should be trusting his therapist, but that's one of the many issues they're still working through. he always finds that sooyoung knows how to explain things to him in a way he understands.

"i don't really know who i am anymore," he confesses to her, quiet as he closes his eyes and tries to make the world disappear around him. "maybe i'm the same person. i don't know. i feel like i shouldn't be but i also don't know who else to be."

a long sigh escapes him, letting his stress out into the world, only to be followed up immediately by a yawn. sooyoung doesn't have to say anything. maybe she'll say nothing at all. at least she's here. at least jinyoung doesn't have to worry about her disappearing on him too.

jinyoung is an optimist in his own way, at certain times. or perhaps it's just vanity. regardless of the cause, he chooses to ignore the sense of sarcasm in ahyoung's squeal, simply accepting that her acting like his personal fansite is a given and something that should be expected. jinyoung knows he's handsome, after all. he probably should have more fans that just one weird little girl. still, he smiles, pleased that she took his request and was sure to hit him at all the right angles, or so he assumes; he hasn't actually seen the photos yet.

he laughs even if he gets flashbanged by the camera in the dim bar lighting, blinking spots out of his vision from the flash. "my friend works here, i visit all the time. if you work here, how come i've never seen you before? are you lying again?" he mostly teases, knowing that even if ahyoung is fibbing she'll never admit it. he knows he can't trust half of what comes out of her mouth, so he just decides it's all a joke anyway.

"i'd tell you, but then i'd have to kill you." he speaks so solemnly that it can't be real; not that moon jinyoung has ever lead a particularly interesting life anyway. he's no super secret agent or anything, that's for sure. "no, but actually, it is kinda a secret. i think i might have signed an nda but i don't actually know what i was doing, i just kinda went for it." she'll probably figure it out on her own; jinyoung's ambitions have never really been a secret.

"anyway, my saturday nights are pretty free. you should buy me a drink or something, since you just got free modeling work out of me. just think of all the people who will come to the club if they see my handsome face promoting it. you're welcome."

ahyoung loves her job. taking pictures in itself is fun, but she honestly likes the entertainment she gets to photograph even more. musicals, concerts, whatever the fuck goes on at this club–– ahyoung loves it all. she's just meant to be the life of the party, as far as she's concerned. she belongs in places like this.

she's in the processing of taking pictures of the venue for a fresh update to their website when she hears jinyoung's voice, and she spins around to face him, grin instantly breaking out onto her face. "ohhhhh my goddd," she fawns, equal parts lighthearted and sarcastic. "smile superstar!" she does indeed raise her camera and snap a picture of him, getting his good side, as he requested.

she realizes no normal person would commit to the bit this hard, but ahyoung stopped trying to be normal the day she was born or something, and it's really funny. she took a picture of this guy one day just because he's incredibly attractive, the light was hitting him just right, and she's a sucker for a good shot, but it turns out moon jinyoung is a pretty fun guy. they've hung out some since then. not so much lately, though.

"what are you doing here?" she counters, with lighthearted narrowed eyes, and then she pouts. "i thought you were avoiding me!" it's all just a joke to ahyoung, really, as is life as a whole. "i work here," she answers more seriously at last. "venue photographer. i feel like i haven't seen you in forever. what gives?"

alien.

@bejoomi

isn't it strange how quickly familiar things can become so unfamiliar? how what was once taken for granted can warp and shift into something unrecognizable? maybe jinyoung could deflect, project, whatever it is and say that it's this situation that's become so alien to him; joomi in his apartment, tucked into tight quarters in the small kitchen, alone except for each other. in reality, it's jinyoung himself who doesn't quite recognize who he sees in the mirror these days.

if nothing else, this has got to be the longest stretch of time that he's gone without anyone else in his bed since high school. perhaps that alone would make the sultry, flirtatious moon jinyoung unrecognizable to many who knew him for his trysts and hedonistic tendencies. but it's more than just action, there's thoughtfulness brewing under the surface that wasn't there before. there's an attempt to connect with his sense of self that is not defined by what has been done to him, by what he has allowed other people to define him as. honestly, jinyoung still isn't sure about it. he almost laughed when the company therapist he was paired with told him that it sounds like he has trauma. surely not me, he had thought. but i'm normal. i'm not a basket case. as if his breakdown, witnessed by ren, had never happened. as if he wasn't totally convinced that he would only ever be desirable company for one reason and one reason alone.

still, it's strange being around joomi now. he's still here, for one, patiently staying by jinyoung's side as a friend despite the sudden halt to their more intimate activities, despite jinyoung ignoring him for over a week before he finally had to explain that he was working through something privately and couldn't bring joomi home every night anymore. despite the distance, despite the lack of touch and intimacy... he's still here.

jinyoung is still working out if the extra chill at night is from old habits haunting him or because joomi sleeping next to him was a different kind of warmth. he doesn't know if he wants to continue whatever it was they were doing just to feel wanted or because it's something that he wanted to share with the other man. he's never been the brightest and thinking through all of his questions, unlearning the bad habits his brain has developed over the years, is taking longer than he thought it would. not that he had any expectations for needing to do any of this thinking; he thought he was fine after all.

"the first batch should be cool enough to frost by now," he informs the other man, breaking the awkward silence in the apartment. he doesn't know how to talk to joomi right now, he realized quickly. so much of jinyoung's vernacular had been flirting and innuendos. and certainly there's still a time and place for such things, but somehow it doesn't feel right to fall back into that right now, right here. if joomi was something different than all of the others, then he should want to talk to him differently too, right? jinyoung just doesn't know what that sounds like, even if he had been doing it all along. sometimes thinking turns into overthinking and everything just becomes more confusing.

"thanks for helping," he manages, "sooyoung'll appreciate it. she likes you."

"ugh, don't even start," jinyoung has gotten used to it, but he never really wanted to dye his hair. he thinks he could have been happy bleaching it until it permanently turned gray if literally everyone around him hadn't been insisting he should dye it a dark, natural color again. "i was kinda going through it after that show ended and i didn't get signed. i guess this was sooyoung's way of pulling me out of that funk."

he perches himself on a miraculously empty stool at the bar; he plans to stay a while after all. "this place is probably so boring without me," he jokes, watching as his friend works with a graceful deftness that jinyoung can't even begin to rival. he figures that hangyeol must be one of the most popular staff members here. with a face like his and such pretty, graceful hands, he's probably turning up all number of men (and women, maybe).

"i don't know what to tell you, get better," jinyoung laughs, though he doesn't truly believes that he's stealing all of hangyeol's admirers. he likes to think that they attract those with different preferences, but he's been surprised before. he's not surprised when more than one drink is lined up in front of him, a cat-like grin spreading across his lips in satisfaction. is it wrong if he still enjoys the attention?

eyes follow hangyeol's direction as he scopes out the admirers who so kindly treated him to a drink. one, to gauge just how handsome mr. end-of-the-bar is (he's alright), and two to commit mr. rich's face to memory so he can avoid him. jinyoung's not that desperate for cash. it's hangyeol's drink that he picks up first, flashing a toothy grin at his friend as they toast before taking a sip. "aw, you remembered," he coos, though he knows that hangyeol never forgets a drink. "i don't know how you do it."

it's a saturday night in december, when the sun sets earlier and the holidays dig their shiny feet into everyone's hearts and drinking and dancing the night away is the number one pastime of anyone susceptible to the emotional encroachment that is winter in a big city. what it means for hangyeol is a very large payout after every weekend shift in the form of long hours, crowded dancer floors, and an abundance of hedonism that will fill his pockets through the end of the new year, and then some. it's the time of year, week, night, where he quietly foregoes breaks for that extra fingerful of won slid into the waistband of his slick leather trousers, and easily knocks back watered-down shots paid for him by zealous, adoring patrons, who don't care that he has sweated through his eyeliner before the clock is anywhere near striking midnight.

cw: alcohol

but even among the throngs of saturday's crowd of misfits, a familiar face is a welcome sight, and jinyoung's surprise appearance is no exception.

"what the fuck are you doing here?" he greets back, all smiles, naturally, instinctively sliding a paper coaster across the bar and tossing golden sweat-matted fringe out of his eyes, "and what the fuck did you do to your hair?"

before he even has to think about it, his hands are already working to pour jinyoung's favorite drink, his own signature cocktail, a concotion of malibu, mango, honey, and lime, that hangyeol customized just for him once upon a time, long ago.

"i was wondering who was stealing all of my regulars," he adds with a wink, easily pouring a small handful of varying shots, before presenting them in front of his friend with slick expertise.

"this one's from 'tall, dark, and handsome' at the end of the bar, this one's from the rich old pervert at table four, this one's from the bouncer, and this one," he adds with a flourish, garnishing the cocktail fancily before setting it on the coaster before jinyoung, "is from me."

"cheers," he declares, after pouring himself a half-shot of his own, and lifting it toward jinyoung with a grin.

"okay, yeah, i know you have to say that. but if you happen to see something you like in the budget, tell me. okay?" while jinyoung believes sooyoung's words, he chooses not to accept them. it's true, he knows, that the irish twins who have been attached at the hip their entire lives are suddenly experiencing separation for the first time. jinyoung feel bad about it. he, at least, is kept busy during the day, too busy to stop and think about his poor sister. it's not like sooyoung just sits around all day at home waiting for her brother's return, but she certainly has more free time to think about all the things jinyoung forgets about.

he gives her arm a little squeeze, reminding both himself and his sister that he's here, he's not going to ditch her for the rest of the day, and they're going to have a happy holiday season. for once.

"even if it's just food or something." he shrugs. they don't usually splurge on excessive takeout or fancy baked treats. jinyoung's only an amateur baker at best, really just using the activity to get his mind off of things when he can't take it anymore. sooyoung deserves better than his haphazard biscuits or poorly decorated cupcakes. she deserves better everything, but he'll start with the things she's most likely to accept first.

someday we'll be rich, they had always fantasized about it, about a world where they can take care of themselves without having to rely on anyone else who might abandon them. jinyoung still dreams about it. if he makes it big, he's buying sooyoung all of the beautiful things they never thought they'd have. "please? i want to get you something."

time to spend together has been scarce and far between since one half of the moon siblings was signed, and admittedly, sooyoung is only just starting to really get used to jinyoung's absence. it's both the most unsettling and weirdest absence to get used to, and she's not actually sure she wants to get used to it- to forgetting jinyoung's stupid morning habits or not really knowing if his favorite breakfast meals are still his favorite or not, or the absolute lack of the mere sound of his presence in their apartment most days.

no, she doesn't want to get used to it, that's for sure.

but at least today they can somewhat catch up together, window shopping like they always used to do, except this time they're both sort of, kind of, slightly enjoying the season. it's really too cold to be doing much today, but sooyoung is definitely not going to pass up the opportunity.

jinyoung announces his freedom for the day, hooking arms with her and declaring that he's going to get sooyoung a gift, and her head shakes with a laugh. "i swear i'm not trying to be that person but just hanging out is good enough for me." and even though she says a similar iteration every year, this time she's serious. time spent with her brother is probably the best gift she could get this year, and she's determined to make the most of it, cramming months into a single day if she has to.

cw: anxiety, panic attack

he flinches at the sound of something heavy banging on the ground, his senses seemingly amplified in the midst of his anxiety. but it's not a bad thing, necessarily; it's not crashes and bangs that work jinyoung up. perhaps silence would have been even worse. his eyes dart to find the source of the sound, unknowingly flitting over the scatterings of loose backpack debris now strewn across the ground. isn't it amazing how the human brain works? how something so sudden, something rather unexpected, can distract enough for a moment that he's able to hear ren's words and actually process them. for the first time he actually sees the man in front of him. it doesn't help, a new wave of shame washing over him as he realizes he's been witnessed like this.

there's some stuff here i need your help with. again, surprises. enough that the patterns are interrupted, the cycle breaks enough that jinyoung's labored breathing stops altogether for a moment. he stares at ren, then glances down at the pile of stuff between them. what the hell is this supposed to help? how is sorting through ren's junk supposed to make him forget about the feeling of being loved, of being wanted, and of being discarded after his convenience wore off? he struggles to breathe still, his heart still races a million miles per hour, but... jinyoung does it anyway. he obeys, struggling as he tries to slow down his breathing, tries to find the words that seem so distant in his mind right now.

"airpods," jinyoung manages, finally, words finally making their way out of trembling lips. "socks... snacks..." he inhales more deeply than he's been able to so far. "coins... pens."

it's not an instant fix. but it helps. jinyoung doesn't know how or why or how ren even knew how to do that, but he recognizes that his thoughts come to him a little more easily now, a little less fixated on the sins of the past. like a cycle is disrupted, if not entirely broken, and he's able to look back at ren with wide, watery eyes and be present in this moment, at least for now.

shit. jinyoung wipes at his face. he doesn't cry, he still didn't cry, but he feels a runny nose coming on anyway. exhausted, his posture relaxes from that tight, defensive curl and he lets his limbs simply sprawl out, tension slowly trickling out as he continues to slow his breathing. the ringing in his ears starts to die down. mostly, he doesn't know how to explain this. not to himself, not to ren, not to anyone. he doesn't know how to answer the questions that will surely be asked, not sure that he trusts even himself to hear the answers aloud, as if speaking them finally makes them real. he's run from his past for so long. why did it all have to spill out now?

cw: anxiety, panic attack

there is a split second where ren considers leaving the room to find an 'adult,' someone with more authority than he has, someone with more presence and superiority, someone with more professional experience on handling a distressed trainee having a tangible, painful breakdown in a practice room. then he reconsiders, thinking instead of how little he would want a coach or a company staff member to see him like this, if it were him having the breakdown; how much worse would it make it, to know that the people who had his career, his future in their hands had seen him in his weakest, most vulnerable moments. would they hold it against him? would they demand an explanation? worse still, would they call emergency contacts, medical professionals, the attention of everyone else in the building, peers and seniors and mentors alike?

no, he wouldn't do that to anyone, not even to jinyoung.

so that leaves him alone with whatever it is that is troubling his fellow trainee and whatever it is that he himself has retained from his own sessions with a shitty therapist and a less-shitty company counselor. the first step is clear: he has to get jinyoung grounded back in some version of reality so that he can make a more viable attempt at trying to breathe normally again. and he has to do it fast, before jinyoung's attack triggers one in ren as well, rendering them both utterly useless.

so ren leans over from his spot on the floor, reaches for his backpack, and upends it, letting its contents spill haphazardly across the carpet. a small wince crosses his face when he sees his laptop thud heavily among his smaller, less valuable possessions, but it is a short-lived moment: the device, he thinks, has been through worse.

"hey," he tries again to grab jinyoung's attention without touching him, voice quiet, but firm, "you've gotta come back to here. you've gotta come back to now."

he scans the pile of random possessions now laying like a map between them, cans of energy drink, a pack of gum, over-ear headphones, airpods, granola bars, fruit, tissue, candy, pencils, pens, loose change, extra pairs of clean socks still in their original packaging. hopefully it's enough, hopefully it makes up for the fact that the tiny room's soundproofed walls are otherwise plain, empty, beige, and vastly unhelpful.

"whatever it is you've got going on, there's some stuff here i need your help with. okay? i just need you to pick out five things you see here. easy, right?"