It almost felt normal

We went to Astana and we made love when we arrived there. She was stiff as a board but slowly came around to somewhat enjoying it. It's hard when I'm constantly thinking of her stomach. We walked holding hands and had lazy mornings. She laughed and made jokes and told her relatives about our future plans. Every once in awhile(twice) she made references to how she doesn't know if we will be married forever or that I had to fuck everything up, but it was really good. I did my best to be there for her. It's hard sometimes. I love her so much and I hope things continue to get better

Bad fight today

So today started off the same way last night ended. She was still upset so I tried to give her some space. I needed it to honestly. When I was about to leave though I messed up. Tried to have a sit down and talk to her, she started laughing at me halfway through and walked away which just ducking infuriated me. Here's where I messed up though. I usually would just leave but instead I followed her to her room. Stupid stupid. I tried to talk to her there but she just wasn't having it. Ended up her shoving me out of the way and her retreating to her kitchen where she threatened me to throw her glass at me if I didn't stop talking to her. I don't know it was bad. I shouldn't have followed her but I got mad which I shouldn't have. So now I'm trying to find excuses to stay out downtown before I head there tonight. I don't know anymore. I made that wedding promise to always be there for her but sometimes I feel like a punching bag. Hopefully tonight is better

"There's no point to our marriage"

Thought every day was getting better. Thought the walls were coming down. Thought we were trying. Everything that I thought AGAIN was a lie. She said last night that there wasn't any point to our marriage anymore. I couldn't talk to her for awhile and she ranted how I must have been talking and sleeping with ex girlfriends the whole time we were together. That hurt. A lot. Tried to end the night by just holding her for a bit and telling her I'm still trying but she doesn't care. She doesn't care about me anymore at all. I don't know what's the point of me being here

This morning we were intimate

It was early. Was half awake when I felt her. She was moving on me and I could feel her stirring. It started with me rubbing her chest and kissing her neck. I felt for the first time in a long while, her breathing become heavy and she made some time

Do I deserve forgiveness

Assel says something like this every once in a while. Usually it's in a joking manner but it's obvious theirs some pain in there. Like if I make a joke or something or try to kiss her or something she will say that I don't deserve that. So I don't know, I don't know what I "deserve" if anything. I can see that their is still some pain there. Another day is coming. Another chance to show her that I care or love only her. It's strange, I haven't wanted another girl. I don't want to be with anyone else. I just want to be with her for the rest of my life. Life is so simple now. Hopefully things will be better

Lying next to me

She's asleep in the early morning. It's around 7AM here. We had a good day yesterday. Assel went out to meet her friends while I met Jamison for a bit. Walking home was the best part as I got to hold her hand and make her laugh. She got a little mad at one point when we talked about marriage as she still thinks I was with other women. My therapist told me that I can't fight her over details like that. I can't argue that it isn't true because it will just make things worse. It kills me that she still and will probably think forever that I was with other women but I admit I earned that when I lied to her. I tried to change the conversation a bit and we kept walking and had a good night. I won't be going to Saudi for awhile so maybe Assel and I could take a little holiday somewhere to get her away from Almaty so she can breathe. I do love her. I made terrible mistakes that I will always bear. It was my responsibility and I know that but things are slowly getting better I think

I'm back

I've been back with Assel for a day now. Forget everything I've ever thought. Simply being back with her and sleeping next her brings everything back. For all of our shit, I've forgotten just how amazing and fun she is to be around. Just doing little things with her makes me happy: I love this woman and spending the days with her make me so happy. She is only letting me kiss her on the cheek and gets annoyed when I tell her I love her but I don't care. I'm just happy being back with her and she's happy too. Getting back will be hard and we will have setbacks but we are for once on the right path. I love her so much and I won't let her down

Stuck in airports

Landed in Moscow an hour late for my connecting flight to Almaty. Of course, the next flight they can put me on is in 13 hours. Holy shit. I scouted around for a good place to camp out in this shitty airport and passed the fuck out on the floor of the Moscow airport. Got a solid four hours though which is impressive. Talked to assel a lot in the airport though. I was a little heavy with the "I love you" and the "babes" but I seriously couldn't help it. I can't wait to see her again. That smile, that attitude, that everything. I love her so much. I hope she lets me hold her at night or at least fall asleep next to her. Can't wait. I love you so much Assel

Sunday I will see her agaib

It will be three weeks since i will have seen her last. Will she be happy to see me? Will she feel anything at all? I want to see her but I'm also scared too. Since I've last seen her, we talk less and less. When I leave her again will this happen again? I never had dreams about holding a girl's hand before. We have so many unanswered questions and I hope things will be better. I didn't realize just how much she really meant to me. Just talking to her made me feel better. And now I have a wife that barely talks to me

I always liked this photo. The way she smiled constantly this day, the way she got her hair and nails done. I've never seen her like that before. When I saw her for the first time I really had this "wow" moment. It's when I really knew that I was fully ready to enter this world of marriage. Of adulthood. Whatever you want to call it. I was ready to cross that threshold. Now I'm over it and she has left the building because of what she has found in my past. English class called it dramatic irony. I know what pain is like now.

Finally

I'm leaving. I'll be in the same city as her soon. Nothing good that'll do me though. It'll make me feel somewhat better though.

Waiting for her

Every noise my phone makes I think it's her. Every buzz, every tweet, every Facebook message I think it's her. Every single time I have hope and then I lose it. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME I stare at her Facebook message thing rereading that last message just waiting to see that green dot come on showing she's online. I just want her to be happy. To be ok. I don't know what to do with myself

Cried today on the train

Don't know what even happened. Just started bawling. 6'4" man just crying on a train. Nothing more attractive I feel alone in everything now. My best friend doesn't even want to talk to me anymore. I just want her to be happy. I just want to see her happy. I just want her back

Love this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dg4MZR9JW6A&feature=share

This is killing me

I want to talk to her. I want to know how her day was. I worry that she's not feeling well or she sick or she has a headache or something else. I miss her I just want her back in my life because I feel like there's no point to anything when she's not there.

Love her

It's as simple as that. Never even realized how much until I lost her.

That was the hardest thing I've ever done

Told her today that I won't talk to her. I need to give her time. I will not let my child down. I will not raise a child in a divorced family. Promise to myself Do it for her Do it for my family