Jason Todd's guide to shoplifting:

Big chain, free reign. Locally owned, leave it alone

Update: I am once again changing the names of my characters. Why? I'm going over what I have, and the vibes are off. I can not possibly continue writing anything until the vibes are right. No, I'm not stalling

Pt. 2 of Meditation

Can't figure out how to tell a story linearly? Then just don't. Most of the story happens before the first one. And this is a different person's perspective.

Noferu's birth was an auspicious one. The queen conceived at a perfect time. The pregnancy had gone perfectly. A perfect birth. An absolutely perfect beginning of life for a perfect heir.

I myself watched over the birthing and checked the newborn princess for any indication of poor health or ominous markings. Even then, she showed promise. A beautifully symmetrical face, unblemished skin, a clear sounding cry. If these things did not indicate an illustrious future, then the stars, and myself, proclaimed it so.

Of course, just because Noferu was born perfect does not mean that she might not gain an imperfection later. I am the chief seer because only I was able to predict her perfection and the prosperity it heralds. Should she somehow gain an imperfection, it would reflect poorly on me and those in my employ. I've ensured that she went outside just long enough to keep up her health, but never long enough to risk damaging her skin. Every precaution has been taken to prevent her from gaining callouses from labor or scars from roughhousing. The king, at my request of course, has overseen the expansion of trade routes to bring in the finest creams and soaps to protect the beauty I have worked so hard to cultivate.

And as we know, diet can greatly impact one's appearance. The princess must dutifully drink tonics with gold and bronze powder to keep her skin glowing and her hair a rich brown. Topaz is ground and put in her morning meal despite her displeasure and insistence that it tastes like spoiled food. We cannot risk her eyes being any other color, can we?

The princess' hair is my pride and joy. I concocted the perfect mixture of oils to keep it strong. Even when carried in her arms, it still trails the ground like the flowing trains worn by a few of the diplomats who visit. Thick as a forest and constantly combed to keep it straight, unlike the king's, with its patches of curls. Dear Noferu hates to have her hair touched, but we must all tolerate such things in the name of prosperity, yes?

And we cannot tolerate any imperfections, can we?

The second princess has far and away enough flaws for the entire country.

So when quarantine first started, I was visiting my mom. I was just standing around talking and I say "I don't know why I'm still standing. I really should either sit down or leave."

And she doesn't even look up from her phone and goes "it's because you deal with your insecurities by trying to be taller than others"

"I'm not the first person you've done that to today am I?"

"No. I've already told your step-father all about his trust issues"

"Are you perhaps missing having brains to pick at?"

So imagine Hannibal pulling off something similar and Will being all "do you want me to pretend to have encephalitis again so you can influence a weaker mind?"

Imagine having to explain the concept of cooks to an alien.

There is a group of people in the kitchen who have all come together to make food for others.

One human is in charge of supplying music. This is very important. The group cannot function to the best of their ability without music. The louder and more aggressive the better. The decision as to who supplies the music is a peaceful, often undiscussed one. This is the only peaceful moment of their day.

There will be swearing, yelling, and name calling. Threats to cook uncooperative persons or interlopers are not unheard of. Many have physical limitations that should make the work difficult and even more have mental health concerns. It is unclear if these conditions came before they became cooks or after.

The food will undoubtedly be good. But human tastes vary wildly. There will almost always be someone who complains about the food. If you value your life, don't let that someone be you. Complaints about the food are seen as severe insults to the human responsible for it and will be dealt with as such.

Complaints about the food containing an ingredient that is unsuitable for consumption for health or religious reasons will receive apologies and often a promise to do something different in the future.

If I was ever a patient of Dr. Lecter's I would have either transitioned so much earlier or be a murderer by the second session.

"Kevin keeps being rude to me and I'd like to throw him in the stew and really eat my problems but I can't"

"Why not?"

"I wouldn't last in jail"

"Do you not think yourself smart or capable enough to evade capture?

"Shit doc, you right, imma try it"

James tried to enlist Sirius' help convincing Lily, only to experience his first betrayal as Sirius wanted to name the baby Mark Hamill Potter

Remus was having secret tea time with Lily, trying to talk her into naming the baby after him

Super controversial hot take: I think that I should be in charge of the canon for the Harry Potter Universe. My qualifications are that I'm transmasc, have many good ideas, and I like giving people ideas that can turn into full blown stories.

I will provide a sample of the kind of canon I would introduce if I am placed in charge of canon.

Goblins have no obvious differences between male and female. They don't even have gendered pronouns in their language. The closest thing to gendered pronouns that they have are prefixes added to a noun to indicate if the noun is goblin, friend, foe, or annoyance.

Question:

So, according to Barbie Toy Lore, there are two Barbies and they are BFFs who have done literally everything together since the beginning of Barbie time.

Does that mean there is a second Ken somewhere or do they share the same ken?

What I'm saying is, Will could've exposed Hannibal as a killer at any time if he just spoke Cajun enough.

One well placed "sha" would've had Hannibal reaching for a knife and I stand by that.

My darling baby has a complicated relationship with the cat in the mirror. She wants to be the cat's friend but all the cat does is stare at her and yowl when she does

An update: Harry, Ron, and Hermione all have a new, unique to them, prefix that goes before their names. When a Gringotts employee was asked, they said that the prefix roughly translates to "You did what you had to"

However, when an American goblin was asked, they said an accurate translation would be "this bitch"

No, the goblins are not over the whole stealing a dragon thing

Super controversial hot take: I think that I should be in charge of the canon for the Harry Potter Universe. My qualifications are that I'm transmasc, have many good ideas, and I like giving people ideas that can turn into full blown stories.

I will provide a sample of the kind of canon I would introduce if I am placed in charge of canon.

Goblins have no obvious differences between male and female. They don't even have gendered pronouns in their language. The closest thing to gendered pronouns that they have are prefixes added to a noun to indicate if the noun is goblin, friend, foe, or annoyance.

For legal reasons that wasn't me.

The only good thing that came out of working overnight at McDonald's is messing with the stoners.

I can do a very good robot girl voice so at night I'd do my little speel on the headset and if they said anything about it being a machine, I'd hit them with the old "that's not a very nice thing to say now is it?"

This is the important part. Immediately after finishing the order you need to hand the headset over to the biggest guy there and ask him to say that he's the only one in the building and the machine took their order

I'm thinking about doing a monthly re-election to see if you guys think I should still be in charge of the Harry Potter world.

Let me know if that's something you'd be interested in

The only good thing that came out of working overnight at McDonald's is messing with the stoners.

I can do a very good robot girl voice so at night I'd do my little speel on the headset and if they said anything about it being a machine, I'd hit them with the old "that's not a very nice thing to say now is it?"

This is the important part. Immediately after finishing the order you need to hand the headset over to the biggest guy there and ask him to say that he's the only one in the building and the machine took their order

I said something that I think is pretty brilliant, so I'm giving it away for you to use

Good news: we're all on the same page

Bad news: we're all looking at the wrong book

I feel like a lot of my struggles with gender identity, sexual preferences, neurodiversity, health, etc. would've been dealt with sooner and be better understood if I didn't decide to think about these feelings for 10 years and just said something in the moment

@aroacejedi why would I ignore genius?

So you know how little girls are sadistic little monsters/ all about that evil witch stuff?

Some of Hannibal's early ripper displays were inspired by his memories of playing with his sister