Healing (Alexia Putellas x reader)
A/N: This took me a lot longer to finish than I hoped but itâs done. Grab a drink and get comfy because itâs a long one, in fact I think itâs my longest fic to date.
The world had its questions and you were well aware of the headlines.
Y/N Y/L/N quits football.
Where is Y/N Y/L/N? Here's what we know.
The best in the world has vanished.
If you find Y/N tell her Sarina is looking for her.
The last twelve months had been the hardest in your life. You thought you could prepare for it, that it would easier because you knew it was coming but that wasn't the case. The day it happened was the day your heart broke and as you buried her you knew you were burying part of yourself too.
You left the world speculating as to why you didn't extend your contract with Lyon, why you never signed for another club and more importantly people were wondering where you had disappeared to.
Both your club and country team mates knew about your personal life and the tragedy that happened shortly after the euros.Â
You missed football, of course you did, but you also needed to take time away to process what had happened. A return date was never set but then the world cup happened. You watched your team mates cry after losing to Spain and you couldn't help but feel partially responsible. The game might have ended differently if you had played.
A decision had been made. It was time to return to the pitch. You had offers before and after the euros. The only question is what teams would still want you?Â
The sun was setting in Barcelona as the team finished up a late training session. Most of the players stayed behind to take advantage of the free food given they knew once they got home they wouldn't have the energy to cook themselves.
âLucy your phone is ringingâ Ona shouts over to where the English defender is filling her plate.Â
âWho is it?â Lucy replies.Â
Onaâs face floods with guilt. Almost as if she shouldnât be looking at the phone. This sparks interest of those around her but no one more than Keira who sees the name on the screen.Â
âY/Nâ Lucy all but ran back to table after hearing Keira say your name âis everything ok? Where are you? Yes Iâm with Lucy. Before I hand you over promise me that youâre ok? GoodâÂ
Keira hands over the phone and watches Lucyâs face as she tries to figure out why you called and what you are talking about.Â
âYes there are people around me. Ok, Iâll askâÂ
When you hang up the phone Lucy does as you ask or at least she makes the first step.Â
âAlexiaâ Lucy walks around to where the captain is sat with Mapi and Ingrid âWho would I talk about signing a new player?â
âItâs not our job to recruit players but if you know something that might help the club then tell me and I will askâ Alexia wasnât stupid. She heard your name and now Lucy was asking this. It wasnât a coincidence.Â
âI canât. This is a sensitive subjectâÂ
âVale. Talk to Jona and if he thinks the player is right for the club then he can set up a meetingâÂ
Alexia left the training facility that night thinking of you. You were at the peak of your career, many people considered you the best in the world and if she is being honest she thought you would win the Balon dâOr, not her. That night Alexia watched your highlights for hours, even the ones in the games against her. You really were a once in a generation player which makes it that much harder for Alexia to understand why you walked off the pitch at Wembley and hadnât been seen on one since.Â
The next day at training the energy felt different. Lucy and Keira had a sense of happiness that their team mates hadnât seen before. They would gather around Lucyâs phone but then hide it when somebody came close to them.Â
Jona came walking into the gym with Xavi Puig right behind him and called over both Keira and Lucy. A couple of players watch the conversation unfold and tried their hardest to read their lips.
âIngrid, what are they saying?â Mapi nudges her girlfriend.
âTheyâre talking about Y/N Y/L/Nâ Alexia was stretching on the floor playing no part in the eavesdropping.
âHow do you know?â Ingrid asks her.
âShe called Lucy yesterday and then Lucy talked to me about the club signing a new player. I canât know for sure but thatâs what I think is going onâ
A couple of days later you landed in Barcelona, greeted by the warm weather and your two England team mates who kept a low key appearance in the arrivals hall. You stop when you are a meter away them. You didnât know what to do, you hadnât seen them in almost a year.Â
âCome hereâ Lucy throws her arms around you followed by Keira.
âWeâre so happy to see you Y/N. We really have missed youâÂ
You remain quiet as you walk to the car. Both of them fill you in on what the team is like and you make sure to remind them that you havenât officially signed yet.
âJona mentioned that. You want a trial training session?â
âItâs the right thing to doâ you didnât want any special treatment. You wanted to earn the right to play for the club and not just be handed the contract.
âYou could have not played football for 5 years and still run rings round all of usâ Lucy knows you the most having played with her at both club and country. You were too humble in her eyes so she took it upon herself to remind you of your greatness from time to time.
âI never said I havenât played football. That has been the thing to get me through the past 10 monthsâ you didnât mean to be a downer, in fact you didnât know what you were saying until it was too late.
âHow are you doing?â Keira asks from the front seat and you see Lucy eyeing you up in rear view mirror.
âSome days are harder than others and no day has been easy. She would be happy that Iâm here though. She always said that if I didnât go back to England then sheâd want us to come hereâ
You couldnât bring yourself to say her name.Â
âShe always did hate the french wintersâ Lucy laughs at the memories she shared with your wife.
Your mind goes back to just a couple of years ago. Lyon were playing at home and the weather was awful. You saw Natalia in the crowd shivering but still she cheered you on, she always was your biggest fan. Come rain or shine, your girl was in the audience. You hated the thought of playing without her being in the crowd but you also knew she wouldnât want to give up your career.
âY/Nâ Keira gently nudged your knee. It was obvious that you were taking a trip down memory lane and she didnât want to scare you.
âHuhâ you quickly wiped away a tear âOh weâre hereâ you grabbed your backpack and jumped out of the car leaving them in the front not knowing what to do.
âLetâs leave her be. She knows we are here and will come to us when sheâs readyâ
You were in awe as you walked the halls of Joan Camper. The things the team has achieved were that of greatness. It was a club that created legacys and you found yourself feeling something that you hadnât in a long time; excitement.
Lucy and Keira lead you to the locker room just as they were instructed to. The rest of the team were already out of the field which was part of the plan. There hanging in a corner locker was a training kit for you. You didnât expect it and you definitely didnât expect to have been given your number.
âYou did this?â You ask the pair.
âSalma did. The team knows you called Lucy and when Salma heard to locker room rumours of you joining she insisted. Between us she is a big fan of yours, bigger than Luceâ
âNot possibleâ the defender joked.
The boots were fastened and you were ready, well almost ready. There was one thing you wasnât prepared for. You looked down at your necklace. It was a simple gold chain that held two rings: yours and Taliaâs.
âI canât do itâ you slumped down in defeat and bury your face in your hands.
âHeyâ Lucy crouches down in front of you âthey let us wear jewellery for training, you can keep them onâ
You walked out onto the field and all eyes fell on you. You felt like a spectacle and you hated the attention. They didnât know the current version of you, they had only met the old Y/N so you channel her and introduce yourself to them during the next drinks break.
âI know some of us have met as opponents but this is different. Iâm Y/N, itâs a pleasure to meet you all, I hope I can keep upâ you make a joke hoping to avoid the elephant in the room.
âWeâll see about that. Iâm Alexiaâ She is the first person to you.
âLovely to meet you AlexiaâÂ
Itâs hard to explain the feeling when youâre playing football. Itâs as if you mind switches off whilst also been completely focused. It take a few attempts to get into the rhythm that is Barcelona football but you catch on quickly. It comes as no shock to the rest of the team that you play in complete sync with Lucy and Keira. The two of them even stay back at the end to work with you on some movements that you werenât pleased with.
Some players go shower but a few stay behind, albeit out of sight, and watch you.Â
âShe has a giftâ Alexia says to nobody in particular.
âNobody has seen her in over a year and this is how she is playing. Look, she is running rings around them. How is that possible?â Patri adds.
âDoes anybody know where she was?â Pina asks the small group.
âNo but I could ask Ingrid or Caro to ask Ada. They are best friends and surely you would tell your best friend where you are goingâ Mapi forms a plan in her head, one that she will soon find out to be a bad idea.
âDo itâ Alexia tells the defender âWe are a family here and if she joins us then we have a right to know where she has beenâ
When Barcelona posted a photo of you signing a contract on their socials the world went crazy. The media were relentless and the fans were quick to show their support for you even though some were skeptical about your sudden reappearance and new team.Â
You ignored them for the most part as they had no idea what had happened. You fit into the team almost right away and was enjoying every game with Barcelona. You scored on your debut and had been involved in a goal every game since. Months had passed and much to your surprise you had only been asked about the missing year once or twice.Â
Caro refused to ask Ada about you and Ingrid only did when her girlfriend became obsessed with finding out the truth. Adaâs answer was simple âI wonât tell you and if she doesnât want you to know then you should respect her wishesâ.
You remained a mystery though and for the most part the team seemed to forget about your missing year.Â
When the second international window came that is when things changed and you felt like you made a friend. Mapi still wasnât representing her country so she reached out and asked if you wanted to meet up for a coffee.Â
Anybody could easily be intimidated by the blonde but you liked her. She had this energy that made you know accepting her invite was a no brainer. That and you had questions of your own.Â
âHow did you know?â
Mapi places down a a small coffee in a glass; a cortado.Â
âI asked Keira what you orderedâ
A comfortable silence took over as the two of you sipped on your coffees. You found it funny the way Mapi looked at you then her coffee and back to you again. You recognised the signs; you were making her nervous. Why though you had no idea.
You decide to make the first move and you get straight to the point much to the defenderâs surprise.
âI spoke with Adaâ
This got her attention. You had your suspicions but the look on her face confirmed it. Still, she played along.
âThatâs nice. Youâre very close, no?â Mapi tried her best to look innocent but you werenât having any of it and the look on your face told her that.
âShe had an interesting conversation with Ingrid. Do you happen to know anything about this?â
She did. You know she did.Â
âNoâ you got a sheepish look from Mapi and you wondered if she knew how unconvincing she was being.
âI think you did. I think you got Ingrid to ask Ada about meâ
âLo sientoâ
âHereâs the thing I donât understand. I know you all want to know, youâve been whispering about me for months yet not one of you has come to me and asked me directly. You have been going behind my back trying to dig up information about a time that I clearly donât want to talk aboutâ
Mapi dips her head. She truly thought that her and the team were been careful but obviously not.Â
âMaria, I want you to put yourself in my shoes. Would you want to talk about it with strangers when you barely talk to your best friends about it?â
The defender thinks about it for a moment. You had barely left Lucy and Keiraâs side but she hadnât really heard you talking, you were always listening to what they were saying and replying when necessary.
âIt was bad wasnât it?â She asks.Â
âThe worse year of my lifeâ you confess and you can your throat close at the thought of the months in question.
âWe are in jail?âÂ
You cannot help but chuckle at her words.
âNo, I was not in jailâ
âDid you kill somebody?â
âNo, I did not kill anybodyâ
âSo no crimes were committed?â
âIs that what you have all come up with? That I broke the law?âÂ
âMost of us, yes. Aitana thinkâs you were in the hospital because you were sickâ
Her response came at the worst time possible. You spit your coffee out when you hear the midfielderâs suspicion.Â
Technically she was right. You were in the hospital but you werenât in the hospital.
âI wasnât sickâÂ
âClearly. Look at you, youâre huge. I mean you are big. No, you are strongâ
âCalm down Mapi, I know what you mean. Thank youâÂ
The two of you stay in the cafe for another hour. You take this time just the two of you getting to know one another. You ask Mapi about her tattoos and she learnâs you have a few of your own which are hidden on your back. When she asks for their meaning you promise you will tell her the stories another time.Â
You both walk to the metro station and by coincidence you end up of the same train. You get off before her and just before the door opens, Mapi grabs your hand.
âIâll get them to stop. You donât owe us an explanation, Y/NâÂ
âThank you MariaâÂ
Youâre not sure what the tattooed defender said but the whispers stopped or so you thought. They stopped whispering in front of you but little did you know the speculations were still going on behind your back. It is early in December when things come to a head and you snapped.Â
âWhat do you mean she is staying Spain?â Alexia asked Salma.Â
âThat she is staying her in Barcelona. She said she might go to Valencia for a few days but thatâs itâ the forward wasnât sure what to say or if she should have said anything at all.
âAnd you donât think that is strange? This is woman who used to love England. The fans called her Queen of England, por dios. How can she be apart of this team if we know nothing about her. She is lying to usâ Alexia ranted on and who knew how much longer she would have continued if not for Lucy interrupting her.
âAlexia, that is enough!â Lucy slams her fist on the locker before turning to her captain âShe has come to this team and done nothing but good. She plays well for us and gives it her all on the pitch. Off it she makes the effort and yes sometimes she says no to things but isnât that her right? You stand there as our captain but look at you, youâre nothing but a bully. I am ashamed to say iâm your team mate right now. That girl has been through hell these past couple of years and since coming here all you keep doing is reminding her of what has happened. You are obsessed with her. Look around, no one else is digging for information. No one is making her uncomfortable on a daily basisâ
âShe is lying to us. She wonât tell us where she was for over a year. She is hiding something and that isnât fair on usâ Alexia tried to defend her actions.
âIsnât fair? Are you really that self centred? You have no right to talk about what is and is not fair. I donât care if you are my captain, I wonât stand by you while you treat my best friend like she has done something wrong. You, Alexia, are a ââ
âLucyâ The whole locker room turns upon hearing your voice âI have given up on Alexia, itâs time you do tooâ
âNo! I wonât let her talk about you that way. You donât deserve thisâ
âNo I donât but ââ
âY/Nâ Lucy begs you to let her fight you case.
âWalk away LucyâÂ
A stare down takes place between you and Lucy. A few seconds later the defender grabs her stuff and leaves the room. To everyone else you are calm and collected but Keira recognises the look in your eye, you are furious.
âI want everyone to listen to me and listen good. My past is none of your business. To those who have let the obsession go, thank you. To those that havenâtâ you look Alexia dead in the eye âI want nothing to do with you. I will remain civil on the pitch. Other than that I ask you to stay away from me. Thatâs if you can respect my wishes. I know it has been hard so farâ
You quietly gather your things and try to ignore the multiple sets of eyes on you. With each second you can feel your chest getting tighter and you know it is only a matter second before you will no longer be able to control your breathing. You just needed to get out of there, away from prying eyes.
The hallway is the furthest you get. Your mind was filled of flashbacks, the moments that you tried so hard to bury. The past was not a pretty place, not the last year, but you know that it was only a matter of time before it came crashing down on you.Â
âY/N, are you ok?â Mapi and Ingrid are by your side, clearly the couple had left just after you.
âNatalia, she, sheâÂ
Ingrid and Mapi shared a look, who was Natalia? They had never heard you mention a Natalia before. Both of them didnât know what to do. Whilst you had become friends with the pair, they didnât know you well enough to cope with this moment.Â
Luckily for them Keira appears out of nowhere. The English woman clearly equipped with what to do.
âGet Lucy, now!â She whisper shouted and Ingrid goes running hoping to catch the defender before she leaves.
âKeiraâNataliaâ
âI know, I know. We can talk about her later if you want. Right now, I need to focus on me. Can you do that?âÂ
You nod your head as tears flow down your cheeks.Â
âWhat happened?â Lucy rushes over to you.
âWe found her on the floor. She kept talking about NataliaâÂ
âShe told you?â Lucy asks shocked. She knew you wasnât ready to tell them team but in a state of panic you might be let it slip.
âNo. She only said her nameâ Mapi says. She couldnât take her eyes off you. This wasnât a panic attack, no she had seen one of those before. This was something much more intense.
A few minutes pass and Keira manages to keep your breathing under control but youâre still not ready to move. Lucy, Mapi and Ingrid stay close making sure to tell anyone who passes to keep moving.
âWhat is going on?â Alexia asks with concern, a concern that doesnât reach Lucy in fact her asking is the worst thing she could have done.
âGet away from herâ Lucy is up on her feet and pushing Alexia backwards. She would has fallen to the floor if not for the wall behind her âThis is all your fault. You see this, you see her, this is what you have done to herâ
âLucyâ you reach up and take her hand. The defender used her strength to pull you up.Â
You, Lucy, Keira, Mapi and Ingrid walk towards the exit of the stadium.
âY/Nâ Alexiaâs voice is soft and it is only now that she realises she might have taken things too far.
You turn around to face the Catalonian. For the first time since arriving you make no effort to hide the pain you have felt on a daily basis.
âI want nothing to do with you Alexiaâ
A week had passed and Alexia started to worry about you more so than she wanted to let on. Lucy and Keira were visibly worried about you and kept an eye on you at all times. She was confused at how things got this bad. Yes, she knew that maybe things had been taken too far but you didnât show rage, your energy radiated nothing. You were numb. The Barcelona captain had no idea how to make things right with you.
You wore a smile on your face in front of the cameras and fans but behind closed doors itâs liked you switched your emotions off. Alexia asked Mapi about you but it seemed that even her closest friend was on your side. The zaragozian and her girlfriend had become close with you since the incident and Alexia didnât understand why.
One night she found herself knocking on Mapiâs door hoping to find out how things got so bad.
When the captain was let in there is an evident scowl on Ingridâs face which Alexia did not expect. The Norwegian excuses herself stating that she needed to go to the supermarket.
âMentirosoâ Alexia says to herself.
âWatch it Alexia. She has her reasonsâ Mapi jumped to her girlfriendâs defence.
Mapi leads Alexia over to the kitchen table and gets a glass of water for the two of them.
âYouâre here about Y/N, arenât you?â her captain nods âI donât know what to tell you. What happened in the locker room was bad Ale. We didnât leave the stadium when you thought we did. Y/N used everything in her to make sure Lucy didnât do something she would regret. I donât know what happened during those months but whatever we think it is, itâs so much worse. I shouldnât be telling you this but she kept mentioning Natalia, I donât know who that is but I think something happened to herâ
Alexia thought she felt guilty about the way things went down with the two of you but that failed in comparison to how she was feeling now. To think that you were grieving someone and her questions were it worse for you, well it made her feel ashamed.Â
She knew that she hadnât been the most welcoming. Yes, you and her got a long on the pitch and yes, you were ok at training but she hadnât made the effort she should have to make you feel at home in Barcelona.
âI donât know how to fix it Mapi. You know I like her, I think she is amazingââ
âYou were her biggest fanâ the blonde teased
âBut what if Iâve ruined any chance for being friends with her? What if what Iâve done is undoable?â Alexia ignores Mapi comment seen as though she knows she cannot deny it.
Mapi was at a loss for words. She always has had her friendâs back but there was something about you which made her want to protect you and Alexia was someone that you needed protection from.
âYou need to give her space Alexia. This week alone I have seen you walk towards her then walk away at least 6 times. Y/N even asked me why you were doing it. Youâre making the girl feel uncomfortableâÂ
Alexia mentally scolded herself for her behaviour which in her defence she did not think anyone noticed.Â
âSo space?â Alexia asks.
âSpaceâ Mapi confirmed.
Alexia found it hard at first because she wanted nothing more than to make things right with you but she did as suggested, she gave you space. She saw you start to come out of your shell a bit more as December rolled on. The day game before the Christmas break you were playing in Madrid and that is when Alexia heard you discussing your winter plans with Keira.
âKeira, thatâs a sweet offer but Iâm sure. Iâm going to stay in Barcelona, it is my home nowâ
The Catalonian took a little comfort in knowing you had grown the love her city despite the hostile behaviour.
âY/N, itâs Christmas. She would want you to be home for thatâ your friend asked.
âI donât know if I can handle going back for Christmas. It would hurt too muchâ
It felt wrong for Alexia to eavesdrop on your conversation so she leaves out of respect.
âShe wouldnât want you to avoid England. The two of you spent years in France and both of you said coming home to England was your favourite thing to doâ
âKeira, stop. It was our favourite thing. There is no more our, no us. Itâs just meâ
Keira could see your hands shaking. This is the first sign of your panic attack so she drops the subject. She does suggest you going away with them for new years and you said you would as long as it isnât in the UK or France.Â
The team had one last recovery session before the winter break and itâs safe to say when it was done everyone was more than happy to go home. You wished everyone a Merry Christmas and without knowing it, Alexia is included.
âFeliz Navidad Alexia, por tu y tu familiaâÂ
âGracias Y/NâÂ
To Alexia this was a gift in itself. Maybe you were opening up to idea of forgiving her. After that you quickly grab your stuff and run off to where Ingrid was waiting for you.
After that interaction, Alexia couldnât stop thinking about you. She also thought she was hallucinating when she saw your name appear on her phone screen. In the rush of leaving the training facility you picked up the wrong bag, only realising when got home a few hours later and your shirt had an 11 on instead of a 7. You texted Alexia asking if you could meet up to get your stuff back. Alexia, at that point was already at her motherâs house so she sent you that address and told her mum that you were coming over.
You tried to ease your nervous as you drove to your captainâs motherâs house. It was going to be awkward, this much you knew but regardless of the place you and Alexia were in, you wanted to make a good impression on her family.Â
The knock was gentle as you stop on the door step.
âY/N, hola. Adelanteâ
You didnât know that word meant but you put two and two together and guessing in meant come in so that is what you did. Eli leads you to the living room after telling Alba to go get her sister. Eli headed back into the kitchen and left you in the living room. You didnât want to take a seat, it wasnât that kind of visit so you looked around and a wall of photos gains your attention.
Alexia couldnât have been more than 7 years old. She was adorable. Next to her stood her younger sister and behind her, her parents. You didnât recognise the man so you assume Alexiaâs father works away a lot as you have never seen him at a game.
âThatâs Jaume, Alexia and Albaâs fatherâ Your cheeks flush in embarrassment at being caught stooping.
âAnd your husbandâ you turn to face the woman âI havenât seen him around, does he work in a different city?â
âJaume passed away a little over ten years agoâÂ
She is a widow, like you. That is the first thing you thought. In that moment you had so many questions for her but this is a woman you had only just met. Itâs not exactly the small talk she would be expecting. The two of you go quiet and you guess she is thinking about her lost love, just as you are thinking about yours.
Alexia comes downstairs, your bag in hand but stops at the door was upon seeing you in conversation with her mother. Alba nudges her forward but she doesnât move. The two of them watch you.
âDoes it ever get easier?â The question was out of your mouth before you could stop it.
The two sisters share a look. They had no idea what you were talking about and by their motherâs response, she didnât either.
âQue?â As expected, the question catches Eli off guard.
âLiving without the person who promised you foreverâ you turn to face the older woman with tears falling down your cheek.
âOh Querida, come hereâÂ
You feel comfort in her arms and for a brief few seconds you forget that she is a stranger. In this moment she is someone who understands your pain and that is more than enough for you. When you pull away you see Alexia and Alba, you feel extremely exposed.
âHi. You must be Albaâ you wipe the last of your tears and extend your hand towards the younger Putellas.
She swats away your hand and pulls you into a hug.
âSo formalâ Alba laughs âyouâre even hotter in personâÂ
âAlba!â Both Eli and Alexia scold her.
âWhat? Iâm being honestâÂ
âThank you, I think. Is that mine?â You point the bad Alexia is holding.
âYes. Sorry for the mix upâÂ
âNo, no. It was my fault. I was running late for dinner with Ingrid. I left yours in the hall as I wasnât sure where to put itâ
Alexia stared at you almost as if frozen in place.
âWas I not suppose to do that? I can go get it for youâ
âThis is the most youâve spoken to me since joiningâ Alexia was honest with what she was thinking.
âIt must be the Christmas airâ you laugh a little âspeaking of, you three clearly have plans so I will leave you beâÂ
Eli tries to get you to stay but you canât. The woman knew too much and even though shared the same pain, you knew it was only a matter of time before the pity eyes came. You also didnât know how much the two sisters had heard.
Alexia asked and asked what the you and her mother were talking about but the woman refused to tell. The only answer Alexia got was to be careful with you and that not all is as it seems. It seemed to be enough for Alexia but she wasnât giving up on you, not just yet.
She kept an eye on you over the Christmas break and just as you said you stayed in Barcelona. Alexia all but stalked your Instagram and even went as far as texting you some recommendations. You felt something towards the midfielder and it made you think that you might have been a little harsh on her. You made a mental reminder to speak to her once the break was over.
The first game back was away to Bilbao and it brought you the perfect opportunity to speak to Alexia as the two of you were roomed together. It was late by the time you got there so everyone went straight to their room.Â
âOh Y/N I donât know what happenedâ Alexia says as she swiped the room key.Â
âWhat are you â oh I seeâÂ
There was only one bed, albeit a large double bed.Â
You hadnât shared a bed in almost a year and you wasnât sure if you were ready for it. Now you had to find a way to explain this to Alexia.
âIâll sleep on the floorâ Alexia suggests and even though you werenât ready, you also knew you wasnât going to let her do that.
âAlexia you are one of the most important players on the team. I cannot let you sleep on the floor. Take the bed, Iâll take the floorâ
âY/N, you are important too. You are our highest goal scorer. I am taking the floor, donât argue with your captainâ
She refused to take no for an answer and you hated it. When you came out the shower Alexia was on the floor and it looked awful. It was almost funny and you couldnât help but chuckle.
âDonât say anything. Bedâ Alexia laughed along with you.
The room was dark except from the street lights then peaked through the curtains. Sleep wasnât coming easy to you and by the sounds of tossing and turning, Alexia was struggling too.Â
âAlexia, come sleep in the bedâ The thought of having someone sleep next to you wasnât something you necessarily wanted but Alexia sleeping on the floor wasnât fair.
âI donât want to make you feel uncomfortableâÂ
There was something in her tone. She wasnât talking about sharing the bed with a team mate, she was talking about sharing a bed in general.Â
âShe told youâ Eli had to have told alexia about your conversation.Â
âWho?â Alexia asked even though she knew you were talking about her mother.Â
âYour mother. She told you about what I saidâ
âI asked but she didnât tell me anything. Iâm sorry that something happened to your friendâÂ
You sat up upon hearing her condolences.Â
âMy friend. What are you talking about?âÂ
Alexia, now sat up too, looked at you as if saying you know what Iâm talking about.
âNatalia?âÂ
She said her name. Nobody had said her name. They knew it would cause too much pain.Â
In that moment you are brought back to the last time someone said her name. It was the 5 November 2023 in a hospice not to far from your shared home in London. Natalia was the strongest woman you knew and no one would ever come close to her in your eyes. Yet just after Euros she told you that her time was coming, that the cancer was starting to win. You begged her to fight, you werenât ready to lose her but you knew that you had been on borrowed time for many many years. The last person to say her name was a nurse as your wife took her final breath before she was called home.
âShe was my wifeâ you could feel your nose twitch as a ball of emotion built in your throat. You knew the day was coming when you talked about her but you didnât think it would come in Bilbao with Alexia now sitting at the foot of your bed.
The Catalonian knew she heard you correctly but she still sat in disbelief. She had no idea you were dating anyone let alone you were married. Alexia could do nothing but watch as you bury your head in your hand as your body racks with sobs. She wants to hug you, to hold you and to tell you to let it out but you werenât that close.Â
When you aggressively wipe your eyes you notice Alexia looking prettified and you cannot help but burst of into a fit of giggles.
âIâm going to go get Lucy or Keira or anyone else who isnât meâ your captain panics and makes a bee line for the door. She is stopped in her tracks as your hand grabs her wrist.
âYou donât have toâ
She didnât believe you and that was made obvious as her eyes dart back and forward between you and the door.Â
âIsnât this what you have been wanting? To know why I walked awayâ you pat the side of the bed next to you.
You saw the hesitation is Alexiaâs eyes. In that moment she wanted to respect your boundaries and you appreciated that but for the first time in a while the thought of talking about Natalia didnât make you feel like you would break.Â
Once she sat down you turn to face you and you saw the look many people had given you. She felt sorry for you.Â
âI didnât know you were marriedâÂ
âNot many people did. We never hid anything. If you look youâll see her in a lot of photos, she always supported meâ you get comfy knowing that this is going to be a long conversation âIâm a private person and all I ever wanted to do was protect herâÂ
In that moment Alexia understood for she too was a private person. She knew that she was in the limelight but she still kept herself to herself off the pitch.Â
âHow did sheââ Alexia stopped talking as soon as she realised what she was about to ask âsorry, I shouldnât have said thatâÂ
âLeukemiaâ you closed your eyes, took a deep breath and counted to three âshe first got it when she was six. We used to take the day off school to go to the hospital. She would call me her emotional support friendâ you laugh as you remember the way she made you wear a badge âshe won the battle only for it to come back when she was 16 then again at 28. The third battle was the hardest for her and it was the one she lostâÂ
Alexia caught the way you couldnât look at her whilst you talked about the hardest times of your wifeâs life.Â
âShe sounds like a strong womanâÂ
âOh she was the strongest. She went through so much yet you never would have known it. Natalia had this heart that was big enough to like up the whole world. I wouldnât be where I am today without her. She supported me in the youths teams, was in the stands when I made my Arsenal debut and moved to France with me when I signed for Lyon. She said sheâs followed me everywhere because she knew Iâd be lost with herâÂ
When Alexia sees you laughing, she joins in too.Â
âThings got bad just before the euros. I was so close to withdrawing but she begged me to go. She wanted to see me lift that trophy and I did, I did it for her. I didnât know how bad it was until afterwards and I made the decision to be by her side. We did all the things on her bucket list. A couple of months later she couldnât fight it anymore. Her strength was gone and the light was barely there. I was able to be by her side as she took her last breathâÂ
Alexia didnât stop you as you got off the bed and made your way towards the window. She could tell by the way your hand went straight to your face that you were crying.Â
âYou wanted to know why I walked about?â You turned to face her and in that moment, knowing what she did, Alexia felt guilty. Guilty for reminding you of the loss you had suffered.Â
âI walked away because I didnât feel like I had a purpose. For so many years I played for her. I scored to see a smile on her face and I won my trophies so that I can give her my medals. I couldnât return to Lyon without her and it felt wrong being in EnglandâÂ
âY/N Iâm ââ
âDonât tell me youâre sorry. You didnât kill her, the cancer didâÂ
You hated it when people told you they were sorry for your loss. Why? Why are they sorry? You heard it so many times that it made you numb.Â
Alexia could tell that you were feeling a lot right now. She wanted to be there if you wanted to talk more about Natalia but she also knew the importance of changing the subject when itâs needed.Â
âCan I ask you a question?â She looked at you with a sincere gaze.
âYou can. Is it about NaââÂ
Alexia shakes her head.
âWhy Barcelona?âÂ
It is a question that she had been desperate to know. You have now told her why you werenât ready to go back to Lyon but plenty of teams would have offered you a contract if you announced your return.
âI said it wasnât about her but turns out it was. Talia loved Spain and Barcelona was her favourite place. I honestly thought I would retire at Lyon but she always said that if she could pick a team I play for them she would choose Barcelona. When I decided to come back, it felt right to sign for Barcelona. Also, Lucy and Keira are here. As you have seen, I have depended on them quite a bit and I knew that it wouldnât be easy so having someone who knew made everything easierâ
You could see Alexia processing what you had told her.Â
âIâm happy you donât play for Lyon anymoreâ
âYeah, you might be able to beat them nowâ
Alexia stared you down and you wondered what her next move would be. Turns out you didnât have to wait long because a pillow soon smacked you in the face.
You both burst into laughter when the pillow fight turns competitive.
âWe really should be getting some sleepâ Alexia says as she stands.
You took a second to think.Â
âYou can sleep in the bed Alexia. I wonât freak out you knowâ
âY/N I canât. Not nowâ
âOh stop. Iâm not some fragile little doll that will break if she shares a bed with someone. Now get in bedâÂ
You pull the duvet back and pat the bed. It is only when Alexia gets in that you realise she is on your side and you are on Taliaâs.
âYou know this is my side of the bedâ Alexia says as she gets comfy.
You had your reasons for sleeping on that side. You want to be closest to the door in case someone broke in. You wonder if Alexia has a reason.
âGot to make sure no one comes in and kidnaps you. Buenas noches Y/NâÂ
You fall asleep that night with ease. You no longer feel the weight of keeping your emotions at bay and having Alexia knowing the truth makes you feel at ease around her for the first time since you joined the club.
From that day on things were different between you and Alexia. You found yourself spending more time with her than you did with Lucy and Keira. The two of them found it strange but didnât question it. Whilst the defender was still very much protective over you, she did see a change in her captain which lead to her giving her the benefit of the doubt.Â
Life in Barcelona was finally what you imagined. Even in January the sun was shining and the sky was blue, unlike the weather you have been used to. The pain in your heart was still there but for the first time in a long whilst you felt happy or at least the closest thing to it that you could feel. Alexia has invited you to family dinner which happened after every other home game. Her mother and sister made you feel welcome. You had become rather close with Eli as she would often reach out to talk to you and check in with you. She didnât need to say much, the fact that she could understand was more than enough.Â
Alba was quite the character and there was never a dull moment with her. She would relentless tease her sister and it had you holding stomach with laughter.
You had received some calls that made you think about a few things. You thought about talking to Lucy and Keira about it but you knew their decision would be biased so you confided in Alexia one night as the two of you walked Nala along Barceloneta. She helped you work though the feelings that the question brought up and by the the time you arrived back to your apartment, which you learnt was in the building opposite to hers, you knew what your decision would be.Â
During the game against Atleti there was a certain Dutchwoman in attendance. It was the second to last game before the Nations league semi final, a game that England has got to by the skin of their teeth. Barcelona came away with a 2-0 win and a lot of the players stayed out on the pitch afterwards to greet the fans that came to support them.
Sarina stood near the locker room and praised the team as they entered.Â
âAre you here for Lucy and Keira?â Aitana asked as she walked down the hall.
Behind her walked the two English women, along with Alexia. The latter knew to expect her, it made sense for her to come see you in person. The other two clearly had no idea that their national team coach was coming.
âShe isnât here for themâÂ
Alexiaâs words cause Lucy and Keiraâs heads to turn in surprise.Â
âY/Nâs still out on the pitch. She is playing with Ireneâs son Matteo, shall I go get her?â
âNo, I can waitâÂ
Just as three of them were about to enter they hear your voice followed by a childâs laughter. You walked down the tunnel with Irene and her little boy. Sarina saw just how happy you were and for a brief moment she regretted coming. She questioned whether or not this is what is best for you.
âGaffaâ you saw the look on your team mates faces and chuckled. Surely they knew it was only a matter of time before Sarina came knocking âLet me get showered quickly and we will goâÂ
âBut weâre going out tonight. Itâs team nightâ Aitana sulked.
âIâll meet you guys thereâÂ
Alexia and you shared a look. She knew what this conversation was going to be about and she was pretty sure she knew what the outcome would be and she was worried. You squeezed her shoulder and smiled before going into the locker room.
It was over 3 hours later that you finally enter the restaurant that the team were eating at.Â
All heads turned to you as you walked through the door. The seat reserved for you happened to be next to Alexia which you donât think was an accident. Lucy and Keira were sat opposite you and you see the look of suspense in their eyes. They hadnât officially been told what you and Sarina were talking about but they had very good guesses.Â
The rest of the team were having their own conversations and you didnât want to make a scene so you nodded your head and that was enough confirmation for them.
âYes!!â Lucy stood up suddenly and slammed her hands on the table.
âHoly fuck. Lucia, sit downâ Â
Lucy does as her told.
âOur captain is backâ Keira said to herself.Â
You tried your best to include yourself in the conversations around you but your mind kept wandering. You found yourself staring off into the distance. It is only when you feel a gentle hand on your thigh do you realise just how spaced out you were.
âIs everything ok? Did your coach say something because if she did thenââ
âStand down Aleâ Alexiaâs eye soften at the nickname. It wasnât a new one for her but you had only just started calling her it and she loved it âIâm just thinking is all. What if Iâm not good enough? What if I donât have a place in that team anymore?â You lean into her and whisper.
âY/N, they are your team. Yes you took some time away but you lead them for a long time and you told me they knew your reasons. It might take some time to get back into things but you will soon be back to how you were before. Besides if things go well for both of us then we will have a World Cup rematch on our hands and I want to see what might have happened if you played in the summerâÂ
Oh you didnât think about that. You hadnât given your upcoming opponents a second thought. Alexia was right. If England beat France then they will face Spain in the national league final.Â
You thought there might be some awkwardness when you walked through the doors at the England camp but you couldnât have been more wrong. Each player welcomed you with open arms and the players that you didnât know as much treated you like everyone else did.
There were a few moments when you got pulled aside by Sarina for what she called her mental health checks. She promised that nothing said between you would be told to anyone else and you chose to believe her. You were honest about how heavy the shirt felt when it had the England badge on and you told her of the nerves you were feeling about playing for your country again.
Alexia had kept texting you to check in and for the most part you told her the truth. It was the day before the match when you got overwhelmed and instead of lying, you chose to ignore her. You knew it wasnât fair but wanted to stay focused. You could bury your feelings for 24 hours. Alexia on the other had wasnât going to give up on you.
âAlexiaâ Jenni nudged her friends leg âEarth to AlexiaâÂ
The woman in question had her eyes glued to the her phone as you sent you yet another message.
âWhat do you want!â Alexia snaps.
âHey, donât snap at me. Who you texting? Is it a girl?â Jenni peaked over her shoulder.
âNoâ Alexia pulled her phone closer to her chest âItâs Y/Nâ
âY/N Y/L/N is a girl last time I checkedâ Jenni couldnât help but tease.
âShe but I donât like her like that, well I do. Wait! I donâtâ Alexia slumps down in her seat âOh Jenni, I donât know how I feelâ
Jenni hasnât seen her friend like this in a long while. Normally Alexia knows what wants and isnât afraid to go for it. This though is different. Itâs almost like she knows what she wants but she is hesitating and Alexia doesnât hesitate.
âItâs ok not to know but something is clearly bothering you. What is it?âÂ
âShe is ignoring meâ
âLast time I saw you you told me she didnât want anything to do with youâ
So much had changed since then and she didnât know how to explain it. In the end she told her everything she could without going into the finer details. Alexia confesses her feelings and explains that she cannot get a hold of you and that none on your team mates were answering either.
âAlexia, I may not know why she stopped playing football but I saw the way she played, she loves the sport. Her playing for England again is a big deal. Everyone is talking about her press conference she did this morning, itâs all over social mediaâÂ
Alexia wasnât aware of a press conference. She never goes on social media the day before a match because it is quite often a distraction. Jenni picks up on her friendâs obliviousness and gives alexia her phone so she can see what is being said.
Jenni was right. You are everywhere.Â
Y/N Y/L/N makes her return but what does it mean? Why now?
Sarina Weigman confirm Y/N is the captain of this team despite turning her back on them.
Beth Mead ruled out for Semi final, should be back for final if England are successful.
World Cup rematch? Y/N says that Spain wouldnât have won if she was playing.
Alexia read headline after headline, article after article. She was beginning to feel overwhelmed so she couldnât imagine what you must have been feeling. The last headline made the Catalonian laugh because she too had thought about what the outcome might have been if you were playing.
âI think the last one is a stretchâ Jenni mumbles.
âWe will never knowâ Alexia is ever more determined to get a hold of you. Just as she was about to call you again, a message comes through.
Hi. Sorry I havenât been around, itâs been a lot. Thank you for checking in on me Alexia, I promise you Iâm ok. Good luck in your match tomorrow.
âSheâs okâ Alexia tells Jenni as if the forward was the one who was worried about you.
The next day you wake up and are ridden with nerves. Itâs not a familiar feeling and you know that you need to calm down before the game or things will end badly.Â
Despite protests from your team mates, you will start the game on the bench. Itâs the right decision and you make sure to tell Sarina just that. Whilst the teamâs recent performances have been spotty to say the least, you refuse to walk back in like nothing had changed. You know you need to earn your place on the pitch with the lionesses.
Spainâs game has an early kick off and finishes just after yours starts. The team get back to the hotel and have organised to watch it the hotel bar. Much to Alexiaâs dismay she is called for Media seen as though Spain won and have qualified for the Olympics.Â
When she finally joins the team she knows that the first half is over but thatâs it.
âWhatâs the score?â She asks anyone who is listening.
â2â0â Ona says.
âThatâsââ Alexia is cut off before she can finish her sentence.
âTo Germanyâ Jenni knows that Alexia would have wanted England to win if for no other reason than you âY/N is going on for TooneâÂ
She cannot help the smile that tugs at her lips as your number goes on the subs board.Â
The world watches as Mary runs over to you and gives you the band.
âWelcome back skipperâ Mary pushes the band up your arm before you can stop her because she knowâs that is what youâll do. She was there in the captainâs meeting when you told Sarina that you didnât deserve the captaincy.
âGame on, MazâÂ
It felt right being on the pitch and wearing the three lions crest. You allow yourself to take in your return but only for a couple of seconds before you turn your attention to the game and the challenge that you face. 3 goals was a lot to ask for when Germany are playing as good as they are. It wouldnât be easy and it would take everything you had but you never shied away from a challenge and you wasnât about to start now.
After about ten minutes you found your rhythm and England were playing the type of football they are known for. It doesnât take long for LJ to make a run and dance around the opposition. You have faith in her but follow her anyways in case she loses the ball. She doesnât but Frohms does save her shot, she doesnât save your rebound though.
âGet the ballâ You shout to the Chelsea player.Â
When the match restarts, the lionesses are on the hunt. Shot after shot is taken but somehow the ball stays out the net. England get a corner in the 80 minute and youâre lurking on the edge of the box, ready to make your run. Popp is the one marking you because she has studied you new way of play since joining Barcelona. Chloeâs corner is pin point and no amount of research in the world could stop you from getting the second goal and tying the game.
Alexia finds herself up on her feet with Ona and a couple of your team mates when you get your brace.
âVamos Y/Nâ she says.
âYou do realise that we will face them if they winâ Misa reminds her.
âRight now, I donât care. She deserves this and Iâm celebrating my team mateâ Alexia didnât care if she might face you in the final.
âShe told youâ Aitana whispers as she pulls her captain down to the sofa âThat is why she doesnât hate you anymore and why youâve stopped interrogating herâ
Alexia does nothing but nod. Her fellow midfielder didnât need to know anything else and she doesnât ask for it either. She accepts that the reason must be valid if Alexia has dropped her questions.
There are 4 minutes announced of stoppage time.Â
When you look up the the score board and see the number you get flashbacks on the euros final. You have been in this position before and came out victorious. Today was going to be no different.Â
It was huge mistake by Germany when Gwinn takes down Hemp about a meter outside the box.
In the past you have found yourself stood over the ball with Beth but this game itâs Alex who stands beside you.
With her hand over her mouth she gives you strict instructions.
âYouâre taking itâÂ
Itâs not a question and you donât argue.
âYou have saved us tonight, now get your hattrickâ
The amount of faith Alex had in you did wonders but it didnât settle every nerve running through your body. Free kicks were your specialty, this wasnât nothing new and the pressure was a familiar feeling.Â
As soon as you strike the ball you know itâs going in. Itâs a hard feeling to describe but many call it shooters instinct, it had never been wrong and it wasnât now. The ball floated over the wall and went in the further part of the top corner. The shot was unsaveable. You ran over to the bench, more specifically to Sarina, to celebrate with the woman who gave you space and welcomed you back with open arms.Â
âItâs like you never leftâ
Her words caught you off guard. For a brief moment you agreed with her but you got hit by the feeling of grief, you looked towards the family section and there was no one supporting you. Maybe some things hadnât changed but a lot certainly has. When the full time whistle was blown your team mates ran towards you, all of the congratulating you on your performance and your first game back.
It was a weird kind of celebrations that night. The team was split, half wanted to celebrate getting through the final and the other half knew the job wasnât done, they knew that the biggest task was yet to be faced. Spain had beaten them before and on the greatest stage, the UEFA national league final could either repeat history and England could rewrite it.
The team travelled to Madrid that night, only hours after the game. Upon arrival almost everyone went to their rooms but not you. You knew sleep wouldnât come easy so you decided to wander the streets of Madrid. It had become a habit of yours, you would walk around and people watch. Every human had their own story to tell and it made you forget about yours.
You had no destination planned yet you found yourself stopping outside a hotel, the one you know from your text messages with Alexia, was the one the Spain team was staying at.Â
A lot of feelings were running through you and you saw this as the universeâs sign that maybe you should talk about them. You have confided in Alexia since Sarina first reached out to you, she knew more than anyone how you really felt about returning and you talked about this very moment, the hours after your first game when the past is very much present in your mind. You remember the words she told you âwhen that happens you call meâ so that is what you do or at least that is what you go to do.
âY/Nâ you hear a familiar voice say. You turn to see Jenni, Irene, Laia and Misa walking towards you.
âHi guysâ your voice is quiet, shy almost and you cannot help the way your eyes scan for Alexia knowing full well that these are the people she spends the most time with.
âWhat are you doing here?â Misa asks you. The two of you hadnât formally been introduced but you had scored a brace against her in the El Classico.
âIâmââÂ
âHere for Alexiaâ Jenni says with a knowing look and you cannot help but feel like she knows something you donât.
You can only nod. Apart from Irene, you didnât know these girls very well and the version of yourself that you show to strangers is very different to the one that your friends see.
âI can take you to her. We are roommatesâ Jenni seems sincere with her words but you feel a pang of jealousy. Everybody knew that the two of them used to date, it shouldnât bother you, you had no right to be jealous yet that is exactly what you were feeling.
You think about it and Jenni can tell you are thinking about it.
âShe hasnât stopped talking about you and I know she will want to see you. She was your biggest fan when we watched the gameâ Jenni added hoping to create some sense of comfortability.
âShe watched my game?â You asked in disbelief. You thought you had no one but maybe you did, maybe Alexia was the someone that was cheering you on but instead of the family area she was cheering you on from the hotel you were currently standing outside of.
âShe did. I think she forgot she was Spanish for a minuteâ Irene says which causes you to laugh.
âI doubt that but I appreciate the support. You know I shouldnât be talking to you, you guys are the enemy nowâÂ
âYet you came here for our captain, she will be your enemy too. Come on, Iâll take you to her. We wouldnât want you to be spotted outside our hotel, just think of the opticsâ Jenni once again says.
âOkâ you nod your head a few times to solidify your answer.
The girls lead you through the hotel but only Jenni and Irene stay with you, Misa and Laia walk ahead. The longer you walk the more you begin wondering if this was a good idea. What if you are overstepping your boundaries. You had no right to be here and could easily be turned away at any point.
You enter the lounge area of the hotel which holds the majority of the Spanish national team yet your eyes search for only one. She seeâs you before you see her and is walking over to you with a worried look on her face.
âEstas bien? What are you doing here?â Alexiaâs arm rests on your shoulder.
âIt was an accident. I was out for a walk and I ended up hereâ you explained.
âShe was asking for youâ Jenni says even though technically it wasnât true. In her eyes she wanted to play matchmaker after it was made evidently clear that Alexia was hesitant to peruse things with you even though she had feelings for you.
âIs this true?â Alexia asks and you nod.
âWe won, I returned, I scored, wore the armband and I didnât have anyone is standsâ you whispered so only she could hear you.
The look in your eyes changed. For the first time that night you showed your true emotions. Alexia didnât need to hear anything else. She grabbed your hand and escorted you to the outdoor seating area. She sat down whilst your paced the patio.
âY/N, come sit downâ Alexia pats the seat next to her and you comply âAre you ok, really? What made you come here to me?â
âIâm not ok but Iâm more ok than I thought I would be. Itâs been quite a day, that game was ââ
âIncredible. You changed the entire playâÂ
âIt felt right. I belong on the pitch with the girls, I should never have leftâ You didnât register that you felt guilty about your absence until you said the words out loud to Alexia.
âYou needed to. You had to process your loss and you returned when you were readyâ
Alexia was very understanding, you had to give her that.Â
âThat answers my first question but the secondâ the Catalonian didnât want to push but there had to be a reason and until she heard the truth she was filled with worry. You had been walking the streets of Madrid, alone, at almost midnight.
âWhy am I here?â You repeated it. Maybe you hoped that hearing the question again would help you figure out an answer, it did âI wanted to celebrateâŠâŠ.with you. I was surrounded by my team, people I consider family yet you were the one I wanted to call and tell about the gameâ
You dipped your head when you felt yourself getting emotional. You were suppose to be happy but with everything you were feeling you were overwhelmed. On top of what you were feeling you couldnât ignore the way your heart beat twice as fast because Alexia was sat opposite you with her hand now resting on your thigh.Â
When you looked up Alexia noticed the the tears in your eyes and was quick to wipe away one when it fell.
âI shouldnât be feeling this way Alexia, it is wrongâ you met her eye as you made your version of a confession.
âYou can be happy about playing football again Y/N. Natalia would have wanted you to beâ
âDonât say her name, not nowâ you shook your head and Alexiaâs hand fell back to its prior place on your thigh.
âIâm sorry, I didnât mean to overstep. I can give you space if that what you needâ the blonde stands, ready to leave you be but you grab her hand and pull her back down.
âI donât want space and that is the problem. I wasnât talking about the game Alexia. I shouldnât be feeling this way about youâ you shook your head in disbelief. You were sure that your shot of happiness died with your wife but you have developed feelings for Alexia and could no longer deny it.
âY/Nâ Alexia cupped your face so that you would look at her but when you did, her hand didnât move.
âAleâ you melted into her touch. That very touch gave you butterflies and you enjoyed the act of intimacy.
The two of you went silent but each of your thoughts were very loud. Alexia glanced at your lips, you knew what she was about to do and you didnât stop her. Maybe you should have, maybe you should have pulled away but you didnât. You didnât move when her lips hovered centimetres from your own, you let her kiss you. You froze in the moment, like a deer in headlights. It was only when you closed your eyes did you realise what was happening. The kiss felt like you were cheating, it felt wrong yet felt so right.
âYou shouldnât have done that. We canât do this. It was wrongâ you pushed Alexia away and stood up hastily.
You stormed away before Alexia had the chance to speak. All eyes were on you as you walked through the sea of Spanish players. Their eyes went from you and then to Alexia who was running through, trying to catch up to you. She was hot on your heels until you turned to face her. She waited a couple of seconds before taking steps towards you.
âStopâ you say but she doesnât âNo!â you held you arm out to further imply your seriousness.
After that she can do nothing else but watch you walk away from her. Her hazel eyes stayed on you until you were out the lobby doors and onto the streets of the Spanish capital.
Alexia was frozen in place. She has ruined everything by rushing but she felt something when she touched you, she felt a spark and that wouldnât have happened if you didnât feel the same thing she did. You told her that had feelings for her, you came all this way to see her. Those things meant something but maybe she had read it wrong, maybe it had all been in her head.
âAlexia, are you ok? Youâre cryingâ Irene appeared in front of her. The woman in question was quick to wipe her eyes in hope that no one else would see her tears.
âIâm fine. Itâs getting late, everyone should go to their rooms. We have a final to prepare for and we need to be at our bestâ Alexia walked away.
The two of you were very quiet in the upcoming days and were laser focused on the task at hand. Beat the opposing team and being the first even UEFA Nations League champions. Both of your team mates could tell something was wrong but they didnât know what to do. Your team mates wasnât aware of your late night adventures until Aitana texted Keira to ask if you were ok and told her that Alexia wasnât after you showed up at their hotel. The English midfielder kept this to herself given that Lucy has only just got started talking to Alexia and there were a few players on the team whoâs protectiveness could rival the defenders.
By the time the day of the final came around there was plenty of reason for concern but both teams knew that this is what you had been working towards. Yes, a trophy was on the line but it was the previous trophy that was the topic of conversation.Â
The first time Alexia saw you was when they arrived for the pitch inspection. You were near the goal with LJ, it has become a new pre match routine for the two of you. Well you did it the game a couple of days ago and you won that so the two of you gravitated towards the goal today.Â
Alexia wanted to go to you and that is what she was going to do until she felt a hand grab her wrist.
âAlexiaâÂ
She turned to face Keira.
âLeave her beâ
âI didnât mean to upset her. We were talking about feelings and then I kissed her, I couldnât help it. It felt right in the momentâ Alexia couldnât stop talking. Itâs like was making a confession and Keira would be the one deciding whether or not it was a sin.
Meanwhile the English midfielder couldnât believe what she was hearing. Sure she had suspected something was going on between the two of you but she also had a strong sense that you wasnât ready for anything knew. In her eyes you were still healing.
âYou kissed her?â Keira whispered as not to bring attention to their conversation.
Alexia was about to explain further but Keira stopped her as she sure her other team mate coming towards them.
âLucy is coming. I will talk to you about this laterâÂ
It was as if Keira flipped a switch. Her look of concern was replaced with a smile and she even put on a fake laugh so Lucy wouldnât arrive to an awkward silence. Soon enough it was a gathering of Barcelona players yet Alexia could stay focused on what her friends were saying for you were beginning to walk towards her.
In your eyes you wanted to talk to Alexia and you knew you needed to. The other night was a lot for you to process but you did owe her an explanation for leaving, that much you did know. She looked good as you watched her enter the pitch. You let your eyes linger in the most discreet way possible.Â
âYou and Putellas?â LJ asked you. She wasnât aware of what happened, nor did she know you were married. In her eyes, you were hiding something and she wasnât wrong.
âWe are friendsâŠ..I think. Itâs complicatedâ you admitted knowing that Lauren wouldnât push you further.
âUncomplicate itâ she suggested.
âIf only it was that easy. Letâs head in and get readyâ
You felt the change in heartbeat again as you got closer to where Alexia was standing. Your head might have been all over the place but you heart was being very clear in what it wanted only you werenât ready to admit it.
âY/Nâ Alexia shouted to you as you walked past her.
âHiâ for whatever reason, you pulled her into a hug âGood luck today, youâre going to need itâÂ
You both started laughing at the quick change of energy.
âI donât think itâs us that need luck. We beat you in the summerâ Alexia was cocky but she wasnât confident.
âYou didnât beat me thoughâ you couldnât help but smile at her.
Your smile was genuine and that is something Alexia took great hope in seeing. Maybe you werenât mad at her, maybe you just needed a little space.
What you said next doubled that hope.
âCome find me after the gameâ
Then just as quick as the hope was there, it wasnât.
âWe need to talkâ
Those 4 words struck fear in Alexia but she didnât have the chance to say anything because you were already down the tunnel by the time she came to her senses.
Your was brought up several times in the Spanish locker room and each time all eyes fell to Alexia for she is the one that knew you most. She had learnt how you think, what plays you are going to make before you make them. In her teamâs eyes she knew how to stop you. Only it wasnât that easy. Alexia did knew how you play but that style changes when you are hungry, like you have a point to prove and this game brought both of those things.
âStop focusing on Y/N! If you focus on how to stop her then youâve already lost. Focus on stopping her from getting the ballâ That is the last thing she said before heading out into the tunnel.Â
The lionesses were waiting for her, she expected it. It was an intimidation tactic. You werenât there and that was a surprise, she would have bet good money that you would be in the starting 11. Mary stood opposite her and smirked when she saw the look of bewilderment on the opposing players face.Â
Alexia wanted to say something, she kept looking back at the team. If she was paying attention she would notice that there was only 10 players on the England side of the tunnel. With her eyes now facing forward she didnât see you walking towards the front of the line. The sound of your cleats fell on deaf ears.
Her head shot to the side when she caught a glimpse of you standing next to her with the pendent in your hand.
âCapital Y/L/N, nice to see you back where you belongâ Alexia covered her mouth, her being well aware that there were cameras on her.
You shake your head at her greeting.
âCaptain Putellas. Youâre going to wish I wasnâtâ you had one last attempt to get in her head.
âNo I wonât. Win or lose today, this is something the world, myself included, has been waiting forâÂ
You thought you would get a smart remark not a reply that was genuine.
âAlexiaâÂ
âY/NâÂ
Those were the last words spoken except from a good look after the coin toss.
You called a huddle before everyone got into place. This game was important, not only because of the trophy on the line but it was the lionesses chance at redemption. To prove that it was only one game.
âI want you all to do something for me. Play for right now, not for the past. You cannot change what happened in the summer, no matter how hard you try. Winning today wonât get you the star on the shirt but it can be the reset you guys have been wanting. That loss has been haunting you, I can see it by the look on your faces and I promise you here today that if you play with revenge in your hearts then you will fail. Yes, this is Spain but we are England. We donât stay down, we get up and fight. We stand together as a team, a pride. We go out there and leave everything on the pitchâÂ
Each player is hooked on every word as you give Mary the signal.Â
âEngland on threeâÂ
You all come together one more time before getting in position.
Alexia tries to do the same by most of the team is watching you.
âShe is going to make it hardâ Olga tells her captain.
âShe is going to make our lives hell for the next 90 minutes but thatâs not to say we canât give it back. Look at that star on your shirt, we got that by beating this team. Yes, Y/N wasnât playing but she is one player. As good as she may be, we are better. Youâve seen what everyone is saying, they are calling our World Cup win a fluke, that we didnât win but England lost. We may have qualified for the Olympics but our job is not done. We have a trophy to win. Vamos EspanaâÂ
Just like England did, Spain come together before readying themselves for the game.
The game which starts in the worst possible way for the away team. It seems the your players might be a bit more nervous that they are letting on. Inside the first 15 minutes Salma gets through on goal and sends Spain up 1-0. It wasnât ideal but it didnât mean the game was over either. You were playing safe, as a way to get the most out of the team around you. When the first half is done with you havenât take a single shot on goal.Â
Spain entered the tunnel happy and England entered it less so.
The atmosphere was eerie in the locker room and you could see the self doubt radiating off your team mates.
Sarina takes the floor and explains all sorts of strategies but nobody is listening. They are in their own head.
âDo you mind?â You walk up to Sarina hoping to have a talk with your team. The coach happily steps aside.
âHow many of you are thinking about the World Cup? Raise your handâ nobody does and you decide to call bullshit âYouâre lying and I wonât have that. You are telling me none of you are out there thinking of the summer? the picture of them lifting the trophy that should have been yours?âÂ
One by one players begin lifting their hands.
âI can stand here and say I havenât been good enough. I need to be better and I will be better. In 45 minutes we will be crowned champions. The question is are we going to do it in style or are we going to make it harder for ourselves? We know what we need to do and we will do itâÂ
You leave the locker room and go back out onto the pitch. You are the first one out there and you take a minute to look at the score board. 1-0. You hated to lose but more than that, you hated to let people down. You made the decision to come back and you didnât do that to come second. You returned to be a champion and to make Natalia proud, you wasnât doing to let her down. You had spent the past couple of days trying not to think about her and maybe that was the problem. She was your greatest strength, your biggest supporter and she may be no longer with you, you may be beginning to move on but that doesnât mean you have to forget about her. No, you need to play for her just as you always did.
The first ten minutes of the second half it was like a different team was on the pitch. England were pushing and pressing and Spain were struggling. In the 67 minute was when the game was made even once again. You and hempo were tiring out the defence and it made them vulnerable. On one counter attack they couldnât keep up. Irene was the only player standing between you and Cata but she could see Hempo running up beside you. She found herself in a lose lose situation so she stuck with you in hopes that the pressure would work, it didnât. You pull her in just enough to give hempo enough space. At the last minute you passed to your left and she fired the ball into the back of the net.
Game on.
Spain were beginning to tire and the one touch football that was known around the world began to work in favour of England. They were unable to play out from the back because you, Alessia, Hempo and LJ was pressing the defence. It was mind play and it was working.Â
It was during a corner where things got interesting.
âKeep going!â You clapped your hands to rally the team âwe are in their heads, now we end itâÂ
âYouâre not in our headsâ Alexia says as she chooses to mark you. It was a tactic they hadnât done yet, so far Jenni had marked you.
âJust you saying that is proof that we are but feel free to prove me wrongâ you had a minute to talk as the ref walk talking to Lucy and Irene.
âI will. Letâs make it interesting. You score right now and Iâll buy you a drink laterâ
âSo that means Iâll be taking the trophy and your money? Oh youâre onâÂ
Alexia followed you are you walked around the box as you got into position. You would end up in one or two places; front post or in the middle. Never did she think you would make a run for the back post and swap positions will Lucy. The change caught Alexia out and when the ball hit the back of the neck she shook her head in defeat.Â
She had played right into your hands. You had pulled her in with your words and left her hanging when you celebrated what would go on to be the winning goal of the game.
You had to take a moment when the game was over. Everyone was celebrating but you and Lucy made the effort to congratulate your club team mates of a game well played.
âAy, Capi. Youâre predictable you know that?â Lucy threw her arms around the Catalonian.
âLucy!â You slapped her on the back of the head âWhat she meant to say is you guys played a good game and that we will see you in Parisâ
âWeâll see them in Barcelonaâ Lucy tried to correct you.
âI mean on the pitch as opponents, idiotâ Â
Alexia was to focused on what the defender said first to hear the bickering that was now taking place between the two of you.
âWhat did she mean?â Alexia asked you.
Lucy gave you a look before leaving the two of you be.
âYou once told me that in order to see yourself as the best, you had to beat the best. Tonight you wanted to beat meâ
âNo, I ââÂ
âYou did and thatâs ok. I wanted to beat you too. Itâs our competitive nature. That need you had allowed us a way in. I didnât know it would come from a corner, only that in at least one part of the game you will stick to me just so you could say you got the upper handâ
âI should have dropped you off, let Irene pick you up and followed Lucyâ Alexia understands the error she made.
âYou should have but donât beat yourself up about it. That wasnât our first plan or second. Our plan was for Hempo to tire Ona out and for Lucy to get inside Olgaâs head. Without those two things happening, we wouldnât have got the corner in the way we didâ
Alexia didnât know whether to be pissed off or impressed that you read her and her team so well.
âYou deserve the win today. Go celebrate with your teamâÂ
âI will but remember you owe me a drink. Iâll text you the address of wherever we go. Invite the girls tooâ
Alexia watched you walk away but there was one more thing she wanted to tell you only she feared it would do more damage than good. In the end she bite the bullet and ran to you.
âY/NâÂ
âHi againâ you laughed âDo you want another explanation of our strategy? We can always watch the game back when we in home in BarcelonaâÂ
Home in Barcelona. There is something about the way you said it that made alexia feel warm and fuzzy inside. She quickly shook her head to rid herself of those thoughts and the overthinking that came with them.
âI just want to say that Natalia would have been proud of you today. Not just today but the other game too. I know itâs not my place to say that because I didnât know her but you should know that. Youââ Alexia began rambling.
âBreathe. Thank you for saying that. I know she is looking down on me right now with a huge smile on her face and truth is if I think about her too much then I think I might cry so I donât want to go into that right now. Thank you thoughâÂ
Alexia couldnât help but feel like she shouldnât have said that.
The ceremony went by in the blind of an eye. One minute you are waiting for Spain to collect their medals, the next you are raising the trophy with Mary. Back in the locker room you find yourself staring at the medal on your neck. Never in your professional career had one stayed on your neck for this long and never has the gold felt so heavy. It felt like it was weighing you down so you take it off and stuff it into your back. You would talk about that means with your therapist if you had one.Â
Later on in the night you found yourself at the hotel bar with the rest of the team celebrating. You tried your best to be happy and part of you truly was but you life off the field was becoming more complicated and hard to ignore.
âExcuse meâ you tell the group that included Leah, Georgia, Keira and Lucy.Â
âShould we be concerned?â Georgia asks.
âYes but let her have a moment. These past ten days have been a lot for herâ Lucy tells her friend.
They watched as you paced back and forth on the balcony. To the English it was warm outside but there was still a chill in the air and you werenât wearing a jacket. Keira kept looking at her watch asking herself how long is long enough before she goes out to you.Â
Some of the Spanish team arrive about an hour after the lionesses. Some of them go to the bar, some go to friend but Alexia, well she only had one interest and she couldnât it or more specifically couldnât find you. Her eyes scanned the room one, twice and third time. She had her phone out ready to call just as she sees you.Â
Leah catches her walking towards you and wants to stop her.
âWhat is she doingâ The blonde asks defensively âY/N doesnât want anything to do with herâ
The Arsenal player has heard about you bust up when Keira visiting England over Christmas.Â
âThings are different now but Iâm not sure this is the right thing to do. Alexia!â Keira shouts her club captain over.
âHola. Congratulations again. You guys sure know how to partyâ she tried to be polite even though she had no interest in a conversation with anyone who wasnât you.
âThank youâ Leah seems genuine âWere you going to see Y/N?âÂ
Alexia nods.
âThat might not be the best idea right now. I think she needs a minute to herself. Itâs been quite the day for herâ
âI know. Thatâs why I want to talk to herâ Alexia knew that you might be been struggling but to her that was all the more reason for her to talk to you.
âShe wonât even wear her medalâ Georgia adds earning her a shove. As far as the English players are aware, Alexia didnât know anything.
âThat isnât surprising. Every tournament until this one she has given her medal to Nataliaâ Alexia says as if it is the most obvious thing but your friends didnât put two and two together.
âWaitâ Lucy says âShe told you about her?â Again, Alexia nods.
âWhen? She hasnât talked about her since she passedâ the defender added.
âAfter Christmasâ Alexia explains but goes no further.
âThatâs why she went to you the other night but then youââ
âKeira, I wonât talk about that right now. I just want make sure she is ok and I canât do that if I am being interrogated by youâÂ
With that Alexia leaves your friends speechless and makes her way towards the balcony.
As quietly as possible, Alexia slides the door open and closes it behind her. She didnât want to startle you so she watched from a distance. Your face wasnât puffy so you hadnât been crying but your posture was stiff so you were stressed.
âTheyâve spent the past hour burning holes in the back of my head from their staring yet you have come straight outâ you turn to see Alexia resting against the door.Â
âI owe you a drink and ââÂ
âAnd yet your hands are emptyâ you point to Alexiaâs hand which as you stated arenât holding a drink âYou can come closer you know. Iâm not going to blowâ
âI know itâs just thatââ
âThe last time we were along I ran away cryingâ you laugh as you think back to that night. Things were going really well until they wasnât.
âAre you going to let me finish a sentence or are you going to keep talking for me?â
You mumble an apology and signal for her to continue.
âYour friends know I know and I accidentally told keira we kissedâÂ
âFigures. She has been hoveringâÂ
The two of you go quiet. Itâs not awkward, itâs comfortable but even then itâs not what either of you wanted.
âYou said we needed to talkâ Alexia didnât want to push things and you had told her this before the game.
âWe do. What happened the other night itââ
âShouldnât have happenedâ
âWho is finishing the otherâs sentences nowâÂ
âLo sientoâ
âAs I was sayingâ you send her smirk so she knows she isnât in trouble âThe other night was very overwhelming for me, not because I didnât like what happened but because I did. I told you that I had feelings and those feelings are for you Alexia. You make me feel things that I thought Iâd never feel again. I promised my heart and love to her Alexia and to feel these things for someone else is like an act of betrayal. It feels wrong but I donât want those feelings to stop. You kissed me and I knew it was going to happen yet I didnât to stop it. I shouldnât have ran away like thatâ
âIt was a lot for you, I understand thatâ Alexia tried to reassure you that it was ok.
âIt was but I should have stayed. You wanted to talk to me and I didnât give you the opportunity. Just because I lost someone doesnât mean that itâs only my feelings that matter. Iâm sorry AlexiaâÂ
Alexia couldnât believe what she was hearing. Since you said the words âwe need to talkâ she has been trying to think of all the things you could have said, an apology was not one of them.
âCan I say what I would have that night?â Alexia asks and you nods your head whilst closing the distance between you.
âThose feelings you talked about, I feel them too. Things changed between us after you told me and I couldnât ignore it, trust me I tried. I was also aware of your loss and that this might not be something you are ready for so I talked to my mum one night. She is the only other person I know who has experienced the same loss you have. I told her that I had fallen for you and that I wanted to act on my feelings. You know what she told me? She told me that time heals all wounds but no amount of time is the same. If I wanted to prove to you that I truly liked you then I would need to take it slow so that is what I am willing to do. If you want to pursue this then we will take it slow, as slow as you need. You said it feels like an act of betrayal and I respect that. I wonât push you into anything youâre not ready forâ
Alexia reached out for you and noticed once again tears were falling down your face.
âI have made you cry again. I shouldnât have said anything. Y/N I am so sorryâ
âAlexia, these arenât sad tearsâ you reach for her hand âI canât promise you that this will be easy. When Natalia died she took a lot of my heart with her and I donât know how much is left but I want to share what I have left with you. Please be patient with me Alexia because I donât know how to do this again. For most of my life it has been her and I but now I get the chance at happiness again, with you. We can take this slow?â
âWe will go as slow are you want. I have nothing but time for you Y/Nâ
Alexia knew what to say and for the first time in a long time you found yourself leaning forward. Just as you were about to kiss her she moves and kisses your cheek.
âSlowly Y/Nâ Alexia winked causing you to chuckle âHow about we go for dinner when we return to Barcelona?â
âI would really like thatâ
âMe too. Now if I remember correctly I owe you a drinkâ Alexia holds the door open so that you both can rejoin the party.
âThat does seem to be the case. Make it a double. Itâs not every day you pull one over on La Reina to score the winning goalâ you shoved her playfully.
1K notes
·
View notes