The Winner Takes It All

So, here we have it. That fantastic time of year when one of my ‘buddies’ is crowed the banter champ. Before we start lets take a look at the current standings. 1. Harry Courtney-Buddle 17.5 2. Tim Willis 16.9 3. Chris Parkins 14 4. Cam Hutchcraft 8.5 5. Alex Parkins 8 6. TJ Harding 6.9 Following the latest events (End of Season Presentation) some great bants were on show. The very best of banter came out to play with some new skills from some unexpected places. Where to start. umm…. Oh I know. The Turtle Fucker.Like an annoying itch half way up your back, you know that little fucker that you just can’t get to no matter how much you stretch. This bastard just had to come. With a massive disappointment, he even dragged his girlfriend down with him. Poor, poor Girl. As if going out with the freak isn’t enough, with this being said, some quick witted one lines earn the guy what. At least a point. Overall 9 from a possible 40. Relegation zone.

Next moving on to TJ ‘Not so’ Harding. I felt sorry for the young lad. I feel a lot of others did also. His foot wasn’t placed down hard enough for his ‘missus’ to take a seat and shut the fuck up. For that reason any banter provided wasn’t going to be enough. Still… He’s got to score more than Alex. For that reason and that reason only.

Overall 10 from a possible 40.

Safe

Cam. fuckwit

Overall 11 from a possible 40. Please see me.

IS IT A BIRD… IS IT A PLANE… NO IT’S YAAAA BOOOOI TAMBO. Bringing his better half to the evening could only mean one thing. Tim was on his best behaviour. Not even sat on the same table as the boys. I can only feel this would of let the lad down. But no, some ludicrous snaps of him behind the DJ Booth spinning more records than an Shane Warne on heat. The boy is a non stop sniffing hoover. Always shows up and deserves a big score.

Overall 34.9 from a possible 40.

Champions League Qualification.

Harry Buddle. He bottled out of a few jokes during his speech in reference to Alex Parkins. This being said. Top quality, undiluted, pure cut, lean and mean banter provided throughout the evening. Anything said was smashed back with a stiff forehand rendering any poor cunt useless. Was truly remarkable to see. I swear I had pee coming out from a few jokes.

Overall 35 from a possible 40.

WINNER.

Chris ‘My brother works here’ Parkins. Spending most of the evening talking to Chris, he couldn’t go wrong. Sitting next to me at a pretty banterous table was a great start. After a few slow and sure jokes referencing cocaine he showed skill and grace to put his own twin down on many of occasions. pure class.

Overall 33.78983 from a possible 40.

Champions League Qualification

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Get to know the players

Cam “No ACL” Hutchcraft.  Late to enter the league. Cam had a lot to prove on his first week and what a debut to start. Club shops have seen a lot of shirt sales increase with the name “Crutch” added to the back. Can he do his fans proud this season.  TJ ‘Don’t tell him your secrets’ Harding.  Again, Great performance for a first week. Showed great potential. Can he push on and do his missus proud. GO TEAM TJ

END OF WEEK 2.

As we drew to the end of week 2. Birmingham was an eventful one. Let’s take a look at the current table.  1. Harry Courtney-Buddle             17. 5 2. Tim Willis                                      16.9                             3. Chris Parkins                                  14 4. Cam Hutchcraft                           8.5 5. Alex Parkins                                  8 6. TJ Harding                                     6.9 

WEEK 2.

With two new comers to the league can Alex Parkins see higher than bottom this week.  Starting with Mr Chris Parkins ( Iron Man ) with a few wise guy jokes here and there. Chris had a steady weekend. He picked up a lot of points for me Friday night with some forgettable one liners and unfamiliar banter. He was going strong until Alex Parkins ( Deadpool ) reminded me I was only Chris’s friend because of Alex. So Chris gets a fair but somewhat harsh 6 / 10. Well batted sir. Total up to 14 / 20 Next, hereeee he is. It’s ya boyyyy. Tambo. With some down right dirty, pure undiluted, original, clean banter. He showed up impeccable skill in necking the famous “SHOE” guy. He was the heart and soul of every chant, song and racial slur. He impressed this weekend and a call up to the Barmy Army is without doubt, just around the corner. A strong and sure 9.7 / 10. Total up to 16.9 / 20. Thirdly is the one we all waiting for. Alex Parkins. Now all of you are anticipating some abuse. Now, I’m a nice guy. I make friends easily and feel sorry for the little guy however. After a strong Friday night, sharing a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc with yours truly. Building up some successful points, it came to Saturday. This is where he fucked it. A few tipped beers and a few little drops of TJ Harding loving down the back. This guy. LOST CONTROL. Not much more needs to be said. I don’t think you’re qualifying your Europe this season my friend.   2 / 10. Total is up to 4. Crutchcraft, Hutchy, Hovercraft. Well done my friend. On your first weekend in the league. You’ve done well. Great debut. Top quality, 100% natural bants provided sir. After a hard Friday night and Saturday day. You still went strong to be in the money at the casino. You worked hard and I couldn’t be prouder. Future squad selection has been made difficult after your performances. 8.5 / 10. The Juice Harding. With a work hard, play harder can do attitude. TJ ripped the place apart. ‘You let your country down, you let your country down’ was a very successful number 1 hit and you sang it with emotion and it brought tears of laughter and joy to my face. Congratulations on the Facebook official relationship. It’s clearly worked wonders. You had a great weekend however, a large quantity of beer was spilt. I know it wasn’t always your fault. However, a man must protect his beer like a small baby. 6.9 / 10. Well done. Finally, The league leader ( Currently ) WELL DONE. What a weekend. Really. Could not be prouder of such a guy. Being stone dead sober, disappearing for 45 minutes and coming back like pissed as a fart put the HI the Hilarious. Carrying two pints of pims like your life depended on them was a joy to watch. The only man in the group who done the well-known “Shoe’ !! 8 / 10. Total is now 17.5

We ended Week 1 as follows;  In first place we had the famous racketlon enthusiast Harry Courtney-Buddle taking a massive 9.5 from a great performance to start a strong campaign.  Second place was no bodies friend but all round nice guy and fan favourite Chris Parkins with a steady and sure 8.  Third place was snapped up by Mr.Lover Lover Tim Willis. With 7.2 point taken he looks forward to next weekend to where Birmingham will provide a great scene for carnage.  Bottom of the table was rounding of by a shambles of a performance from Alex Parkins. Fan’s heard singing “Alex Out” after the first weekend saw a young lad looking for his toys before week 2.  1.Harry Courtney-Buddle          9.5 2.Chris Parkins          8 3.Tim Willis                7.2 4.Alex Parkins.          2