badhebie
Spoiler: we die in the end.
Try to learn to let what is unfair teach you. Do you see what I see? Do you feel what I feel? (อิบิ)
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Dear Maji...
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BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!
[03-07-2021] Return to the city, which I have left for several years. Bandung. A town I love, which never fails to impress me. The city always has something new around every corner.
Made an appointment to Meet an 'old friend' that I never seen or talking for many years. After talking with shitty and unnecessary chitchat then we moved to an old Kopitiam around Sudirman Street that still amazed me until now.
After many years passed, this old Kopitiam still impress me. The building, the wall arts, the decorations, the ambience, the lighting, even the people coming here still same as in the past. Many old guys and old ladies coming here only for playing capsa, chess or mahjong showdown while enjoying some Coffee or Tea with some Dimsum. They just playing happily with each other. They seems dont care that now already quite late at night. What a moments.. Reminiscing!
After feeling mesmerized, we order some of their Signature Coffee and some Dumplings. I'm shocked to know that their tastes of Coffee is consistency and never change! That's cool!
Because of nowadays I'm enjoying writting about anything, then I tell my friend that I will record all of our chitchat and conversation into an mp3 recording file. So I could make the convo's transcript to fill in into my blog :))
t r a n s c r i p t :
Me : This Kopitiam kinda reminds me about the old times that we always coming here for almost every week with our friends..
P : Ya Ya Ya.. indeed! It is not every week! But twice a week, hahaha..
It's been long story we talking about anything until I tell her about my problems.. she looks kinda shock hearing it all and seems not believe for what happening to me right now.
Yes I told her about my family's matters..
P : Oh.. ( I can see her eyes pouring some tears )
I cannot believe why you have to be an asshole by cheating to your wife? Do you know that what you have done is so heartless and hurts your wife so much? Oh ibie!! I really cannot believe what you have done!! really.. fucking asshole! (I can see some rage on her eyes!)
Me : Well, things happens! My life is fucked. And I really fully regrets! I dont know how to fix this.. Yes I know I have done something terrible.. But at that time, I feels like i lost controls to myself and everything. And at that time I feels like I dont understand myself too..
P : You dont need to make excuse for youself! Wrong is wrong.. You have no reasons to do all this fucking things!
Me : Yes I know.. and I admit that I was an asshole for doing this.. and now i really regretfully for what happened to my family..
at that time, I feels like sometimes my wife didnt love me and sometimes I feels like she never respect me.. I dont know this is only my feeling or my reasons, but yes sometimes i feels like that..
Maybe because Im an overthinker person, thats why that time I lost control to myself and doing all this bad things. But after that i feel regret.. really sad and sorry..
P : Whatever your reasons, bie! What you've done is unacceptable.. Oh I really speechless to you! fuck!
Then, have you apologize to your wife and ask for forgiveness from her? Have you explain everything to her? Are you really feel sorry now?
Me : Yes I do! As a man, I do apologize and ask for forgiveness from her. I even kneel to her to forgive me and give me chance. I dont know how to fix this.. I dont know how to make her forgive me and give me last chance and trust me again that I will never ever doing very bad mistakes again and broke her trust again.
P : Then? Did she forgive you?
Me : No, She is not. She said she cannot give me chance for now and ask me to clear my self out of problems.. at first I was so excited that I thought she is willing to give me chance. I'm doing my best effort to fix everything, I do my best to bring back her trust on me. Until one day I realized that she's only play with my guilt and probably just want to revenge to me. After knowing that, I feels numb and thinking that all my efforts was nothing. What am I trying to fix was meaningless.. Then its time I have stopped all my efforts to fix everything and stop expecting. I feel bad.. really bad!
P : Huh? What do you mean? I dont get it. Why dont you continue to fix with her? Show your fully efforts to brings her back!! Its all your fault then you have to fix!
Me : Yes, at first I will show her my fully effort and Im willing to do anything to fix all of this. Then one day I realized that she was looking for another guys or maybe now she probably having a relationship with someone else already. That day I realized that all she said by saying will give me chance after I clear myself out was only a joke, its fake and just an empty hope!
Can you imagine, if she said will give me chance but in reality she was in relationship with another guy? Then I have to fix what? I have to keep fighting to fix everything when she has already have relationship with another guy? It's unacceptable for me! If she said she will give me chance, she have to wait and look at my progress, she have to let me work my best and wait me until I clear myself out, but what she did is having another relationship with someone else! Then what she said will giving me chance was a fake and its all lie! Am I right? Thats why I'm stopped all of this!
P : Huh? Wait.. wait! I miss something here. So, she said she will give you chance but you have to fix yourself first BUT in reality, she was having relationship with another guy already? So, what I got here is she probably waiting you for fixing yourself but while waiting she has another relationship with someone else? She is having relationship while waiting you?
Me : YES! Exactly! I'm not sure she's already in relationship or still looking for another guy.. but this is so heartless and unacceptable for me! Why dont she just said NO MORE CHANCE for me instead of saying will giving me chance but having another relationship with someone else or looking for someone else? Its does not make sense!
P : If this is the case, then yes.. actually what she have to do is just saying directly to you that NO CHANCES for you. I dont understand her as well.. why she said she will give you chance after you clear yourself out but she is having or looking relationship with someone else.. Haha im curious about it! Well, then its your rights to stop or to keep fighting for her! But I understand you, you will feel hurt when you keep fighting for her while she was having relationship with someone else. Well, my advice is just follow your heart! But if the case is like this, you better pull yourself out of this situation and keep walking.. At least you already did your job, feels regret, apologizing, ask for forgiveness and trying your best to fix everything, eventhough in the end it didn't go as you pleased, but at least you tried. You did a great job, bie!
Me : Yes! I take my punishment already by cannot see and touch my son. As a man, I admit my big mistakes to her already! I feels fully regret already. I ask for forgiveness already, I promise to her that I will never ever doing bad mistakes and broke her trust anymore, I doing everything already to regain her trust! But she wasting all my efforts! She is playing with my feeling by saying will give me chance after I cleared myself out! She gave me fake and empty hope. So i pull myself out and stopped! At least if someday Mica grown up, I can tell him what I did. I can tell Mica that his dad already trying to fix everything but his mom is wasting my efforts and playing with me. So im gonna give up..
*She looks confused, sad, and crying..*
P : Do you still love your wife after what you have done?
Me : Yes I do. I love her with all my heart.. It will and always! I've been fully regret with what I did to her. If I could turn back the time, even it cost my life, then I would.. GIving up didnt means I didnt love her, I just feel tired hurt myself as well.. and I feeling hurts when my efforts wasn't appreciated. Been there, done that! But I will always love her with all my heart and I keep saying sorry to her in my heart and my prays..
P : Im sure you were really miss Mica and your wife.. I can see from your eyes.. it looks empty! You miss them so bad.. (*she looks crying again)
Me : I miss my son for every second of my life.. I never felt this way, missing someone til my heart aches! It really hurt deep inside.. Almost every night Im crying missing my son. What I could do only looking at Mica's photos on my gallery.. No father in this world who is strong enough to bear the pain of missing his child. Its really unbearable for me..
P : Do you try to call Mica everyday? You can video call to him to heal your wound.. Or ask his mom to video call to you everyday if posisble. Or ask her to send Mica's picture for you at least once a day.. Im sure it will not bother her at all
Me : Yes, I do ask her already to send me Mica's picture as much as she can.. but you know what, Pao? I think she trying to separate me with Mica as well..
P : HAH ??!! What do you mean??
Me : Yes, you heard it right! I think she trying to separate me and Mica as well.. Do you know why? I ask her many times already to send Mica's pic as much as she can.. and she said YES, she will try to send Mica's pic as much as she can. But again, in reality she was fake again.. she only send like every 4 or 5 days or even 1 WEEK and only send 1 photos or videos. Do you think its called "AS MUCH AS SHE CAN" ? send pic every 4-5 days and only 1 ? After waiting for every 4-5 days I only got 1 pic or 1 short video.. She can HATE ME as much as she want but she have no rights to separate innocent child to his father, right??? Yes you are RIGHT! Even 1 photo per day it will not bother her at all.. But she just dont want! But she probably busy looking and impress some guys out there instead of sending me some of my Son's photos that I always wait like forever.. sending some pic's everyday not wasting even 1 minutes of her time. But this is about WANT or DONT WANT!
P : WHAATTTT?! REALLY?? Sorry bie.. but in my opinion, no matter how bad the father, every childs in this world is have FULLY RIGHTS to know his/her father! If she doing that, she is FORCEFULLY take Mica's RIGHTS to know you as his father.. she is doing a bad parenting system! How heartless she was.. She take Mica's rights as innocent child to know his father. Well, somehow I feel bad for you bie. You are right, She can hate you as much as she wanted to, but she have NO RIGHTS to force Mica to not to know his father.. Oh my God! Somehow, I got your point when before you said you have your own reason by doing some bad mistakes to her.. Well, I dont know but I got the point somehow! Its only you can feel it.. But it doesnt mean you were right! You are still WRONG by doing the FUCKING BAD THINGS! But I know at least you did a great job by fully regret it, apologizing, and trying to fix with her, even in the end she wasn't appreciate you, at least you try.. a gentleman's job! Standing ovation for you bie..!
P : . . . .
P : As a man and as a normal human being, its OK for you to make mistakes. Learn from it, take lessons from it, and promise for you life that you will never ever do it again. Even you ever failed as a man and as a husband to your loved ones, Im sure that you have fully regret now. But you never failed as a Daddy! Im sure you were being a Super Daddy for Mica! And Im sure, Mica is super love you and proud to you as his Father! You will be a good Dad for him, Im sure of that bie..!
Me : Bad Parenting Systems? Probably yes.. She is forcefully take Mica's right to know me as his father.. Well, if someday Mica grows up, I hope Mica didnt grown up with rage and questioning where is his Dad! Because He will understand when he grows up.. And someday I hope I could explain everything to him what was happened.. At least I have tried everything and its gonna be my reasons to Mica..
P : I feel sad for you bie.. Keep strong and be patients! God will never sleep.. If you feel fully regret and promise to never ever doing bad mistakes again for your life, im sure God will always listens to you and helps you.. keep believe it! Im Buddhist too like her.. so Im sure we belief about Karma. You get your bad Karma already by doing bad on the past. And if she is proven trying to separate Mica from his Daddy, Im sure too she will get Karma too for what she did.. For now you better stand up and keep walking for your life. And love yourself more than before.. Last time we met you look so fat than now.. Now you look losing weight! Remember you have to keep healthy.. Overthinking will make you sicks! Try to forgive yourself.. Try to accept yourself back.. Try to love yourself again.. What's DONE is DONE! you cannot turn back the time, but you can fix it and make it better.. But first forgive yourself and love yourself, so you can stand up and walking again.
Me : Yes I try to walks again.. and now I almost can running again hahaha! But the pain is still unbearable for me for missing my Son every second of my life.. it hurts so much for missing him!
If you were her, would you like to give me second chance for me to fix it? I just want to know from other people's perspective..
P : HAH? If I were her? You mean if this bad things happens to me? Hmmm.. Well, If I was her and this is happened to me, for sure I will very angry, mad, and sad as much as she did, or maybe more than she did. But after that I will heal myself first and think clearly for what I should do. But in my opinion, every people DESERVE a second chance! Especially if we have childs already. For sure in the end I will give you a second chance and let you prove yourself that you will never ever doing bad things again and broke my trust. Because for me second chance is LAST CHANCE! So if this happened again, NO MORE CHANCES for you for your life! But yeahh.. for me every people deserve a second chance! Especially when I see you were really regrets and I can see your efforts to fix everything! Its for me.. But every people's have different minds, so my opinion cannot be used as a standard! But for sure If I were her and I already said I will give you chance, then I would really give you chance and see you progress first.. I will waiting how much you can show and prove yourself to fix and be a better person than before! But for sure I will not looking for other guys while waiting HAHAHAHA.. because I will be honest and pure from heart when I said i will giving you chance.. No FAKE FAKE woyyy! Hahaha..
Me : Here we comes the sarcastic moments, hahaha... But thank you for your perspectives! I hope she could do as you said,, but yeah every people is different!
P : Then dont be too worry bie.. I hope she could opened her heart soon and not thinking only about herself, but about Mica as well.. Mica is still really too little for this! He needs both his Mummy and Daddy on his side. Dont let innocent child be victims from the selfishness of their parents.
Me : Well, I dont know about that.. I feel too tired and almost fully giving up..
P : You can rest a while bie.. And I know for now you were busy and tired with your business hahaha.. congrats anyway! Dont give up bie! Move forward!! I will joins and helps your business.. your coffee bottle is super yummy and your cornflakes is good, especially the peppersalt one! I like it.. No one's here using cornflakes as snacks, thats why I think it looks promising business.. Just dont give up and keep walking! Thats my note! Dont feeling down when sometimes your business is going down.. You need to have a strong mentality build when you working on personal business. Up and down on personal business is normal..
Me : Hahaha thanks! Yes it starting to grows.. I will working hard for it! Woyyy of course its good, it has secret recipes from starbucks hahaha.. Yes yes you have to helps me extent and expand my selling hahaha.. just kidding, Pao! But thank you, you boosted up my mood haha..
P : YEEESSSSSS!!! hahaha sure I will helps you as much as I can, dont worry! haha.. And I will promote it anywhere haha.. soon you will need to open mini factory, hahaha Ameeenn!!!
And dont worry, when I said AS MUCH AS I CAN, I will do and act in real, not only words or FAKE!! hahahahahahaha..
*we both laugh hard on this*
Me : LOL hahaha.. Here we comes again for another sarcastic moments, Hahahah! But Ameeennnn!! Thanks, Pao! I feel lightly after I confess to you all my stories.. wish me better and better OK?
P : Sure!!! Im sure you can..!
The time has passed, It's been 02:50am already. Then I sent her home and I back home as well. Thanks for listening to my vent, Pao! What a day!! Ready to work again tomorrow ^_^
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Pain..
Knowing your loved ones falling into the floor. Bleeding and Bruished.
Feeling Sad and Angry at the same time!
Damn...!! It hurts so much.
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E m p t y~
You know what’s worse than feeling hurt, angry, or any form of emotion that makes you feel anything less than good? Feeling nothing. I haven’t felt any true form of emotion in a while now, I haven’t really felt upset, or hurt or angry, but I haven’t felt anything good either, I haven’t felt happy, joyous, blissful.
I just want to feel something, anything. Just something, anything that fills this empty void of nothingness. But I guess I was consumed with the incessant desire to feel something, anything other than empty, and seemingly pain is the easiest emotion to invoke. Perhaps because its the what we as humans are weakest to. Mental and physical pain.
I always believed that emotions are what make us quintessentially human, and I never once thought I’d be without them. But I am, I find it difficult to so much as care about those who I believed to be closest to me. I guess it’s why I’m having difficulty writing, I used to materialize my emotions into words, yet now I don’t have any sort of emotion, or perhaps, less likely, I know not what I feel.
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The Revelation
⬆⬆Press ▶ Play ⬆⬆
Dont worry na.. I probably wont expect anything anymore. I probably wont disturb you again with my feelings toward you. After that time I knowing that you already had a new boyfriend, I've been really hurt.. yes it is really hurt like hells!
Flashback, its almost 3 month i feel really regret, I always blame myself hard, and every single day of my life I feel sorry for you, always asking for fully forgiveness from you, always try to fix everything, always try to ask support from you and Mica, always try everything to makes you fully forgive me and give me last chance for life, but nothing i would get.. I really feel hopeless and dont know what I have to do anymore.. I remember even last time you said you will support me by sending Mica's pics, in the end i have to ask and asking again.. For almost 3 month I really blaming myself, really blaming everything happened to my life. Pure from my heart I really asking for forgiveness from you, really wants to fix everything.. and for almost 3 month also you were always ignoring me, ignore everything I said, ignore my regret, ignore my feelings sorry, ignore for giving me last chance, and ignore everything about me..
Until 1 day that I knowing the fact that you already with new guy.. I realize that what you said for giving me chance later was just an false and empty hope. And again after knowing everything, I got my heart and feeling really got hit very hard again and it was trully hurt.. I feels like I want to really give up on everything.. because no matter how hard I am trying to fix, no matter how many sorry I have said to you, no matter how many time I asking for forgiveness, no matter how many times I said I really feel fully regret for what I did, it was nothing for you.. you keep ignoring me, ignore everything what I said, what I did, and ignore everything about me and choose to be with another guy already..
After that, I started to step back. I stopped for expecting anything.. I feels like I am not that strong to bear this pain.. my regret was nothing, my sorry was nothing, and everything I try to do was nothing for you.
I'm trying to survive my life day by day until I feel and experienced the most pain and hurt of my life. Time passes, yet I still feel hurt inside..
After all this time, after everything I've been through, after all the pain and hurt I've been through, nowadays I try to learn to accept myself again.. I try to forgive myself, I try to accept all my mistakes, and I try to accept everything that happened to my life right now..
Even it is really hard and so much hurt, I try to learn and accept everything.. yes everything.
I try to accept that I will never get last chance from you, I try to accept that I will loose you and Mica.. I try to accept that you prefer for choosing new relationship with new guy instead of giving me last chance for fixing everything. Instead for giving me last chance for life to be with you and Mica again as a family, yes I try and learning to accept everything..
I try to accept the fact that you already have new boyfriend in 1 month instead of consider for giving me chance.. or at least thinking about us and Mica before starting to move on.
I try to accept the fact that you decide to forget about us in just 1 month with your new guy.. yes after all I try to accept everything.
During my progress for accepting and forgiving myself, I've been through hell everyday.. my world feels like upside down.. smiling outside but crying hard inside. But time passes.. I try to stand on my own feet again.. I learn to walk again.. and I have to reaching my destination to fully accept and forgiving myself back..
Do you know that missing you and Mica is really hurt? Do you know that I've been waiting for Mica's pic for every second for my life? Do you know that for now i didnt expect anything anymore but only wishing that I could hug you and Mica even for only 5 minutes? But its like nothing for you.
And I probaby have to accept the fact that you not only try to separate yourself with me but try to separate Mica with his Dad as well.. I have to accept the fact that you probably never teach Mica to remember or to knows his Dad.. to remember his Daddy's face or everything about his dad.
Yes I try to learn to accept and forgive myself again.. Even it's really hurt, it does really really hurt.. But I have to accept it all and forgiving myself.. At least I already tried my best to fix everything and asking for last chance from you, even in the end it was all nothing for you. Then i stopped to expect anything. I'm on progress to fully give up on everything because I cannot stand the pain anymore. The more I expect, the more hurt I will get, because I know you will still ignore everything what I did and what I said. Maybe you already realize that nowadays I didnt asking anything anymore, yes that is because I learn to accept everything and stopped expecting. Self healing. Self fixing. Self Accepting.
Honestly, from the deepest of my heart, I dont want to giving up, I really want still fighting.. but I really cannot bear the pain.. I cannot imagine that you already have new guy, so I have no choice.. I cannot read what's on your mind. Even I asking how many times what should I do for makes you fully forgive me, but in the end what I got is only getting ignore from you..
Until now, I do love you very much with all my heart, i missing you for every second of my life, and somehow I still wishing that miracles will happen that you said you will giving me chance and fully forgive me. But somehow I realize that it is kinda only my imaginations that force me to stop expecting to prevent me from getting hurt any further..
My last wishing besides for hugging you and Mica even its only for 1 minutes is I wish that you could said that you will giving me last chance to fix everything and giving me chance to be with you and Mica again.. its only my wish that i will not expecting will happen.. but at least I still have a little hope before I really giving up. It still on progress, but in the end I have to force and drag myself to reach my last destination.. yeah, my little hope before I pull myself out and fully give up.. I hope you could said that you giving me chance before I fully give up 🙂
So dont worry, even for now it still on progress, after I fully giving up, I will make sure that you will never get bothered by me anymore in any way.. and I will pull myself out from disturb you any longer so you could be not worrying that I will come to disturb you and your new guy.. and I will completely disappear from disturb and bothering you.. you can keep my promise 🙂
Dont worry na.. I already on progress to learn to accept everything happened to my life, even it is really hard and hurt for me, nothing I could do.. I will accept it. thats the only thing I can do 🙂
This is my journey. I'm not giving up on you, I'm just done trying. I will always love you for so long no matter what 🙂
Thank you for listening to my last vent. ไม่ไหวแล้ว พอกันที
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Yes Indeed. Sometimes I feels like life was so unfair! No matter how many good thing you do, once you make a mistakes, then all of your good thing you do will be gone! vanishes into the dust.
1000 good thing - 1 mistakes = 5000 mistakes
Learn to accept that life is so cruel, bie! No matter how many times you tried, you will get nothing, bie! Especially when you were down and have nothing right now.
GET UP, STAND UP, and BOUNCE BACK, BIE!!
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Your mouth is your tiger!!
It is important to control every word you say, even when you are in angry! Because words are a reflection of yourselves! Just remember that words are sharper than a knife! So be careful with your words. Once they are said, they can only be forgiven, NOT FORGOTTEN! They can destroy feelings, relationship, and break trust. Forever. So, if you don't want to be judged, just think before you speak a harsh words! Because people do judge you by your words, by how the way you talk! So do I..
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It's official now. Worst Birthday ever!
The only one I expected will be the first one to congratulate me Happy Birthday, right on the midnight wasn't come! She wasn't here nor there. Well done.. Well... Whatever.
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Stop complaining and grow up!
Stop complaining about all the things that are going wrong with your life and either deal with it or do something to make yourself happy. I’m tired of people just sitting around and complaining.
You don’t like living at home with your parents? then move the fuck out! Stop spending your money on shit you don’t need. Don’t like your job? then look for a new one. Don’t like getting walked all over? then grow a pair of balls and learn how to stand up for yourself.
Complain that you never have any friends or that all of your friends are flakes? Maybe its because this is all you do, Complain! Stop complaining and do something about it. You don’t have the money to do something about it? Not everything costs money! Sticking up for yourself doesn’t take money.
There’s a lot of aspects of life that we have no control over, like karma. But there’s a lot of other things that we do have control over. Such as, doing things that make us happy. Or being positive about something. JUST STOP BITCHING ABOUT EVERYTHING! If you don’t like it, just leave it or do something about it. Nothing is going to happen overnight. Just stop fucking complaining. Stop acting like you were a kid!
(อิบิ)
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The bad me!
I don’t understand what myself wants.
I want to be loved. Of course.
Egoist.
Honestly, I love her, really much. but I can’t show it to her in a proper way.
I often talk with a rude tone, really immature.
And then,
We fought.
Again.
It was seriously bad. For me.
I understand why it happens a lot.
It’s all because of me.
I’m the one who make it happens.
I’m bad?
Yeah,
I knew it, so well.
Easy to get mad,
Easy to get angry,
Easy to get jealous,
Easy to talk something stupid, something rude, something ridiculous.
And then, regret it later.
Our fought, I regret it so much.
I want to ask her forgiveness.
I always hurt her with my words.
I don’t deserve her kindness.
She is a lovely person while me is a bad person.
(อิบิ)
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Sleepless forgiveness.
I hate to go to bed in anger, or having angered or fallen out with someone. Why? Because the thought always enters my head, almost as instantly as my head hits the pillow that if I should not wake from my sleep, if my eight hours were to become an eternal slumber I would die having not been forgiven, or not forgiving someone.
So I lie awake, because I know what it is to lose someone without having had the chance to say I’m sorry. To lose someone while they are hurt by you. While they hate you. And I also know what it is to be mad at someone moments before they go, to not be able to tell them you forgive them. Whilst inside the burning desire to just be able to have them back for a mere moment to say “I forgive you” sets aflame your heart. To know that all they wanted was for you to tell them you love them just one last time.
Those feelings are enough to destroy a man from within, to crumble him down to the ground. You are left wondering for the rest of your life, what if things were different? What if you could have just swallowed your pride just once? So I will not sleep as long as I have hurt someone, until I know they have forgiven me, and they know I love them. I refuse to be a regret in the heart of a innocent soul.
(อิบิ)
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Fake smiles.
Everyone does it, we put on fake smiles to mask what we’re really feeling, regardless on how badly you’re hurting inside it only seems natural to, look up smile and say “yeah great” (or likewise) when someone should ask if everythings okay. But why? Why is it so hard just to be honest? To say no it’s not okay?
(อิบิ)
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Never Said.
Do you ever feel like there’s things you should have said but never did? And there comes a time when that voice becomes so loud and so damning inside your head, haunting and taunting you with the words you never said, and if you had the courage to do so maybe things would have met a different end. It’s incredibly easy to find all the courage in you cowering away and it’s not because you’re weak or too scared to say anything when it really matters but it’s because you already feel defeated before the battle has even begun let alone ended. You become left with these words that you never said repeating themselves inside your head and it takes being defeated to realise that at that time and place you weren’t but you thought you were and now you are.
I seldom say the things that matter when I have the opportunity to, and that’s not to say that I never have. There are times when I have and I lost anyway because it didn’t make a blind bit of difference, so I guess now I feel defeated even before I am, and those haunting words remain in my head fighting to be heard, and in anger and revenge fill me with regret.
I guess in essence what it boils down to is learning to deal with your emotions, to carry out actions that mirror your feelings. However you can spend your entire life dealing with your emotions to keep your heart happy and your mind clear, but eventually you tire of being able to feel and you realise that those emotions don’t stop you being defeated, and in many cases they make that defeat seem worse than you would have otherwise perceived it to be. So you stop feeling, you stop listening to your heart, and I guess in many respects you begin to feel empty and hollow but you’re tired and are struggling to cope and deal with your emotions that only serve to worsen the situation. So you stop speaking out, you take defeat without considering the possibility of persevering in the face of adversity. In doing so, in ignoring your heart, all you have is that voice in your head that tells you that you gave up, you left words unsaid, it’s in that moment you realise that your head is ruled by your heart, and its judging you for being so defeatist when it knows how strong you can be but it fails to acknowledge that it made you feel this weak to begin with.
(อิบิ)
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Pain.
when letting go hurts,
and when holding on hurts too,
the only thing to do
is bear the pain
And then find a way to heal.
(อิบิ)
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