Let’s Try This Again( with the completed post this time) Complications of Loathing What You Need

I know, I disappeared, and most likely will again. Serious interaction on blogs (re mine) seems to be severely lacking so there seems to be very little reason to plug on and share intimate posts publicly.

So why now? Well actually I write this post almost 2 years ago, and life has a funny way of putting us back in places we need to fix over and over again until we get it right. To be frank I highly doubt I could compose a post these days. I'm rusty in so many areas.  Covid life has put a hit on our dynamic yet it shouldn't because we have more time together- too bad our minds seem to have a constant drum in the background that seems to drown out much of our desires at the moment....

Anyway I read in a comment about a month ago something to the affect of " I read blogs sometimes and think of how sad people's lives are".  I am sure the person commenting didn't mean it as a damaging comment.  I want to point out before I continue trying to resurrect my morning's post in my mind again a few things.  I would hope that no one reads my posts and feels sad for me.  I will say that despite the struggles Barney and I have encounter since and even because of starting ttwd,  it has changed me in ways I will never ever be sorry for.  I will admit at times it seems to have caused strife between the two of us, but as I have said before, ttwd is more of a magnifier of issues that already exist more than it is a problem unto itself.  Ttwd has allowed me to unearth myself;my true, authentic self, and even in the future if for some reason we can no longer live this lifestyle that knowledge and feeling will never be taken away.

Yes it has bettered our marriage but often not in ways I read about here and there.  Sure sex is more frequent and more creative.  But honestly that is a byproduct of me being less guarded and allowing intimacy into our lives.  Anyway, that isn't why I wrote this morning.  I wrote this morning because of a few things I was reflecting on in the past 24 hours.

The first being....

Loathing What You Need

Such an ominous title right?  Here's the thing, I do LOATHE what I need.  This isn't a post about questioning my need for submission ( though one might argue it could be one questioning my sanity).  I don't fault anyone out there that is currently questioning their need for submission, I have been there countless times, but thankfully that ship has sailed! One LESS complication in my life.

No I mean I loathe the things I have to do to cultivate and maintain my submissive heartset.  Do I enjoy being spanked? HELL NO!  I mean not even a reset-though slower to start therefore easier to take in the long run it isn't a fun adventure.  Barney has and will employ BDSM tactics(?) to achieve a certain level of resetting as well.  And while I endure and my body often betrays me to indicate I enjoy it, it isn't something I crave. ( Though I am not a huge fan of 'vanilla' sex...I am more referring to the slight torture aspect lol). What I do crave is the power exchange that is created in both of these scenarios.  Do I find it 'yummy' to be told to get on my knees, or kneel- nope.  Do I find it enjoyable to wearing a plug while vacuuming, kneeling on pebbles in a freezing corner, being told to get off the computer, eat this, don't eat that, wear this, phone me if you want to have a drink/buy something/leave the house ...blah, blah, blah....Can't say I do.  No doubt my face generally indicates that as well.  BUT what I do enjoy is the benefits of doing these things- um more than the relief that I might be punished if I don't.  The benefit of, for whatever crazy reason, keeping  me unguarded.  The benefit of being constantly in my husband's 'cross hairs'.  The intimacy that is created because I have submitted to his wants, especially because I don't WANT to do them.

This isn't to say that when life is grand in the Submissive World of Willie, that I can't enjoy some aspects of submissive acts.  Some things, chore lists etc, actually become more meaningful for me.  Some days that meaning might just be that I accomplished them despite myself! lol . It also doesn't mean that I don't anticipate the needs of my husband without prompting as I do enjoy that but to me that isn't submission.

Do I have thoughts during the day like, " Well I wish he'd just ....."  yes, yes I do.  Now how confusing is that? I loath doing it, but please tell me to do it.  (Of course it goes without saying the fact that he SAYS those 'things' need to be done is a large part of the process as well)  Those of you out there that can follow my crazy rant here would probably understand it for what it is.  For me it is the end goal feeling, not the things I need to do to get me there that is the reason for the submissive acts.  I understand that there are subs out there that LOVE and Crave the acts themselves, for what they are. And I am generally a people pleaser so there is that too. But I mean  they love it, and I say "Good on you!"  I think sometimes life would be so much better and easier for Barney if I did just gleefully spring into action EVERY TIME.  I don't.  As Barney said, " You are 100% submissive - 95% of the time". It is the 5% that he tends to see now.

(Here is the don't feel sorry or 'sad' for me portion of the post )

The last month has probably been one of, if not the most difficult months in my entire life.  I know it has been THE most difficult month in the last 21 years.  There are a number of factors which have contributed to this outstanding statement,but in truth the hows or whys really aren't important.  It will be a very long time for some factors to be removed, and IF other factors can be fixed they will take a long while with a lot of work as well.  I am generally not one who can sit by and wait for life to work itself out, or to watch on the sidelines- sadly some of these situations require just that.

The one thing I can actively work on is our relationship.  It has taken a direct hit, and in some ways there was no avoiding it as focus had to be put in other areas emotionally.  However in doing so it created a situation where my submissive self became barricaded deep inside.  The dial was switched to Personal Survivor Mode.  See the big issue there?  PERSONAL....not exactly a great word to use in conjunction with ttwd dynamic.  So locked was this dial on the Personal Survivor Mode station, things Barney used to see as indications that I wasn't where I needed to be became a bone of contention.  Resentment.  The dreaded word of any relationship! Why didn't I JUST DO IT??? Were his thoughts.  It is my need after all why don't I just do it?

I was talking to a dear OLD friend last night.  We  often discuss various things but last night was a different kind of conversation, probably due to sheer emotional exhaustion on both our parts. We started discussing our submission in a way perhaps we haven't in a while.  One thing she mentioned to me in reference to something else was, the fact of how fortunate we were to " have experienced the benefits and beauty of submission".  A light went off in my head this morning thinking of that (yeah I'm a bit slow these days).  That is what has been missing these past few months.  Right before the house of cards started crumbling down around us, we had had a pretty wonderful week.  Unfortunately the pressure one felt coupled with and because of  the fulfillment of the other, seemed to cause issues immediately after said week.  I felt deeply during that week.  I felt free and myself again, even though I did screw up, and question myself as to why.  I felt it.  I felt the benefits and beauty of it.  I was once again A submissive not merely BEING submissive (and that is okay if you identify as the latter- I don't mean to put a public hierarchy on it, I am only referring to my personal feelings of self).

For the last while,and again somewhat due to life circumstances, I haven't felt fulfilled in or with my submission.   This morning I was punished, sigh AGAIN, which you know is part of the deal right? It was physically a challenging punishment to take as I had been severely punished yesterday and that had yet to leave me.  The severity wasn't due to  my act that got me punished but because of my 'act' WHILE being punished.  If you are new here or you know forgot- I tend to be a bit of a hard head which later in the day after my bravado wears off and my butt thaws is NEVER a good thing.  After my punishment I was told to reflect on how I was currently feeling and tell Barney when he asked.

Okay ladies and gents this is generally NOT a good thing for us! LOL.  At least not of late.  Barney should really know by now that he shouldn't ask questions he doesn't really want to hear the answer too! My response was I felt resentful.  I was punished and I deserved to be based on our dynamic.  I am not denying that.  I felt resentful because I feel like maybe he is putting me in a position to force his hand- literally.  He is trying to get us back on track.  He is being consistent with punishments, but for me, the punishment is a result of something else not working, or being acknowledged.  Please don't take this for me BLAMING Barney for my actions....though I suppose it does sound like that doesn't it? These are actually  his words from the not so distant past.  These punishments are isolated incidents.  Without his active dominance after, there is a void.

I never tested Barney when we started ttwd.  I know I have mentioned that countless times.  I am no saint.  I just didn't do it because he said if he ever thought I was testing him, he would end our dynamic.  I guess that stuck with me.  Have I 'poked the bear'?  Yup.  And as I have also said, I didn't test him because I was afraid that he would 'fail' and then where would I be?  In addition to that, for years I loved just doing what was required of me.  That along with self analysis was enough to help me discover who I was deep down.  But as life changes, and discoveries are made complications arise.  We are all organic in nature as are our relationships.  Those who choose not to continually adapt may eventually fail.  ( If you are married to a pain in the butt like me )

In the past, though not often with a grand amount of consistency, red flags would go up if I was being punished.  Honestly I am an emotional creature (shut it) and punishments often are not a deterrent for me.  What I mean to say is 'in the moment' I tend to forget that my butt is going to fry, or I will be unplugged (electronically) because of my words or actions.  Naturally over time Barney began to see punishments as being a failure on his part because to him I am not fearful of them (ask me right before on day two and see how NOT fearful I am of them).  I now fear the red flags are not being seen, just the red ass.  The building on dominance from the ultimate dominant situation, has been missing. (Save today, but I had already started to write, so just go with me on this one).

As I stated earlier, when situations arise and we find ourselves where we currently are, I tend to see things as isolated events.  One event not really connecting to another.  Barney tends to fixate on one 'type' of dominance during these times.  For example punishments and reactions. However, when things are running as smoothly as they can here

(pretty much as smoothly as this)

Barney can multitask in his domination.  Though punishments are rare in that 'euphoric' state...lol

Here's the thing....there are so many conflicting messages being transmitted out by me...even 5 years in.  

I need this, but I hate aspects of  it

I want you to make me, but I don't want to do it...but I will because I want to.

Make it your own, but don't forget how it affects me

Consistency with punishment is required for effective results- but it isn't all about reacting and punishments

Cultivate but ....

And when we are in a good place, these messages don't seem to be so loud, but when we go off course, everything seems to cause hurt, frustration, and the world's worst secondary emotion- anger!

All of these things of course can be talked about.  The issue really becomes not only putting it into practice, but a practice that BOTH can see.

The issue with 'falling off of the wagon' is the interpretation of the past.  What if one is clinging to the successes while one is clinging to the failures?  What if the one clinging to the successes is also affected deeply by the failures, and is holding back moving forward because of it, yet indicates that the other SHOULD just push through?

YUP....clear as mud.

We are fine (yes the dreaded word).  Barney is holding true to what he currently can.  To be honest it is me.  I am the issue.  I can go on and on as to the whys I believe I am the hold out but I'm not entirely sure that would be helpful.  After all it would only be my interpretation of events.  So the whys to me (for once in my life) aren't as important.  I have to just put one foot in front of the other and follow along- doing the best that I personally can.  But there is the issue, can/ want/ need....sigh what if some of it I loathe and after so long of not believing it mattered if I did or didn't-( you know "If a tree falls in a forest..." )how do I convince myself I should; that it will matter? At the very least to me once again?

Submissive Spirit Often Brought on by Obedient Action? “What does it mean to submit? Submission is a matter of attitude, a matter of the spirit. What does it mean to obey? Obedience is a matter of the conscience, a matter of outward behavior. Submission is inward, whereas obedience is outward.” – Witness Lee (The Difference Between Submission and Obedience)

I initially discovered this quote months ago and have had it rolling around in my head for a long time.  I have written this post several times in my head, on paper and even in blogger, yet it never came to express what I wanted to.

It always amazing me, yet it really shouldn't, how people tend to get their defenses up when it comes to certain words- in this case I am thinking of obey or obedience.  I say it shouldn't surprise me as 8 years ago the word 'sub' rubbed me the wrong way.  As we evolved in our dynamic ( evolved in reference to B and myself- I do not mean to imply that those who started out in Dd and don't identify with the Dom/sub dynamic have not evolved) I began to have a greater understanding how using the word 'sub' did not have negative connotations.  As a friend of mine recently said to me, words DO matter and they ARE important.  The words we choice have a universal meaning, if I balk at certain word, I now tend to examine the deeper meaning as to why I do so.

Obedience or obey is not something I have ever balked at.  The definition is clear and at no point in the definition does it say it is prerequisite to be mindless to obey or be obedient in nature. I have always been obedient for the most part.  I am not a rule breaker. Well, not in any great way.  I do drive over the speed limit at times- marginally.  I did drink before I was of age.  But as a whole, I have always followed rules.  The one exception would really be 'conventional norms' or rules of society.  But let's face it those are grey areas- left up to interpretation.

Which brings me to submission and obedience and how I interpret the difference or their symbiotic relationship within our D/s dynamic.   When I brought Dd to Barney, I had it in my mind that he would set those rules and I would obey them- or face physical consequences.  I can't honestly say I am a spanko, but the idea of his authority over me did and does have a great, positive effect. Well, it didn't really turn out that way in the beginning.  And as frustrating as that was at the time, I am now so grateful it didn't.

While B was trying to figure out this entire Dd- D/s thing, I figured out myself ( sort of, let's be honest that will always be an ongoing process).  I learned what it meant to submit without being obedient.  Not that I wasn't obedient, but there was not a great deal of things I was required to obey for the first few years.  He would imply things he prefered and I would 'jump' on the opportunity to submit to it.  If I did not there would be no consequence- other than my disappointment in passing it by.  During that time however, I rarely did miss the opportunity.

I would be out and out lying if I told you I wasn't disappointed that the obey or else aspect was lacking in our dynamic.  Or at least the tone of that.  Let's face it there is an erotic vibe that comes from knowing deep down that there will be a consequence to our action or in action - if you are a submissive wife by choice that is.  At least in theory - the reality can be quite different when it is time to 'pay'.

The required obedience in our case is where the power exchange comes into play.  To me it is that very exchange that has the erotic charge.  Knowing I will be held accountable for his rules, and expectations is what brings me to him.  The observation and maintaining of my obedience by B is key to my submission.  For me it brings authenticity to our dynamic.  It is what sets our dynamic a part from play.  It allows me the freedom to know that my submission is paramount to B.  It proves to me that B wants me to be submissive and in turn wants me to be ME.

My submission is second nature to me.  In fact for the most part I talk myself OUT of being submissive when I feel we are 'off' ( yeah, I know makes absolutely NO sense).  When I feel my obedience to his rules and expectations are expected but he is not willing to fortify that thought through action, I tend to close up.  I tend to let my submissive heartset be gagged.  I tell myself, ' it doesn't matter'.  Yet it does.  If not to B at the time, to me.

When I chose to not be submissive, anticipate his needs and act upon my instincts I create my own barrier between us.  I shut down my authentic self, often telling myself it is safer to do so. When I do  we return to parallel lives.  I continue to obey what I should but I do not allow that to permeate my inner core and this does not allow me to live my life to the fullest.  By not living my life to the fullest in this aspect we cannot connect the way we should.

Obedience to me is an outward action- much like the quote states.  I can go through the motions and to the naked eye all is well in our dynamic.  To the experienced eye, the heart, it is hollow.  Sure things do get done, words are respectful but the deep connection to self and each other tends to be lacking.  Often it takes B a while to pick up on this.  Another cannot always see what is in your heart.  And to me that is the difference between submission and obedience, submission is from the heart.  I can be told to clean the toilet (lame example) and obey, or I can be told and submit.  The action is not important.  I could be told to service my husband and obey - detached, holding a part of me back, unwilling to feel what I know is there- or I could submit and give to him heart and soul while 'servicing'.  The act regardless of what it is, becomes pleasurable to the heart because it is an opportunity to submit and exchange power by doing so, as opposed to just going through the motions.  The act becomes about what HE wants and fulfilling that as opposed to truly being about me, which in all honesty ends up fulfilling me because of that fact.

Confusing isn't it? LOL.  For me his required obedience now maintains a level of my submission that is at its core most basic and perhaps primal.  It isn't what drives me forward, I do that.  I own  my submission.  It does however help cultivate my submission.  His required obedience of me proves to me that ttwd and the exchange of power within it is important.  From there I can be free to bask and grow in my submission, knowing it is accepted by him and therefore removing all fear and barriers I create in my head/heart to be me.

"As an individual submits to authority or power, there exists a particular bond between the one who submits and the one in power. This brings to focus that submission comes from within unlike obedience"

https://www.differencebetween.com/difference-between-submission-and-vs-obedience/

I have discovered, our relationship works best when my obedience and submission are working together.  It works best when it is symbiotic.  When they don't, well the obedience is generally key to get me back to where I need to be.  There is a lot to be said for going through the motions (at times) until I am back on track.  As for B, I have observed, when we are not on track my submission is required not long after my obedience to get him where he needs to be.  He is no longer 'the untrained' eye, and obedience can only get him so far without him feeling my heart is in it too.

On a more personal, potentially self involved level,  I have felt most free, when my submission is strongest regardless of  demanded obedience- this happened about 3 or 4 years into our dynamic.  Once B started to demand more of me ( yet didn't always follow through if I messed up) , my submission took off in ways I didn't believe it could.  Or perhaps to the outside world in ways they always saw, but it meant so much more to me internally.

So all this blah, blah, blah to really say:  To me, the difference  between obeying and submitting within the context of our dynamic is -

*and then some

Self-Validation(or inability) and It’s Affects on our Dynamic

Life is funny you know?  People, things, circumstances, even thoughts have a way of finding you in the most unlikely way - sometimes the timing is actually good too! Take abby and my joint writing venture : AT The Heart of It

We decided that we'd like to take a stab at writing about the same subject to discover things about ourselves. either where we struggle or how we have grown and perhaps why.  The idea of At The Heart of It originated because often we think we are going to talk about one thing and end up discovering what the heart of it really is to us while digging deeper.   I doubt we will be doing a weekly prompt type idea- we want to find the right question for us and give it the attention it requires. Who are we kidding we are wordy writers, once and a while will be enough for all involved- writers AND readers!

So without further adieu today's subject: Self Validation/ Love of Self ( Didn't want to get you all excited thinking about Self Love *wink*).

( click here for abby's post)  

(Blondie decided to Join in too!)

The Affects of Self Validation On Our Dynamic

Our son is becoming an amazing artist, but that is not his gift.  He has been gifted with determination. When he first stepped foot on the path he is walking, he faced some very harsh news regarding his first portfolio attempt. Whether it was his passion, his determination or both, he picked himself up, reexamined his work,  where he was placing his focus and set to make it right, despite his critic's suggestions he take another route. He didn't get accepted into his first choice college, which ended up to be a Godsend as his second choice was more suited to his style and area of talent strength in the long run. He was still over the moon to be living what he loved.

I can draw, but I never developed my talent like he did. I tell others that 'back then, it wasn't as encouraged', but the truth of it is, I didn't believe in myself as he does himself. He isn't arrogant, selfish or delusional- he's driven and confident in his future abilities even if they are buried at the moment.

I often joke that we have no idea where that comes from.  Although if I examine his drive in comparison to how I am with in our dynamic, I know precisely where he got it from. Once I discovered who I really was, my passion/obsession, and determination became focused on maintaining that woman. Unfortunately over time, maintaining turned to protecting, which ultimately changed to questioning   Being a submissive does involve a lot of interpersonal development, but it also requires exchange at times with the same intensity on the opposite side of 'the slash'. ( Perhaps a post topic for another time)

Self validation is an interesting phrase to me. Others may prefer " acceptance of self " or " love of self" and while I have read those and similar phrases over the years, self validation struck a cord in me. Perhaps it was timing or the source. I began to read about external and internal validation with great interest. External validation concerning my submission is actually not difficult to come by- It is wonderful to be seen by friends isn't it?

But what about those times when you are alone? Those times your friends are not available. Those times when your significant other is busy, distracted, on a different D/s plain or God forbid, STRUGGLING?  This would be the time self validation should be there to draw on.

Once upon a time I was able to turn to myself and my acceptance of my inner voice. Life might not have been great around me, but my part in my life, in my skin was.  Looking back I wonder how much of that self validation was initiated from within or whether it was more based on external sources. Does it even matter some may wonder?

In my case I think it does.  For if I was so as well equipped in self validation back then I as I thought I was, where has that perspective gone?

So what exactly does this have to do with our dynamic? I am coming to believe that perhaps I confused approval with acceptance.  I gained approval of self by B agreeing to ttwd. This lead the way for me to feel accepted and thus accepting myself. But perhaps. while a necessary step to growth, I stopped too short and have yet to determine the depth required to own my self validation, guilt free.

If I return back to the thinking about our son, nothing these people in the business told him (negatively) deterred him.  He held true to his dream regardless.  His determination is commendable but his ability to see himself and draw from that is nothing short of miraculous, especially given his young age.  Yes he turns to us at times when he is struggling, to hear what he already knows. He takes our hand to help him back to the path he has constructed mostly on his own.

And what of his mother? She currently is not as brave. Digging deep seems to not do much more than churn up waters, clouding my judgment concerning myself. I tend to see myself no problem,  when I am alone. However the minute I am with B now I blow out that beacon of light.

My Submissive Heartset tends to be shrouded in things that have been said, doubt, comparison, what ifs, if onlys...The issue should not be that I have experienced negativity or perceived it at times. The issue then becomes " accept yourself" . Stop looking at others to fill that void.  Fill the void yourself and use that area to stand up and shout, " This is Me! I am not perfect, I don't love all aspects of me, but I DO love me!".

Instead I close up. I project that I am no longer vulnerable.  I can do without this. It isn't important. You didn't hurt me. I don't feel rejected for me. ( The interesting notion is that closing up or shutting down is not being vulnerable. When in reality is merely a 'bid' for someone to notice the internal shift with an external clue).  Mentally I degrade my submission, my need. I tell myself that my past reality might not have been truths and that current realities are the truth that has always been.

I was reading  the other day how often when we fail to self validate we punish ourselves. When "we reject.. ourselves in this way, we exacerbate our feelings, because we then feel bad about two things: the original incident and the pain we’re causing ourselves." Lori Deschenel. I am familiar with this. I discovered what is currently "At the Heart of It" is I am creating a force field and pushing B away in the hopes of  not feeling too deeply - thus creating exactly what I don't want. I am also not being true to myself and that makes me fearful, miserable and not able to self validate because I am outwardly projecting the complete opposite of who I truly am at times.

If B was in a rut before, ( he's still here let's just say we are on different D/s plains at the moment), I have placed my foot on the gas to make sure those wheels are spinning at high speed digging us deeper.

I used to be able to shake it off more easily. ' He will come around. I know who I am- regardless of what he does.'  I still know who I am..I just seem to have a more difficult time allowing her out.  And if I am too afraid to see her, how is he ever going to? I have realized how I project myself in our dynamic is directly affected by my ability to self validate. Without that anchor of deep self acceptance from within, the D/s foundation I build with B is shaky at best.

I should probably take time to say that this isn't meant to be a 'woe is willie' post or even an advice seeking one. LOL.  I just wanted to get to the heart of the matter as to why perhaps I am not feeling my submission as deeply as I once was, and how my perception of self can get in the way. Don't you worry,  I'll get my sh*t together soon enough *wink*

 ***

I could go on to explain ways to self validate, but there is tons on that via the web ( try tinybuddha.comhttps://tinybuddha.com/blog/5-ways-to-validate-be-part-of-your-support-system/)

As an aside- I found this and it really spoke to me so I thought I'd share :

" As we go through personal developmental changes, our intimacy need is also changed from a sheer need for protection and approval to the need for being fully understood and connected emotionally and spiritually. When the people very close to us fail to meet such a higher need, we experience the lack of spiritual self-validation. Sometimes we exaggerate minor incidents through selective perception and self-critical reasoning into crisis situations, and fail to value our self-worth and competence.

Various psychological processes take place when we are in these situations. We feel denied access to the right to be and the right to feel at such moments. We feel as if a part in us is slowly dying in pain. We start doubting our self-worth, and losing confidence and self-respect. Our self-identity gets shaken, and we become unsure of who we are and what we are. We lose sight of the meaning of life and become hopeless and directionless. "(Trumpeter (1993)

ISSN: 0832-6193

On Self-Validation

F. Ishu Ishiyama

University of British Columbia)

What is Pain to You ( A submissive writing assignment)

Barney gave me another writing assignment as a reflective, submissive exercise. I have to admit this was initially a bit of a challenge. I stared at the question for quite sometime trying to figure out exactly what he might be looking for. Before he left for work he said something about very loose perimeters as far as this assignment went, and I took it to heart and ran with whatever came to mind.

* I have to admit it was a difficult decision to share this post. Not so much because of the content but because of the discussions  we had after B read it. Barney started our conversation with, " It is not what I expected but it is still good"- or something like that. Well I lost it. Not yelling and screaming lost it. I closed up. Then he lost it. As I stated, when initially giving me this assignment he told me I had very loose perimeters with the subject matter. By commenting that it wasn't what he was expecting I felt initially robbed of that.  But there was more to it.  It took a while before we came to that understanding.  

After calming down B returned and apologized to me.  He put into words what I was really feeling before I could ( I was still upset over the 'loose perimeters' that weren't in my mind). He basically said, " I know your goal is to always please me and I have to be more attentive to that when I talk to you.  I am not disappointed in what you wrote.".

I thought back to other times I had similar reactions in a discussion. It was true on so many levels,I really don't like not providing what is expected of me or having him and others  who I respect disappointed in me- but there was also another layer to that. Those who read my comments on other blogs can attest, I tend to see things very differently than others, (thank you dyslexia). Most times this is a very good thing, but it still always makes me feel like a fish out of water.  Earlier in the week it was pointed out to me on a blog I had commented on.  So B's comment was adding insult to injury.  Just like the post where  I had put my comment on, I reread B's question several times.  I couldn't for the life of me see where I had errorred. What I had missed.  Couple that with not living up to his expectation, after putting myself 'out there' for him it was basically soul crushing.

And if I am to be honest, brutally honest, I am still not over my feelings on the matter.  Yes I *am* insecure when it comes to writing, especially because I am now unprivate again and many of my longtime readers are no longer. I am forever second guessing my comments and posts because they seem so out in left field compared to others. BUT this is who I am and there is only one way to get over those demons and that is to plug on! (no pun intended)

****

What is pain to you, physical, and emotional?

I am going to assume you mean within the context of our dynamic and not me stubbing my toe?

Physical pain administered within the context of our dynamic is the exchange of power in the highest, yet also most basic form. Physical pain, once accepted is the emptying of the mind. It is the restoring of power. It is the ultimate surrender to a dominating force. Pain not only empties the mind, it breaks down walls, and secures the submissive heart. Depending on why the pain is being administered depends on what it does to me. I am not often one who needs the pain to release the guilt. I am more the one who requires it to restore the balance of power in my mind- or at the very least start that process. In addition to restoring the balance of power it solidifies to me that whatever has occurred is truly important enough for you to make sure I have felt your displeasure

My mindset

Pain ( Merely one way pain is administered. It doesn't always take this form)

Balance of Power Restored

It is the exclamation point to your words. I wouldn't say that pain alone is the deterrent for not repeating offences, but the fact that you administer it brings an air of authenticity to the significance of our dynamic from you and shows your desire to keep us in our designated roles. In some twisted way the fact that you physically dole out pain if I am not being submissive, in action, attitude or words says to me that my submission is as important to you as it is to me and that neither of us should expect any less.

Physical pain alone for me is not erotic. The power exchange must exist in order for the pain to contain an arousing aspect. It took me a long time to figure out why erotic spankings were not for me, or why resets seemed to take much longer than punishments to 'set the stage' for a physical change in me. They both were lacking the type of power required for my mind to allow those walls to come down and allow the sexual being out. Of course your resets are different now but they still do take longer than a punishment to allow myself to let go- to feel my submissive self reemerge.

Physical pain for your pleasure is entirely different, yet it isn't. There is a power exchange occurring but the context changes the emotions during that exchange. Currently, I still need to be informed when I am submitting to pain for your pleasure. Physical pain often manifests itself in anger which can have my head swirling in countless directions. Knowing in advance that my pain is strictly for you helps me channel more helpful emotions which dull the anger response that comes from the biting, instant pain. While I don't enjoy that pain, the fact that you do and the fact my submitting to you for it (eventually) instills a bit of submissive pride in me. I did say eventually. If you stop before I can reconcile my anger response to the latest strike- well eventually might come after more snarling and snorting...lol

Emotional pain is the worst type of pain I can experience anywhere, but particularly within the context of this dynamic. Since starting ttwd a great majority of old walls have come down, which is a wonderful thing- yet it isn't if emotional pain arrives. Without these old coping mechanisms that are not, the emotional pain is quick, raw and often lingering. I have no choice now but to feel this pain as I cannot seem to suppress what I used to. Often the emotional pain can manifest itself physically if left unresolved or at the very least it can cast a dark shadow over many areas of our lives until it is.

Emotional pain to me is the catalyst for attempting to return to my old ways. It is the catalyst for shutting down, and shutting out. It turns down the volume on my submissive voice and sends the negative thoughts to 11. ( Impressive that I can use a SpinalTap reference in a Ds submissive exercise!). Emotional pain snowballs into areas it has no business going, yet it does. It sends out signals of distrust.

It creates a force field constructed of anger to keep others at bay and to protect whatever is left behind it. Emotional pain feeds itself on self esteem. The longer it is experienced the more damage it creates.  This type of pain can multiply and spawn emotional self harm. Experiencing these depths of pain can set our dynamic back to a point where the good has been temporarily forgotten. Its effects can be farther reaching in comparison to any physical pain- especially if ignored for a period of time.

Often understanding abates emotional pain, but given the opportunity physical pain can stop it in its tracks before it has a chance to create more damage.

Want/Need ( not what you think I am going to say..)

I have been in several discussions over the past few months concerning the term ‘Natural Submissive’ It isn’t what I am about to write about but these discussions are  where this realization came from.

I have heard the terms want vs needs and all sorts of explanations of what each means and where each falls in “the” diagram depending on what side of ‘the slash’ you fall on ( ie her needs/his needs/his wants/her wants)....again not what I am referring too. 

I discovered long ago the submissive in me.  I know the NEED is there.  I say NEED because in order to live my life in my authentic form I need to be submissive.  BUT..............in all honesty I don’t NEED to be submissive.  Submissive to thrive but not survive. 

I have come to the realization that what varies is my want..my WANT to work on my need.  While trying to explain my view on the term “Natural Submissive” I decided to use a tangible talent as an example.  Suppose one is born with the natural ability to draw for example.  Early in life they stand out from the rest perhaps? Eventually though in order to thrive with their natural talent they are going to have to work on it and push themselves- learning and growing or I’d imagine they would hit the ceiling like anyone else.  Talent can get you started but one generally has to work on that talent to advance themselves.  So it was this line of thinking that had me realize the want/need perspective I have.

Let’s suppose I have this natural NEED to be submissive, or A submissive. While it got the ball rolling I still had/have to work on different aspects of my submission, what it looks like for B, what he wants, needs, desires...how they match up, do they match up...or on days when I just don’t feel like it- ‘acting’ the part until I feel something more authentic again.

So to me while the need is always there, the WANT is key to success or stumble.  How much do I *want* to work to cultivate and embrace my need? 

Back to my talent example.  How many artists ‘peaked’ at a young age?  How many artists are out there saying, “ I used to draw in high school and I wasn’t bad”. Perhaps the ‘used to’ was not because their talent disappeared but their wanting to develop it did or never existed to begin with.  For me thetr are days when I don’t WANT to embrace my ‘need’.  Days when I feel it is too much to feel that.  Days when my want disappears, but there are not days when my need does.

Updating A Blogland Analogy to Fit Us

Updating A Blogland Analogy to Fit Us

Odd, I created this space to write, and then I didn’t.  Believe it or not that isn’t typical of me.  I have written a lot for Reed, or perhaps AT Reed would be more accurate, but not to share.

Why today? ( especially as I am ‘high’ on medication and after rereading the entire post several times, am confused as to why I started writing it in the first place? LOL) I can’t actually answer that. …

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Moving from Supporting to Cultivating My Submission

B and I have been talking a great deal about stumbles in our dynamic- particularly at this busy time of year.  These discussions had me going back to my blog to reread.  Sometimes the best way to explain something is to reread it for us.  It sucks that at times we still circle back to areas we have stumbled in before but this post was a good reminder of who we are...thus the share I suppose. 

(From Feb 2017)

When we started Dd, and for perhaps the first year Barney's role was actually one of support.  That is not too say he was not the growing leader.  His role however, after expectations were established,was one that was reactionary.  For example, if I did or did not do abc, I ideally could expect xyz.  If he noticed I was drifting away, he would react accordingly ( on occasion) to bring me back. I spent the better part of two years discovering who I truly was, and then accepting it.  Initially when I first discovered the Dd lifestyle I longed for the closeness I had read about between couples that Dd created. In  those first couple of years we had the benefit of meeting several Dd couples who were further along in their adventure than us.  I remember Barney and I talking after one such vacation about a friend of ours and how he and I both hoped that I would be able to turn to him with the depths  she turned to her husband.  In the end we concluded she and I were different women and it probably wasn't going to happen. We were wrong!  Thank goodness for that because it is wonderful (when it IS wonderful that is).  What changed?  Our methods for reaching  the core of me for one, but before that, our perception of me.  OKAY FINALLY getting to my point. We changed our methods (an ongoing struggle by the way).  Or perhaps more accurately we embraced what was already there and allowed that to be the focus.  Barney (after much conversation, heartache and struggles on both our parts) began to understand that being proactive as opposed to reactionary was a far better way to allow me to be who we both desired.  I suppose I should reword that.  I haven't changed at all in many ways.  In some ways I have become much, much more feisty than before.  However, that is the whole of me.  Not always the BEST of me, but it is the authentic me. Those feisty episodes generally surface when I have felt hurt (not necessarily that Barney HAS hurt me, but I have felt hurt).  Those times aside, I am weightless.  I am not carefree by any means.  I just see things for the way they are.  Anxiety does not alter my perception.  I can view many things much more positively.  The most beneficial part is the feeling that I radiate from within.  There are no shields to protect me, because I don't require them. THAT is who we want me to be. Sure I get hurt.  Sometimes far more than I ever did before, but I FEEL...oh do I feel.  It is most definitely a double edge sword, but one I will risk. . Back to proactive.Barney said not too long ago that he will always want to support me in my submission.  Well......... that actually didn't go over so well. I do want my husband to be supportive of me in many, many areas of my life.  Where I don't actually require support is in my submission.  Hear me out. Perhaps I am splitting hairs, but the slight distinction has made a big difference for us. As far as my submission goes,  I own it.  I know who I am. I came to that conclusion a while ago. Prior to that I did need him to support me in my discovery. I am (most days) very comfortable with who I am and where I want to be/stay. He can't MAKE me submissive. What I need him to continue to do, and this isn't always easy due to life and reality beyond our small bubble, is to CULTIVATE my submission.  I need him to help create an environment that continues to allow me to embrace my core. When he cultivates there is no need to support (though I realize you can argue the support is implied) because I am flourishing.  There are no long term doubts.  Not to say there are not struggles.  But that is part of the cultivation process. So what does that look like?  Well I could give specifics but everyone is very different. Honestly I am very different from day to day...week to week. A great deal of it has to do with removing bits of control from my grasp. Some days it is as simple as giving me tasks.  I don't need a list to accomplish things (though I don't by any means fault those who do), but there is joy to be found for me in accomplishing things that HE wants.  I still accomplish what I want - after his needs.  Most of the time his needs are things I would have already done anyway, but the fact that he sat down and thought about what he wanted and why means something to me. In a way it gives me permission to be submissive, (which one could argue is also a supportive aspect).  It allows me to see that my submission is important to him,and that is of the utmost importance to me. It also gives him a less abstract way of seeing my submission. Those household task lists help keep me where I need to be, but they do not 'bring me' to where I need to be.  Helping me get closer to my core comes from things that are more challenging.  For poor Barney this generally means becoming more creative.  Some days it means humbling me, not humiliating but stripping me of my armour.  This can be physical, but more often than not he has to claim my mind before he can claim my submissive heartset again.  Generally it means taking me out of my comfort zone.  It doesn't always have to be a grandiose gesture.  Some days it can be as simple as bathing me.  YUP....for whatever reason that simple act softens me.  See?  Not so kinky.  Though there are other times where....well I'm not going to write about that!  *wink*. Asking for things, and not feeling that the answer is ALWAYS going to be yes is another more 'tame' way he cultivates my submission.  Let me tell you, I really 'fail' at this, and OFTEN.  It is as if the question gets caught in my throat.  Generally it comes out as, " I'd really like another coffee".  Some days I get a flat out 'no'.  Other days I am on the receiving end of, " Well perhaps you should ASK me then".  If he is feeling generous, which is most times, he will respond with " Are you ASKING me?" If I am to be truthful the last one doesn't cultivate my submission much, but then again neither am I because I should just bite the damn bullet and ask.  Often I will forgo asking and do without. THAT IS HOW MUCH I HATE ASKING...LOL  I am aware..stupid..I want it, but I don't- Conquering the battle within is my burden,creating that battle is his . AND THAT is how he cultivates my submission.

Pride

Last year B had me write an essay.  I thought might as well share it here as I dug it up to share elsewhere.  NOTE not extremely well written, more just a woman writing to her husband. 

What personality traits or habits do you most need to overcome in order to grow in your submission?

*****

Initially when I read this assignment the first word that came to my mind was stubborn.  However, I believe that in the case of Dd my stubbornness is actually strength more times than not for keeping us afloat- or at least it was during the onset of Dd.  Naturally stubborn wasn’t the word I would end up choosing.

In my quest for choosing, I thought I would create a list; actually thinking this list in it’s entirely would make it into my writing.  While I stared at the aforementioned list (argumentative, aloof, stubborn, condemnatory, fearful) it occurred to me that all of these traits stemmed from one specific area.  PRIDE.

The definition I first came across to illustrate my point did anything but, “having a high opinion of one’s self” . Yeah not so much. I can and do sometimes take pride in things I have done, but the pride that stands in my way of my submission isn’t that type of pride. I then took to the internet abandoning traditional definitions to find someone who perhaps could explain better than I how pride can stop us from truly being ourselves.

I ended up finding many things on various religious sites.  The best explanation I can come up with how pride cripples my growth is this:  Pride tends to keep our own weaknesses, mistakes and regret to ourselves.  I am no stranger to this.  It is pride that keeps me from talking to you concerning my fears, my insecurities, and my needs.  It is pride that stops me from submitting.  I may become argumentative, and condemnatory, justifying that I didn’t submit because I am fearful of what will happen tomorrow, but if I examine it, it is truly because of pride.  I don’t want to face my weaknesses, at least during those times.  Often when I am alone, I have every intention of sharing with you the next time I see you.  The moment you walk through the door, upon reflection, it is as if I find fault with things so I can convince myself not to share; to close up.  As you can also see, I can become condemnatory.  By doing so I don’t have to look at my faults and therefore admit to myself that I am not as submissive (anymore) as I once was.

Pride is a force field of sorts.  It prevents me from being humble, and therefore stops the next step -vulnerability (which is why certain humbling exercises work well with women).  Deep in my heart, okay not even that deep, when we are in a horrible place I KNOW  I am the primary reason for it.  Sure, I NEED you to pull out my vulnerability in able for me to not be so proud, to be raw with you, but I am the one who hides behind pride.  The fear of embarrassment is too strong- not always from you but embarrassment of self.

I think that is perhaps why I get so upset now when we aren’t on course.  I know I have it in me to be UBER submissive, and it isn’t that I need you to make me be submissive, it is that I need you to break down all those insecurities that allow my pride to protect me.  At the start of Dd it was seemed easier to not be so prideful, on so many levels.  The first being that I wasn’t that ‘deep’ into submission, I didn’t have the expectations of self I do now- mostly because I hadn’t  felt it as I have; The next being the obvious failure as of late.  The more I fail the more I am afraid to fail, therefore refusing to look inward in the presence of you or sharing faults with you instead focusing on what you aren’t delivering as opposed to what I am not protects the reality from surfacing.

I need your help on this there is no denying it.  If only I could be open with you as I am with myself in quiet moments.  If only I would share with you my thoughts and feelings- the very quiet ones that don’t fixate on you.  It seems I have lost that ability to drop the pride.  I suppose perhaps my pride is there because I feel like one of us to be ‘all together’ because of our past in ttwd..and even if I am NOT, I must keep up the appearance that I have all the answers.  After all I am the one who brought this to our doorstep.  I can’t be the one who fails at it.

The Onus is Always On Me First

The Onus is Always On Me First

Why does it take so long to reset a mindset? You KNOW in your head where you need to be but the heart always takes so much longer. Honestly I personally find this an extremely frustrating part of my character!

I read, A LOT.  Not Dd or D/s fiction, couldn’t be bothered, but the rest of you have at it if that is your thing, no judgment here.  I read a lot of blogs, tumblr, chats, (though I rarely…

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Couldn’t have said it better.  I once had a friend add, “I didn’t realize starting Dd would lead to self therapy sessions!” LOL.  Look where blind faith started.

I Didn’t Know

When I asked @cynicaldom for domestic discipline I talked about being held accountable. Punishments, rules, limits, boundaries. 

He didn’t really get it. He told me I was already good. He didn’t want to punish me for no reason. Why be harsh to someone you like? 

If I knew then what I knew now, I’d tell him something much different. 

I’d tell him, this is how you make me feel safe. This is how you can take care of me. This is how you can make me feel more comfortable having a louder voice. This is how you break down my walls, and get gifted my whole heart. This is how you can own all of me. 

This is how we can give each other more confidence. You’ll call the shots and I’ll admire you for being the head of the household. I’ll do as you ask of me and you’ll be surprised at what I’ll do to please you once you start instructing more. Yes, I need limits and boundaries and punishments but not to make me feel bad or to harm me. To let me let go of guilt, to move forward, to learn that I can make mistakes and still be loved and accepted. Sometimes I need a firm hand to remind me that you won’t let me take over, that this arrangement we’ve made is as solid as a wall. Or a paddle, anyway. Yes, I’m already a good girl, but if you let me, I’ll try hard to become my very best self through your guidance.

I’d remind him of how he told me he liked old-fashioned relationships years prior. Remember when I was in school and you were working and I felt bad about not working myself? You told me it was okay because I did the laundry and the dishes and you liked providing for us both. That was kind of an exchange back then and we didn’t see it. I’d explain that we can just update it and add onto it and call it D/s while still staying us. I’d say, I’m just asking for sort of a romanticized old-fashioned couple, where you lead and I defer to your decisions happily. You don’t have to be a cold, angry guy, I know that isn’t you and that isn’t what I want. You don’t have to feed my insecurities or my self-hatred. I know you are unwilling to do that anyway. I know you refuse to be anything but good to me, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be my Dominant. In fact, that’s what makes you worthy of leading. You can lead in ways that encourage me to be kinder to myself. You can be as empathetic and loving as you’ve always been. You can use your role to encourage me to open up, to set goals that I can achieve but hesitate to do without encouragement. You can take the control I hand to you, and admit to enjoying it and still be a good man. I’ll see myself and our relationship blossom under your leadership and will be convinced that you are the best man I know. You are the best man I know. 

I’d explain how this can feed off of itself, bringing us to a level of happiness we’ve never seen before. You’ll make me feel taken care of, which will make you feel good. Plus I’ll adore you for doing it, which will make you feel even better. I’ll feel better on seeing your happiness because pleasing me pleases you. And on and on it will go. 

I thought I was just asking for a disciplinarian. So I only told him about rules and punishments. None of that feeds his dominance, so my proposal didn’t particularly appeal to him. He was willing to try because he loved me, but from the beginning, he refused to run with all of my ideas. We started a form of DD he could accept after some negotiation. I didn’t know D/s existed outside of the strict and rather limited view that I had of domestic discipline. There’s a lot that we’ve added along the way that I didn’t know I wanted, but that I find so much happiness and meaning in. I didn’t know what I was getting into when I asked for DD. I had no clue we’d be here now. It certainly would have been easier to know more when we started, but I’m kinda glad we didn’t know. I love that we found our way here through his leadership.  

@cultivator-of-our-d-s-world me too! ' I don't like being spanked I like having BEEN spanked'

Seen

I’d love for @cynicaldom to be a mindreader. Of course, I realize that is completely absurd, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’d like to have my needs and desires met without communicating them, if I could.

I’m more confident than I used to be, but it still takes conscious effort to request what I need. Requesting what I want is harder yet. Spanking is particularly complicated because it’s definitely a need sometimes, and it can also be a want. Yet most of the time when it’s only a want, the desire to not experience pain outweighs my desire to be spanked. I don’t like being spanked, I like having been spanked. When I crave it, it’s the after-affects I’m craving, and the spanking itself that I don’t want. By the time that I’m asking for a spanking that I just want, the desire for it is to high that it’s almost a need, and the desire for the after effects are finally stronger than the desire to avoid the spanking. 

So often, when I start to think I want it, I hesitate to ask, and then the itch just increases until it’s really a need.  I start to realize if I don’t ask, I’ll end up pushing the boundaries, testing the waters - and I’ll end up in serious trouble and seriously regretting it and feeling guilty. So that motivates me to speak up.

This happened recently. I saw myself itching to push the boundaries, so I asked. The courage to ask came at a bad time, we were in the middle of working on something but I spoke up because it felt easier to say in that moment. He said he would later. But then an hour or two later, someone called and asked if they could come hang out and spend the night at our place. We talked it over and agreed that they would come over. My mind moved to checking over the house to make sure everything was presentable for a guest. I would have completely forgotten about the spanking, but he didn’t. His first thought was ‘let’s do the spanking before they get here.’ So that’s what we did. By then, I had been distracted by several other things and didn’t think I really needed, or wanted the spanking anymore. I wasn’t particularly happy to realize it was about to happen. Yet, It tickled me that it was his first thought, while I would have totally forgotten. It’s not an unusual or extraordinary moment for us, but for some reason, it just clicked in my head that he sees me. He sees what I need and he prioritizes me, even when I forget. 

I think the reason I like the idea of a mindreader is simply that I don’t like pushing my own agenda. I don’t like feeling like I have to push or shout to get what I need. We’ve been together long enough, and CD pays enough attention to me, where he often does know what I need or want without me saying it. It’s really nice because it makes me feel seen, but it will never be enough by itself. I have to make requests sometimes, and it isn’t just okay to do that. It’s good because it enables him to still choose to address my requests. I’ve understood that for a long time, as he’s told me so. I guess what I realized more recently was that it also enables him to give me what I’m truly after - the reminder that he sees me. That he wants to prioritize my needs, but sometimes I have to tell him what I need, so he can help. 

yup

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@cultivator-of-our-ds-dynamic

“Both men and women need a sense of security in relationships. Her security is meant to flow from his leadership, his from her submission.”

— D. Abbott (via moralcrusade)

I LOVE that the tiny decisions aren’t around anymore ( as much )!

I don’t need

vague opinions, possibilities, open ended options or the opportunity to dissect every single conversation, connotation or nuance.  I need clear direction. Manage me.   ‘I need you to…’ ‘I want you to…’ ‘You have to…’ ‘I would appreciate it if…’ ‘Would you please…’ Stroke my neck. Ask me to look at you. Maintain eye contact. Explain to me. Tell me. Hold my hands. Tell me how you want it done. Tell me how it is going to be.  I don’t want to discuss the minutiae. Having to make tiny decisions brings me out in a cold sweat.  You lead, I follow. 

Reblogging for the meme. 

“I Deserve”

Me: “I had this thought, ‘If I did that, I would deserve ice cream and chocolate and…,’ and then had to tell myself, no, you don’t do this to deserve anything, you do this because you’re his to do with as he pleases.”

Him: You do not deserve a damn thing. Your treats (*referring to the chocolate) are given as a reward for your good service.

Me: *blushes* Yes, Master, you’re right.

Him: I EXPECT good service, and doing as you are told does not justify a reward.

In the vanilla world, we hear a lot of “I deserve”. “You deserve a break today,” “I work hard at the gym, I deserve a pint of ice cream,” “I deserve a vacation,” “I deserve to be lazy today.” This is not how it works in the world of D/s and M/s.

I “deserve” to have my needs met. That is it. Do I deserve to skip exercise because I’m tired? No, that is not in His rules. Do I deserve a reward because I followed an order? Not at all. I earn His respect, I earn His punishments when they’re warranted, and I earn His “Good girl,” when it’s given. I am lucky in that He has started rewarding me for good service, but I do not deserve them.

I don’t deserve chocolate and lazy days and to ignore His rules. He has earned my obedience. I’ve always said we don’t actually want to get what we deserve in this life because I think we’d all be a bit surprised by how that would turn out.

What do I deserve for obeying my Master? Nothing. What do I get when I do? Everything.

Reblogging for the second last paragraph. 

The Collar….

We as Subs and Masters see a collar as an outward sign of a commitment. To those who don’t understand the depth and meaning of a collar, they may say “why not just get married” well, I have been married and yes I was committed to my husband, but that pales simply pales in comparison to the commitment I have pledged to My Master by accepting his collar.

Let me explain….. A collar is a symbol and let me be clear a collar is not necessarily a large leather choker worn around the neck with a big silver ring attached, for some people that is the case, but for others it can be as simple as a rubber band…. The significance is no less.

So the meaning of the collar for me, is more than “for better for worse, for richer for poorer in sickness and in health” the collar means I give you my everything, My heart…. It’s yours, you now hold the power I trust you enough to cherish it for the gift that it is. My body…. It’s yours to use as you see fit, knowing that the Trust we have between each other keeps me safe at all times. My mind…. I will be open to you at all times, I will answer all that is asked of me, and My spirit…. The essence of who I am is now also yours.

With the collar comes an understanding between Sub and Master that the Master will at all times put his Sub first, that her needs are the most important part of his being, including guidance to a better person. And that the Sub allows and enables the Master to do exactly that.