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A | 28 | taking my chances
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To My Only Sister
Mother's Day 2024 --
I saw you sa likod ng bahay. You parked your car sa likod and I suddenly got this sharp pain on my chest. Ang sakit. I came back inside right away and continued watching my anime to comfort me. I was watching them, I was laughing, but my mind was like "Ah.. so she can't even stand seeing my face now. She had to park sa likod just to avoid me." And I felt like shit.
I also felt bad for Mommy, Daddy, and Alden na naiipit satin. Especially Alden. He broke down lang nung isang araw cause he clearly was traumatized about our last argument. He said he kept replaying that scenario in his head a million times, trying to figure out if he could have said something else or done something else, but he never came up with anything.
We have always been opposites. Sa ulam na gusto. Sa boys. Sa ugali. We were never touchy feely. We never hold hands or hug each other when we're together. Kahit sa words hindi tayo malambing.
Pero I'm always happy pag magkakasama tayong tatlo. Kapag pinagtutulungan natin si Alden daganan sa kama. The game nights. Luto ng kwek kwek na matigas. Netflix marathons.
Kaya siguro ang sakit sakit nung dumating si James.
Binibring up ko na naman 'to kasi honestly I am still not okay from it. I honestly felt betrayed. I really thought na once you graduated, makakatulong ka na sa bahay. I actually told my boss na may possibility na mag quit na ko sa work around that time cause I wanted to go back to school. Kasi alam ko tapos ka na mag aral. Na ah, may sasalo na ng responsibilities ko kahit papano.
Pero wala pala.
The time you spent at home became less and less. There were weeks na uuwi ka ng bahay just to lock yourself in your room then Friday comes and you'll be spending it with James hanggang Sunday. I was upset. And also jealous. Super jealous.
Sana may freedom din ako like you. Sana pwede din akong magjowa without thinking about my responsibilities sa bahay. Na kung may maiaabot ba ko kay Mommy pag nangungutang sya. Or may pambayad ba ko ng bills.
I was so upset. And I tried telling this to Mommy pero what did she tell me? She told me "Ganun talaga. Ate ka. Intindihin mo nalang." WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT WAS THAT?!
Ganun talaga...
Ate ka.
Kaya ikaw ang umintindi.
So I bit my tongue. Swallowed all these feelings and tried to be happy for me.
I am happy for you.
ButI was upset. And jealous.
Then fast forward na tayo sa ngayon.
The night before the parent's arrival, nasa video chat tayo. I was tired that day cause of work and I just needed someone to talk to. Ako lang mag isa nun sa bahay kasi nasa galaan na naman si Alden. Then Mommy asked me about Alden's baking, and nasa kalagitnaan na naman ako ng kwento when she interrupted me to joke about your nose.
To you, to other people, wala lang yun. She was making a joke e. But to me, it was so upsetting. I was super upset.
Kasi I felt like, once again, nobody's listening to me.
Binaba ko yung tawag kasi I was so upset that I started crying. And that's all I did that night. Cry. I felt so alone.
Kaya nung dumating ka sa bahay kinabukasan, naglilinis palang kami. I was still not okay about last night. You raised your voice and even walked out the two times I've voiced out my concerns of you not listening to me when I talk or interrupting you while I'm talking so I said to myself, okay Ayra just try to make it through this day. Just keep quiet and don't say anything because if you say anything magagalit na naman sya.
Then you said "Galit ka ba? Kung galit ka aalis na lang ako."
NA, TO BE HONEST??? SOBRANG NAKAKAIRITA PAKINGGAN. SOBRANG NAKAKAIRITA TALAGA.
Then I tried to hold it together para di nalang tayo mag usap. Kaya sabi ko sayo Masanay ka na ganito na ko. KASI NGA AYOKO NA MAKIPAG AWAY. KASI YOU ALWAYS GET MAD EVERY TIME I SAY SOMETHING.
Then you said "Okay aalis na lang ko."
That's when I fucking snapped.
Hindi mo man lang sabihin na "Okay, anong nangyari. Bakit ka ganyan?"
WHY IS YOUR SOLUTION TO FUCKING EVERYTHING IS RAISE YOUR VOICE AND WALK AWAY?!!!???
Then when I told you that I feel like you don't listen to me YOU FUCKING SAID NA IF YOU WANT SOMEONE TO LISTEN TO YOU, GO TO A THERAPIST?!
Ang sakit nun, Angela. Ang sakit sakit nun sakin.
Kasi here I was, pouring my feelings out to you, hoping you could comfort me and say "Ate, I'm sorry, I'll try harder to listen to you.", but instead YOU TOLD ME TO GO TO A THERAPIST. It was a fucking slap in the face.
It's like you saying to me na "NOPE. I DON'T CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU FEEL. GO PAY A STRANGER TO FIX YOURSELF."
Then you had a meltdown.
So great.
I found it super hypocritical of you to tell me to be honest with my feelings, to be open to you, and when I was, you shut me down, screamed at me and walked away.
Kapag namang ganito na may cold war tayo lagi ako yung unang nag approach.
This time I won't do it. No. Not this time.
Cause I'm still hoping that maybe you can finally listen to me. That maybe you can finally hear me when I'm not saying anything.
You've always been headstrong so hindi ko alam anong mangyayari saatin. Bahala na si Lord.
Miss na kita Chuy. But you've hurt me. Ang sakit. Ang sakit sakit.
I know I've hurt you too. I'm sorry.
I have to write this all here kasi kanina pa masakit yung dibdib ko. Feeling ko maatake na ko sa puso.
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Manifestations
Okay manifestation time na naman tayo accla dahil eto lang laman ng utak ko (and ayaw ko mag work right now... zero will to live na naman po tayo, opo)
nakakaaliw yung manifestations ko last year, yung iba dun nagkatotoo!!!
ETO LANG NAMAN LAGI KO NAIISIP...
If... IF I HAVE ALL THE MEANS IN THE WORLD, IN WHATEVER ASPECT, THIS IS MY DEFINITION OF A PERFECT LIFE:
Houses - Just came back from the PH and I realized na nakakapagod pala talaga na palipat lipat ng place. May bahay kami sa Sta Lucia pero dahil nga sa sakit ni Tita Adelaine, di well-maintained ang place. Di rin ako makapag invite ng friends ko for a sleepover kasi isa lang kwarto. Pero Thank you pa rin and naafford namin mabili yun. At least may nauuwian kami. Anyway, mabalik tayo... GUSTO KO NG BAHAY SA PAMPANGA. Bahay ha. Yung di sobrang laki. PWD friendly para kay Tita Adelaine. May garahe tapos terrace para makapagsugal dun sila Mommy hahaha. May court din sa may likod para makapaglaro mga pinsan / pamangkin kong boys. Optional na yung pool. May dining area na medyo spacious para makapag sabay sabay kami kumain. Sala. Mga 3-4 na kwarto para pwede sila makitulog. Di ko alam sino makakapagmaintain but let's cross the bridge when we get there. GUSTO KO RIN NG CONDO SA MANILA. Condo lang kasi tulugan ko lang naman yun pag uuwi ako. 2 rooms siguro para if ever mag sleepover friends ko. Pwede rin na dun ko sila papuntahin pag susunduin nila ko. Siguro sa may BGC? Or kahit anong convenient and secured na place. Tapos papa BNB ko pag di ako nagsstay dun. GUSTO KO RIN SYEMPRE NG SARILI KONG BAHAY SA CANADA. Iniisip ko na sa Vancouver titira para pinakamalapit sa Asia tapos di masyado severe yung snow. Ililipat ko sila Mommy and Daddy nearby if gusto nila. TAPOS VACATION HOUSE SA COLORADO. Para pwede akong maging snow bird sa Winter and dun magbakasyon.
Tapos magbibusiness ako para sa steady and passive income. Tapos makakapag aral ako magdrawing, magsulat, at magluto. Makakakuha na rin ako ng bachelor's degree sa wakas!
Tapos di na kailangan ni Daddy magtrabaho araw at gabi para magbayad sa bahay and iba pang gastos.
Tapos makakabili na rin ako ng Business Class na plane tickets. Nakakatawa sigurado kami maging iskwater sa plane. HAHAHA
Tapos my parents can live a slow life. Na walang inaalala financially. Mag aalaga lang ng mga pananim saka ng mga aso at apo.
O diba. Di ko kailangan ng $125M. Tho okay naman kung ibibigay din sakin yun HAHAHAHA
CLAIMING THIS!!!!!!!
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ok ready na talaga ako... mga 75% na
nakakatawa na 'pag binabasa ko yung mga posts or notes ko dati even sa facebook ganyan, i know that i'm lying to myself. na puro reasons lang 'yon. saying na "di pa ko ready" or "ready na ko"... they're all lies. kasi sa totoo lang. HINDI KO TALAGA ALAM.
i can be ready one day then chicken out again. i can crave for romance one day tapos matatakot na naman ako na baka hindi mag work. na baka sa una lang masaya.
my feelings are neither black nor white. hindi madaling sagutin ng yes or no.
pero if hindi ako susubok ulit, if magpapakain nalang ako sa mga "what if masaktan ka na naman?!" ano ng mangyayari sakin?
masaya naman ako kahit single ako. pero minsan hindi. whenever i take yoonhee for walks, i always imagine someone holding my hand and walking with me. pag may sakit ako, i want someone taking care of me and making sure i drink my meds and check on me from time to time kung kamusta pakiramdam ko.
gusto ko rin ilagay sa bio ko sa facebook yung "in a relationship with..."
i want to take cheesy videos. i always think of cheesy captions sa mga posts ko.
tagal ko na rin pinaplano pano sya i soft launch.
i have all these ideas in my head. i have all these plans in place.
sya nalang ang kulang.
nakausap ko si rain nung birthday ko and he told me about his Bumble date. May kirot, not gonna lie, maybe the 18-year old Ayra yun. Ako parin naman sya so syempre naramdamn ko yung kirot diba? Sya yung Ayra who was terrified of Rain finding someone else. I've always felt so bad sa Ayra na yun. She really did love him.
Anyway, days or hours i dont know... basta after nya magkwento i just realized na HE IS STILL THE SAME. Na hindi pa rin sya magaling sa communication. Na he can't really break up with a person face to face, so sa messages ka nya sasaktan. Na passive aggressive pa rin sya. Na he's still got all of these issues.
I still like talking to him. It's fun to talk to him.
Pero... i can finally say, 100000% not lying, na Ayra RIGHT NOW is not in love with him anymore.
It took me nearly a decade to get over him and the pain that our situationship has caused.
I am not ready yet. I will never be ready. There will always be a risk na mag fail ulit yung susunod na darating sa buhay ko, pero right now I'm willing to take my chances.
'cause if may possibility na magbreak kami, may possibility din na hindi diba?
May possibility rin na he's Maya, Shoto, Kageyama, Hirotaka all in one?
I have all this love to give.
Sya nalang talaga ang kulang.
Damn. It feels so good to say everything on my mind without having to bullshit it.
No more lying. No more pretending.
Ready or not, sana magkita na tayo.
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MANIFESTATION
Okay yaman din lamang na wala namang mawawala, patusin na natin yung sinasabi sa tiktok na manifestation chuchu ever in the form of open letter sa universe okay let's go let's go
DEAR UNIVERSE,
Thank you for keeping me and my family healthy. Thank you that my mom and aunt's illness are maintained and they are healthier than ever.
Thank you for giving me opportunities to grow as an individual. Thank you for giving me courage to face my driver's test and for guiding me to succeed the examination. YAY! I am a licensed driver now!
Thank you for helping me to let go of all my grudge and disappointments. Thank you for teaching me how to accept things that I cannot control and to adjust to changes.
Thank you for providing me with wealth that's more than I need, so that I can share it with others. I will use this to help others in need and to reach for my dreams without the fear of failure.
Thank you for letting Leni and Kiko win the elections. The Philippines really need leaders like them. The Filipinos need them.
Finally, thank you for letting me meet the man of my prayers. I have been waiting for him ever since I knew what love is. Thank you for helping me grow into someone that is worthy of him and vice versa. We really are made of each other. I couldn't be happier.
Also, thank you that finally... COVID has been contained. The war between Russia and Ukraine has ended, and the evil behind this were all punished. We hope that the world would be safe and at peace, not just for us but for our children and grandchildren.
I am claiming all this positive energy, Universe. Please show me how it gets better.
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Sana Matapos Na Lahat
Okay, this post is like a continuation / repeat rant of my January 3 blog post. TANGINA TALAGA DI NA TALAGA MATATAPOS TO.
Di ko binasa yun at wala namang mangpupulis sakin kung ulit lang sya dahil wala namang makakabasa nito. I'm basically talking to myself so... HAHAHASkfhnalskdfhnls
Anyway, parang gets ko na nga san galing yung galit ko.
Galit ako kasi Ging is living my dream.
She's out there with the love of her life. Spending time every day. I can totally see James loves her. Kaya nga ko galit e.
Naiinggit ako kasi kaya nya. Hindi sya takot. Hindi sya nagwoworry kina mommy and daddy. Wala syang responsibility sa house e.
Iniisip ko kanina habang naglalakad ako, am I just making excuses? I don't know.
All I know is THIS is what I feel and I cannot, for the love of God, control it. It consumes me. It eats me alive. It turns me into this killjoy kontrabida ate
When she graduated, I thought I could give some of the bills to her. I thought I could rely on her. I thought I could go to university kasi may kasama na ko mag support kina Mommy. Na yes, omg she can help pay Mommy's LOC! Ganun diba?
But then she has a loan of her own, and she can't seem to find a job that she loves.
She's my sister. Ayoko sya sisihin. Ayoko talaga. I'm trying. Ang hirap. Ang sakit sakit.
Ayoko manumbat pero yun talaga yung nararamdaman ko e. I tried repressing these stupid feelings pero that didn't work out.
Kasalanan ko ba? Kasalanan ko ba to lahat?
Mali ba to? Mali ba tong feelings ko?
Anong gagawin ko, kung kahit mali ganito nararamdaman ko?
Anong gagawin ko?
Sana there comes a time na pumunta ako dito sa Tumblr kasi sobrang saya ko.
Na sa sobrang saya ko kailangan kong isulat.
Hindi yung ganito na pumupuntalang ako dito kasi I can't be alone with my thought anymore.
Na sa sobrang sakit at hirap kailangan ko isulat.
Sana matapos na.
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January 3
Here is my sporadic emotion-anger-frustration-confusion dump entry number... i don’t even know
Anyway. Galit ako. Di ko alam kung kanino. Siguro sa maraming bagay tapos nagkakahalo halo nalang pero galit ako.
Galit ako kay Ging kasi nagtatampo, naiinggit at nagseselos ako. Same old same old. Lagi na naman nyang kasama si James. Naiinggit ako kasi wala akong ganun. Nagtatampo ako kasi she can make time for her boyfriend pero ni magising nang maaga to have breakfast with us e hindi nya magawa. Naiinggit din ako kasi buti pa sya wala syang responsibilidad dito sa bahay. Ano bang binabayaran nya? Kotse at loan nya. Free board and lodging sya dito. NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS ko tong sasabihin kahit kanino kasi I sould like an evil ate. or conceited. Maybe I am. Maybe I am so consumed by my own self na ganito na ko mag isip. What should I do? Ganito naiisip ko e. Na buti pa sya she can put herself out there. I can’t. I am still scared. I got so damaged by what happened to Rain and I na ayoko na mag risk. Hindi ko na alam gagawin ko.
2021 na but I’m still stuck, and maybe it’s my fault. Maybe it is. I don’t know, really.
I feel much better na nailabas ko na to. I was drowning with these thoughts and I don’t know where to express it kaya helloooooo tumblr ulit.
Thank you Tumblr.
I’ll try, baby steps. Sana 2021 I’ll finally find the courage to try again. To get out of my comfort zone and be more. Cause I owe it to myself. I deserve more. I need to be more.
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I’M SORRY
Umiiyak na naman ako ngayon and I can’t help but wonder about you. Every time I break down like this, I can’t help but think “what if I break down and kasama kita?” how would you handle me? How would you handle my mood swings? How would you handle my fragility? Will you be patient? Will you work it out with me? Or magsasawa ka rin?
I’m scared na baka yung last yung mangyari. Though I wouldn’t be surprised if it does. Yun naman na ang ineexpect ko. HAHAHA #trustissuespamore
So ayun, in a way of this post I want to say I’m sorry.
I’m sorry na makukuha mo ko nang ganito -- broken. I’m sorry that I can’t find a way to fix myself. Sana pag nagkita tayo medyo mas okay na ko. Sana pag nagkita tayo di na ko ganito.
Pero kung hindi man yun mangyari, sana di ka mapagod sakin. Sana di mo ko sukuan. Sana mahalin mo pa rin ako. Sana MAS mahalin mo pa ko.
Sana wag mong gamitin yung mga pagkukulang ko para iwan mo ko.
Putangina wala ka pa natatakot na ko.
Pano na to?
Baka sa sobrang takot ko di nalang ako susugal.
Putangina talaga kailan ba to matatapos
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It Has Been A Very Long Tunnel
For the past 2 weeks, wala na kong ginawa kundi umiyak at magalit. Pagod na ko pero di ko macontrol.
Usually isang iyak lang ako e. Isang breakdown kada taon. Pero 2020, iba ka bhie. Iba ka.
Nasstress ako sa work at sa pamilya ko.
Wala akong kaibigan dito na pwede kong puntahan.
BTS can only do so much for me.
Pagod na pagod na ko.
Kailan ba ‘to matatapos?
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May 29
I really should be working right now, but I can’t stop bawling. I figured writing might help.
I have been vulnerable for years. I feel like I’m this slightly damaged glass with a small crack on it. You can still use it; it fell once but it’s still technically whole, but a little bit of trauma or force upon it and it’ll break.
That’s me. I spend my day-to-day thinking that I’m fine. That I’m strong. That I’m still surviving and I should be thankful that I’m surviving and I’m breathing and I can pay for our bills and our credit card. That I have a stable job even though I hate it. That I have friends even though I don’t see them in person.
Tapos eto. Ayun. Konting inis ko lang, naiiyak na ko. Tapos di ako mahinto sa pag iyak.
Kung di pa ko magtatumblr di ako tatahanan.
Syempre segue na naman sa hopeless romanticism.
Wala, naiisip ko lang siguro mapagpasensya sya. Kailangan nya maging patient at tolerant with me kasi I’m like this
Sana di sya magsawa
Sana pag nagkita kami di sya magsawa sakin.
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I think too deeply about everything. I still don't know if that allows me to see more of the world, or less of it.
— Mobeen Hakeem
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“Finding” Mr. Right
I was ticked off by my best friend kanina, hence this post. I posted sa story ko about paying a fortune to see clearly but then she replied with something like, “nagbabayad ka nang ganyan pero di mo parin makita si Mr. Right?”
And that didn’t sit with me right.
FIRST OF ALL: I am not LOOKING FOR HIM. No, I am not. My preteen, teen and even, maybe, a year ago, self WAS looking for him BUT the me right now is not.
Hindi naman ako magiging hypocrite to say na I’m not wondering. I am wondering. 24 na ko. At this age, si mommy ko may anak na (me), kasal na. Ako sobrang layo pa dun. I get lonely too. I want someone na katabi matulog, kasama i-date after a long day at work, kakwentuhan, alam mo yun?
I am wondering about him, but I am NOT, in any way, DESPERATELY looking for him.
Gone are those days. Hindi lang sa love and lust umiikot ang mundo ko. There’s more to life than being in a relationship. I don’t want to force myself into one para lang maging “in”. Para lang sumunod sa trend. Kasi “pwede na kong mag asawa”. Kasi “24 na ko”.
I have done so much for myself and for my family. I’ve gone to places, bought pretty things for myself, spoiled myself, and I am still learning myself.
Nairita lang ako sa message nya na para bang ang dating e dahil may jowa sya and ako wala, e dapat mainggit ako??! She was mocking me about being single. She said it was a joke but I know damn well na deep inside, it’s not.
I DONT FUCKING CARE.
I love her, she’s my best friend, pero I don’t agree with how she lives her life. Hindi ko na sya pinapakielaman. Malaki na sya.
And yes, naiinggit ako kay Mikee na lagi kasama si Vin sa kahit saan araw araw but at the same time naiisip ko na “bro, magtira ka naman for you? Do things for yourself?! Space naman?”
These years alone have taught me so much about myself. About loving myself. About the importance of valuing myself, of growing and improving yourself OUTSIDE the context of being in a relationship.
Dati, AS IN, sobrang gustong gusto ko ng jowa. That’s all I could think about. Looking back, sobrang nakakacringey.
Kaya rin siguro sobra yung heartbreak ko kay Rain nun. I was in love with the idea of him, not him.
Anyway, naisip ko nalang, wag naman, na sana wag magbackfire sa kanya yung sinabi nya. Karma has its ways???
And kung magswitch places man kami, which malay mo mangyari lol, life can surprise you like that, I’ll never say those things to her.
I’ll never turn every fucking conversation about my relationship.
I just realized na LOVE comes easy. It’s about how you are, as a person, when it comes. Na dapat buo ka, na dapat you care about yourself so much, na gugustuhin din nung tao na pahalagahan ka rin nang ganun. Na para kahit iwan ka nya, may natira pa rin sayo.
Pero pag dumating na yung Mr. Right ko, proud akong sabihin na di ko sya hinanap.
Kasi kung Mr. Right talaga sya, hindi sya kailangang hanapin. Magkikita at magkikita kami kahit anong mangyari.
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180611
I was fine this morning. Heck, I was fine 30 minutes ago, when I was on the bus listening to Tear with my headphones on, minding my own world.
It’s Monday, and of course on Mondays the phones were busy, there were lots of patients, we had our usual weekend documents that we have to sort through, we have tasks that we need to get done, whatever.
I was fine. Until I was not.
I think I have been telling myself that I am fine, even though I’m really not. It’s like I’m this nearly broken glass -- when you look at it, it’s fine. It’s not really broken. It has cracks here and there, but it’s still complete. HOWEVER, one small force on it and it’ll break.
I had texted my sister before I get off from work if she could pick me up. Usually she texts back and she does, but this time she didn’t reply. I’m used to it. I called my brother 2 minutes before I get off to ask where she is, and he said she’s out with Mommy at Market Mall. It’s okay.
THEN IT FUCKING RAINED. HARD.
Good thing I was wearing a jacket, but then when raindrops kept on pouring on my face, and I was there, walking, like an idiot, out in the rain, alone, I felt bad for myself.
And of course, like a nearly broken glass that I am, that small detail did break me.
I was upset because it’s never gonna be a big deal for my sister, or honestly, anyone that I’m out there walking in the rain. So what right? So fucking what if I’m wet.
Then when I got home and I checked my SNS, I see relationship posts and I can help but think that these people have someone. They have someone who’ll get worried if they get wet. Or where they are. Or if they need something.
I am a fucking independent woman. I have provided so many things for myself. I am proud to say that at this point, I can fucking move out and live alone. I can support myself.
But I don’t want to. I don’t want to be alone. I want someone to be worried for me. I want someone to pick me up when it’s raining. I want someone to pick me up, even when I don’t ask.
But I don’t have someone.
Ayoko kausapin si Ate Shai or si Lady or kahit sino ngayon. Ayoko sila kausapin kasi pag kinakausap ko sila, napapamukha lang sakin kung anong di ko ginagawa. Kung ano yung lagi kong ginagawa -- magtrabaho.
Pagod na ko. Pagod na pagod na ko. Hindi ko naman��‘to ginusto. Hindi ito yung pinagdasal ko sa Dyos at alam Nya yun. PUTANGINA ALAM NYA KUNG ANO YUNG LAGI KONG PINAGDADASAL GABI GABI PERO DI PA RIN NYA MAIBIGAY.
Baka tawanan ko nalang to pag nabasa ko to ulit. Whatever.
Magiging okay rin ako bukas. Ganun naman lagi.
Malakas ako diba?
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Okay Pa Ko
Okay pa ko.
Naiinip lang siguro ako. March na kasi wala pa rin sya. Ewan ko ba. May mga nagpaparamdam naman pero alam ko naman na hindi sila yung gusto ko. Ayoko na ring magsettle sa hindi ko naman gusto. Ayoko rin naman lalong maghanap or magseek for him kasi I’m done. Hindi ko alam. Hindi ko na alam.
Okay pa ko.
Pagod lang siguro ako. Sa work. Sa routine kong buhay. Meant akong magtravel pero for now, I need to focus on work and save up. Sana mabigyan pa kami ng blessing na sumobra para makapagtravel ako ulit this year.
Okay pa ko.
Baka PMS lang to. Baka sumpong na naman. Self-diagnosed bipolar disorder yung meron ako. Kasi pag masaya ako, masaya ako. Pag malungkot ako, extra din. Pero hindi pa naman sya nakakadisrupt sa daily function ko so I’m still good ehe
Okay pa ko.
Pero sana hindi naman dumating sa point na hindi na.
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Post-Valentine Rant??
Okay, I don’t even know if you call this a rant or what. I don’t know. These are just the thoughts that were trapped in my head days before and on Valentine’s Day.
This year, I was indifferent because of this, do you even call it celebration? Yeah. Whatever. Occasion. A reason to buy overly expensive flowers and chocolates. I don’t know dude.
Anyway.
I had work, of course, that day. It was a Wednesday, and crappy phone calls and boring medical work didn’t just magically vanish just because it’s a day to “celebrate love”.
When I got home, my brother and I went to church for Ash Wednesday. I got flowers from my parents -- mixture of carnations and roses, my favorite -- then I went to bed.
I’m 22 and I’m still waiting for that day that I can celebrate this single awareness day with someone. Of course, social media has its way of reminding you of what you don’t have and so I was bombarded with tons and tons of pictures of my former classmates and acquaintances with flowers on their arm, holding whoever gave those flowers on their other arm.
I am all for love. I breathe love. I speak love. I inhale and exhale love. My parents are my constant reminder that there is true love in this shitty world; I just need to wait for him.
Maybe next year?
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Thoughts
So... medyo nababaliw ako kanina.
Alam ko naman na matagal na kong baliw, tanggap ko yun. Pero may mga episodes kasi ako na para akong may bipolar disorder.
I was kind of obsessing about Jungkook’s left wrist lately kasi napansin ko / namin na parang may mga cuts sya. Syempre triggered ako knowing what had happened with Jonghyun diba. So ayun...
That’s when I realized na, as absurd or petty or i don’t know, wrong?, as it seems, I care for Kookie.
He and the other BTS members are my source of happiness. They make me happy on a daily basis, and I don’t really know what have happened kung hindi ako umanib sa fandom nila. Seryoso. I know that only Yoongi and Hobi know that I exist dahil sa MAMA lol pero I care for them and their well-being.
Tas nafufrustrate pa ko kasi nga wala akong magawa. Nandito ako. Nasa Korea sya. Hindi sya nakakaintindi ng English, I don’t know Korean. Paano ko sya makakausap?
Baliw man ‘to pakinggan pero I want to be there for him???? EWAN KOOOOOO
Tas may one morning na sakto kagising ko, as in sakto talaga, sabi ko sa isip ko, “Kung hindi siguro ako nagising, okay lang no?”
LIKE PUTANG INA NORMAL BA ISIPIN YON?
Hindi ko alam kung nakikiuso lang ba ako o ano ba to kung one time lang ba tong mangyayari o mauulit ba o hormonal lang ako or what
So I prayed.
Medyo nahihiya na nga ako kay Lord kasi kung kailan stuck na ko at nagbbreakdown, dun ako bumabalik sa Kanya eh. Nagdadasal pa rin naman ako pero narealize ko na sobrang adik ko na sa Bangtan na kahit magdasal man lang o magpasalamat hindi ko na magawa. Ayun.
So far okay naman ako ngayon. Naifangirl ko naman yung sumpong ko. I’m still worried about my bias pero sana sa next few days mabigyang linaw na yung sa wrist nya.
POTA... AKO? OBSESSED SA WRIST NI JUNGKOOK???
Hayyyyyyyyyyyyyy
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Spinster
I just found out about this word yesterday, at work. Stacey called me this and of course I pretended that I know what it was. I kinda thought that it has something to do with being married and having kids, I have no idea.
When I came home, I searched for it. Turns out, it means an unmarried woman. Or a woman beyond the age of marrying.
I am freakin’ 22.
I am not really sure if it’s time to freak out, but I got scared a little bit, although honestly it doesn’t take much, and my best friend anxiety kicked in again.
When my cousin was 22, she got married AND was pregnant with her first child. When my mom was 22, she was getting married the next year.
I just...
Life moves so fast, and I’m scared that I’ll be stuck in a bubble while other people my age are out there falling in love, getting married, and having babies.
I don’t want to stress myself about this. I’ve come to terms with myself that I ain’t finding ways to meet him -- HE WILL FIND ME.
I just hope and pray to the heavens that he’s not taking his sweet time like me.
‘Cause I don’t want to be a spinster for the rest of my life.
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