averyavary - Tumblr blog

averyavary · 8 months

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Old interests spark new ideas

I might return to Geometry Dash to make a level if 2.2 drops in October. I won't promise anything, but the least I can do is have some fun with a game that sparked my creative edge, at least. Edit: before anyone from GD loses their minds, I would just make a level, and move on; not interact with the community at large.

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averyavary · 8 months

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Consider the following.

Heavy Trigger Warning: Sexual Abuse, Rape. You have been warned.

I'm going to keep things here rather short, and simple as I've gone to some drastic measures already to deal with this privately, but I might as well let others know what I've been dealing with, considering your eyes are still on me, I know it.

I've been having to deal with a... specific person in my life as of the past near decade or so. I did not really want to resort to the final actions I've had gone about doing but; relentless people require extreme actions, huh?

Let me introduce you to "Jude" is who I'll call them, as they refer to themselves that way. I met Jude in my life when I was 13-14 through my sister as a family friend at the time. They were in their mid 20's or so, I can't fully recall. The there was a 10 or so year difference, just for reference.

During some time between the summer of 2014 or so, I was left alone with them at times for extended periods of time. I recall remember waking up at times hurting from by back, and near my legs and such. I accordingly told my sister and aunt about these things (I was living with them at the time) and I was pulled out of my classes one day to sit down and discuss what might've happened between Jude and I. I was rightfully confused as I didn't know what or why was happening. I remember I broke down into tears about them asking me if I "Liked" Jude in the manner of a relationship, which I promptly denied. I only saw Jude like an older brother I never had at the time.

Come to find out, Jude was something akin to liking me relationship wise, which if you cant put 2 and 2 together, kind of royally fucked up! I now know looking back, I was molested and was likely drugged to be used for sex most likely. I obviously can't remember everything as its still hazy for that summer trying to block it out over the past few years, but with what happened to me back then, my family picked up on it quickly and shut Jude out of my life.

He however, hasn't let the thought of me go.

I think starting in about 2018 or so going forward, Jude would try to contact me by any means necessary. I remember him contacting my aunt trying to reach me, which I promptly denied as I found that to be a bit more than creepy. I know I have long lost text messages of them trying to reach out, to see "how" I'm doing, and just overall try to find out what I'm up to.

What finally made me crack was a lengthy email that I received from Jude back in May, mere days before what would inevitably tank my career. I got one of the most disturbing emails from them, them basically wanting to start over, and try to be friends/and a possible relationship.

I promptly denied anything regarding the email, told Jude to leave me alone, and told them good-bye.

Their response? Calling me a rapist, and a "great" role model.

I cannot describe to you how much this infuriated me, to be called something that the said abuser did to ME of all things. I've done all that I could at that point to get away from him and him trying to crawl back into my life as if I would be open and accepting? No sir, not one bit.

I think the most fucked up thing he did was try to tell my dad of all people that I raped him, and my dad called me up confused to high hell on what he meant. I explained everything to my dad, shown him the emails, and he saw the issues at hand with what Jude was doing.

I've already filed some things with local police in my area, and as such I've talked to my therapist long term about these things. I'm writing this also as a way to get this off my chest, amongst a personal message to Jude.

Leave me, and my family alone Jude. I don't appreciate you trying to be buddy buddy with me and as such try to slander me into something when you're the insanely fucked individual I've dealt with for nearly a decade. Let me go and you can go about on your own merry way.

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averyavary · 9 months

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Open thinking.

A content warning: some talk about suicidal thoughts, amongst some other things.

Have you ever had that unrelenting urge to just... remove yourself off the face of the earth? I've been feeling this way for a bit recently.

A lot of these thoughts have been in the form of nightmares I keep having. I had one recently that woke me up in a cold sweat with my dog worried about me.

The main things I remember from that dream are being suffocated by dirty, grime-y hands much with much more age than myself. A collective of fingers poking at me and it felt like I was being ripped apart from the force of many people trying to amputate/disembowel me.

I think it has to do with a lot of the stress I've come across with trying to manage myself outside of other things. I know one source of it comes from a very deep and dark part of my childhood that I won't elaborate on here, but I know that they're watching me. Very much so.

I've been working to help ease my mind off these types of thoughts, and as well trying to balance my life with more open ended positive thinking. It does still beg the question for myself really though: What would happen if I were gone? Do people really even care that I'm around considering that a lot for me is chocked up to just being a name to be thrown around?

I've been thinking that awhile, I don't know how to feel really.

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averyavary · 9 months

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Something of note.

Been getting some word about a supposed "Illegal Instruction Revival" that apparently I'm trying to start. (I'm looking at you, Pepsicat. Keep my name out of your mouth would you?)

If it wasn't obvious, I'm not doing that at all. I don't have any plans for reviving a mod that I don't even have ownership of characters I originally had in. Not to mention that the team is basically disbanded after May. I'm not even in the original dev server, as my current discord account is a fresh account.

If you really need me to as well say, nobody definitely owns the mod at this point. I don't consider the project now something stable so it has no owner now.

II was a passion project for myself personally, too bad it'll never see much light of day outside of drama and a level of disgust. Sucks but, what can you really do?

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averyavary · 9 months

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I NEED MONEY AWAWAAWWAWAA

luckily I get paid tomorrow and get a good bit due to my hours being better this time around (⁠*⁠´⁠ω⁠｀⁠*⁠)

Hopefully Instacart is better as well (⁠人⁠*⁠´⁠∀⁠｀⁠)⁠｡⁠*ﾟ⁠+

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averyavary · 9 months

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Thought #2

Airing out dirty laundry is something I'll never understand as it only complicates issues and further tears people apart.

Makes no sense to make it everyone elses issue unless the person themselves is a legitimate threat. Makes it seem like you're fighting for something nobody is gonna understand in the long run.

Just a me thing, but to each their own on that.

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averyavary · 9 months

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whats good rightburners inc.

hey next time maybe like, get your information right?

GC they mention was one I was invited to by Cancer Lord to play MC, wasn't some 'mastermind planned execution' type of shit. RB got added later on and I added him/talked to him from there. (thanks to cancer lord for letting me show these dms we have here, just so you all know.)

Oh yeah, another thing, to whomever decided to write this doc and add me in, then to proceed to write this out, keep my name out of your mouth. Please and thank you. You don't know me, or what I have been doing over the past few months, stop assuming I haven't been trying to fix my own life here. I sure as hell have been spending my own time doing my own thing for personal matters, and I don't need a bunch of self righteous people dragging me into things when all I am doing now is sitting in my own corner. Leave me to my own devices, and you do the same.

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averyavary · 9 months

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Here are a few of my works!

if you wanna see more then you can shoot me a message anytime and I'll try to get back to you as soon as possible. I currently work a part time job and do Instacart on the side to earn as much money as possible lol.

Apologies if I'm off balance with some of this stuff tbh. I have experience with commissions and doing works for some people. I have worked on a mod or two for FNF and have done some work in the EXE community but preferably I'd like to keep that work to a minimum. I'm open to all kinds of art. Ranging from cutesy chibi like stuff to NSFW depending on your age (must show proof of age).

currently comms are closed due to already needing to finish a commission for a friend of mine. I apologize but as a future heads up, if you want to be on a sort of "waiting list" just hit me up and I'll let you know when I can get to it!

Thanks for taking your time to read this book of a post lol. Love y'all!

PS: I know Sans doesn't doesn't have a shnozz, it was a cursed moment of mine lol

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averyavary · 9 months

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Defs check out Artie, her work is pretty damn good. I would love to see her get commissioned more as well.

Hi!!

I'm new to Tumblr so apologies if I'm janky wit it lol.

Please be patient w me as I get overwhelmed easy.

I'm a 21 y/o artist from NC and currently trying to move to Australia bc America is a shit hole that's currently on fire. :D

I'm a Mex/American lady thing. I go by She/They pronounzz so pls respect that <33.

I can take comms for art lol.

enjoy my pea brain shenanigans lol.

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averyavary · 9 months

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Point Proven.

I find it absolutely funny people proceed to lose their collective shit over me posting a video, and minding my own business.

Kinda goes to show how people haven't learnt from previous events. Regardless, I'll probably post on and off there for my own sake. I defs won't be checking any comments or such on the videos I post.

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averyavary · 9 months

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My own personal thoughts with how the Rightburst situation was presented, and handled.

I heard, and looked over the issues regarding RightburstUltra, and to be honest, I feel a good chunk of that is within a spiteful context. Some things I will say I wish he didn't do (Say the N-Word, lie about getting sympathy, etc.), However, I do not think making these things public should be the end all be all for getting someone the help they need. Not everything is something akin to receiving help or direct advice from. You shoot people in the foot and isolate them that way, that is what you do. Clearly seeing that people wanted to isolate a kid that knows no better just upsets me. Shameful, if you ask me personally. If you want to get someone help, talk to them directly, like a human being.

He might only be 17, but that doesn't mean he is gonna know what to do, I won't defend his previous actions or statements made, that's not something i'm inclined to do, rather; take it as you will that most if not all of us have not lived long enough to go across casting judgement at a feeble notice. I'm included in this, I have a long way to go myself mentally, but I am getting there. Just my thoughts, take it as you will.

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averyavary · 9 months

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If I had a wish to be granted, I think my only wish would probably be to see something that is a project of mine at least go up without smoke and blazing guns to a degree.

Is that a lot to ask? Probably. Honestly I don't really give a shit about whatever comes for when it comes notoriety or whatever people think I look for, I just look for a pretty positive experience from working on projects with people willing to work with me.

Maybe one day it'll happen, won't be anytime soon but maybe it'll happen.

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averyavary · 9 months

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Food for Thought, again

I wonder how many people will realize telling me to fuck off when I have already is about as useful as pissing on a electric railway. What's the use? Why waste your breath on me if you have no other reason to? Think for a moment on that there. Allow me to be in my own corner, and you stay in your corner. Block me if needed on platforms, I don't particularly care either way. Doing things as to ratio me or just come off as a better person is kinda useless when I am not effecting you in any way at all honestly. I'm existing to become better, not allow others to tear me down because of my own imprudent mistakes. Maybe waste your time elsewhere on other people. Find something new to do, obviously with that in mind, you probably wouldn't either way and just want to continue; Doesn't matter to me regardless, just proves my point further.

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averyavary · 9 months

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Food for thought.

Been thinking a bit about a lot of things as of recent, mainly what I want to do now. I mostly been trying to continue working on some smaller things, and doing a lot of writing about previous trauma related things. I've had a lot to unpack over the last year or so, hopefully with that, I can live a bit more with ease of mind and then some. I've been debating with showing off a character I made recently, but I decided to hold off until I can get him fully flushed out. I don't expect people to be all "happy-go-lucky" but whatever, I am just trying to have some fun in my little corner of the net. I want to also use some of my older OCs I have for some written stories/possible ways of creating a game for them (Passé, Décès). I might outsource some work for that possibly if I so decide to go that route.

I'll probably keep some form of update on these things, and accordingly post here. Thanks for reading (if you even decided to, that is.)

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averyavary · 9 months

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been awhile, hasn't it?

hey. Been a few months since anybody has heard from me, alternatively figured since I know I only recently decided to come back a bit under some very limited pretenses, I decided why not drop a little update on where I've been since May. To those who need a TL;DR: I'm okay, mentally stable now, and as well still getting things for myself squared away with life, just been more lonely doing it, but I'll manage. To those who also only care about FNF/EXE stuff: I don't plan on engaging with any of the communities for the foreseeable future. Even if I decide to do my own projects, I would only do them on my own terms, alongside with my friends. I might release some of my works I have now that went unreleased, but don't count on it. If you're wanting to contact me about these things solely and not to actually talk as a person/reconnect then do not bother trying to contact me. Sidenote: I don't plan on using Twitter, so don't bother trying to contact me there. I only will likely use this, Youtube, and Discord.

To keep things very short and to the point, I've been busy with my life overall. I've been doing mainly just, work to save up for a new car. My old car had broken down with its transmission in early/mid-June, and as such I had to deal without proper transportation for a bit. I have a car to use for now, but I am focused now on getting something for myself, as I'm using a family members car now.

I've still been attending therapy as per usual. Obviously I've had some road bumps (May, not having reliable transportation for a bit, other things I might go into another day) but I can say with my progress, I am keeping myself rather in check with my mental health, and since then I've felt a lot more confident in myself, alongside more confidence with my overall general sanity trying to keep myself together. My therapist overall has given me a lot more hope for myself as a person, and that's something I hold dearly as a person.

I've had a few people that stuck around with me to talk to since May as well. I appreciate the few wanting to speak to me still and give me some semblance of a chance to continue showing my growth as a person since even before then (i.e. September 2022, etc.) I am forever grateful for those who have seen my progress, and I will continue forward still trying to improve as a person. I am still sorry from before, I'm obviously not the same person I was a long ass time ago, but only time will tell if people will realize that. Either way, if you read through all of this, thanks; it means a lot honestly.

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