Sungil's bday is happening (August 29th). He's unlikely to say or do anything about it, but your muse may know and remember it 🌱

@littlebutternattie !

Having Natsuki sit behind him on the couch massaging his shoulders while he sits on the floor and contemplates life choices wasn't planned, but that is where he finds himself. Tea waiting on the table, comfortable chatter filling the space around them. It's only then when he realises her fingers have moved, doing something almost equally relaxing around the painful areas of his head.

"Hold on, are you braiding my hair right now?"

He stands in front of her and calmly studies the face that remained buried against his shirt for a good moment. It's the face of someone whose pain changes the hue of her laughter, the face of someone whose tears tells more than words could reach.

Sungil lifts his hand in silence, wiping the corners of her eyes, fingers brushing her hair behind the ear.

"Was he jealous, too?"

The picture she paints for him has detail beyond what most would ever hear and witness. Raw and bare, fully exposed to the judgement of another; but his remains gentle, accepting of what comes next and what is left behind.

"Whatever happened between you two needs two open minds," he says in a voice from deep within his chest. "No matter what went down, you're not a bad person. Overwhelmed, perhaps a bit spooked by yourself. That won't be enough to scare away someone who cares for you. He may have troubles of his own, but someone like that will do everything in their power to make things work again."

Regardless whether she remembers anything he's saying now later on, he talks to ground her again, to bring her back to the moment they live in. What happened, happened. He could only guide her forward, one step at a time.

In fact, they don't have to move just yet. It's alright to stop now, to pause. There's no rush.

"I know everything feels like a big mess and nothing makes sense. Feel it, but don't hold onto it. Let it all out. You're going to be alright. You, as yourself. And you, as you two."

natsuki takes another moment to breathe, testing the presence of the thorns that earlier squeezed her chest so hard she began to bleed profusely. they are still there, of course, the edges pricking at certain areas as if one wrong move will eventually lead to her eternal demise. surprisingly, they are not as horrendously suffocating as they were earlier.

sungil has done it again, his familiar presence enclosing her fragility with a shield to protect her from shattering further. sometimes she wonders whether she deserves his kindness, whether she deserves to have someone like him who cares and loves unconditionally; absorbing every pain she encounters without being asked to and without asking for anything in return.

despite that, she always finds herself seeking him out.

what a greedy and pathetic woman she is.

guilt cripples in like a wake-up call and a sob threatens to come out but she swallows it down.

sungil is here to help her face this battle. he is with her to fight not for her to use him to fight. he believes in her and he wants her to believe in herself, too – the least thing she could do for him is to try.

“he was surprised. he did not expect me to react that way … ” she responds, and with the courage he has transmitted to her, natsuki slowly pulls away from his gentle embrace.

“i was quick to apologize since it scared him. i scared him. he said it was okay, that he understands and we’re … okay. but it was obviously a lie.” from an outsider’s point of view, one would think she has finally lost it when, regardless of her tear-stricken face, she manages to chuckle: hollow and bitter in its glory. “then he threw the card right back at me.”

Stressing about my writing flow being distracted, but I hope to get back to business for good.

send me   “eavesdrop”   and my muse will describe your muse like they’re talking to a third party. 

gasuuung: I don't know about you, but I see red. Do you stop? Are you intrigued? At the gates of Hell? A little bit of blue, and I see right through you Enough of that. Love ya

06:23 PM

“For someone who is so concerned about my marital status, you surely sabotage it well,” Sungil muses aloud as he watches the chaos Soyee left behind in his bathroom. It’s not messy, she has simply left her belongings all over the place. Shampoo and conditioner bottles, jasmine and coconut scented body wash, a pink sponge, loose hairs on the shower tiles.

The culprit, already dressed, dries off her hair and merely stares at her brother standing at the doorway. “Huh? What are you saying?” 

“You’re sabotaging my relationships,” he repeats nodding towards the shower and its questionable state, his tone indicating humour despite the gist of seriousness. “If I bring a girl here and she sees long hair on the wall and peachy raspberry shampoos, what do you think she’s gonna think? You think she’s gonna believe when I say ‘My sister acts like she lives here’? No, she’s gonna think ‘Oh, you goddamn cheater'. That's not my hair on the wall."

Soyee turns to look at the root cause of the accusations she has been presented and for a moment she can’t even argue back.

“Why wouldn’t she believe you? I can back you up,” she retorts as a desperate attempt to win. Her smile grows wider with laughter spilling through her lips despite her effort to remain true to her serious statement. 

Sungil keeps his composure and motions towards each source of complaint individually. “Instead of cleaning after yourself? No. This doesn’t make me look good. You, you’re the problem. You and your shampoos, and especially that hair you leave behind. A turn off, immediately."

“Yah! It’s the life with long hair. I can’t help it,” she says leaving her towel hanging on the door, strutting away with his disapproving gaze glued to her back. “Besides, I simply forget. Sorry.” 

The man scoffs upon yet again accepting the fact this is his life and he’s living it in a constant whirlwind of being the beloved brother of another charismatic soul. Something tells him he is about to clean off her hair from his bathroom wall a few more times.

“It’s hard to be related to you, Soyee.”

“Love you too, Sungie.” 

Finger hearts, from both of them.

gasuuung: Choose your fighter. Which one do you rely on during a tough side quest? I like whatever the first row has going on

loved, you are

@littlebutternattie; continued how naturally sungil could dive in and capture her deepest emotions and thoughts was something that she found to be a wonderful mystery; the way he breaks her shell open without any hesitation, freeing her from the shackles that weighed her down even at the cost of conjuring more pain to throb in her veins. he is the only confident and capable person to do such act; the only one natsuki trusts her whole life with knowing that after each surge of ache that dared to eat her alive, sungil always finds and gathers her broken pieces, restoring them back to how they – she used to be. the silence that was once thick and burdening feels less tense now that the cat is out of the bag. and as expected, sungil easily pinpoints her inner turmoil even with her simply uttering: 𝒋𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒐𝒖𝒔𝒚. the man astoundingly turns such despicable emotion into something that could possibly make a human beautiful in its own way. with her lungs not crushed into pulp anymore, the grip she has on his shirt loosens up at the same time yet she makes no move to pull back from his hold. she likes it here. she likes his warmth that made her feel safe and loved. “s-she did. she – i wanted 𝒔𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒐𝒏𝒆 and i thought he was 𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒆. i stupidly assumed that 𝒉𝒆 wanted me back, too.” she mumbles against the soft fabric of his shirt. “and it got the best of me, gil. i ... had this ugly urge to … to rip a 𝒔𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒓’s hands when they said they wanted to touch him.” a wince and a bite on her lower lip. “but believe me, i didn’t give in. i stopped myself from doing so. instead … i lashed out on him.”

Being so shaken up implies things didn’t quite go as planned and left her with no escape, no outlet for the jumbled mind to set free of its turmoil. He opens the gates with firm yet so gentle hands, steps into the maze and finds his way into where it hurts. His presence absorbs the overbearing weight off of her, he sees deep within, seemingly with such ease it’s startling to some. She finds comfort instead, the part that was missing before he stepped into the room. 

“You left that situation feeling like you and your emotions were too much. You’ve felt such a wide range of emotions in such a short amount of time, within that same moment."

Conflict rooted in jealousy. Strong emotion, harsh words, insecurity. She has been left within the whirlwind of feeling so much at once.

"How did he respond to you?"

He lets her simply be and connect back to the secure feeling of being understood and cared for. He wouldn’t let her leave his sight, not for the night ahead. She calms down, little by little, but the man keeps her in his embrace. Comfortable, important.

Sungil lifts his head a little, merely to glance down at her before his cheek rests against her hair again.

"Your emotions don't make you any less valuable, Natsu. Your reaction comes from deep inside you, from parts of you that may have been hurt before. Treat yourself gently. The ragged, torn you needs that. You'll have me, too."

gasuuung: A peek-a-boo moment. Careful, I may be ticklish

Ask my muse extremely personal questions!

If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be and why?

How do you take your anger out?

Have you ever been severely depressed? If so, why, and how did you handle it?

Who is someone you’ve cut out of your life, or wanted too, and why?

What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever worked for?

Have you ever faced discrimination? If so, what was it?

Has someone close to you ever said something that hurt your feelings? If so, what was it, and did they ever make up for it?

Have you ever been hit by someone close to you? If so, who hit you, and did they ever make up for it?

What’s some trauma you have, and how did you get it?

What was the scariest moment you’ve had in public?

What’s the relationship like between you and your parents?

Where do you go to be alone?

Have you ever put your hands on someone? If so, who, and did you ever make up for it?

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done with another person?

Who’s the first person you contact on a lonely night and why?

What’s your biggest regret and why?

If you could pick only one person in your life, who would it be and why?

What gives you nostalgia?

What’s something embarrassing that you enjoy doing, and why is it embarrassing?

How would you describe yourself?

January 29th, 2023

“Yah... Yah, Kurumi. Stop. Stop.”  

It’s that time of the day when he looks after Kurumi and Coco, the duo Natsuki felt comfortable enough to leave in his care. Sungil sits on the floor and Kurumi plays with the long sleeve of his shirt, both front paws asking him to play along. He’s calm, still, sitting among the two dogs all by himself. Coco lies down beside his leg without a care in the world while her rascal sister performs her best tricks to get his attention.

“You know, I used to be afraid of you.” His hands remain in light fists, hiding his fingers. “Kind of, at least. I still am. But you’re cool girls. I like you.” For a moment, it seems like Kurumi is listening before she skitters off to fetch one of her toys and shows it to him like she just found the answer to all of his problems. Maybe she’s right.  

“Just play? Aren’t you going to take responsibility for your behaviour?” Kurumi is the one with louder barks and eccentric antics he still can’t predict. She shakes her toy and brings it closer to his hand. “No? I see. What a little punk,” he mutters and reaches out, palm up and open. Maybe she drops the toy. Maybe he doesn’t need to take it from her. No, that’s where his hand stops.

“This is good, isn’t it? That I’m doing this and I’m here. You’d not hurt me.” It’s easier indoors. A familiar place, filled with memories of shared meals and conversations, makes it better. Sungil takes a deep breath.

“We’re going to take a little walk soon. Let’s call your mama first, let’s show her we’re alright, shall we?”

He told Natsuki he’d keep her updated. He’d tell her peace among them is undisturbed, show her proof of it and share some thoughts gathered along the day. Coco silently agrees and Kurumi now finds his phone more interesting than the toy she’s carrying around.  

“I know, I know. It’s exciting, but can you sit? Kurumi? Ruru, sit, please. It’s alright, I’ll show her to you. Just sit. Or stand, whatever, just don’t jump on me,” he tries to reason with the poodle, watching all of his words go in from one ear and out from the other. The two look at each other for a moment, and somehow telepathy gets his message through and Kurumi momentarily chooses peace.

Natsuki’s voice snaps him out of the staring competition. He locks eyes with her instead, a smile softening his features.

“Hey, Natsu. We’re here. All together, collectively missing you.”

Send ☝ and a topic for our muses to discuss it

“Please talk to me about it.”

RP starters: Concern. // @kimdelmarr

“It’s hard to express.” Words fail him. He can barely explain what’s going on and why the gloomy clouds are now hanging above his head. The pain he feels is physical. She can’t feel it. He can’t make her understand. He could talk, sure. She can hear, she could listen. “I guess... It’s harsh to have your life make a full stop, all of a sudden. It’s like taking steps into a void. A new adventure, aye?” 

The playground at midnight isn’t a place where his innermost thoughts would normally be set free. Sungil is way too tall for his chosen swing; his legs can’t dangle over the ground like they used to, so the man merely sways himself back and forth, back and forth. Christine, seated right beside him, has better chances to unveil her inner child. 

“I don’t mind not knowing exactly what life brings, but this kind of unpredictability paired with the fact I was left with nothing to hold onto... It’s something to get used to,” he muses aloud and glances at her, not quite searching for eye contact before he already stares somewhere into nothingness again. “It sucks. I’d ask for help, but what for?” 

littlebutternattie​:

despite his constant assurance, his words delivered with a confidence that matched his arm movements to further justify his point and ones which were laced with the hopes of calming her down, natsuki’s mother hen figure had already begun freaking out. it was a side of her that she could not easily suppress, not when someone she knows and cares about, when a friend so dear to her, or a loved one most especially, is going through pain in any human aspect. sungil obviously falls into the first two categories which made the worry grow a notch higher.

“a-are you sure?” then again he knew his physical state more than she could ever grasp and so with a heavy sigh, she nods solemnly in defeat and decidedly trusts the words he had just uttered. even so, there was still that worried crease on her forehead and she began nibbling on her lip but not enough to draw any crimson and metallic aftermath, remaining slightly hesitant about the whole ordeal, but somehow comforted one way or another. “okay, i believe you. BUT!! if you ever feel any pain, no matter how small it is, you better tell me! promise???”  before he could even say anything to that, she had already grabbed his arm to link their pinkies together, a childish pact but it still meant a lot. at least for her.

“oh, no. silly~ i don’t mind at all. but i am still keeping a close eye on you, sir. let’s get these boxes by the cabinet and you will be free from any strenuous activities for the time being.” she nods, letting a small wave of relief wash through her features for a moment and a smile wormed its way back. if the man would permit, she might even go the extra mile and make sure there were enough fluffed-up pillows to encase him in on the sofa. she could be overreacting at this point but there was only one thought nagging in her mind and that was to make sure he was comfortable and far from experiencing any relapse. one that she figured might be triggered the moment she opens the door. natsuki was highly aware of how rambunctious her dogs could be. they may be small but as the saying goes, ‘small but terrible’ especially when met with excitement.  kurumi and coco would either lose their minds with their incessant barking towards people they have not met before or go wild with their infamous zoomies, not even bothering to figure out which direction they were supposed to run to. on rare occasions, the two would be mysteriously behaved and set, just eavesdropping from their own beds. at this point, natsuki hoped it was the latter since they were acquainted with sungil from the past and had established a connection with the man already.

but maybe she had spoken too soon. a flurry of white and brown came rushing to the entrance when they heard the unlocking electronic beep – or maybe they had actually smelled them from across the hallway, dogs and their sensitive and alert senses – causing a chuckle to breeze through her lips when kurumi had already sought residency on his leg. “alright, i will do my best to be civil with that new guy just because you asked me to. he is lucky i have a soft spot for you so i would do as you please.” dramatically shrugging her shoulders, she squints playfully but her words held the promise to be nicer and understanding of the whole situation. seeing him smile and relaxed made her feel much better, worry steadily floating away. “make yourself at home while i prepare the snacks. maybe, explain to kurumi and coco in dog language why you have been away, too~” a giggle to fit the teasing. with his help, natsuki relocates the boxes by the shoe cabinet before the door closes behind them and she began padding her way into the kitchen.

Pinky promise. Caught off guard, Sungil can only accept the Terms and Conditions of Natsuki’s request. Deals sealed with linked fingers mean serious business. Being truthful about his condition is the sole requirement for this agreement to last and wouldn’t be hard to fulfil. He feels alright. Any change would be noticeable. He promised to tell her, after all.

Just keep in mind they’re small and can’t rip your arm off, he thinks to himself and braces himself for whatever the dogs have planned for his arrival. And there is Kurumi. The dog greets him like an old friend, excited and clearly glad to see him after what must feel like an eternity. Sungil instinctively presses his hands against his chest, eyes scanning Kurumi’s antics. “Hi, hi... It’s me,” he responds to her excited greetings and watches the wagging tail, the wagging dog, the entire happy dance she presents to him. Full of energy, merely enhanced by his presence. “It’s alright, it’s alright... I’ll come in, let me come in. Kurumi, please...” He leans down just enough to reach the small dog with his hand and softly pets her head. “Okay, okay... Listen, I need to help your momma a little. Let me go, okay?”

As if Kurumi would understand. He likes to think she does, while she chooses to ignore half of the things she’s being told. Sungil picks up the packages he held, carrying them inside with Natsuki. “Good. I don’t know for how long you’ll have to deal with the new guy but I’m hoping he isn’t too bad. Not as good as me, obviously, but... You know, good enough,” he muses aloud while moving indoors, watching his feet to avoid stepping on any excited dog running around. “Right, I guess I owe an explanation to these two as well. I’ll do my best. Woof woof? Bark bark?” He smiles lightly, the expression remaining soft as he removes his shoes and finally gets to give his full attention to the furry friends. How exactly is he going to explain his absence to dogs?

The man crouches down, letting Kurumi—and now Coco, too—sniff his hands. His fingers are still hidden in loose fists. He talks to them again, but Korean switches to Japanese.  

“Hey... How are you? How’s it been? I know I have been away... I got myself hurt a little. That’s why I can’t work normally right now. There’s been some strange man at your door, right? I’m sorry about that. You have to be nice to him too. I don’t know when I’ll be back. It’s upsetting, yes... But you’ll be okay. You’re good girls.”

Are they listening? Maybe. He doesn’t speak dog very well, so the translation of all that could be flawed. He tries to explain using his fingers as puppets, recreating the same story in what looks like sign language just for the dogs and adds little barks here and there. Kurumi and Coco seem to think he’s playing and tap his hands with their paws instead of following the performance. At least he tried.

“Ya... Don’t do that, your nails scratch,” he mutters to the duo that still looks as happy as before. “I guess you’re okay. Thank you for your time,” he says and straightens up, walking over to the living room area to sit down on the sofa and wait for Natsuki. She’d probably have questions too; questions only he could answer.

RP starters: Concern.

“It’s midnight, where the hell were you?!”

“Stop keeping your phone in silent, you got me worried!”

“Blood? Are you bleeding?”

“I don’t like the idea of you walking down the streets all alone.”

“I thought I would never see you again…”

“We should get you to hospital.”

“Where did all those bruises came from?”

“I have the right to be worried!”

“Have you been drinking? You look terrible.”

“Sleep at my place tonight.”

“I don’t feel safe letting you be alone when you’re in that shape.”

“Please talk to me about it.”

“Let me take care of you.”

“You need to rest now. Don’t move.”

“How many times have I told you to not go there?”

“You could’ve died, you know…”

“I don’t care if you don’t want my help, I’ll do it anyways.”

“You really need to stop drinking. I’m serious.”

“This time you got yourself into a hospital. I think that’s a sign.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“You need to stop doing stupid shit like that or you will get yourself killed.”

“I’m your friend, of course I care!”

“You know I’m always here for you, right?”

“You’re not okay.”

“I’m just trying to help you.”

“Let me clean your wounds…”

“Why did you do it? Tell me.”

May 14th

It’s been a month since this pain started. It comes and goes, but it hasn’t been there before. Today has been exhausting.

May 18th

She said I look pale and sick. Honestly, I believe that. Today hasn’t been the best either. The pain is reaching the back of my head and it’s keeping me awake.

May 21st

I managed to get a doctor’s appointment soon. The meds prescribed last time aren’t doing much.

May 24th

I was bad today. I don’t know if I can get through the week like this.

May 30th

I’m still in pain. It comes and goes, but it stays around longer periods of time. I had to lie down during band practice today just to make it manageable. Oddly relaxing.

June 7th

Had a better day. Already glancing at the next. “Please, be nice to me,” I say as I’m lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling at 3am.

June 19th

They aren’t finding any specific reason for the pain. All scans of my neck have been clear. Positive news, but I wish I knew what’s wrong.

June 21st

My sleep was interrupted several times and meds are still weighing me down. I’m tired.

June 29th

I’m kind of used to this now. The unpredictability, the pain. I live with it. Still, I hope it won’t stay.

June 29th

It feels like life is throwing all these hints at me, telling me to stop what I’m doing. Everything has halted. My job, everyday life, physical health... I’m forced to question it. What now?

July 9th

I’m doing okay.