one thing that really gets under my skin is how allistics Love to pretend that if we just said things the Correct Way™ (whatever that means, since none of them are willing to explain it to me) then maybe our lives wouldnt be so hard & if we could just learn how to communicate Properly all our problems would be solved. so millions of autistic kids took to studying the dictionary, paying attention in english class, learning definitions and nuances, connotations, cultural contexts, implications, the ways the order of the words affects the meaning of the sentence, deciphering which adjective works Best in this context, figuring out which word should be emphasized over the others in the sentence (if any at all!), and doing that before every single sentence we say. and its still wrong. because it turns out, the "implications" they were talking about has nothing to do with the order i said my words or the exact definitions of the words, its a mysterious other problem that they wont tell me because i should just Know why whatever they think i said was mean.

and this is just what happens when we're actually able & willing to do these things, a lot of autistic people either dont care to put in all that effort or genuinely can't do it for one reason or another. but it doesnt matter, there's actually no way to be autistic without allistics misunderstanding you constantly and making it out to be our fault that they refuse to put any work into understanding us. its not fair the amount of effort i have to put in to Try and understand what the fuck allistics are on about half the time but they cant be bothered to do the same for us

i love autism and i would never choose to not be autistic given the chance but it's really fucking shitty sometimes

happy autism month, please keep listening to autistic voices even after the month is over

Thinking that if I stopped being the first one to reach out and start interactions no one would ever talk to me

I don't feel like I exist like other people do. People *sometimes* acknowledge I exist but I never truly feel connected to them. I feel like I'm just a ghost watching other people live their life and connecting while I remain alone. I don't know how to get out of my lonely space and I'm not sure I entirely want to. I've felt so lonely my whole life that I find comfort in knowing I'm lonely and no one can hurt me. Equally, I want to meet new people, be able to connect, and break this endless self isolation cycle but I have no idea where to fucking start.

Maybe that's my new year resolution, to fix this empty feeling of mine

I wish I would belong somewhere. A friend group. A relationship.

But I never belong anywhere. I'm always just an outsider.

AUTISM AND (THE CONSEQUENCES OF) DEHUMANIZATION

(1): Franz Kafka, "the metamorphosis" ; (2): Ruta Sepetys, "emilia - salt to the sea" ; (3): Susan Sontag, "as consciousness is harnessed to flesh" ; (4): Walton Ford, glepnir ; (5) Mitski, "cop car" ; (6): Franz Kafka, "letters to felice" ; (7): @soapstore ; (8): witch hat atelier, ch 43 ; (9): Olivia Laing, "the lonely city" ; (10): @fagromyzidae

Autistic loneliness is so unbearably complicated.

The craving of wanting a warm and cosy relationship eats you up but the repulsion towards opening up about yourself always lingers like a sheen of invisible frost.

A kaleidoscope of secrets lies under your skin that begs to be released but is not made for the horrors of the outside world. It's too bright, too weird, too different for others to understand it. So it remains caged within, festering and crumbling under the barely-there weight of emptiness.

Regardless of how well you can mutilate and crimp yourself into a more-palatable human form, you'll always be that outsider who almost doesn't fit the guidelines of a regular human.

This is for the people who didn’t party in their teens and twenties. For the people who didn’t have that “coming of age” movie experience with shenanigans and revelations. This is for the people who mostly keep to themselves. Who maybe prefer things to be quieter and gentler. This is for the people who don’t feel like they belong in a culture that values loud parties and flashing lights. I see you. And you are valid.

i am the loneliest person on the planet

it’s when your friends grow distant from you. and you make excuses for them because they never explained themselves. “they’re busy with school” “their family has a lot going on” you respect their privacy. you don’t want to annoy them. until you see their online posts. all of them together. meeting up in a restaurant. a reunion. everyone who seemed so busy has no problem leaving you out. not even asking if you were free. not missing your presence. and you wonder why. why was i left out with no answer? why do i get left behind? why does no one talk to me anymore? what did i do? what did i do? what did i do? what did i do? i have no friends. i’m no one’s first choice. i’m not even a last choice. i’m not even here. does anyone think of me? not about what i can do for them. but about how i’m doing? when will i meet people who think of me? who include me in anything? am i destined to be alone? why am i the worst person in the world? why won’t anybody tell me what i’m doing wrong? nobody’s here.

- amistillhere

Does anyone else feel lonesome?

Not lonely. Not alone. Just... lonesome. Like you don't feel connected to anyone. Like you never feel that you will find anyone that understands you, that will see you truly, let alone someone who will even like you. You see friends everywhere, but you don't see yourself in their place, like that is not for you, like you're not made for that and that's not made for you. You see people having fun and laughing and dancing and getting drunk and falling in love and you just... don't feel that for yourself. Like you're not supposed to have that, like you can't because it's not for you and you're not for it.

Like you're supposed to be seeing all these beautiful things in the world but not experience them yourself. Like you want to experience so much, experience everything, but be overwhelmed by it so you don't do any of it.

Like you want to be everywhere and do everything, but you don't belong anywhere and can't do anything. Like you're not supposed to be here. Not in a self-deprecating way but in an incongruous way. You want to live you want to be alive, but you feel you're not supposed to be. Not here at least, not like this. Just a presence in the world, not an active member of it. Even your body doesn't feel like home, your face isn't a face you recognise, like you're not supposed to have either. Like you're just supposed to be.

Like you're supposed to observe, but not experience.

no google, I am not raising a child

The worst part about being mentally ill is the fact that you are always alone even around others you always feel like the odd man out that nobody likes you rotting in bed is the the only time you feel safe but after awhile it’s just miserable I want to belong I want to be connected I don’t want to have to put on a mask to be accepted I don’t want to have to take heavy duty drugs just to be able to get out of bed for the rest of my life but it sucks cause no matter how hard I try I’ll never be enough cause even at my best I’m still the worst

Anyway some positivity for:

-Adults whose emotions are/feel like theyre frozen at a younger age (whether thats due to trauma or neurodivergency, etc)

-Adults whose autistic masking makes them look mature but they get accused of "acting immature" when they feel safe enough to unmask

-Adults who regress or semi regress, whether thats particularly when they feel safe and happy or particularly when they feel stressed or after experiencing stress, voluntary or involuntary

-Adults who do traditionally non-adult things like watch kids tv, collect toys, name and sleep with stuffed animals

-Adults whose responses to emotions such as excitement are percieved as more childish and often mocked by other adults

-Adults whose baseline/inner self is more childlike/"immature" but they mimic behaviour from other, more mature seeming people, in order to avoid ridicule/appear to cope better/appear more "put together"

-Adults who force themselves to live up to some inner standard of maturity because showing any sign of "immaturity" was generally unsafe growing up so now they struggle with a whole complex about this

-Adults who have been praised since age 7 about how mature they are for their age and now theyre learning to accept their own immature moments or behaviours years later because nobody's told them its ok to not be the mature person 24/7

I see you, i love and support you ♡♡♡

You arent "contributing to your own infantilisation" or doing something bad or wrong. You dont deserve to be put down, ridiculed, infantilised or treated as less because of these things. You arent less you arent incapable you arent a problem!!!

as a neurodivergent person, the word "rude" has lost any meaning to me at this point. i'm rude for not making eye contact. i'm rude for my monotone voice. i'm rude for not talking enough. i'm rude for being blunt. i'm rude for doing something else while you talk because it helps me focus on what you're saying. i'm rude for getting triggered. i'm rude for speaking up about the systemic mistreatment and marginalisation of neurodivergent people (and any of my other communities for that matter). i'm rude for not wanting to take people's shit. i'm rude for not liking my words being twisted. i'm rude for not wanting to be erased, dismissed and misrepresented. i'm rude for existing. neurotypicals and otherwise privileged people have used this word so much to describe any and all of these that i don't know what they mean anymore beyond "i personally don't like what you're saying/how you're acting because you don't act the way i think you should". the standards of "friendliness" neurodivergent and otherwise marginalised people are held to are wild and impossible to reach. i know exactly why the word "rude" barely exists in my vocabulary. it's mostly just tone policing and neuronormativity.

"this shouldnt be this hard", but it is!!!!! the fuck are you going to do???? beat yourself up until God Himself sends a blessing that bodyslams you into being capable of doing the thing????? spent the entire day feeling bad about it until you somehow can do it????? feel like a failure for it????? bitch!!!! you're disabled!!!!! get your fucking accessibility going!!!!! adapt to your own needs!!!!! stop trying to not be what you are!!!!! you're only making things worse for yourself!!!!! the fuck!!!!!

we need more cringe fail (affectionate) autism representation

where are my autisms who research their special interest for hours and only retain maybe 25 to 35% of the info they read?

where are my autisms who aren't quirky silly relatable but are instead unnerving and weird to be around?

where are my autisms who were never considered "gifted" nor highly empathetic and struggle to relate to others in autism spaces because of it

I love those autisms and you should too actually and if you don't then it sucks to suck I guess

there is trauma surrounding being diagnosed at a young age.

there is trauma surrounding being late diagnosed.

there is no way of knowing which would’ve been better for you because you can only experience one.

being disabled or mentally ill in a society that is not made to support you is inherently traumatic