Entry #15 10152021

Things That Annoyed Me Today 

- Spilled Hi - C on my shirt

- My McGriddle wasn’t good

- My spanx pushed up my back fat

- I was out of breath trying to put everything back on 

- Everyone was in the editing suite

- Too many people in the edit suite

- He won’t move to the desk outside

- Asked to ask if radio was approved, didn’t do it, did it myself

- Inserting her ideas when the organizers were obviously doing something

- Took forever to finish radio, we were cutting it close, only an hour left, she can take forever to reply, and she was out of office 

- He asked me a question, tried to engage in convo and I gave a non answer

- Looked fat in my dress

- Very stressed on how to send the video

- Trying to send before I left, he kept talking to me 

- Left office with video uploading 

- Taco Bell didn't have chalupa box

- Feel fat after eating 

- Hard game as killer, awful gamer 

Entry #14 09172021

It has been literally over a year since I last posted. A lot has happened but I am only gonna talk about today.

So I woke up at six. Told my ass to get the fuck up and shower before my brother came in and stopped me. When I got out if was 6:33. Already later than what I thought it was. I finished brushing my teeth and ten minutes had gone by. What the fuck. I finished getting ready and wasted time fixing my skirt. And also just looking around my room if I forgot anything. 

I got in the car at like 7:15 which I thought would give me plenty of time. When I put it in google maps it said it would take 45 minutes to get there. Luckily I asked which parking structure to go to. When I got there it was already 8:03. I had to walk through the casino totally lost. I got there and there was check in. By the time I got in it was probably 8:15. Event started at 8. The boss asked a question I gave to wrong answers fast. I felt dumb. Thought she was annoyed. Wanted to get the free stuff at the tables, did not have time to walk. Probably would have just been snacks and bags and stuff. Got to my table, I was the only one there. They moved everyone to one table. 

There was an exercise having to make prologued eye contact. Very uncomfortable, my partner cried, I did the fuck not. Hard to keep eye contact for a very long time. 

Cleaned up, felt useless not holding anything not really helping. Went to the bathroom in a loud casino, very proud of that. Felt very stupid not being able to get out of the parking garage. Also very stupid being in the farthest lane from the on ramp. But I was able to merge on without hitting anyone. I got there faster than my other coworker. I was dumb tho because I should have just brought pants so I could wear the shirt I was wearing but I brought a casual dress to be comfortable. But I was wearing a thong. No shorts or longer underwear. When into the filming room, made sure he saw me twice. 

I was able to get off early. Was scared to go straight at 4 went at like 4:05. Should have just went straight on the dot. Wasted time in the car talking to my cousin when I should have been on the road. But I still got there with 10 minutes to spare. Which I used to parallel park with my cousins help. It was pretty good. The roads weren’t as tight as I thought. The drive there wasn’t bad either. 

Got to the shop, could feel my thong in the wind. She was very nice and put a mask on. Got a sweater from my car so I feel less exposed. Looked so dumb with a sweater on but I felt a little better. We spent an hour adjusting the tattoo. When she was doing the tattoo I thought she had done it over my other tattoo but it was just the stencil. When I had to flip over I could feel my underwear out. Probably not but I feel exposed. 

I told them to go ahead to get food but she said it would be almost done. I did not want to be so close to closing. The drive to the curry place was fine. But getting in made me go through an alley, then I had to u turn. But I did not see a place to turn. Went down a road and kept going down because there was nowhere to turn. Google maps kept repeating the same thing. Finally found somewhere to turn and u turn. Said it would take 15 minutes to get back. Finally found my way, went into the wrong parking lot. 

Got there, parked in a really tight spot. There were just ordering so I was good. We ate really fast, Like 15 minutes we were out of there. Wore my oversized sweatshirt. We were the last ones there. I gave a pretty big tip. 

If I did not follow my cousin I would have gotten so lost. Also did not have my headlights on. They zoomed way past me. But there were no problems getting home.  

Entry #13 08262020

Haven’t posted much, so much is happening yet nothing at all.

I have been put on steroids. It made my white blood cell count go up which I am very happy about. I am in so much pain when I wake up in the morning. I have been peeing like crazy though. Also my intestine decided to stop functioning. 

Just got off the phone with a friend. I just want to say, just because you don’t like something doesn’t mean it’s bad. 

Still not talking to my mom. I don’t give a shit. We’ll say stuff every once in a while, but I just talked to her today and she sounded angry. What the fuck are you angry for bitch. Still won’t exercise with her. 

Unemployment is annoying. Apparently I won’t get the extra money that is trying to be put in the system right now. I have more than enough, but I have loans to pay, stuff to buy. There was an amount of money I wanted and I don’t think I am going to get that. I don’t want other people to know about it. 

I am trying not to gain weight. But steroids give me an appetite and I feel excited to eat instead of nauseous. 

My cousin doesn’t seem to go out that much anymore. 

So much, yet so little is going on. 

Entry #12 08082020

My mom’s a FUCKING BITCH.

Here’s a recap of events.

I wake up to rinse my tie dye hoodie. Her shit is in the washer. I hate moving other people’s laundry. I don’t expect them to do it for me, so do it yourself. I go into her room and ask her. I tell her that I died a sweater. She makes an exacerbated sound. I ask her what the fuck her problem is. Me dying my clothes literally has nothing to do with her. She says it’s because I will mess up the tub.

Then in an annoying ass tone she tells me that they are returning the air fryer. I ask why. Because it was too expensive. She is still using an annoying ass voice. I tell her whatever I am just going to buy one myself. She tells me that there is already another one ordered. I close the door in her face. Last night while using the air fryer for the first time she did NOTHING BUT COMPLAIN AND POINT OUT LITTLE PETTY THINGS. Like how it wasn’t evenly brown. How it was too loud. Even my dad called her out. She asked if the food was too hard. YEAH BITCH IT’S FUCKING FRIED. JUST SO FUCKING ANNOYING. WHY CAN’T YOU JUST SAY GOOD THINGS. WHY ARE YOU SUCH A BITTER BITCH THAT HAS TO POINT OUT THINGS THAT ARE SO STUPID. This is good for the family. Everything you fucking cook is soaked in oil. It becomes so soggy because of how much oil is trapped in the food. And you just fucking eat it like that. This is why this family is so fucking fat. EVERYTHING IS JUST SOAKED IN OIL. 

I come downstairs and my mom asks me if I’m going to use it. I snap at her no. I go to get the box of breakfast sandwiches. I grab the wrong end and they all fall out. I’m fucking pissed. I throw the box to the sink. I go upstairs to get water or something and I come back down to my mom putting the sandwiches in a bag. Then she fucking does this thing that she has been doing literally since I was young where she just talks to herself about how fucked up everything is. She starts slamming the freezer. She starts slamming the dishes in the sink and slamming them in the dishwasher. She is still talking to herself this whole time. it’s like the things she wants to yell at me she yells at herself. Fucking psycho. 

Bitch I have lived with you my whole life. You don’t fucking phase me. I just fucking disassociate. She is not winning this. You want me to go upstairs out of your sight. No bitch I’m going to sit right here and enjoy this breakfast you just tried to ruin. I am done with all this shit. You’re not gonna talk to me? Ignore me? Fine, dad’s in the house now, who the fuck do you think I am going to talk to? Do you even realize how much PTSD you have fucking given me from your yelling fits. I thought we were fucking done with that bullshit when I left the house. You fucking cunt. Fucking yell at me again you are not going to see me for the whole day. Bitch. You want me to ignore you too? I can play that game. But I’m not going to you stupid bitch. Fucking whore. Because we literally didn’t talk the three months before I went to college CAUSE YOURE A FUCKING BITCH. And if I were to ask you about that now you would deny, cause your fucking dumb. I see it everyday I am in the house with you. Look how long this post is. THIS IS HOW FUCKED UP YOU MAKE ME. FUCKING BITCH. I got dirty dishes in my room because I know you are going to yell at me for not doing them. I FUCKING HATE DOING THE DISHES. I’ll do anything else but the dishes. You hate cleaning? THEN FUCKING ASK US TO HELP YOU INSTEAD OF BOTTLING IT UP AND FUCKING YELLING AT US AT RANDOM TIMES. Yell at my forty year old brother who doesn’t do anything. 

she makes me so mad, it’s not even funny. 

Entry #11 07302020

I have only been posting once a week, which I think is good sign for my sanity. 

After I write this I will be watching my romantic anime. I have been watching a lot of anime recently. Been watching so much shit. It feels good when I finish something. i have been going through shows so fast. It usually takes me forever to watch shit but these fast few weeks I have been blasting through things. 

I’m scared of when this whole pandemic is over. Who the fuck am I going to hang out with. On the regular at least. It takes so much effort to hang out with the people I know. I am not going to work anytime soon. How am I going to make friends that way. At least I have a lot of money right now. I love it so much. I just need 10,000 and I will feel so good. It’s getting to point where it feels like it isn’t real. Like you can just keep adding numbers to my account. It’s just a number. 

I have a slew of health problems. Had a phone call with my rheumatologist. Went super fast didn’t feel great about it. I have two bumps in my armpits, I think it is my lymph nodes. What infection am I trying to fight. And currently my throat is itchy and I have been coughing every once in a while. Yeah, I am scared shitless of having covid. This week I accepted a package from a guy without gloves or a mask. And I went to Trader’s Joe’s with a loose mask. I hope and PRAY that I wake up tomorrow and it is GONE. I am praying and putting out the energy that when I wake up tomorrow it will be gone. I’m hoping it is just really dry in my room and my throat is just dry because of that. What if I am spreading it to my family right now. I do not feel sick. So I think that is a plus. Also probably have a yeast infection. Why the fuck am I itchy down there. 

My friend doesn’t have covid anymore, that’s good.

I talked to my cousin today who I haven’t talked to in forever. That’s good.

Talked to my college friends this week. That’s good.

Sent both my friends their graduation presents. That’s good. 

I don’t feel sick. My anxiety could also be making it worse. Also there are moments where I don’t feel it. 

We will be going out this week. I’m gonna have extra protection. 

Haven’t exercised much this week. Ugh it’s going to be so difficult to get it going again. 

So much happened this week. Hmm. 

Entry #10 07212020

Been a week since I last posted siiiiiick.

I felt so sick this morning eating breakfast. Then I needed to take a trip in the car for two hours and I felt so nauseous. Like I wanted to say to pull over so I could puke, but I didn’t. Thank god. But literally the most miserable hour of my life. I think it was just anxiety about throwing up. Went to the dentist. That went well. I don’t get how the dentist can just keep drilling away at my tooth and it can be structurally sound. Like eventually I’m just not gonna have a tooth. Luckily it was quick. Last time was a fucking nightmare. Literally thought I was going to choke. Nothing the dentist did. Just me freaking out. Also I kept moving the drill with my tongue. Imagine if she just drilled right to the gum. Still choked on the water though. I cannot get my throat to just fucking relax. Also I get so sweaty so easily. I was dripping sweat at the dentist office. It was so embarrassing. 

I was in an awful mood today. Everyone noticed. 

Entry #9 07142020

I rode my bike in my neighborhood today in a short dress. It probably looked inappropriate. It look like I didn’t have pants on. My coochie wasn’t out because I was wearing shorts, but the shorts were too short. Some little pervert boy at the park was trying to get a look at me. Saw so many people while I was riding. So embarrassing. Will definitely wear shorts tomorrow. Gave me so much anxiety. Everyone was looking at me. Also there is someone with a Trump flag in my neighborhood. Disgusting. I would put a Black Lives Matter sign in my window if I actually owned by house. I was think if anyone is their houses could see me trying to fix it but who the fuck is just looking outside. Ugh. 

This week I have been thinking a lot about my Japan trip. It’s about to be a year since we took it. I was wondering why I didn’t enjoy it has much as I did. There was just a lot of stuff I wanted to do that I did not get to do. But they were just small things that would make me seem like a bitch if I said something about it. Never got to try Japanese McDonalds. We ate at 7/11 EVERY morning. Still mad about the day we wasted because we came home at six in the morning from the clubs. Never got to go to a souvenir shop again. I’m so out of shape it was hard for me to keep up in the heat. I got tired so easily. I’m anemic as well. Just felt like I was slowing everyone down. No guys noticed me at the clubs because I looked like just another asian girl. I want to live there so bad. For at least a year. Just do whatever the fuck I want. Oh also totally wasted a trip to borderless. I was so tired couldn’t even make it to the second floor. 

Naya Rivera was declared dead today. Fucking sucks. She was my favorite. If I had to pick a character to play it was Santana. Love her. Rest in Peace. 

Entry #8 07042020

Happy 4th of July, but America is awful and major changes need to happen. Kayne is apparently running for president and I thought 2020 could not get any worse. Like literally the worse idea in the world. Also the fireworks happening outside my house are giving me PTSD.

I like to think I have been doing a lot better these past days. My back has been a little better. I think it is getting better because I am doing nothing. But I can’t do nothing because then I’ll get fat. Routines are important in keeping sane. My routine is skincare. And I love it! 

I bought a water color set and it’s the best thing in the world, but I need more canvases/paper. I am also waiting on gifts so that I can send my friends stuff.

Talking about friends, was able to face time my friends last night and it was great. Talked for hours, played animal crossing together, got to ask a lot of questions it was so amazing. Until the end, when another friend got onto the call and she is going through some real shit. A lot of stuff was revealed, some I already had an inkling about, some completely new information. I’m here for her. I am trying to be better in the sense that I do not want to relate the conversation back to me. I do not want to come off as selfish. Obviously I want to make her feel better by relating but then we are just talking about me. I should just listen to her and her problems. People feel much better when they talk about it. It’s ok not to be ok. Sebastian Stan taught me that.

Speaking of Sebastian Stan, there were pictures of him with a new girlfriend. And I did not freak out. I like to think I am maturing. With these celebrities I obsess over I use to get so hurt when they had a significant other or even just a rumored significant other. Like it legitimately hurt me. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME HAHA. These people literally have no idea who the fuck I am. There is a good chance I am never going to meet them in my lie. And yet I am hurt when I find out they have a girlfriend. What the fuck. But this time, I didn’t freak out. Maybe it’s because I am slowing getting over my obsession with Sebastian Stan and I just don’t care. This quarantine I have been obsessing over very random celebrities that I will not admit because it is that embarrassing. Yes. 

Entry #7 07012020

So it’s already fucking July. This week is going by so slow but this month went by so fast. 

Good things have happened since my mental breakdown. I finally got paid. Immediately got Animal Crossing. My back is still killing me. The other night I was laying on my stomach and I think it really fucked up my back. I was in so much pain this morning. Did not want to eat. Took one of my old pain pills and passed the fuck out, felt a little better. Last time I took one after another too soon and almost threw up. So did not make that mistake. Cannot wait for my doctor appointment, maybe he can do something about my back. Went to give blood tests and they were more than $500 fucking dollars. I literally have no health insurance! AHH! I have so many medications doctor appointments and other shit and I have to pay out of pocket for all of them. At least I know there are a lot of others in the same boat as me, but it is stressful as fuck. 

I think I bought some fake CBD from a smoke shop so there is $30 down the drain. I am going through one of those periods where food does not seem appealing to me. Like I do not want to eat anything. Painted by nails black, like my soul. My developed film came in and the pictures are so good! Posting pictures gives me something to do everyday. What the fuck am I going to do after this quarantine? 

Entry #7 06282020

So they past two days have been awful. I’m pretty sure I had a mental breakdown the other night. I asked my dad to get me food and he did not get home until midnight when he did come home and was over it and told him to put it in the fridge. Also my back and hip are still killing. The pain is not going away. I think I’m going to call my doctor tomorrow because I’m about to rip my back out. 

Woke up the next day in an awful mood. Just had that general anxious feeling that I was not in control. Ordered a bunch of shit online with money I should not be spending. Yelled at my mom because she told me I has nursing boobs. Ran out of CBD to smoke. I am in pain and cannot take Tylenol. I am currently on hold with unemployment because I have yet to get paid. I am in pain. 

Entry #6 06252020

Writing this after a face time with my cousins. One cousin is trying to figure out how to hang out with her boyfriend. If she gets caught it’s not my problem. Hope she’s smart enough not to get stick from hanging out with this boy. My other cousin doesn’t remember the long conversations we had about her job now she has a new one and has to quit. She can figure out how to quit on her own, she’s an adult. Our conversation was cut short so it gave me anxiety. I barely talk to them anymore. 

My back and hip are still hurting, it hurts to bend over. But I went for a walk and I was in a better mood. I tried to get high all day for some kind of pain relief, not really getting high. 

I finished the last air bender today and it made me kind of sad, it was such a good show. I can finally watch videos about it and not get spoiled. Look at all the memes. 

Talked to my friends today, that was good. But last night I was talking to a friend about animal crossing and asked if it was boring, felt like I offended her because she loves the game so much. I wanted to talk about it once and done. Still don’t have the game yet, will once I have money. Probably just gonna blast music and clean my room to feel better. Ugh, also my unemployment check hasn’t come in yet. 

Entry #5 06242020

Okay, so today was awful.

Yesterday nothing happened and it made up for it today.

This week my left hip and lower back were killing me. But today the pain was unbearable. I cannot even bend over. Left my left leg literally put me in tears. It only goes away when I lay on my side. Getting up/sitting up is the worse thing in the world. I tried to use a massager today, did absolutely nothing. Still in pain. Tried to smoke some weed because it help with my jaw pain, not helping with the pain at all. Hopefully when I wake up it will be gone. I might need to go to my doctor and get some cortisone shots, but I have no fucking insurance right now and it fucking sucks. I have an autoimmune disease and I have no insurance. Like what the fuckkkkkk. 

Also haven’t gotten my paycheck yet. Apparently there are problems with the system and it is stressing me the fuck out. Please give me my money. 

Got my waxing kit today, kind of blacked out, but came out with hairless armpits. It is really good wax. I just went to town. Messed up a couple of times and practically ripped my hair out with my bare hands because I forgot how to wax for a second. My armpits are so smooth. 

Haven’t started my period, and I have a feeling it is going to be a painful one.

My back is fucking killing me. 

I’m going to finish the last air bender tomorrow.

Gonna smoke some more then knock the fuck out.

Entry #4 06232020

Honestly, not much happened today, like most days. 

Waiting to get my unemployment check, but it hasn’t come, but I know it will probably be there tomorrow.

Gonna get my waxing kit tomorrow. Time to be a hairless mole rate.

Again, I hate when I think I’m random embarrassing moments in my head and I gag. Past is the past, no one else is thinking about it. 

Did yoga today. My body is in a lot of pain. 

Kind of a boring entry. I got nothing else. 

Entry #3 06222020

Past two days have been pretty good. I did yoga this morning. 

I need to watch my eating habits. I have been eating with no control. I’m really afraid I’m going to get sick with how much I eat. Or be on the toilet all day. 

I would really like to get my unemployment check soon. I watch to get animal crossing. FUCK, I just realized I am going to have to pay for a Nintendo membership. I am saying here and now. I have set amounts set for my debit card and I WILL NOT go below them. I have such a problem with spending money. Like I just can’t stop. I have awful spending habits. The only I will get is the video game, I will just wait until my next check to get the member and a new bike.

I want to lose weight. But I am too lazy. I do not want to eat salad, I just want to eat. I am stuck at home, there is nothing else to do. 

That’s really all for this diary entry. Nothing is really sticking out in my mind as bad. Nothing unusual just my mom and brother annoying the crap out of me. Also I hate when I think of a random embarrassing moment and I think about it for like half a day. Ugh the past is the past, shit has already happened and probably no one else is thinking about. They are too busy thinking about their own lives. 

This diary has been treating me well. 

Entry #2 06202020

Today was a pretty good day. Woke up early to go run some errands. It is very hard to find 35mm film in stores. Talked to my cousin today about some of the things we talked about last night on face time, she didn’t seem as dumb today. I’m debating wether to keep this negative tone going in these entries. I know I am being very negative, but at least I am getting things off my chest. Should I look at the positive? There is not that much of that going on.

One good thing that happened today was that I got to talk to my friends for a few hours. Almost all of my college friends live up north which is really sad, it takes a lot of effort to go see them. It takes a lot of effort to see my friends here. While on face time, both my parents thought I was talking to them instead on my phone. I though back of how I almost choked on a dumpling trying to explain to my dad I wasn’t talking to him. I am getting so mad so easily in this house. I need to get outside and exercise, but I am so fucking lazy. I get on people in this house for talking with their mouths full but I do the same thing. I am so afraid of choking it gives me anxiety. My mom just eats and eats with no regard. She eats so fast without thinking. She ate like two bags of fruit she got from a tree from a fish farm we went to and she got sick. I should have told her something in the car while she was munching away. Now look at her. Maybe it is okay to be negative in these posts, it is getting my anger out.

I have graduated from college six months ago. Those three and half years went by fast and I am constantly thinking did I really enjoy myself. I did, I had some great times, but I never pushed myself. Didn’t party that much, didn’t get drunk a lot, smoked a lot. But I just wanted to do more, to get more crazy. But thinking about it now, I did a lot. Just never had a boyfriend, never had sex, haven’t even kissed anyone and at my age honestly embarrassing. Like I do not even want to write that down. I always lie and say that I have but even I forgot that it is a lie. When I remind myself I just push it back down, but I know I am not the only one is this boat. When I think about college did I really enjoy myself. I was thinking of a trip to Japan I took, and obviously there were some really great times, but I wish we did more, but we did so much. I keep thinking did I enjoy myself and we did so many fun things, so why am I asking myself that. My mind just wants to focus on the negative and the parts I didn’t enjoy, but thinking about it now I had so much fun! Ugh my mind.

Now that I am home all the time, I am also around public enemy number one, my brother. I don’t know why but he just needs to open his mouth and the fucking annoys the crap out of me. I snap on him everyday and he doesn’t retaliate back this days. But when I was younger both him and my mom gave me so much anxiety. I remember one time I hit my brother on the head and he yelled at me. He has thrown bags of bathroom trash at me. He yelled at me for downloading something on my phone THAT HE FUCKING DOWNLOADED and called me a liar. He punched a hole in the wall when me and my ex posted inappropriate jokes on each other’s facebook. I look at this as payback for all those years. I can’t remember what else he’s done probably because I blocked it out of my memory. Oh yeah and he keeps overfeeding my dog. Do you want the dog to be overweight like you? You don’t walk him, so fucking stop. He looks hungry? Of course he does, because he knows you’ll feed him. Idiot.

Also when my dad yells at my mom, it gives me PTSD.

Feels good to get shit off my chest.

Entry #1 062020

I wanted to start an online diary because I am going crazy during this quarantine and my hand would get tired if I wrote this in a physical journal. Although I do have anxiety about someone finding my email then finding this account. But my other Tumblr had been under wraps for years so I should not have any worries. So I’m going to write here to keep my sanity. Just got off the phone with a younger cousin and she’s talking about vaping and all that bullshit. Saying she does not want to try weed because it smells gross. What the fuck, vaping is literally pointless and addicting. All the kids vaping now are going to be smoking cigarettes in the next five years. And she says she would rather get drunk than high. Newsflash, you haven’t done either, so stop pretending like you would rather do one thing than the other. She just sounds like a baby.  So many people around her are telling her that vaping is gross but her sister does it so its okay. Hopeless. 

Also, these past few days I am been trying to determine if I am a toxic person. I think I gaslight people. I kind of like it when I prove someone wrong or try to point out someone’s wrong behavior. But is my behavior wrong for doing that. My defense is that they are doing it first, but then I am giving it right back. I need to think of more example of this. It might just apply to one person. What if they think that I am a toxic person, a bad friend. I’m stubborn and I always think I am right. I just want to make them feel bad. I want to point out what you are doing wrong in your life so bad. Why the fuck am I like that? I was thinking these past years I was a secure person but I know I am acting out because I am insecure. I am going to crazy in this house, my depression and anxiety are through the roof. At night when the house is quiet, it is the worst. I feel so lonely. No one to talk to. I am awful at talking to my friends. Well, calling them. My social anxiety has gotten worse being stuck inside all the time. I had so much anxiety going to Trader Joe’s, the people there are too interactive. 

Everyone on Bumble is awful. I want a boyfriend, but it feels like no one wants me. Moving on.

Also part of me doesn’t want this lockdown to end. I only have two friends in town and I have not talked to them in ages. They never are the one to initiate the hang out I always have to text them. I do not know where to make friends here. Something I know is that people from college are feeling the same way. Who the fuck am I going to hang with when quarantine is over? It’s not the same as college. This entry makes me want to cry, which I think is good because I am getting my feelings out. I probably won’t read this again because I do not want to face my feelings. This post is really negative, but I just need to remind myself not every part of life is high there has to be some lows. And I am at a low right now.  

Also I’m fat. Wanted to end this on a positive note, but I can’t think of anything right now.