The Darkest of em all !!! I still remember em, I remember em all.

Since I am not the only one who have survived rape and considering how shitty the cases are dealt with in here as in Maldives by Maldives Police Service, I just gonna rip it out like a band-aid.

" I was raped and I fking survived it "

So what, bad things happened to me when I was little, this wasn't new, another day of my shitty life. Except this time, it wasn't only 1 person, it was 7 of em.

You should know how to identify a predator when you see out there, else you ain't gonna make it. I learned it the hard way.

Back in 2015, a normal day started, it was okay, and just found out my favorite band was playing, " Traffic Jam". So I went to HulhuMale alone to see them. At that time I had been there once or twice. So I knew my way around or so. So I was there and having fun and then I met a classmates brother. We have met once or twice through him. He asked me to help out with a project which he has been working on for some political people. Never realized what I was getting involved in, but out of the goodness of my heart, what the hell, will just give him what he wants and he will leave. Then I agreed to help him. So after the show he asked to come and have a look and told me we will be going to his home, the same home where classmate lives. So I said yes and I got on his bike and he took me near that BBQ area at HulhuMale and asked me if I wanted a coffee. I said yeah sure and didn't realize what was mixed in it. I woke after like 5 hours to 7 naked man. Blood was everywhere in that room. I didn't realize I was in pain but I still remember there faces. Every single one of em......

Never Meant to be Together

It's true that when destiny becomes your worst enemy, it can be pretty difficult to face what's coming down the road.

Maybe it is true that, We were never meant to be together. The tragic story of Laila & Majnoon, they were known as the soulmates, but in the end they never got to be together. 🙁

Finally I get to breath. Me & Labeen are officially over. Survived 😋

Told you so !!!

Damn, that was hard. Labeen managed to break the already broken pieces in my heart. Surprising fact is, I saw is coming and I never did anything to prevent it. Let my heart be broken again. Great.

I guess Thank You Next it is.

Still love him 😢

#Internationalsuicidepreventionday

Those who think about doing this, remember you matter. Not to someone else, stay alive and live for you. You are one fierce force of nature. No one can beat you down when you are fired up. Remember that and fuck this shitty feelings. We will beat the crap out of em 💪 Aye

The Look 😳

You may know about the shameful look everyone gives you. Towards me, the looks came with bad Nick names. When you walk by someone, people keeping staring you all the time, even if they don't say anything, the look tells a thousand shitty things to your mind. That feeling is a horrible feeling.

The one who gives the look with the Nick names are the worst. They don't shut up until you run away.

So I found a way to shut em up. "Middle Finger" and start commenting about his / her appearance. My first move was to walk away without saying anything. It doesn't work with everyone. So, had to come up with a back up plan. Gotta tell yah, it works.

Be Strong & Don't let shitty peoples comment side track you 🙂

"The streets weren't made for everybody, that's why they made side walks - Cookie Lion"

Well, that saying doesn't say we cant fight our way back on to the street even if we were kicked to side walks 😉 Think Smart Peeps 😂

The thought of him leaving me is eating me alive. I was never good at this but this much of feelings, it ain't no good for me for sure.

A walk towards me, a look and a smile. That's what it took to break my vows to myself which I have built in the past year. In one minute it went just like PPPPPPPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

Oops I Did It Again 😶

Well, it happened again. I let myself open to someone whom I cared about a lot and I am already regretting it.

Back in 2016, I met one of the good ones from Fakebook. We were talking till last year May / June if I remember correctly. One night we shared a pic and I don't know what happened. He went MIA. I thought he didn't like me and I didn't realize he was looking for something with me. I couldn't see it even when it was right in front of me. LOVE. Damn. I am so bad at this. About a week ago he came back to my life as Mr Theo James.

We never met previously even after that much of talk and stuff. 2 days ago he met me and here comes this guy with a long hair, taller than me ( Finally), cute AF. I didn't even know where I was sitting when he was walking towards me. I was speechless for like a minute. He was the man of my dreams. It came true but it came at me in pieces. I broke it without even knowing back an year ago.

I came to home and couldn't stop thinking about him. I couldn't stop calling him, texting him, asking to hear his voice...etc...

In this whole process, I fell for him. Not just a small crush or anything, like 'AHU' & ' NOON' level stuff. I vowed myself not let it happen again. Somehow I lost control and I am back it that hole again and I have to pick up the pieces by myself.

Gotta tell yah, That suicidal feeling didn't came for a while. It's breaking the chains and all at once is coming at me. Anxiety, depression ... Etc...

So glad I studied psychology. Well half of it and ....

I will end up writing something shitty very soon, trust me.

Good Night 😴

❤️❤️❤️❤️

When You Feel My Heat,

Look Into My Eyes

It's Where My Demon Hide,

It's Where My Demons Hides

🎶 Imagine Dragon 🎶

Did I do something wrong ?

In a world where people are not appreciated & guided in life in a mannered way, what can you expect? Honestly, expecting something wouldn't be wise at all. We used to help each other when we were in need of each other, now you see people fighting over for power. No matter what the consequences are, they never consider it as long as they are getting what they want. People are getting used to this way of living and a now a dead body means a victory for someone, a bullied kid a toy used to amuse people, a child is just an excuse to show other people that you are a good person but you are not. It sickens me that people are not standing up for the victims. Is this our way of living or a decision we will regret later.

These are some questions and thoughts I have been having for a long time. Saddened that I was unable to provide a helping hand. 😶🙁☹️😭

In a world where people are known to do cruel things, we humans take this so lightly and when tragedy happens, you start to blame people. Well grow the F up. You are responsible for your own god damn life and safety. If you let someone else take control over it, then BAM, you are dead.

Don't get me started about the Government Offices in Maldives. Literally, THE MOST UN- ORGANISED offices you will ever see in the whole world. The funny response from them "Our condolences for the tragic loss, we should do our best to minimize these". 2 days later they don't even remember anything that happened.

Regardless of the corrupted situation at MPS & MNDF, I do salute them as they are the one who protect us. I pray you guys will find the light one day.

Hope for the Best & Peace to the World 😶

Don't pick a Job, Pick a Boss!

The best decision I have ever taken. Well, the

Private company I chose to work was kinda messed up for a big company. The managers seem tired of their work all the time, like they didn't like doing it at all. Hey, who would work 15 years in a company and do not know why your own employees leave. I said, that ain't for me. So I took a decision to change my job.

My previous job, the manager and I were close + I kinda came out to him and he accepted it. So it was going really well and I have to complete my studies and so I came Male. Still miss that bitch. So I changed my job and I am gonna start working in another company on Sep. We have worked together before and kinda know him a little bit and I trust my previous boss and he said it's going to be okay and he is a good one. So I never flinched and accepted the offer. Got my agreement and we are good to go.

FYI, still single and on the hunt 😉

@office !!!

Well, Have been working at a resort for more than 2 years and I got the best teammates. A straight one, a gay one, a bisexual one & a lesbian one.

It's sad that we are leaving the place and we are going our own way, u know what they say. All good things must come to an end.

The funny part is I had an account on Grinder and I know all the gay people in the resort and they don't know about me. 😂 At least I think they don't 😉.

Well there was, the good dancer, the better dancer, the complicated one, the one with the family issue and the one I fell in love with. Let's leave the story for another time about all others and focus on the one I fell for.

His name is "S" and he's 26. Tall guy with a smile out of this world and with a story u can't bear to hear because of a heartless persons doing. He got kidnapped, sent to Sri Lanka and sold to a drug dealer. He survived and he's struggling to get through it. With what I have gone through, I do believe I can be with him happily by sharing a life with me.

The first time I saw him, I was shocked, my exact words were, " WoW, where did this angel came from?".

He was walking towards me, wearing that resorts crappy uniform, but underneath what I saw was, a beautiful soul. He came up to me and said " Hi dhybea lighter" which means u got a lighter for a cigarette. At that time I was too shocked to answer and I said I don't smoke. First encounter wasn't so romantic and I may have started stalking him. I went to see him on football ground shirtless 😉. Him smiling makes me wonder, am I good for him and I am known to get paranoid about stuff a lot. We started going for dance practice together and we were becoming close and I heard the bad news. I sent my lesbian friend to dig upon him. He has been in relationship for 1 year with a married guy. Right there I thought I died. Literally my heart stopped. I may have cried but I stayed strong. Turns out he's not happy with it and he's looking for something serious and start a life. Which was the same thing I was looking for.

That's what happening in my life now and I really hope I get my happy ending with him. Still on it.

Till next time - Peace to the world - Matt & Blu 👨‍❤️‍👨

Stay tuned 😉!!!

Don't wanna complain about my Childhood.. Butttttt!!!

People says family is everything but sometimes I wonder is it true.

I was the nice (Fingers Crossed) Kid of mommy while growing up, who can't go outside with friends, have to be at her side always. She always used to say, "other kids aren't coming to your home, why should u go." Being the dumb kid who follows what mom says always, I did what she asked. I didn't go. Stayed at home. The only time I get to play is with my sister. In local communities, the games they play are gender based. I was playing with all the women where my friends were playing football. Mom never allowed me to go them to play. Which I understand on some part but not all. What mom said was part true. " There are bad people doing bad things there" . She wasn't wrong, some were smoking, some were high, some jerking of on the football ground, the way we talk was like 90% bad words .

Growing up with my sis and community female friends I got my feminine side. Trust me which is something you don't want in a local community. U get teased, bullied .. etc.. I got everything. I dealt with it. U know how? By ignoring it. Cause I know if I raise my voice also they wouldn't believe me. So it went on and on and on...

So on 8th grade, I found someone who actually cared about me who is actually broken inside. That's a whole another story. We talked, we sitting close to o each other at school. He encouraged me to go play football too. I started going, I realized how correct mom was. It was all true. I learned a lesson that day. So I thought to myself, I can change myself by coming here regularly. I started going, i was fit, got new friends, got in to a football team. Started playing, I quit them joined another 2 teams. Well that went on. Gotta admit, football players are hot. 😜 Till now I haven't told anyone that I find men attractive. In that 3 years I learned a lot about life than I have never had in my entire life. I was only 16.

And the day came where I had to leave for higher studies. Local islands, you only get to study till 10th grade. We have to go to the capital city for higher studies.

Before I went, I told Mom and Dad: I was your good kid, do not talk to me with your raged high voices, if you are mad at me u tell me, not anyone else. I followed u, did whatever u said and now it is my turn, I get to do what I want. She was cool with it. Dad didn't said anything.

The next chapter of my life started from there.

To be continued... 😊

Next Step !!!

A week in that resort I met a dancing crew. Like 10 people were in it and 5 of them were gay but they didn't know about me. I knew about them. I joined them and started Dancing, that went for like a year and they left the company. Funny part is whenever I dance with them, all I could see was there bum, nothing else 😂. Then I met my new best friend from my office. She is a lesbian and she came out to me. I told her your secret will be safe with me. I still didn't had the courage to tell her. I thought I should try a indirect approach. I have been telling her that I have a crush on this daddy. She has been teasing me about it for weeks. I still don't know whether I am gay or not. Management haven't been so good and we are planning to leave and my boss is also joining me. I am so happy about it.

She asked to try Grinder, I did and trust me, this isn't going well. In the resort, most of them are from foreign countries coming for vacation, they usually don't talk to faceless people in the app and as I am in the closet I am really afraid to share my pictures. So that went on.

One night, we were done with the show, DJ was going on and a lot of guests were their. A guy has been staring at me throughout the whole show. I think he took his chance and he grabbed my but. I ran away and I was sitting on the beach area and having a drink. All the dancers came there. I was terrified at the moment as well and I went to the bathroom. He came inside and locked the door. He asked me to come to his room later that night. I immediately said yes so he would let me go. I was wrong. He lifted me up in his shoulder and took me to his room. I didn't yell or anything, so for some reasons I was liking it 😂. I sat at the couch and we talked. He kissed me and I couldn't back down. I kissed back. A whole night went through foreplay-ing. I asked him to let me go and he said only if u promise to come back tomorrow night. I said I will think about it and I went to my room next day early morning around 5 AM. I slept for 2 hours and I had to go to duty. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I asked my lesbian friend. She said " Oh my boy is growing up, please go and loose your virginity" 😂😂. So I thought about it and I went. He was really nice. Once I entered the room he lifted me in his arms and took me to the bathroom. Bathtub was already filled with water and flowers. Beverages near it. I had no idea it was a thing, a good time at a bathtub? I went for it. We talked, drank, we made out and we got to know each other a little better. He took me from bathroom to the room, ( to the bed) we started making out and went through all ( if u know what I mean 😉). I had a great time. We shared contact numbers, social media etc.

His departure date came and I found out about that day, he was married and guess what happened...

STAY TUNED 😊

What I did next !!!

I started seeing this Facebook fake accounts that these people have. So I created one and I found a gay persons account and went through his friend list and sent friend request to every friend he had on that list. I wasn't expecting any response but the response I got was out of this world. They started asking questions like which I didn't know how to answer. Had no idea what's a Top, a Bottom or a Versatile was. I got like 50 people to text at a time, literally.

I met one of the good guy and I told him I was new. So he explained like everything. He called me through messenger and explained from A to Z what this place is. We got close and he asked me out. I wasn't sure what I was gonna say. I didn't reply to him for like a week and I thought I should give this a try. So we set a place and a time to meet. It was a park near a school. The time was fixed and I went there a little early. I was sitting on a bench and I saw this guy, who looks nothing like a Maldivian, Cute AF, his smile, nice built up body, walking towards me like a really smart handsome, young wonderful man. He came near to the bench and sat down near me and introduced himself. We talked and not gonna lie, had a great time. On the other hand I see people eyes staring at me like I am something damaged. I over think about a lot of stuff, it was one of them. My next couse started and I started going to class and got a job. Which stole most of my time. One night he asked me to be his boyfriend via a messenger text. I said yes and I thought I should try this. I did and I couldn't keep up with it. I couldn't manage the timing. I couldn't give him the amount of time that he wanted from me. So I broke it cause I felt like I was holding him down and I said him quote" Why are u with me? U r a great guy and I can't even meet u properly " I thought I was not good enough for him and I left him and shut myself out again. " And surprising part is he let me go like thinking about it for a second. I didn't expect that kinda reaction. We haven't talked for like a week and I contacted his office and they told me he haven't been there for like a week. So I went to his home and I entered his room, he was crying. He didn't see me and I got out of there. I didn't know how to help him and how to react to a situation like this. I went to home and I cried and tried to forget about it. Took me like 2 months but I did. Even to this day I get to see him ok the road, cycling or maybe on duty but he dont talk to me anymore. I do want him back, but I don't have the courage to ask him again. Nothing has changed about him, same as before. I would love to be his BF now also, but I still don't think I am good enough for him. TBH, I will always think of u the one that got away. " I LOVE U AHUSAN" 😢

Till now also I haven't realized I am gay or bisexual or whatever these people call it.

Apart from getting a gazillion sex request text, my friend list was growing like hell, till now I have 897 fake friends on this fake account. 95% of them look for sex and the chance of getting a good friend is 1 out of a 100.

To people who are getting in to this:

Don't give any Personal Information to anyone there and try meeting someone after getting to know them. There are people who rats you out to other people and publicizing your identity on social media is a big thing there. Just FYI, they have Facebook official pages for outing peoples identity, not only that I have seen Instagram and Tumblr pages as well. So be careful out there.

2 Years there and I still haven't found a right guy to move on with my life.

So I got my diploma's and I got a job opportunity to work at a near by resort, so I went there and a new chapter of this nightmare started there.

A week there and I met ....

STAY TUNED 😊

An intro before I get to it

My name is (XXXX). I am a 22 year old (as of '18) male figuring out what the hell I have done with my life.

I was born in a Maldivian local island. Not a poor family, okay okay parents (if u know what I mean). Growing up my dad wasn't around us, as at that time, people had to move from one island to another for work. My dad was a carpenter, he used to travel a lot for work from one island to another, me and my older 3 brothers and my 2 younger brothers don't get much to see him. We were living with my mom. The 3 older brothers don't get along that much with Mom and rest of the family, even with Dad. Always fighting and with me as well, the relationship wasn't good. My mom is a house wife. I grew up with my mom.

I don't know whether it was fate that made it NOT so good for me. I got most of the stuff that I wanted, got a good education, they raised me right , at least I thought it was...etc.. On the other side, I had depression.

I wasn't allowed to go outside the house after 2100, had no friends, always studying at house or doing something else. One day I got sick of it and I snapped at mom and she started letting me out of the cage a little. I started seeing a part of the world for what it is. The only friends to play with is the neighbors, which do not had any Male friends, all were girls. To sum up, I grew up in a women's community. I did what they did, ate what they ate, played what they played, wore what they wore sometimes. That's how I got my feminine side ( Not so much .... a little 😁)

"Should have said before, as Maldivian's we are Muslims"

At the age of 14, I got bullied, teased, harassed, whatever u mention it happened to me for being a little feminine. They teased about how I walk, how I wore clothes, how I spend times with all the ladies... Etc.. I thought if I get a girlfriend, they will stop it, was wrong. I asked a girl in class out, all I got was from her, quote: "Seriously, u & me, u should go kill yourself".

So I shut myself out, wasn't going out, did miss some classes by lying to mom, wasn't talking that much. Suicidal thoughts were in my mind 24/7.

Days went by, one day I saw my brothers computer connected to internet at his room ( at that time it was a big deal, Data & shit was expensive). The opened tab was of YouTube. I saw a clip of someone crying. I clicked it, it was a women crying, didn't know who she was. Turns out she was "Ellen DeGeneres". She was crying about the dog taken away from a child. I realized if she is crying over a dog taken away by someone, what else is she. I was looking for a chance when will i get access to Internet, every time I get a chance i search about her. So I got to know who she is and started following her and stayed strong. She is my role model. "I still haven't got a chance to watch a full episode of her show, all I see is clips from YouTube". She is a gift given by God to mankind to show how people should live in this damaged world. I love her so much and have a dream of meeting her one day. So followed her steps and carried on hoping it will be okay. Till now as well. It helped a lot at that time.

So I completed grade 10 and went capital city to Join a course. I was staying at a dad's friend house by paying rent. As the newbie in the building, the neighbors were very friendly and that's where it started.

The apartments in the building was given to the teachers of capital city schools by Gov.t, I got to know a Dhivehi teacher ( Local Language Teacher). We started communicating and he invited for dinner. That was going on for like a month. I didn't realize what I was getting into. One night we met at the hallway and he said to help him with his laundry, "come to the top floor to gimme a hand with the laundry". I never went to the laundry and the top floor. So I followed him.

So I went and suddenly, he locked the door and switched the lights off and he grabbed me and started kissing me. He was a big guy and I couldn't get out, he was holding me very tight. I didn't scream and he said it's going to be fine. Trust between me and him was built like a week ago & this happened after a week. So I stayed calm and we kissed and you know the rest. Wasn't expected at all. Was terrified.

After like an hour he let me go and I went running back to my room and was crying like hell. No one knew about it. I tried to forget about it and like within a week time I heard he was dead, I was shocked. Heard he had a heart attack. I was thinking about it for weeks. I couldn't forget about it.

As a Muslim I knew Homosexuality was wrong at our religion and was definitely not accepted in Maldives. It is banned in Maldives and is punishable by imprisonment by Maldives Law.

I got the idea that Ellen might be a help, I was going through the YouTube channel and saw something else terrifying. I saw the case of " Mathew Shepard", But was chilled the way Ellen telecasted it and she said "It is okay to be GAY". (Take note people, IT IS OKAY TO BE GAY). It gave me comfort watching her, following her and I got through it and I somehow forgot about what went with the teacher.

Another night I went away for a walk to clear my mind around 2300. I was around the harbor and saw 2 man having sex. Like fully naked and doing it like hell inside a speedboat. I was staring at them for minutes, they saw me and I ran away.

I couldn't stop thinking about it and I started seeing these .....

STAY TUNED 😁