Glitterytomboy

This is how I strongly felt up until the end of August even though it's a burned out numbness I was so tempted to go out and ask the past few weeks if anything would have mattered. Things hit me so hard, more than I realized they ever could. I still don't know what to say where and it just sounds like a pity party. I need to learn to let go better even when it's critical for me. I have a lot of conflicted feelings about sending you anything about throwing myself in an abyss I almost went through with it and being best to leave anything unsaid if its selfish of me my thoughts were I don't have anyone else though, I don't have anyone else I care to say how I felt about them wishing things were different. I had recurring dreams where I can't talk you where I have to avoid you, they started to turn into one's where I could and it wasn't that big a deal to talk to you and I can handle those ones even less. I feel like I'm nuts.I've been struggling for 10 years in survival mode I'm 36 this year was especially rough my life shut down I almost my ability to keep going to the gym feeling at my breaking point. It's not just you/ it's too many thing I'm overwhelmed by life status ect. But it's a heartbreak that hit me hard despite not really knowing you I haven't been able to shake it. I don't want to be harmful to you. I didn't want to be manipulative of you. if someone in your life is not beneficial for your well being and is causing you some form of discomfort then cut them out. I just hate that moment I failed with you. I'm particularly vulnerable to my thought. You don't understand I was feeling so motivated, I was working so hard to move forward. I'm just going around floundering now. I had concussion a few years ago and I lost two years from that after years of avoiding people and social withdrawal and I've never had the same peace of mind I used to it gave me life long tinnitus 24/7 where I just can't escape to a quiet place with my thoughts when I really need it. I feel like I'm out of the small things that keep me going that I'm not enough for myself anymore. Any time I see someone holding hands I look and forget what that feeling is like. I don't know if you're a William Burroughs Jack Kerouac or Samuel Beckett fan but this me sputtering out. Any spot I pass where I had a heart broken thought is a heart broken moment for me, too many things are tainted. I feel like I burnt out every new friendship connection while I was tying to use them to not rely on you so much and I ended up overwhelming you with messages regardless.. Falling out was deeply personal to me and it mattered. I thought it would be best to burn a bridge, I thought I could just shut myself off with you and best we went separate ways and make sure I drove you off in a way and then I couldn't go back on it and all my frantic words just failed. I was reminded of the one thing I life I never wanted to be reminded of again and that stuck with me trying to shake it. It's a hard memory and to lose someone for those reasons was something I never wanted to happened in life. I didn't want to lose you over that. It felt next to impossible to give time and space over it. I knew it was going to wreck me long term. I really wish I gave it more breathing time and had my words together.I tired to find a way to do things in person I went to that Jack White concert because I wanted to fix things with you, It felt so important to to try to say something in person.I was only brazen because of every ounce of me had to try to say something I made up my mind I wanted to have your back in everything and things were impossible to say and feeling impossible to say nothing. I felt so blindsided with myself I wasn't ready to say what it was and then when I was it was too late I couldn't have a written report of the most personal things in my life it would have crushed me. I knew I was going to affected to some long lasting negative extent but I didn't imagine it would be this bad for me and I was trying to avoid It But I also don't get how you couldn't see how into I was, I don't get how that could have been invisible to you. words just failed. I creeped your feed I couldn't handle you looking sad whether I was misinterpreting it being from myself cause I'm dumb or other things going on in your life creeping your stories and seeing looked sad it made me want to message you that I had to fix it. Any look in your eyes affected me for much. You don't know what a hold on me they had I didn't want to show it when I met you. And to find that in someone and not know who they are but small glimpses. I keep trying to let it out as a sigh. Trying to fill in the gaps I can't shake the feeling that I lost more than I ever lost with anyone.I had this girl that was a friend before I had a concussion a few years ago and her marine boyfriend was stupidly over jealous of me all the time and they broke up over it. I had a concession and came out a year later that she had a new boyfriend and was ghosted and to point where I no longer had a friend with this person. I had this notion if I asked you out I could keep you as a friend I and it would be a sure way to never lose you. That was added on top everything else that was going on with me.I'm full of endless what ifs and should have and shouldn't. I thought of saying something in sensitive way as far back of June of last year but I made the decision not to. I feel like I burnt out every new friendship connection while I was tying to use them to not rely on you so much and I ended up overwhelming you with messages regardless. I feel like I'm crazy not being able to let go. It shouldn't have been that complicated. I was fully aware I wasn't giving communicating enough breathing room. I had so many things I was excited to chat with you about that I didn't want to talk about online. You ever just crave someones presences like you're literally happy sitting next to them in silences it was that kind of feeling.There's always a risk with someone. I knew what it was and I still wasn't prepared. Even being strangers it feels like I lost a lot. I'm sorry for lurking it wasn't always intentional. I can pass any other lost connection person in life fine to no affect anywhere. I don't understand it, All it makes me feel is that I was too slow to realize something. I've had heart break before I know the drill. I tell myself we don't know each other at all, we're a negative sum of nothing and it doesn't help the moment I see you anywhere I'm flustered and I don't know which direction to walk in. My heart races out of control even if you aren't on that street, I've tried to hang out on it just treating it like a normal location to try to escape some anxiety connected to it I can't even listen to songs from when I met you I get paralyzed wanting to escape. I've never had that with anyone before. I've never had a song I couldn't hear over someone. I can't get over how much I'm affected by you, I spent much of the summer feeling like I was going to have a heart attack.The first time I ever walked by you in you the street after you reported me I didn't know who you were from behind. I just went for a walk, cried, hoped I could get it out of my system, saw someone, their body language talking to someone else was the kind that makes my heart skip and I just wanted to smile at her and when I saw who it was it was a huge fuck my life I have a crush on you I want to smile at you even when I have no idea who you are. Every time I saw you my heart raced or sank.I wish I could have met you at a dozen different points in life. I wish I could have known you. I keep wishing I could travel back and more I wish I could the farther back I wish I could go, I wish I could start over and spend 30 years biding my time. I suppose you're someone I fail in every incarnation of reality. I wanted to see a movie with you so bad just a month ago and that moment hurts immensely that one of the simplest things I wanted with you was just to stand in line with you somewhere. I had a lot of moments like that I wish I could share.I've thought of confronting you in public, I don't know if I actually would have too many thoughts that I shouldn't still want to anyways I can't normalize talking to you if I went up and said anything. asked if it was alright to talk and if you said no, fine, if you said yes I have things thought out but I'm not sure how it would go or what purpose it would server or why I should. I can't normalize talking to you and I'm solid on that. I have a lot of privet thoughts on things, a lot of anger at myself. I was afraid it be a confrontation or worse you'd try to hug me or something I'm very particular who I let hug me if you tried to I'd have push you away because I'd never want you to let go, I'm always so torn between asking if it's something the passage or time can heal. I wanted something to be fixable so bad that isn't I couldn't have you defending me to any of your friends I'd just feel disgusted with myself and gross. I can't forgive myself with you. I keep wishing I would have said something sooner to you last year instead of spinning my wheels with other people that I was only trying with because I thought you weren't interested which you probably weren't. I remember you being the only person I wanted to spend my birthday with last summer and then seeing you on it and being to shy to go up and say hi.Too many things about you tugged at me, I creeped your online persona too much and found the things you were passionate about were a lot of the things I was as well. I don't catch feelings easy and when I do it's too much. I just needed someone to be there with me and figure it out along the way.the picture I painted of you in my mind, the pieces I tried to fit together were someone I wanted to fall in love with, I wanted to fall in love with you so much and that's a trembling feeling on it's own. I needed someone with shared interests to be excited about and also learn new things. I was all in with you, I wasn't just for pretend. To not know someone at all and wish so much that under different circumstances you could have or been able to have been at a different state of mind, wishing so much that I would have been calmer and more relaxed, had my own place and unemployed. I don't even have any shared memories of you of things to hold on to. I have no memories to hang on to my heart strings are attached to a void of what ifs. I half feel like I should have stood up for myself and said what it was if it was that important to me, I should have got one of my female friends to say something if it was best being said from a girl and not a guy. I was wildly attracted to you for ages before I even messaged you, I saw a reflection of so many things in life I loved that I forgot in life. your personally didn't seem like that was damaged or needed to be fixed, a glimps into you showed you seemed absolutely silly, your personality seemed so dramatic. All I've been through in life with people I should have known to communicate better, I should have handled things better.I keep trying to let it out as a sigh. I don't even know how to end this or where my thoughts end. I'd feel like I'm completely over things and I'd throw up in public having to hide not to be seen and feel like I guess deep down I'm not. I tried to move and I talked to a professional about it all for hours and weeks every detail but it didn't bring me anything expect being told that she could see it in my eyes that it hurt being rejected by you without anything else being attached to it even though I tried to chuckle though saying of course you did. I spent most of the winter practicing walking through the street with my eyes closed to see how long I could last walking along the sidewalk just in case I ever passed you by. I actually did pass you I wasn't able to and a was all for nothing.I didn't even realize who you were half the time passing you by in the street with sunglasses on, I'd just cross to the other side to be safe just in case, this turned into a thing where if anyone resemble you from a distance I'd avoid them, I"d see someone sitting on a bench and contemplate taking a different route or wonder if I could walk by without caring and be like look at me I don't care and it would just be some Chinese girl sometimes that I was nervous to walk past. I can't figure why you flustered me so much. I'd have to avoid because it always felt like a missed opportunity to say something I can't say to someone I can't talk to that has the means to destroy my life if I did.I have so many anxiety issues in life I want to rewind my life back and it feels imperative to me. Any spot I pass where I had a heart broken thought is a heart broken moment for me, too many things are tainted. That feeling not being able to trust the good things that come my way without expecting something horrible to follow it's soul crushing you have no idea what that feeling is like. I should have been more mindful of you all I could think about was wanting to spend time with someone so I could move past something. I feel like I should have said what it was.I don't know whats the right thing to say. please don't ever blame yourself, I hope that's never a thing ever as well. I mean it. I'm not your responsibility. I'm the only one responsible. If you have some thought where if you could have said something to me I probably would have walked away from if you ever took a step towards me. I wouldn't have allowed it. Be kind to yourself. It feels like I'm never out of words though. I wanted to win the lotto get a lawyer to anonymously give your family a few million and then I'd just disappear somewhere on the other side of the globe. I hate the idea of someone like you feeling like they lost any moment of their life or that they are late. I keep editing this. I keep having moments of passing thoughts. I saw a girl that looked like you on the beach splashing her toes and I wished so hard it was, I was so tempted in that moment wishing it was that it would be a peaceful enough setting that I could ask to just sit with you for a moment. This ended up being way too much that I typed out. I had this at one page. I hope you never stop doing things you love.