Bustopher Jones: It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cat’s coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapes.

Bustopher would have like to have been more sympathetic and comforting to his nephew, as The Bruiser he could not afford to be soft. Besides if an enemy suspected that he an bit of affection for anyone…Bustopher dare not think the evil hold they would have over him.

“Alright, you’ve had some food ‘n’ drink in ya. On your feet. It’s time we left.” After settling the bill with Billina Bustopher turned back to Mistoffelees.

“You walk in a straight line in front of me and go where I tell ya to go and don’t you try any of you hocus-pocus mumbo-jumbo tricks my fine  magician. I know all there is to know about you ,your friends your family human and feline and if you think for one moment that you’ll magic yourself away and cheat me out of my payment you’ve got another thing coming. I’ll take one of your nearest and dearest place ‘em in a anti-magic circle and have the fat old geezer pay they are safe return, got it.” He snarled menacingly. “Now move!”

💉💉 @ask-detective-Bustopher

@ask-detective-bustopher

It wasn't the nicest place. Most definitely not anywhere you would find anyone of any social standing or upstanding morals. But if The Hidden Paw had indeed been involved with the sudden disappearance of a certain little magician, this is where he would turn up.

Mistoffelees had no idea where he was. He could barely focus. Reality seemed to be stuck behind a screen. All he knew for certain was that couldn't move, he had been left completely alone and he wasn't anywhere he recognised. The smells around him weren't familiar. The air was full of rot, decay and a hint of blood. He couldn't hear anything or anyone either.

There were a select few who knew about Bustopher's detective work, his sister of course as they had solved mysteries together when they were kittens and even into adulthood on several occasions, his brother-in-law, and several dog inspectors down in Scotland Yard, and Mistoffelees. As a kitten Misto loved hearing about mysteries his uncle and mother had solved and now as an adult he still loved hearing about his uncle's mysteries, but the one thing Bustopher didn't tell his nephew was about his alter ego The Bruiser. Perhaps Bustopher mused he'd tell him about his undercover work once he got his nephew out of here. "Here," Billina said. "Eat this," She handed him some kibble. "And that will cost you too!" "Why don't you make out a bloody list of expenses, then!" Bustopher shouted annoyed. "I may just do that!" Billina shouted back. "Now, you!" Bustopher said to Mistoffelees. "Eat and drink some more to get yer strength up so we can leave this place. I've got business elsewhere."

💉💉 @ask-detective-Bustopher

@ask-detective-bustopher

It wasn't the nicest place. Most definitely not anywhere you would find anyone of any social standing or upstanding morals. But if The Hidden Paw had indeed been involved with the sudden disappearance of a certain little magician, this is where he would turn up.

Mistoffelees had no idea where he was. He could barely focus. Reality seemed to be stuck behind a screen. All he knew for certain was that couldn't move, he had been left completely alone and he wasn't anywhere he recognised. The smells around him weren't familiar. The air was full of rot, decay and a hint of blood. He couldn't hear anything or anyone either.

Bustopher grumbled in annoyance. He took a small cup of water and held up to Mistoffelees's mouth. "Here, drink," He said forcing the water down Mistoffelees's throat.

"That's going to cost you extra," Billina told him. "I got that water imported! It's the only way I can get clean water in this dump."

"Fine, fine!" Bustopher yelled annoyed. "You'll get your money! Now you!" He said to Mistoffelees. "Wake up! So's I can deliver you to your fat old geezer cat! And I'll charge him extra for my expenses!" Bustopher said hoping Mistoffelees would understand his meaning.

💉💉 @ask-detective-Bustopher

@ask-detective-bustopher

It wasn't the nicest place. Most definitely not anywhere you would find anyone of any social standing or upstanding morals. But if The Hidden Paw had indeed been involved with the sudden disappearance of a certain little magician, this is where he would turn up.

Mistoffelees had no idea where he was. He could barely focus. Reality seemed to be stuck behind a screen. All he knew for certain was that couldn't move, he had been left completely alone and he wasn't anywhere he recognised. The smells around him weren't familiar. The air was full of rot, decay and a hint of blood. He couldn't hear anything or anyone either.

Billina's den was neat, clean, and warm, filled with many old downy quilts, comforters, and pillows. With various little broken nick knacks.

"E's coming around now," She said watching Mistoffelees begin to stir.

"Hoy! Wake up," Bustopher said in his best Bruiser voice. It was late, he was tired and hungry and he wanted to get Mistoffelees back to his human so they could get him the V.E.T who knew what was in the drug Mistoffelees was given or what if any parasites or germs he might have picked up. The last thing anyone need was Mistoffelees giving the whole tribe ring worm or a simple cold could develop into the dangerous caliciviruns. Also from his brief examination he concluded that Mistoffelees was dehydrated and judging by how light he felt when carryng him he hadn't been eating. His head wound most likely need stitches too. Best to leave as soon as possible.

💉💉 @ask-detective-Bustopher

@ask-detective-bustopher

It wasn't the nicest place. Most definitely not anywhere you would find anyone of any social standing or upstanding morals. But if The Hidden Paw had indeed been involved with the sudden disappearance of a certain little magician, this is where he would turn up.

Mistoffelees had no idea where he was. He could barely focus. Reality seemed to be stuck behind a screen. All he knew for certain was that couldn't move, he had been left completely alone and he wasn't anywhere he recognised. The smells around him weren't familiar. The air was full of rot, decay and a hint of blood. He couldn't hear anything or anyone either.

Mistoffelees was laying in a pool of blood was all Bustopher could think and when he and Billina found him. He quickly shook himself back to his senses and hurried over to him, but not too fast.

"Is he dead?" The Blonde queen asked peering over Bustopher's shoulder.

"The damn fool knocked himself out," Bustopher said examining Mistoffelees. "E's been drugged too. I'll have to carrying e'm out," He said as he began to untie him.

"Bring e'm back to my den and I'll fix up that head wound and give e'm something to bring e'm round. The nursing's gonna cost ya extra though," Billina told him.

"Can't very well bring too badly damaged goods back now can I?" Bustopher said as way of agreeing and secretly relived about getting Mistoffelees some medical help.

He threw the smaller tuxedo cat over his shoulder before they began to cautiously make their way back though the ruins.

💉💉 @ask-detective-Bustopher

@ask-detective-bustopher

It wasn't the nicest place. Most definitely not anywhere you would find anyone of any social standing or upstanding morals. But if The Hidden Paw had indeed been involved with the sudden disappearance of a certain little magician, this is where he would turn up.

Mistoffelees had no idea where he was. He could barely focus. Reality seemed to be stuck behind a screen. All he knew for certain was that couldn't move, he had been left completely alone and he wasn't anywhere he recognised. The smells around him weren't familiar. The air was full of rot, decay and a hint of blood. He couldn't hear anything or anyone either.

Old Deuteronomy: Now that I have your attention-

Bustopher Jones: You don't have our attention.

Old Deuteronomy: Curry.

Bustopher Jones: I'm listening.

"They say the ruins are haunted," Billina told him. "A lot of murders happened here years ago before these were ruins."

Bustopher grunted in response.

"It was human, they'd bring the victims here and kill 'em, man woman, human kittens."

"Human kittens!" Bustopher said incredulously.

"What ever human call their kittens," Billina said indifferently.

"Children," Bustopher told her. "They call them children."

"Children then, they were murdered too. There's stories of a woman in white, the gray man, the crying children." The blonde queen said counting off her claws.

"I'm not paying you extra for the penny dreadful's" Bustopher said side stepping a piece of fallen wall.

"What's the matter is The Bruiser afraid of ghosts," She mocked him before hearing a loud bang followed by low moan of pain. Billina jumped her tail puffed up and she grabbed a hold of Bustopher's arm. "W-What was that?" She spoke with fear in her voice.

"The prize," Bustopher said grimly recognizing the sound his nephew's voice.

💉💉 @ask-detective-Bustopher

@ask-detective-bustopher

It wasn't the nicest place. Most definitely not anywhere you would find anyone of any social standing or upstanding morals. But if The Hidden Paw had indeed been involved with the sudden disappearance of a certain little magician, this is where he would turn up.

Mistoffelees had no idea where he was. He could barely focus. Reality seemed to be stuck behind a screen. All he knew for certain was that couldn't move, he had been left completely alone and he wasn't anywhere he recognised. The smells around him weren't familiar. The air was full of rot, decay and a hint of blood. He couldn't hear anything or anyone either.

Billina and Bustopher walked in silence, much the blonde queen's annoyance.

"What's the big deal about this Mistoffelees cat?" She asked him adjusting her boa over her shoulders.

Bustopher swallowed the pride he felt about his nephew forcing himself not to brag about him. Instead he shrugged his shoulders.

"Dunno eh's just a popular fellow," He replied gruffly.

"He must be if someone's willing to take him and pay for him. I hope his more talkative then you are."

"I wouldn't know."

The closer they can to ruins the more deserted and grimy the streets became.

"You know the ruins are real nice romantic private place in the moonlight," Billina said posing against a half fallen wall.

"Heh, real romantic," Bustopher said pointing to a half eaten half rotted rat corpse with a pile of old droppings next to it.

"Well," Billina said trying to sound flustered. "I taken you to the ruins and since you have obviously no more use for me I'll take my payment now.

"You'll get it after I come back with my prize."

"What?" Billina asked outraged. "That's not fair! With all those traps you could be killed and I'll be out of a payment!

"Well then better, hope I don't get killed," Bustopher said stepping into the ruins.

"Then I'm coming with you!," Billina said running after him.

💉💉 @ask-detective-Bustopher

@ask-detective-bustopher

It wasn't the nicest place. Most definitely not anywhere you would find anyone of any social standing or upstanding morals. But if The Hidden Paw had indeed been involved with the sudden disappearance of a certain little magician, this is where he would turn up.

Mistoffelees had no idea where he was. He could barely focus. Reality seemed to be stuck behind a screen. All he knew for certain was that couldn't move, he had been left completely alone and he wasn't anywhere he recognised. The smells around him weren't familiar. The air was full of rot, decay and a hint of blood. He couldn't hear anything or anyone either.

Bustopher Jones: You know, I used to think there was no one in the world good enough for Mistoffelees.

Rum Tum Tugger: (smiles)

Bustopher Jones: And I still think that.

Rum Tum Tugger: Right.

Bustopher scowled he had a feeling the henchcats the were Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer probably moved Mistoffelees from here to double cross him and save their hides from Macavity. "I see," Bustopher said letting the bartender have the coin. "But be warned if this is a double cross..." "It ain't! It ain't!" The bartender hastily said. "Hey, Big Boy," The blonde queen said sliding up to him. "You'll need a guide to get the ruins." Bustopher snorted in response. "The name's Billina," She said. "Name for a chicken," Bustopher grumbled. "I can lead to the ruins and guide you through them, for a price that is." Having a guide would make things easier, but could he trust her? He'd have to if it meant saving his nephew. "Fine," Bustopher said getting up. "But if you have a gang waiting to rob me, their wot be the only heads I'll bust!" "Wouldn't dream of it, Big Boy, now about my price?" "After the job's finished," He told her. "But," Billina began to protest. "Me Old Moggy always said 'Don't pay the ferryman, don't even fix a price, till he gets you the other side." "Alright," Billina agreed. "Let's go.

💉💉 @ask-detective-Bustopher

@ask-detective-bustopher

It wasn't the nicest place. Most definitely not anywhere you would find anyone of any social standing or upstanding morals. But if The Hidden Paw had indeed been involved with the sudden disappearance of a certain little magician, this is where he would turn up.

Mistoffelees had no idea where he was. He could barely focus. Reality seemed to be stuck behind a screen. All he knew for certain was that couldn't move, he had been left completely alone and he wasn't anywhere he recognised. The smells around him weren't familiar. The air was full of rot, decay and a hint of blood. He couldn't hear anything or anyone either.

Bustopher placed a coin on the counter, it a wroth a whole roasted chicken in the animal world. The bartender went to snatch it up, but Bustopher was too quick for him and placed his paw over the coin.

"He's small, black from the ears to the tip of his tail, a Jellicle cat. One of his names is Mr. Mistoffelees. I've been unofficially employed you must say to bring him to someone. Now I's can be a fairs cat when I's wants to be. So I'lls make a deal with you. You tell me where he is and I gives you this coin, now you don't tell me what I wants to know and I'lls get real mean and tear this place apart looking for 'em," Bustopher finished banging on a bar stool next to him with his fist causing to collapse.

The bartender was unimpressed not having heard of The Bruiser.

"Year well I got mean customers too, regular ones too," He smirked thinking his regulars would intimidate the big cat before him.

"Not like me," Bustopher said before braking into song. Followed other cats who know of The Bruiser and didn't want to get on his bad side.

I'm mean, I'm mean, I'm mean You know what I mean I'm mean, I'm mean, I'm mean You know what I mean He's mean, he's mean You know what I say He says he's mean You know what I mean He's mean, he's mean Mean He's mean, he's mean You know what I mean He's mean, he's mean I say what I mean That's true, that's true I mean what I say He do, he do I'm so mean I had a dream of beating myself up I broke my nose, I broke my hand, I wrestled myself to the ground and then I choked myself to death, then broke the choke and woke up That's how mean, I'm mean, I'm mean You know what I mean He's mean, he's mean I practically lost The fight of his life And it took me all night All night, all night But I came out all right All right, all right Because I'm so mean I'm mean He's mean, he's mean You know what I mean He's mean, he's mean I mean that I'm mean He's mean, he's mean I mean what I say He's mean, he's mean You know what I mean He's mean, he's mean I'm meaner than spit That's it, that's it I'm meaner than... That's it, that's it I'm meaner than mean He's mean, he's mean

I'm mean He's mean, he's mean You know what I mean He's mean, he's mean If you know what I mean He says he's mean If you know what I mean He's mean, he's mean He's mean, he's mean He's mean, he's mean He's mean, he's mean He's mean, he's mean He says that he's mean He's mean, he's mean He's mean, he's mean He's mean, he's mean He's mean, he's mean He's mean, he's mean He's mean, he's mean

💉💉 @ask-detective-Bustopher

@ask-detective-bustopher

It wasn't the nicest place. Most definitely not anywhere you would find anyone of any social standing or upstanding morals. But if The Hidden Paw had indeed been involved with the sudden disappearance of a certain little magician, this is where he would turn up.

Mistoffelees had no idea where he was. He could barely focus. Reality seemed to be stuck behind a screen. All he knew for certain was that couldn't move, he had been left completely alone and he wasn't anywhere he recognised. The smells around him weren't familiar. The air was full of rot, decay and a hint of blood. He couldn't hear anything or anyone either.

The district where the pub that held Mistoffelees was located in a place commonly known as No Man's Land to the animal world, what humans called it Bustopher didn't know and didn't care to know.

The lowest of the low and poorest of poor lived there. Bustopher felt pity knowing this place had been where Grizabella spent the last years of her life there.

As he walked down the street his face and steps menacing, cats scramble to get about of his way. He was not one to be messed with.

The Pub was rundown looking place with a half the customers looking tough and the others looking rundown. As he walked in he heard frighten whispers of "It's The Bruiser!" Good his reputation had made it's way down here.

"Well, hello, big boy," Said a blonde calico queen wearing a red boa walking over to him and taking his arm. "Looking for a little fun?"

"No!" He growled shaken her off him and walking away from her rudely.

"Maybe, you'd rather have with me?" Asked a a long haired orange tom running his paw down his arm.

"No!" Bustopher growled again shaking his off as well and stalking over the bar.

"What it'll be? The bartender a one eyed, one ear gray tom asked.

"Information," Busteropher said in deep cockney accent. "Where is he?"

💉💉 @ask-detective-Bustopher

@ask-detective-bustopher

It wasn't the nicest place. Most definitely not anywhere you would find anyone of any social standing or upstanding morals. But if The Hidden Paw had indeed been involved with the sudden disappearance of a certain little magician, this is where he would turn up.

Mistoffelees had no idea where he was. He could barely focus. Reality seemed to be stuck behind a screen. All he knew for certain was that couldn't move, he had been left completely alone and he wasn't anywhere he recognised. The smells around him weren't familiar. The air was full of rot, decay and a hint of blood. He couldn't hear anything or anyone either.

Bustopher Jones carefully put on his disguise ,he could not have any slips up not that there ever were. But on this occasion he had to make doubly certain that no one would suspect that The Bruiser was in reality Bustopher Jones!

Mistoffelees's disappearance had been quite alarming, while it was true his nephew needed time away and time alone from everyone once and while he always told someone, but when he had disappeared with out a word Bustopher knew something wasn't right especially when the missing pet posters for him started turning up. Mistoffelees was not a cat who let his family human or feline worry about him needlessly. That was when Bustopher took charge he had let it be known that was offering a large reward for the return or information leading to his return of his nephew. Then as The Bruiser he went to all the under world places that as Bustopher Jones he have stuck out like a puffed up tail. It was an open secret among the criminal world that The Hidden Paw had captive that fit the description of Mistoffelees, but no one dared to betray the Hidden Paw even for the reward. He knew he would have to track down Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer they may not know where Mistoffelees was being kept, but they could give him locations where Macavity kept his prisoners. He disliked having to threaten and strong arm his fellow Jellicles, but for Mistoffelees and appearance sake he had to. After telling them that he wanted the reward and threatening to tell that tribe that they're involved in the catnapping the pair readily give him a list and after searching he finally found where Mistoffelees was being kept. "Don't worry lad, I'm coming."

💉💉 @ask-detective-Bustopher

@ask-detective-bustopher

It wasn't the nicest place. Most definitely not anywhere you would find anyone of any social standing or upstanding morals. But if The Hidden Paw had indeed been involved with the sudden disappearance of a certain little magician, this is where he would turn up.

Mistoffelees had no idea where he was. He could barely focus. Reality seemed to be stuck behind a screen. All he knew for certain was that couldn't move, he had been left completely alone and he wasn't anywhere he recognised. The smells around him weren't familiar. The air was full of rot, decay and a hint of blood. He couldn't hear anything or anyone either.

‘The Dover Boys’ Starters

The world needed this. Also feel free to change names, pronouns, and add in your own words where the blanks are!

“A ____? I’ll STEAL IT! NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW!”

“Confound those ______!”

“Good old PU.”

“A gay outing at the park has been planned by the merry trio.”

“Yoohoo! Yoohoo! Yoohoo!”

“Forced to pass a certain public house, a tavern of unsavory repute, our young friends meet the distressing situation with their usual uncompromising, moral fortitude.”

“Coward, bully, cad, and thief!”

“Hark, the _______. Drat them.”

“Double drat them!”

“How I love her…father’s money.”

“They drive me to drink!”

“But let us draw the curtain on this sordid scene and turn to more pleasant surroundings.”

“No, up here! Up here!”

“Help, help! Save me!”

“Oh, how I hate them! I hate ______! I hate ________! And I hate _______!”

“Will no one come to her assistance?”

“It looks like an alert young ______. And that’s just what it is.”

“Sirs/Madams, quote, HELP!, unquote. Signed, ______.”

“P.U., P.U., we’re all for you, yeah, boom!”

“Oh, you haven’t been thrashed enough yet, eh?”

“And now it is time to say goodbye.”

Baroness The Bloodhound: I've seen you handle a good many cases in my time, but I don't know that I ever knew a more workmanlike one than this.

[Bustopher beams with pride]

Baroness The Bloodhound: We're not jealous of you, you know, at Scotland Yard. No, sir, we're proud of you.

[Bustopher seems startled by this revelation]

Baroness The Bloodhound: And if you come down tomorrow, there's not a dog from the oldest inspector to the youngest constable... who wouldn't be glad to shake you by the paw.

Bustopher Jones: Thank you!

[Then quietly and softly with uncharacteristic humility]

Bustopher Jones: Thank you.

I came up with a new Detective Bustopher character, Baroness the Bloodhound of Scotland Yard. She’s an ally of Bustopher’s and a competent detective in her own right, she also a search and rescue dog. She’s the head of the police dogs and is well respected among animals and people.