Hail, frostland-dweller! It is fortunate to see one knowledgeable in the old ways during this dark time, where everyone is so eager to push their doctrine into our heads and their arses on our thrones. I am no worshipper, however, merely a curious scholar. Tell me - what is there to know of the old Atmoran gods and ways that Nords of today have abandoned?

There is much to know, tome-finder. Much to know. Aye, that there is... Nords today have been taken over by fancy tales of the Divines from South. They have become obsessed with the talk of great lord Akatosh, they forgot their identity. Damn Alessians. If that cheese-brained Order didn’t spin knives of lies into our great culture, I wouldn’t be complaining about this now. The worst part is the fact the southerners grabbed OUR Gods, too! Didn’t even try to change some of them. Dibella, Mara... Worst of all the blatantly stolen Gods is Kynareth. Aye, in the true ways, we know her as Kyne the Warrior Wife, the Totem of the Hawk. It is sad days for Skyrim and her people. It is said that in the First Age, High King Borgas sold out Skyrim to the Alessian Order that controlled the First Empire. He banned our true Gods, and adopted the Southern import. Long has it been called the “Shadow of King Borgas”. I fear, however, it was not a shadow, but a wound. A wound bandaged by Ysmir Wulfharth 200 years thereafter, but alas, bandages do not last forever. Skyrim, my home, is forever changed. They sing praises to Akatosh, who is really just Alduin and Auri-El in a shoddy mixing bowl. They took what was rightfully ours. Sure, Tiber Septim may have been the Emperor, but aye, he was raised in Falkreath. He was the Dragon of the North. It was his northern brothers-in-arms that first gave him his name. “Stormcrown”. “Talos”, in Ehlnofex. Talos is our rightful divinity. TALOS AE YSMIR! And the only ones who would stand up for it, that damned Ulfric, is wrong in his act of how to get there. I should have guessed. Hope is useless, these days.There are many ways of Atmora the Elder Wood that we have long abandoned, I regret. My heart is much heavier with regret, however, for those that have been lost to the tides of Time. The foul princedom of the Dragon. Many were made before Ysgramor’s invention of our elder runes, you understand. I cannot follow the ways that have been obliterated from all Memory. Heh. Like Ald the Eater came early. In my prayers, though, I have seen a Dragon - bold and mighty. With tusks shining, too. Many foolish scholars name Alduin, “Firstborn of Akatosh”. I believe in what prissy Elf-talk in his stew of lies, remains a glimmer of Atmoran truth. Alduin must be the mystic Firstborn of something.  Sister Hawk, grant us your sacred breath to make this contract heard! Begone, World-Eater! By words with older bones than your own we break your perch on this age and send you out! said he, Felldir of the Old, in the Merethic. What bone could be elder than the great Dragon of End-Time himself? I’m not sure, but I believe this to be the long-lost tusked one. The one I see in my dreams and prayer. Maybe I’m just getting old. Orkey’s Toenails, I must sound like a madman. Is my name Bjorgar, or Pelagius? Ah, well. As they say. There’s no better way of spending time in Skyrim than sitting and telling a good story. I might consider being a Skald, one day. Ah, but I’ve rambled far too long. If you must pry, get me another round of mead.

Why is it that all Khajiit are thieves? Why do they come to the lands of Noble men with their drugs and stolen goods, expecting to be let in to the great cities? Do they not see, that they are not welcome?

Of this I cannot ascertain, kinsman! Don’t worry, though. Should you see a Gods-damned cat roaming the city, a good strike of the hammer should put their talk of wares and weapons right to rest. Any good guard won’t mind you taking care of a roadside pest. Unless you’re in a city ran by the prissy Elves, like Markarth. The guards will come alarmed, but just come equipped with a pretty penny, if you understand. The law-makers of Markarth are as susceptible to coin as a law-breaker. Justice hardly defeats greed.

“Gaiandryl”? How do I deal with the cold? Why, only someone so dim, so uneducated, would ask such an inquiry... Oh no. Oh Gods, no! You’re a DIRTY ELF! Get off of my Inter-web, you schmuck! By order of oath, by order of all that is holy under Shor and Ysgramor, by order of honor of all Ysmir’s forms, Dragon of the North, I SHALL DESTROY YOU!

So how's Skyrim this time of year?

Oh, anonymous one, it is absolutely awful. You have the Imperial milk-drinkers pouring in from the South, trying to change what works with our southern exports, the Divines. What’s worse, they’ve brought the Elves. Ugly banana [EXPLETIVE REMOVED BY DECREE OF DREAMSLEEVE ETIQUETTE] is all they are. Talking how we’re all lesser, and they’re ooooh so high in their prissy tights and magic spells. Well, I’ll tell you what’s what, passing fellow. The Old Mary Dominion, “Aldmeri” they name themselves, have no business being on this land or trampling on the Gods. The Stormcloaks aren’t that much better, too. Bunch of slackers and farmers-turned-soldiers fighting to take an Imperial God from the Imperials. Mammoth  dung, I say. Orkey can take ‘em all to Sovngarde. I worship the True Gods, the Totems of yore. Never forget Ysgramor, lest Shor the Fox deem ye unworthy when at the Hall of Valor. 

Hello?

Am I doing this right? Did the damned Elf tell me about his interwebby magickas without lying? Wow. I’m impressed. Usually the roach lies and lies. Shor’s Bones, I thought I was in for a kick. Said something about a... What was it? Dreaming sleeve? Mindful bucket? Eh. All peppy Elf-talk in my book. Now... Get your questions in, milk-drinkers. I’ve not got all morning. ---- Ask A Zealous Nord follows the wonderful tale of a really-kind-of-a-dick Nord named Bjorgar Flame-Beard. He is willing to take questions, basically of any kind. No rules, not for now, at least. I look forward to building this roleplay with all of you. As for me - my name is Rose, and I consider myself to be particularly lore-savvy, in esoteric and mundane. I have been playing since Daggerfall and such. So you get to watch amazing lore details from the point of view of a not-so amazing person! Fun.