I'm on Christmas break, things have been going well but I just got a message from a girl that I am absolutely head over heels for her. I'm truly feeling some hard feels for her and she just sent me a picture of her cutting herself. I feel so weak on the inside knowing that she's hurting herself because that's the only way she feels that she can take control of her life.

I feel so much sadness for her, I just want this girl to feel happy on the inside, even if I can't necessarily be the one that brings her the happiness I still want her to feel something more than just pain and anguish. I've been through some of the pain she's gone through and I know how hard it is to feel something other than just existential dread and pain. All I can say is my heart goes out to this girl and I hope she knows that people love her a lot.

I have been in quite a dilemma as of recently, I am being pushed and pulled into many different objectives that are beginning to make me feel confusion instead of eagerness or excitement. I am going to job corps and I'm excited for the opportunity, but I feel that it's happening all so fast that I can't catch a momentary lapse in my already fleeting time to have proper goodbyes, make amends with those I know I have wronged and be able to close this chapter of my life.

While I'm trying to figure out how to get all this wrapping up if you will emotionally with those I love and care about, I'm also packing on 2 days notice, trying to figure out where I stand with my absent father and not totally breakdown into tears at the sight of the last year I have lived get packed away to be not seen for a long while.

I know what's to come will be very beneficial to my mental health and overall success in life. It's just that I'm at such a loss for words for how to begin trying to cram in all these emotions into a few hours of conversations with people I'm gonna miss more than the world and back. Even though I won't be out of state or anything crazy like that, I didn't for see the deployment time being so soon.

The packing itself was a little depressing at first but once I remembered where I'm going and what I'm doing I felt less sad to leave my aunt and uncle's home. I started to think about the liberating feelings of Independence I'll have being away from family. But that started to turn into its own challenge to cope with which is where I'm at right this second. I'm gonna miss the company of my cousin coming home and slamming the door only to open my door and tell me about what just happened to him, in gonna miss the time I spend with my sister going out to grab lunch and "catch up."

I'll miss my aunt and uncle too, which I never thought I'd ever be able to say with so much certainty on the forefront of my mind. Since my dad left me with no place to go and just with the grace of God himself and the absolute love in my aunt and uncle's hearts they let my sister and I in. I began to see how much my dad really cared about my siblings and I once I got to see how my aunt and uncle were with my cousins. They treat them with the upmost respect/dignity but also showered them with love and prayers. Something my dad never showed me when I lived with him, he treated me like his buddy not his son. He yelled at me with only a bitter rage that comes from the heart of a truly hurting person. That's why I struggle with where I stand with the man. But I can come back around to that later.

As time went on I stopped looking at my uncle as just an uncle but more as a fatherly figure who only truly wanted to see the best thing for me. I felt a lot more confidence in myself because of the way my uncle approached me and helped give me meaningful advice on how to approach life. A whole year later and I feel much more loved and appreciated for than I did for the last 2 years out of the near 5 I lived with my dad.

I'm leaving a place that has really helped me work out some tough decisions, let go of some darker demons that have been made and become a much more loved individual. I want my goodbye from this valley to be a beautiful send off, a time to be looked back at with nothing more than appreciation for good to come from it.

But too jump back a bit and give some context about my father. He's not the brightest man, he's got some serious narcissistic behaviors that have spanned the better half of his lifetime from what I've heard. He abandoned my eldest sibling at her darkest hour in her childhood, never spent time with my other older sister or I because it wasn't convenient for him most of the time. Eventually to cut things short, some horrific things happen with me at the age of 15 and he jumps back into my life like nothing happened and takes me under his wing finally. I lived with him for nearly 5 years and experienced some great times but otherwise some terrible verbal abuse which isn't good for a PTSD ridden teen. I get kicked out because he can't afford the house anymore and gives me very little time to leave home, then doesn't talk to me for a year just about like there is anything to say about what he did. (Which there is). But that's for another time.

Hello there, I have been a casual user of Tumblr for some time now and finally decided I want to have an extension upon my pen and paper journal. I want to have a space to post my pictures and keep track of whatever I may say on here. I've been running a continuous series of journals for 5 years now roughly. I have used other social medias and still do use a few, I won't give myself away but I used to run a spam on Instagram and still do as well as a pretty common Facebook / twitter. So, I'm obviously not a noob to using social media, I'm just new to online journals in this form.

If you're unaware of how the spam community works on Instagram, they tend to lock their accounts, only allow random people who have anon spams to follow them and post lots of random memes, hoe pics, photography, selfies, videos, drawings, album appreciation posts, etc. They don't entirely follow a traditional journal entry style, they tend to just post without putting much thought into their words like you would when you actually want to try to express some deep personal feelings. I have had my fun with running a spam and shitposting like any other edgy male teen would. I'm barely on the heels of being in a 21 year old body, I am beginning to realize that the shitposting days are behind me and I could really use anonymity to express some feelings that I wish to share with others.

I can give you some background to who I am, I'm 21 (as I said above), I live in the PNW, I'm a music geek, I have a unexplainable love for Minecraft that has been going strong for 8+ years now, I own some records, I'm diagnosed with ADHD and PTSD. I do take my mental health fairly seriously, I come from a background with lots of raging alcoholics and hardcore drug addicts who thankfully cleaned up with knowing all this I don't want to slip into the darkness of addictions/abuse.

I'll be sure to post whenever I feel that I got something to share whether it is a song, picture, possibly a few pictures outside of just my surroundings (meaning pictures of me), art I enjoy/art I create, poetry I enjoy/attempts at poetry if I feel confident.

Well anyway,

Thank you for starting this journey with me.

-N 11/10/19