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Ben iki yeşil severim
Çimenlerin yeşilini bir de gözlerinin yeşilini
Çimenlerin yeşilini neden severim ki ?
İçimi ferahlatır, taptaze hissederim
Gozlerinin yesilini neden severim ki?
Koca bir orman gibi icinde kaybolurum
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Keşke sana çok kötü bir şey yapmış olsaydım da bu kadar canımı yaktığına değseydi. Kalbimi o kadar çok, o kadar kötü bir şekilde kırdın ki… Sana verdiğim her fırsatta göğsümün tam ortasından bıçakladın, sana her yaklaştığımda beni ittin, senden her uzaklaştığımda korkup bulanıklığına ve korkunç belirsizliğine beni geri çektin. Senden o kadar nefret ediyorum ki artık. Beni defalarca yarı yolda bıraktın. Canım o kadar yanıyor ki çığlık çığlığa bağırmak, yardım istemek geliyor içimden ne kadar çaresiz olduğumu bilsem de. Bunun zamandan, Allaha sığınmaktan başka çaresi yok ki. Kendime de öfkeliyim. Seni içimde iyi yapıcam diye kendimi mahvettim. Sana hak vermek için kendimi ağır bir haksızlığa uğrattım. Kalbimi bin parçaya böldün sen zahmet etme diye kendim topladım. Hep bir yolunu buldum seni temize çıkarmanın kendimi pisliğe buladım. Ben kan ter içinde kaldım senin omzuna yük olmasın diye. Seni sevmek için verdiğim her şansta kendime olan sevgimden onlarca adım uzaklaştım.
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Bir amaç, bir hedef peşinde koşmayınca sanki hayatım koca bir boşlukmuşta sadece o boşluğu doldurmak için yapıyormuşum her ne yapıyorsam. Eğlenmek, gülmek,hobiler… Hepsi saatleri geçirmek, takvimleri devirmek için birer kaçış yoluymuş gibi gelmeye başlıyor. İnsanlarla vakit geçirmek bile bir külfet oluyor aslında çok sevmeme rağmen. Sürekli hareket halinde değilsem varlığımın değerini sorgulamaya başlıyorum. Bir kulp bulmaya çalışıyorum tüm bu sorgulamaya cevaben. Çoğu zaman da başarılı oluyorum aslında fakat ne kadar aklıma yatsa da bu cevaplar, bir şeyler içimi kemiriyor, beynim ikna olsa da ruhum ikna olmuyor ve ardı arkası kesilmiyor bu sorgulamanın. Bazen öyle, ait olduğum bir yerden bu dünyaya fırlatılmışım da hiçliğin ortasına terk edilmiş gibi, gidecek bir yerim yokmuş, evim hayatta olduğum sürece ulaşamayacağım bir mesafedeymiş gibi tek başına hissediyorum.
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Çok daha önceden keşfetmek isterdim seni,kimseler bulmadan. Şimdi tutunup girsem de hayatının bir köşesinden, geçmişinin gölgesiyle yaşamaktan korkuyorum. O gölgelerden kalan acılarını, mutluluklarını ve o zamanına ait her şeyi silmek için çabalamak zorunda kalacağımın farkındayım. Farkındayım onların görünmemesi için, yeterince dibe gömebilmek için tonlarca anı sığdırmaya çalışacağım hayatımda olduğun ve olacağın o küçücük zaman dilimine. Benim de korkularım bunlar bak. Hem de seninkinden çok daha ağır. Gururumu zaten saymıyorum, o artık bir engel bile olamayacak kadar küçüldü. Yine de tüm bunlara rağmen yüzsüzce sana gelmek istiyorum, sana haykırmak, senin olmak… Yaşama ihtimalim olan onca kedere rağmen.
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Allah sevdiği ruhları daha çok sınarmış... Bu söze güveniyor ve yaşadığım tüm bunları yeniden doğan benliğimin sancıları olarak görüyorum. Tüm bunlar elbet bir gün bitecek ama ben aynı yolda, aynı yönde olmayacağım tümüyle değişmiş ve derinleşmiş olacağım.
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Eylül1
O hissederken göğüs kafesimin tam ortasında derin bir çukur açan duyguları gerçekten hissetmeyi bıraktım mı yoksa o çukura gömüp üstünü mü kapattım bilmiyorum. Zaman değişiyor, kişiler değişiyor ama o his hep aynı sanki. Farklı zannediyorum her seferinde, farklı anlamlar yüklemeye çalışıyorum, farklı hikayelerde buluyorum kendimi. Peki neden sonunda aynı acı, aynı hayal kırıklığı içinde kalıyorum? Kendimi korumak için tüm dünyayla arama ördüğüm duvarların ardına hapsettim şimdi kendimi. Ulaşılma arzusuyla içim yanıp tutuşurken. O duvarlar öyle kalın örülmüş ki ne ben sesimi duyurabiliyorum ne de arkasındakileri duyabilirim...
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WEBSITES FOR WRITERS {masterpost}
E.A. Deverell - FREE worksheets (characters, world building, narrator, etc.) and paid courses;
Hiveword - Helps to research any topic to write about (has other resources, too);
BetaBooks - Share your draft with your beta reader (can be more than one), and see where they stopped reading, their comments, etc.;
Charlotte Dillon - Research links;
Writing realistic injuries - The title is pretty self-explanatory: while writing about an injury, take a look at this useful website;
One Stop for Writers - You guys... this website has literally everything we need: a) Description thesaurus collection, b) Character builder, c) Story maps, d) Scene maps & timelines, e) World building surveys, f) Worksheets, f) Tutorials, and much more! Although it has a paid plan ($90/year | $50/6 months | $9/month), you can still get a 2-week FREE trial;
One Stop for Writers Roadmap - It has many tips for you, divided into three different topics: a) How to plan a story, b) How to write a story, c) How to revise a story. The best thing about this? It's FREE!
Story Structure Database - The Story Structure Database is an archive of books and movies, recording all their major plot points;
National Centre for Writing - FREE worksheets and writing courses. Has also paid courses;
Penguin Random House - Has some writing contests and great opportunities;
Crime Reads - Get inspired before writing a crime scene;
The Creative Academy for Writers - "Writers helping writers along every step of the path to publication." It's FREE and has ZOOM writing rooms;
Reedsy - "A trusted place to learn how to successfully publish your book" It has many tips, and tools (generators), contests, prompts lists, etc. FREE;
QueryTracker - Find agents for your books (personally, I've never used this before, but I thought I should feature it here);
Pacemaker - Track your goals (example: Write 50K words - then, everytime you write, you track the number of the words, and it will make a graphic for you with your progress). It's FREE but has a paid plan;
Save the Cat! - The blog of the most known storytelling method. You can find posts, sheets, a software (student discount - 70%), and other things;
I hope this is helpful for you!
(Also, check my gumroad store if you want to!)
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I desire rebirth alongside you. Begin life anew with you, enjoy every moment with you, and pass away with you once for all... I want to be everything to you. I want to be there for you at all times, through every joy, every sorrow, every fit of rage, every moment of calm, every tear, every time you fall and get back up. I wish to stand by you always. I want to get to know you and you get to know me, too. When everyone is against you, I want to stand by you. When others push you, I want to hold you. When others turn their backs on you, I want to look into your eyes. I want to share even your worst sins with you.I want to engulf your body, soul, mind, and heart and become one with each of these. I want my fingertips on every corner of your life.
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Explaining how tarot readings work using colors, shades, tints and tones
See energies the way you see colors. At least this is how I make sense of it. Imagine this, everyone has a specific color that belongs to them. Each color has a slightly different shade, tint, and tone. Colors (left) & tints, tones and shades of the blue color (right).
Let's say my color is blue and your color is blue; they are within the same color 'family' (i.e. blue, cool colors). This may allude to some similarities between us as people; maybe you like the same thing that I do or maybe you think about a particular topic the same way I do or maybe the way we respond to life is quite similar. Hence the same color.
However, because we are two different people and no one individual is completely the same as another person; mine might be French Blue, and yours might be Midnight Blue. When we classify the color blue like this, the difference (french vs midnight) is more obvious, highlighting our individual differences as people. The more we got to know each person, the clearer we could see the tint, tone or shade of their colors (i.e their individuality) so to speak.
In a PAC, each pile represents a specific color
With different tints, tones and/or shades. Let's say in a PAC from Reader X, we have four piles representing four different colors; Blue, Purple, Green, Orange. Example:
You might find pieces of yourself in the message of the Blue Pile since your color is Blue. But the reading probably wouldn't be that resonating, because the Blue Pile's tint, shade and/or tone is Turquoise. Look at the color scale, Turquoise is closer to Green than it is to Purple. Your Midnight Blue is closer to Purple than it is to Green.
In this case, I wouldn't be surprised if you were also attracted to the Purple Pile; since your Midnight Blue is closer to the Purple Pile than it is to the Blue Pile. OR neither Blue Pile and Purple Pile could describe your energy well; because their tints, shades and tones although have some similarities to your Midnight Blue, they still look very different don't they?
It's like that. If the color of the person you are asking about is Green and your color is Blue; and both of the colors are present in a PAC, then you can definitely find a pile to represent you and your person respectively in the same PAC; how accurate the representation is depends on how close the shade, tint and/or tone of the Pile Color is to yours (look at the black lines).
CONCLUSION
After you asked a question to tarot, imagine the Universe (or whatever you believe in) gave you a HTML color code of the answer. Each person/answer has their own color code. Now what you need to do is look at the PAC in front of you and use your intuition to see which pile contains a color that is the closest to the color code in your hand; is it Pile 1, Pile 2, Pile 3, Pile 4?
Some PACs don't have a color that can represent the color code in your hand, so you may not feel attracted to any pile. Some PACs have the color but the shade, tone, tint are a bit too far off from your color code (picture below); so the closest pile to represent your color code may contain some messages for you but may not resonate that well. Some readers can communicate your color code clearly, some readers can't. Some call it "blue", some call it "sky blue". That could be why some readings resonate more, some resonate less.
Basically, there needs to be a close match between the color code of the answer to your question and the color code in a PAC you are reading/watching; the more similar the color, shade, tone, tint-- the more accurate the pile will be for you. For personal readings, the tarot reader themselves is the person who needs to make the reading match the color code in your hand-- as close as possible-- and communicate it in the way you see the color. Below are some comics to help you understand (because I'm feeling extra):
PAC READINGS:
PERSONAL READINGS:
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Different Ways to Develop Your Intuition
1. Meditate.
Messages from your intuition tend to be quiet, so spending time in silence will help you hear and interpret these messages.
2. Start noticing all that you can with your five conventional senses.
Doing so can raise your sensitivity to your sixth sense.
3. Pay attention to your dreams.
When the cognitive mind is busy, it can override the intuitive right brain and the subconscious mind, the wellspring of intuition. But when you’re sleeping, your cognitive mind rests and opens space for the subconscious mind to signal you in dreams.
4. Get creative.
Engaging in creative activities, such as drawing, scrapbooking, or free-flow journaling, quiets the cognitive mind and allows your intuition to speak up.
5. Divination.
Learn to use a tarot deck, or try a deck of oracle cards, and interpret the card’s messages for yourself before you consult a guidebook.
6. Test your hunches.
Got a feeling which horse will win at the track? Getting a sense that it will rain tomorrow even though the weather forecast says it won’t? Do you just know your best friend’s new guy is bad news? If you have feelings about what might happen in the future, write down your hunches, then check them later. See how often you were right.
7. Consult your body compass.
Your intuition speaks to you through your body, and the more you cultivate somatic awareness, the more sensitive you become. If you get an uncomfortable physical feeling when you’re trying to make a decision, pay attention. Do you feel light or heavy? Got a sick feeling in your gut? Saddled with a headache or diarrhea? It could just be the result of stress responses activated by false fear, but it could also be your intuition ringing loud and clear.
8. Escape from your daily routine.
Get away. Slow down. Go on a retreat, take a sabbatical, or just spend a day in new surroundings with nothing planned. When you’re overly busy, it’s hard to be sensitive to the quiet voices of intuition. Try clearing your schedule and see if your intuition pipes up.
9. Spend time in nature.
Being in the natural world, away from technology and the cognitive mind’s other temptations, can open up the kind of intuition we needed when we as a species lived outdoors and relied upon it to keep us safe from the elements, predators, and other true fear dangers.
Keep reading
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