artemis-the-chance
Artemis Taylor Orlok
Call me Artemis, or chance.
I have started writing fanfiction on Ao3, and I'm currently writing a book too. If you have any questions feel free to message me.
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This blog is vanishing
While it will still technically be active. I will not be on here often. Check out my new blog over at @chance-the-second.
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Is it too much to ask, to be happy.
Is it too much to ask to not want to kill myself several times a week just because i love someone who has no interest in letting me help them, when very clearly they need someone's help. Is it too much to ask to love, and be loved, beyond platonically. Is it too much to ask, to be appreciated for the kind things i do, to be forgiven for the stupid choices i make, to want to be happy again.
Is it too much to ask to stop suffering everyday because this big need that is integral to my being is going unsatisfied. I'm tired of this. Unrequited love, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts and tendencies. Is it too much, to want love, and to be loved. Because i feel like no matter what i do, or how much i try, it always feels like I'll never know love again, like I'll never be truly happy.
Is it too much to ask, to not have an anxiety attack, or a mental breakdown every week. Is it too much to ask to not want to kill myself for feeling this way. Is it too much that i even have to write this stuff out, all because I'm tired of feeling this way, is it too much.
I'm tired of being suicidal, and depressed and anxious. Im tired of feeling utterly alone in a room full of people who love and appreciate me. Im tired of not being able to be myself, because any shred of who i used to be before was absolutely destroyed. Im tired, of being tired, of all of this. I want to feel loved again. I want to feel appreciated again. I want to feel like i make someone happy, and like i make a difference in their lives.
I don't want to feel alone anymore. i don't want to BE alone anymore.
I saw your face today, and i was pulled along by the person who i thought had changed, the person i thought would let me help them. It makes me wonder, if i had stopped and said hi.. How would you react. Would you still hate me? Would you even recognise me.
Would you forgive me...
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Why am i..
Why am i in love if i knew that I'd be hurting.
Why am i in love if i knew you couldn't return my feelings
Why am i in love if i couldn't feel at all.
I am in love not because you saved me, but because i felt the light in your touch when you saved me. I am in love not because you helped me, but because i saw everything i ever wanted, in you when your hand rested on my back.
Why am i in love if i know im not ready.
Why am i in love when you didnt express interest.
Why am i in love with you, when you said so yourself that your too broken to feel love for anyone anymore.
I want to help you be you again. I want to help you feel love again. I want to show you what a proper relationship is like, Instead of all those abusive assholes who hurt you. I am in love with you, and you know i would never intentionally do anything to cause you harm. I am in love with you, and i can't stand to see you hurting, and i can't stand to see you feeling the way i felt when my world came crashing down. I love you because i see the world in your eyes when you challenge your past trauma when you're with me. I love you because i see your soul everytime i look at you, and your soul is beautiful.
Why do i love you when you keep saying that the ass who hurt you is your soulmate despite what he did to you. Why do you let that idea ruminate inside you. If he really was your soulmate he would never have done that to you.
I love you because i see how great you are even after everything you've been through, i love you because when you let me hold your hand you pour your energy into me without realizing, and you find enough comfort in me to let that happen.
I've seen it in your eyes. I've heard it on your words. It's plain and clear as day to me, with all the little things.
Your subconcious knows, but you don't want the help to see the truth. I want to show you what you do without realizing, so you realize exactly what you're doing. I want to tell you so you can see what i am seeing, When you're with me.
There's more to us than you let yourself see, there's more to me than you can see. There's more to us than you want there to be, and that's what truly scares me.
Why am i in love with you, when i see all these things. You saved me from myself time and time again. Why am i in love with you when i know you'll cause me pain. When it all becomes clear to you, i hope your mind will change.
I love you for what i see, i love you for what i feel. I love you so much yet i can't even say it to myself. Because I am afraid, that you'll never see in yourself what i see in you everyday. I am afraid that you'll love someone else, only to be hurt again.
Why do i love you. Why do i love you. Why do i love you.
Why would i come back to you after what happened before, why should i feel this way when you made me feel so horrible. Not because i felt that way, not because you hurt me.
My mind is tired, but i prefer unrequited pain to lethargic apathy. I'd rather be hurting for your love, than dying from not feeling anything at all.
My mind is chaos, but not when you're around. My mind is unhinged, but you always calm me down.
You silence the storm that tears me apart, the pain i felt before you came back into my life. Simply by being near me, or talking to me.
Even if i explained all of this to you, you might never feel what i feel, you might never want me like i want you. Even if i showed you what you do to me, it's not about me. It was never about me. It's always been you.
Why am i in love.
My mind is tearing at the seams of reality because i can't be me without someone like you, because without someone that i can love i can't truly be myself. Flirty, affectionate, caring, loving, worrysome, hopeful, happy me. I can't be me unless i have someone i can flirt with and mean everyword in every way with all the romantic love in my heart. I can't be me without someone i can shower with affection from the very depths of my loving soul. I can't be me platonically. I care about everyone, i love all my friends and family platonically, i worry about everyone, and i hope for the best for all the people i love. But im not really happy unless i can shower someone with romantic affection and flirt with every intention of following through. People seem to forget that romantic love is an integral part of who i am. Unconditional romantic love, is written into my very being, the very core of my soul is a heart bigger than any mountain, more loving than anyone i know. I want to flirt with you and make you smile and make you laugh. I want to kiss you and hug you and be there for you whenever you need me.
Everyone seems to forget that i was raised to love with all my being, everyone seems to forget that i was fine before i went this long without anyone. Everyone seems to think that i don't love myself. Everyone seems to forget that even when i am whole on my own i never feel it, because i know even when i am whole, i am incomplete. I know what love is, and what it feels like to be loved. And without that feeling of being loved, even in the best shape of my life mentally and physically, i still felt like something huge was missing from me. I know i am destined for a great love, i feel it in every breath i take, i feel it in every drop of blood pumping through my veins, i feel the universe with every passing Planck, moving and living around me. And i know the great love it has in store for me.
When you left me i took a year to myself to become the best possible me i can be on my own. I'm almost there. And when i am there, i want you to be there with me, holding my hand, feeling my energy pulse with every passing moment, and feeling just how happy I'll be, with you by my side. Even if we still need some work, i know my doubts will pass, i know my heart will know the love destined for it. I don't know if we're soulmates, but I'd be dissapointed if it was anyone other than you... It wouldn't be very nice of me to think that, let alone say it. But i find you to be the most perfect person for me, time and time again I've found myself wanting you. Even when i was broken and dying from the one before you, i sat with you and i wanted you. Not to fix me, not to help me get better, but to be with me so i could be better on my own, so i could be the best person i could be, so i could give you what i think you deserve. I want to be the best me i can be, so i can help you be the best you you can be, so we can be better together. There's no way to express how i mean that without sounding like i want to be better for you, i want to be better for me. But in doing so i want to be the best me i can be, with you. If that makes sense. And i want to help you be the best you that you can be. I never want to see you hurting, because i know that if i had been better in the first place, you wouldn't have gotten hurt in the way that you did, because you never would've gone out with him, so he could never have hurt you.
I love you, but i can't say it out loud because i am afraid that i might ruin everything again if i do say it. Im afraid that if i say it out loud before the time is right, that you'll cut me out. I want to be your friend while we get better and i want to be your partner when we're both ready.
Why am i in love with you when I'm afraid that i'll hurt you, when im afraid that you'll get hurt again. I am in love with you because i want to protect you, and see you shine and be yourself as the fullest you can be. And im willing to be right there beside you, every step of the way, through the good and the bad, the easy times and the tough times. I am in love with you, not because i want to fix you, not because i want to see you be the best you you can be, not because i want to help you get there. I love you because i love you, simple as can be. I want to see all these things, but even if i never see them come to be, I'll still love you, because i love you. There is no divine purpose, there is no hidden reasons or meanings, there are all these things i want to do with you, not because i love the current you, or the darkest you, or even best you. Because i love you for you. I love you because i love you.
But you may never love me...
Im sorry if you see this and become uncomfortable, im sorry if this makes you uncomfortable, but i needed to get it all sorted out, and the best way for me to do that was to write this out. I never meant to hurt you or make you feel unease, i do this because it makes my mind feel a little more at peace. I want to be able to be my best on my own and feel independent. But whether i achieve that or not, i will always feel this way about you.
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Reblog the 500,000 dollar written check from Seto Kaiba and money will come your way.
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I pray everyone gets good news within the next 2 weeks
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Reblog the 500,000 dollar written check from Seto Kaiba and money will come your way.
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For real though, i'm Bi-curious, if you don't like bisexuals then gtf off my blog
This is why I don’t tell 99% people im bisexual
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This is wonderful 😀
i feel it in my bones, i’m on F I R E
FUCK
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You Are Going To Have So Much Success In 2018 (pass it on)
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Reblog this and money will be entering your life this week
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Sharing in support and prayers of safety for our french friends, loved ones, and strangers, may they come out alive and in good health with victory in their hearts and hands
France is living something historical
March, 11th. While students were occupying a lecture hall in Montpellier’s University of Law, the Dean sent a fascist group helped by two teachers to beat up the students. Three of them ended up in the hospital, the girl in the picture with a fractured skull.
March, 27th. 4,000 students are sitting at Montpellier’s University of Art and Literature . We are voting the continued occupation of the University until all our demands are met. We make sure to include the French President’s resignation in our demands, to be certain that they will never be met. To this day, the university is still occupied.
vimeo
April, 4th.
“Travaille, consomme et ferme ta gueule ! Et c’est quoi le message qu’on passe aux jeunes ?” “Tout est à nous ! Tout est à nous ! Rien n’est à eux ! Rien n’est à eux ! Tout ce qu’ils ont, ils l’ont volé ! Partage des richesses, partage des savoirs ou alors ça va péter !”
“Work, buy and shut the fuck up! And what’s the message you give to the youth?” “Everything is ours! Nothing is theirs! All they have, they have stolen! Share the wealth, share the knowledge or we will blow everything up!”
National day of strike. 2,700 people in Paris. 1,000 in Lyon. 2,000 in Montpellier. The workers joined the students, the hospital staff, the train and rails staff. Everyone marched, threatened by the CRS (security police) and smoke bombs. We had to stay masked because fascists groups were attacking people leaving the march.
April, 11th
Montpellier: Paul Valery University’s servers hacked, final exams pending
The Dean of my University (Art and Literature) has been a vocal opposant of our movement. In an effort to stop the occupation and threaten us, he has repeatedly refused to come to our meetins, has ignored the decisions made by the teaching staff and threatened to fire teachers who decided to march with us. His last effort has been regarding finals. Because the university is blocked since February (see the post I made), we didn’t have classes and almost no material to take exams. Final week was supposed to be from April 9th to 13th. The Dean ordered the teachers to create online exams for us to send. We received the subjects Friday 6th. I had to write an 18-page-long essay on animation in TWO DAYS. But today, something incredible happened. The plateform used by the university to communicate with students and send our exams was hacked by the protesting students. We can’t access it. We can’t send our exams. Furthermore, an assembly of teachers was held yesterday and they decided that they were going to play on a technicality. The Dean ordered them to make exams; he didn’t say if he wanted the teachers to grade them. A unanimous vote decided that they would give 10 to each student (we are graded on 20 and 10 is the minimum to pass) and bonus point if they give the exams.
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Again, I’m begging you, share this around. The governement is purposefully hiding what is happening because they’re afraid it’s going to turn into another May, 1968. Reblog, repost, I don’t care. I just want people to see it. I’m 20 and I’m risking my life when I march.
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exams would never be scheduled on christmas. no important sporting event would ever be played on easter. it’s about time that jewish holy days are given the same respect.
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Deep thought poetry from a sleepless night turned early morning.
-Obscurity
Let me fade into obscurity so i may leave and be in peace, so i may find myself, so you may find me. A forgotten memory long since past, a fire burning unattended. Controlled, but unaided. Let me fade into obscurity so my return may bless the light upon your faces, so i may bring unto thee my love, a warm embrace from a cold past drenched in sorrow. Let me become the shining star in your night sky that i may guide your way. Let me become the moon shining bright and bold so i may light your darkest hour. Even if you forget about me, i will always be here. I will always be here, but never in your reach, until you too, fade like me.
-Souls part 1
A fire burns late into the night, a single man sits in its light. The fire is a woman, whom the man yearns to see, but dare not get close, for risk of being hurt again. His soul aches for her, but he dares not approach. The fire burns brighter the longer he stares, but if he goes near, will it stay the same.
-Souls part 2
A woman sits in front a mirror, her gaze lost in a blank reflection. Mind wandering to a man she doesn't yet know. She wants to know him but doesn't know how, her fire burns inside her soul. Passion unbound yet perfectly contained, inside the souls of lovers yet named.
-Untitled
What light peaks over the mountain, what storm brews stronger than all. A stirring emotion caught on the wind, slowly drifting till it finds new hands. To hold. Drifting slow upon it's breeze, like shell on foam, it passes village after village, to find it's new hands. The hands it once knew grew old and fell away, happiness in their time they knew. Born again are old souls birthed with hands anew, to hold emotion from high on wind, so lovers may bloom anew.
Inspired by the long night of a lonesome heart. Enjoy the read, this ones on me.
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call us brutal, sick, sadistic, and grotesquely optimistic
‘cause way down deep inside we’ve got a dream!
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