I wonder what happens if I’m suddenly gone? will people even miss me? Will someone look for me?

I’m not okay.

If you need someone to talk to, message me

I’m a background character in everyone’s life. I’m not important to anyone. I don’t even matter.

I don’t get mad anymore, I just get really quiet. Why keep talking when nobody is really listening to you?

I think I’m getting better and then everything gets bad again. 

Why do so many people try to defend body shaming victims by saying things like “oh maybe they’re fat bc they have xy illness” “maybe they have short hair because they had cancer” “maybe the scars are from surgery” like. You don’t need to give them a proper reason to stop body shaming because you shouldn’t NEED A REASON FOR THAT! just because someone is fat or has scars or short hair or whatever you think strays from what’s the norm and is socially acceptable doesn’t mean they don’t deserve your fucking respect. Honestly just stop fucking commenting on other people’s bodies period

I lost 25kg between July 2019 and May 2020, I haven't weighed myself since then, but I can feel that I've already managed to get many of them back. All I did was go back to eating normally and (regretfully, because I do want to exercise regularly not for weight reasons but for health ones) slack on exercise. Yes, there were instances in which I ate too much, birthday cakes and going out to places. But it wasn't something I did every single day. I still regained the weight very fast, likely because of my constitution and metabolism.

I'm not going to lie, I wish I was back at that weight right now, but I also know the only way ever to maintain it is to periodically starve myself (sometimes for one whole day, sometimes for three, living off water and black coffees), to doom myself to never enjoy any social gathering, to exercise until I hurt even when I hate it, to feel anxious af every time I so much as eat anything. To not be able to touch, or let someone touch, or even tolerate the sight of my body in the mirror without recoiling.

I do want to establish a new exercise routine, one that I can reliably stick to, because I like the serotonin being active gives me, but I like the serotonin food gives me too. I've had bloodwork and hormone tests done. I don't have cholesterol or high sugar, I don't have thyroids. I eat very varied food and I will continue to do so (while also enjoying christmases and gatherings and going out), I'm perfectly healthy, I'm just fat.

I'd rather be that than absolutely miserable and anxious all the time over my body, to not be able to sleep because I am just so damn hungry but I'm on a 16 hour fast so I can't, to end up anxiously crying in any store changing room because I can't bear to try on new clothes, to not dare swim or go out in tight clothing, to have panic attacks at the thought of the scale not giving me a number I'm comfortable with.

i am tired. i am exhausted. from my head to my soul to my bones i am so fucking tired.

I am so goddamn insecure. I am insecure of being insecure.