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More Than Anything
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Rapuh
Setahun terakhir aku lumayan sering menggunakan bis sebagai alat transportasi untuk pulang kampung. Ada satu kejadian yang menurutku paling berkesan. Saat itu ada seorang pengamen masuk dan menyanyikan lagu Opick - Rapuh.
“Meski ku rapuh dalam langkah
Kadang tak setia kepadamu”
Lagu yang bernuansa reliji ini sudah beberapa kali aku dengar secara tidak sengaja. Tapi entah kenapa makna lagu tersebut ‘ngena’ banget malam itu. Apalagi bagi aku yang masih sering jatuh-bangun mendekatkan diri aku pada Tuhan. Yang di dua puluh dua tahun perjalanan seringkali mangkir dari kewajiban dan malah melakukan apa yang seharusnya dilarang.
“Maafkanlah bila hati
Tak sempurna mencintaiMu
Dalam dada ku harap hanya
Dirimu yang bertakhta.”
I cried when I heard this part. Tentang cinta pada Tuhan. Seakan menjadi pengingat kalau selama ini aku terlalu banyak mengisi hati dan pikiran akan makhluk ciptaan-Nya. Padahal cinta pada-Nya sudah seharusnya diatas segalanya.
Walaupun malam itu banyak pemikiran yang terlintas, tapi rasanya enteng, tidak memberatkan. Rasa bersalah yang selama ini kerap menyesakkan, rasanya menguap bersama ketenangan hati yang sudah lama tidak aku rasakan. Intensitas perasaan-perasaan yang sejujurnya sulit aku ungkapkan kedalam tulisan ini. Tetapi semoga cukup sebagai pengingat dikala hatiku melemah, bahwa aku pernah merasa sedekat itu dengan Tuhan hanya dari lantunan lagu seorang pengamen jalanan.
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Hm.
Belakangan ketakukan yang selama ini aku redam kembali muncul ke permukaan. Seiring dengan keputusan yang aku ambil untuk tidak terlibat hubungan dalam bentuk apapun lagi. Takut perasaan-perasaan yang pernah muncul beberapa tahun silam gagal aku rasakan kembali. Ini juga yang kadang bikin aku enggan memulai lagi. Karena ya sejauh ini tiap kali aku coba, hasilnya hanya mengonfirmasi rasa takut itu.
Memang kalau dilihat dari sisi lain, kehampaan yang aku rasakan ini mempermudah niat aku untuk tidak terikat hingga sesuatu menjadi pasti. Karena ya jangankan untuk berkomitmen, ternyata sebatas tahap pengenalan pun rasanya melelahkan. Apalagi ketika sudah berbulan-bulan dicoba tapi hati aku tetap gak disana. Walaupun rasa membutuhkan seseorang kadang hadir, terlebih ketika aku hidup sendiri jauh dari keluarga, tapi untuk saat ini sepertinya memang belum bisa. Lagipula, mengingat waktu dan energi yang aku butuhkan untuk menerima proses kehilangan, I know I can’t jump into another roller-coaster relationship.
Kadang beberapa orang terdekat tanya apa sikap aku ini hadir sebagai reaksi dari hubungan aku terdahulu. Jujur sempet juga sih kepikiran seperti itu. Cuman tiap pikiran kaya gitu muncul, aku coba belajar untuk husnudzan. Mungkin ini salah satu jalan agar hati aku dijauhkan dari sesuatau ataupun seseorang yang memang bukan rezeki aku. Mungkin ini juga jawaban dari doa-doa agar aku bisa menjaga hati dan diri aku dari sesuatu yang mungkin lebih banyak mudaratnya hehe.
Besides, I believe those butterflies and strong connection won’t come very often. Sure, it will happen again. But maybe, not this time.
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Thank You.
So I met this guy in early April
When my nightmares started to disappear
And my tears dried on their own
”The guy who thick all of the boxes” - they said.
It made me nervous that I had to bring his name in all my prayers
Asking God “is it okay to give it a try?” for months
“I barely know anything about you; except from the conversation with our mutual friend”. - he said.
“Would you still like me even if you know the darkest side of me?”. - my heart whispered.
But, all I could say was:
“Distance sucks”
“Short conversation we had after spending half of our day at work”
“Maybe it is my inability to open up again”
And;
“Let’s make some distances”
“Because we are better off as two strangers become friends.”
PS:
To the one who reminds me of my long lost dreams
When I was so busy to keep my sanity in check.
I hope that day will come
When your Ivy-League dreams come true
Thank you!
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Pulang by Twelvi
Aku ingin pulang, Tuhan, jika boleh. Ke relung peluk di mana hatiku seharusnya hangat meringkuk. Ke sepasang tatap mata di mana mimpi dan harapan bukan sekedar kata-kata. Pulang ke rongga dada anak manusia yang baginya aku disebut tulang rusuk. Aku rindu pulang, Tuhan, jika boleh. Rindu menemukan rumah yang akan selamanya merengkuh jiwaku dengan ramah. Rindu menemukan lengan untuk berpegangan tanpa harus merasa takut untuk jatuh atau terhempas. Karena tahu ia akan memelukku dan tak akan dilepas. Aku rindu pulang, Tuhan, jika boleh. Rindu menemukan jawaban atas semua pertanyaan. Rindu menemukan bahwa pada akhirnya ratusan bulir airmata dan serangkaian perjalanan jatuh-bangkit yang melelahkan tidaklah sia-sia. Aku merindukan rumah. Rindu menemukan hati di mana aku tahu bahwa aku tercipta untuk ada di sana. Rumah untuk menua. Rumah untuk pulang.
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Matahari
Hangat
Dengannya semua dinding tinggiku runtuh
Dengannya semua beku hatiku cair
Dengannya semua seluk beluk hidup aku bagi
Dengannya terasa seperti aku pulang
Menemukan rumah
Ah tapi aku lupa...
Matahari sudah lama pergi
Matahari yang aku tahu hanyalah sebatas memori
Terhenti di aku yang sembilan belas dan dia di dua puluh
Dengannya dulu, senaif itu aku memilih untuk percaya...
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.
Jika aku coba hitung dengan jari
Sudah lama berlalu ternyata
Sejak dia memilih untuk pergi
Meniadakan semua janji
Menutup pintu hati
Membangun tembok tinggi
Jika aku coba untuk ingat kembali
Sudah lama rasanya sejak kali terakhir
Mengawali pagi-pagi dengan panjatan doa
Menghabiskan malam-malam dengan isak tangis
Menjalani hari-hari dalam secercah sesal
Semua ternyata memudar
Dilibas habis oleh waktu
Jika aku coba untuk jujur pada diri sendiri
Sudah beberapa kali sepertinya
Menghabiskan dua atau tiga cangkir kopi
Mendengarkan kisah hidup orang-orang asing itu
Menceritakan kembali mengenai siapa aku ini
Mencoba membuka diri, untuk satu kali lagi
Tetapi mengapa
Aku masih saja menulis seperti ini?
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Random Thoughts
“Kita hobi sekali menyimpan rasa bahagia di dalam kotak rapat yang baru bisa kita buka kuncinya setelah kita meraih apa yang kita inginkan. Padahal dalam hidup kita lebih banyak menghabiskan waktu untuk berproses dan menanam, ketimbang waktu yang kita habiskan untuk meraih dan memetik”.
Interesting words from a book I’ve recently read.
Yes. We often associates happiness when life goes according to our expectation. We set certain condition as our ‘happiness standard’ - graduated at the time we expected with honors, get your dream job or master scholarship as soon as you graduate,finding the love of your life, get married and have kids at certain age,have certain amount of money, profitable investment, or you name it-
When we can reach one goal, we feel happy for a while, then we go back to endless journey of reaching another goal. So it is true that if we depend our happiness only on the results, our happiness won’t last longer.
As someone who used to try to plan at least several years to the future, I was hunted by my own standard – that I will be happy if I could unthick all of the boxes–. It stressed me out when nothing goes according to plan. I can never live in the present with that way of thinking.
Sometimes when I look back at that time, I wonder why did I feel stressed that sometimes it affects my relationship with people around me. I realized why should I wait for something big to feel happy? So I made up my mind to try to be happy with the little things while riding the journey to achieve the big one. It works for me and I’ve been able to enjoy myself more.
Maybe it is true that you can transform your life by changing your thoughts. Now let me end this random thought of mine with a piece of Dale Carneige’s mind in his best-selling book:
“It isn't what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it.”
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Jika aku jatuh cinta lagi, aku ingin jatuh cinta dengan damai. Yang ketika kutahu dia menujuku, aku tenang karena dia melalui jalan yang benar. Yang ketika aku menyambutnya, dia bahagia karena aku berada di pintu yang seharusnya
Dani Wadiandini
(I found this somewhere in tumblr)
(Semoga suatu saat dipertemukan dengan jalan yang benar dan damai)
(Semoga. Amin)
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I’m not laughing.” I was actually crying. “And please don’t laugh at me now, but I think the reason it’s so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed he was my soul mate.
”He probably was. Your problem is you don’t understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can’t let this one go. It’s over.
Eat, Pray, Love.
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I left that part of my heart
Someone once said,
“ You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart always will be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place”
So I left that part of my heart;
In the university where I first met you
In the classroom where you used to wait for me while I taught my students
In every bookstore where you read comics while I read Kurniawan or Kumala’s books
In the gallery restaurant where I introduced you to my parents
In the city hall where you taught my little brother how to do the soccer
In every station where you hugged me tight before I went back to my hometown
In every hospital where you took care of me when I was sick
In the gamezone where you love the boxing game (and you had the battle score with some Japanese guys)
In the restaurant near our campus where I taught you accounting and you helped me with my thesis
In the photo studio where you took photos with my family in my graduation day
In every cheap street foods we visited when we did not have money
In every fancy restaurant where we think it’s not worth the price (…and there is no our favorite ‘sambal mangga’ in that kind of place)
In the 19 KM we have to through to visit our favorite Sundanese restaurant (…and I still remember you love the crispy mushroom and the ice lime that much)
In every jogging track we visited to exercise (but we ended up eating the delicious chicken porridge)
In every grocery store we visited for my monthly grocery shopping
In our most-visited restaurant where you asked me to be your significant other (with that music box, my favorite chocolates, and your handmade scrap book)
In every late night conversation when we open up to each other (a long and deep conversation about our family, childhood memories, our deepest secret, our lowest point, our scars, and our dreams)
In every nice houses we looked and said “let’s have this kind of house when we are getting married”
In every night you called me to sing a song when I have a lot on my mind
In the coffee house when I gave you a surprise birthday party, and you said, you are the happiest man on earth. (while several months later you said you have had enough already).
In the parking room where you gave me a cute doll as a surprise gift (…and you wrote “it’s been a wonderful 4 months with you. I am so lucky to be your boyfriend”)
In your car where you gave me nice flowers or yummy chocholate every first day of month
In everytime I cooked you food (evethough the taste isn’t so good, you keep eating it without complaining)
In that karaoke room where we used to sing and dance together (…and it always pop up in my head everytime I hear “Shut up and Dance” by Walk The Moon)
In everytime you strenghten me when I hit rock bottom
I left that part of my heart
In every broken promises
In every unrealized future
In every places
In every times
In every memories,
We have already fought so hard,
But maybe,
We are just not meant to be.
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Mungkin memang Tuhan sedang mengajarkan arti keikhlasan dan kesabaran atau mungkin Tuhan sedang rindu hambanya bersujud di sepertiga malam
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Body cells replace themselves every month. Even at this very moment. Most everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories.
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Me & Murakami
Last night I read Murakami’s short story and I became sad for no apparent reason. Feelings of loneliness, isolation, hopelesness and loss filled my thoughts.
I felt as if I was the characters in the books and he was describing my feeling. I could relate to his writings very well to the point I thought it would have been nice if I have someone who will understand these kind of conversation:
“I always want to be a Midori but somehow I end up being a Naoko”
“My friend had a sputnik sweetheart moment during his trip to Norway”.
“Let’s not fool ourselves like the ‘100% perfect each other’ couple”
“I went through a Kafka Tamura and Nakata phase”
It is nice to be able to put things that way and not have to explain anything. But today I woke up and I realized how his books make a huge impact on my feeling. As someone who has read Murakami since I was 16 years old, I seriously think I should take a break from Murakami.
I’m in such a sensitive time in my life that I’m afraid if I start to get those feeling of we are just lonely and desperate for connection with another person that I could lose it.
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I sincerely hope that you – you with that big, tender heart of yours, with always kind words to speak – has been kind to yourself today. You are immeasurably precious, and please, don’t you ever forget.
neurims
(via wnq-writers)
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