so twitter has been fun lately

Stop demanding what you think other blogs should be posting or not posting. You're honestly ruining this place for everyone and we are going to keep losing amazing people because of it. Your expectations are not gospel. If you don't like something, kindly move the fuck along.

me, looking at this ghoul from fallout

Oh no

I don't know when it was that things changed so much.

When I first came onto Tumblr, onto roleplaying here and such. Things like enemies to lovers but still enemies, conflicting dynamics for a ship were discussed, joked about - it was an interesting way of looking at different scenarios in a safe environment.

Doing so these days, mostly by myself in the form of fanfiction - exploring two characters that have such passionate hate for one another, it comes out carnally in a sexual form - or flirting with danger and death; in this day and age of online assumptions, this becomes a window to the sort of person I must be in order to write such topics. A real person, labelled a misogynist and an abuse fetisher, for the actions and motivations of fictional, fake characters.

By this logic, Stephen King must have also been a stalker that hung out in sewers to kidnap children. There are plenty of literary examples of dark settings, criminals and all sort of tragic and messed up scenarios; that's the purpose of a good story. To evoke a strong reaction to something that isn't real or never really happened. It does happen in the real world, certainly; but writing online isn't the real world. I'm not out doing anything that my writing says that my characters are doing. I'm not them.

I'm probably just rambling at this point. Reflecting on how different and difficult it feels now to as it was. Still just going to try and navigate through it all, write the silly little words that make me happy.

That old man should be grunting and sweating on top of me right now what the fuck

But on a lighter note.

Dungeons and Dragons day with the pals! I've missed playing Dummy, my adorable yet chaotically mishappening clown child.

(Artwork by the wonderful @adarlingmess, of course! )

You don't know me.

You don't know how hard I've worked to be here.

Each flaw or undesirable part of me, I've acknowledged, listened, and worked so hard to improve. To understand, to heal, to do better.

Because I care about self improvement, and to be the kind of person that never hurts another, unintentionally or otherwise.

You don't know me, because there's strengths and wonderful things about me, just as there have been weaknesses and bad things.

I deserve to be here. To be alive. To be happy, to be part of communities, fandom or otherwise. I've worked hard on myself, and I intend to stay here to keep learning, keep improving.

You don't know me, and you don't wish to know me - and that's okay. Because I'm happy within myself. I'm not at the end of my journey yet, but I'm starting to love things about myself when it's difficult to have done so before.

I am a strange, loveable, big emotions nerdy individual. I am okay with that. And there will be people who will be okay with it too.

Hey btw this is a pro mary sue/"cringy" oc blog. You're creating! You're having fun! That's all that matters and I'm proud of you.

I like writing strong female characters. Even Dummy, being in a horrendously co-dependency relationship, she has strength in her own way. Through still seeking out friendship and keeping her bubbly demenor.

Some of my writing does explore abusive situations, but it's rarely ever being compliant - more about defiance, overcoming trauma. Like that one quote, characters need to be broken to become diamonds.

A good story, or a story I'm interested in has conflict, clashing of personalities - until a resolution or a conclusion can be found. For Neri, it will always be about never changing who she is, no matter how much anyone else might try to.

I want to write stories that are complex, dark and light themes both - because in doing so, it gives me strength to keep going in my own story.

Felt good to talk to my friend tonight. To be honest, there's a lot about sex and my sexual identity that I feel very embarrassed, like I'm broken and I don't work right. That my first thought around the topic of sexual activity is danger, and that people will hurt me or use me.

I don't know. There are some days, I feel like I've just been through so much. Healing seems a very far off horizon - although, my therapist said it will just take practice to retrain the brain.

I hope there'll be a day I won't be so scared or uncomfortable in my own skin.

Thinking about a single clawed finger, slightly warmer than a regular human, tracing your bottom lip, pushing against it slightly to see how soft and pliant they are.

Fingers tracing the curves of your jawlines, soft padding along your skin; relishing the delicacy that is your beautiful skin , the shape of your bones. All the while, eyes of devil fire watch your every reaction - a feast for the senses, you and him both.

The shivers, the way your little tongue darts out to wet your lips when they become too dry. The noise you make when his claw nicks your lip enough for a single drop of blood to roll down your chin. A thing of beauty, only made all the sweeter by the sight and the fragrance of what keeps you alive.

When the devil's tongue partakes in your offering, it is slow and purposeful. Just as his fingers before, the tip moving along your bloodied chin with purpose and care.

The way that your stomach wobbles and clenches, the way that his hand holding your back digs his fingers in - making sure his intentions to keep you are perfectly known.

Such is the sance between the devil and what he is due. After all, why just the crown, if he can also take you?

Not me now imagining Haarlep just sending constant letters about his sexual exploits, just for the fun of imagining your face at all the different species and all the 'I don't think it's physically possible to do that' positions.

People at work always asking about partners, or marriage, or kids.

How you supposed to tell them you're attracted to fictional devil men.

hey here's a website for downloading any video or image from any website.

works w/ youtube, soundcloud, twitch, twitter (gifs and videos), tumblr (video and audio), and most other websites you're probably lookin to download stuff off of.

Maybe there is no victim. Maybe there's just people trying to survive in the only ways they've known how to. It takes time, unlearning how to stop being hypervigilant, how to not keep the family peace.

I've gone to so much therapy to fix this.

And I'd never want to wish harm or misfortune on anyone.