1/25

Card: Three of Wands

I know I've had these realizations many times before, but it's kinda hilarious (if not torturous) that I have to keep reminding myself that almost all of life is driven between pain and pleasure. Maybe this is just the 7w6 me talking here, but you really can just boil so many human behaviors down to people rationalizing NOT doing something that is painful and then rationalizing moving towards something that is pleasurable. I feel like I've been painfully aware of this in all my behaviors lately.

Of course this causes me to ask what exactly is pain or pleasure. The most immediate answer is that they're chemicals that come from the brain. It is my current worldly understanding is that we're controlled by our brains. Our minds are our brains. All our senses of self and abstract thoughts are created by neurochemistry.

I recently just watched a few hours of my favorite neurobiologist (bordering on philosopher), Robert Sapolsky, and his whole theory about human behavior really resonated with me. Just as many, many writers and thinkers have dwelled on before, (mine most literary reference being the foreword of Kurt Vonnegut's Breakfast of Champions) is that all we really know in objective, material reality is that humans are machines. Sapolsky's very compelling narrative is that humans have no free will, and that you can ultimately boil ALL of human behavior down to chemicals firing off in their own brains.

Now this may seem like too reductive of a statement. However, the nuance lies in how up until this very point of consciousness, the very decisions and thoughts going through your head, are all inextricably linked to all of your past experiences as a human, starting off with your immediate past actions. As many of us can probably relate to, after a big lunch it is hard to really focus and get back to concentrating on something for work. This is because after a big meal, your body is busy delegating resources to your digestive system. Perhaps there's a spike in your blood-sugar levels, triggering the release of insulin and causing brain fog. So when you get back from a high-carb lunch and have to begin systematically programming a React component hierarchy for the frontend of your website, it can be really hard to do that, due to the chemicals shifting around in your brain and body.

But that chain reaction keeps going back. Let's say earlier in the week, your significant other broke up with you. Obviously that is a very traumatic experience (depending on the situation) and it's left you feeling very bad. Because of a deeper, more primitive human need for connection or love, that severance of a relationship that provided you with those feelings (oxytocin, serotonin, etc.) you may find it hard to focus on the things you have in front of you as well.

The idea is that you can keep taking things further and further back, experiences in your life that you've processed through your consciousness and thus your body reacting by producing chemicals linger in the body, and not only effect your body, but the neural pathways in your brain. This chain keeps going further and further back, where each experience or thought you've experienced in your life shapes your neural pathways by either reinforcing them, creating new pathways or by shutting particular ones down.

These chains of events even go all the way back to before we are even born. When we are in our mother's wombs we receive chemicals as the building blocks of our psychical bodies from our mothers. Through the chains of events in our mother's lives, Our mothers bodies react to the events of their own lives and pass along the resulting chemicals down to us. If a mother experiences chronic stress due to not being able to afford her living expenses, those cortisol chemicals and others are passed onto their babies embryos and begin fundamentally shaping how they began to grow.

This all begins to immediately answer the physical reasons how we are as people and how we interact with the world around us. It is all immediately boiled down to particles in our bodies and minds. But is there something more mystical driving everything at a deeper level? I really don't know.

12/18

Card: Three of Cups

I've taken a fiction writing class and read and compiled resources and notes about writing fiction prose and the processes that that looks like for many writers. For my own writing process I've outlined the frames of a story structure, I've started writing character bio pages for each character, and I've explicitly written out any of the themes or ideas I would like to convey in a story.

I feel like I've tried to structure and rationalize my writing process as much as possible, just like how in general in my life I try to rationalize and find the answers and meanings to things and systems all throughout my life. I think I'm realizing is that writing, and creative expression in general, is a much more organic process. It is much more abstract and just sort of flows out of someone making something, maybe initially without much thought.

Some of my favorite things I've written are all just stream of consciousness. They sound the most natural and I feel like I only have to modify the prose a little bit in my revisions instead of when I'm trying to convey a specific idea or concept in a fictional situation or in an accessible or entertaining way.

I guess what I'm curious about is my current disconnect between the art or writing that I want to create vs. what I naturally do create, and how I should bridge the gap between those two, or if I even should try to bridge that gap between the two.

I've talked to several of my artist friends who write music and they have all shared the same sentiments where they have an initial vision for something, but then it changes drastically in the making of it, and sometimes that's just for the better. Even thought I naturally have a story I'd like to tell, a lot of the times it completely naturally comes out of me in a totally different way. What should I do to start changing the natural tendencies I have into the works I want to make? Or should I just abandon that idea altogether??? Maybe I just need to keep writing more and just let what wants to come out of me just naturally flow out, until I get to what I really want to say deep down. In the meantime I feel like it'll just be comedic nonsense and disgusting stories, but that does make me laugh and satisfy some part of myself, even though I aspire to write much more complex and intellectually stimulating things.

12/16

Card: The High Priestess - Reversed

Well it's really crazy. I feel like I'm really trying to embrace the more abstract and less rational form of perceiving the world around me. Just letting "me be" as I interact with the world around me. Obviously I highly value rational thinking and true examination of the world and systems at work around me in all sorts of ways. However, now I feel like I'm just wanted to exist in these spaces and be more in tune with the moment. There's obviously always a part of my brain that will be a-spinning and a-whirling around, noticing every little thing around me and trying to make connections and make sense of reality in a rational way. I want to start becoming more in tune with the moment, though. I want my feelings to be more present and the feelings of others.

As anyone who knows me in real life, they know that I am a very open and honest person, and they know I probably take up a big space with my feelings and thoughts about things. It's not that I have trouble articulating my thoughts (although, especially when it comes to writing, I really really feel like I do) it's that I actually want base emotion to guide my perception of reality in a much bigger way.

I guess an example would be that I want I don't want to be standing behind the counter at the coffee shop thinking "Okay, it's 8:30 am on a Monday, I'm in Harrisonburg, Virginia and I'm at work." Instead I want all of my conscious thoughts to more tuned-into the sensory inputs from the environment and the people around me. I kind of just want to live in a very moment and get lost in it.

Does this really make sense? I'm probably describing a mental breakdown from reality. Like, the opposite of dissociation into a moment, when the moment is all there is. I guess I'm also just describing a psychedelic trip as well... OOPS

Well anyways, I think I'm starting to realize that that is probably how I'm going to become a good writer. That when I'm writing about a moment, I should really top trying to think about the context of the moment and instead just start thinking about the feelings of it.

I know this sounds SUPER DUPER conceited and annoying, but I really have started learning about myself that I am always trying to rationalize and understand everything I come in contact with, and while I dont think that part of myself will ever go away, I am realizing that I should stop believing that that is the only TRUE way to live, think and experience the world around me. Do I think more people should pay attention and learn about the world around them? Yes, desperately. Do I think that I've done that a little too much and instead I should start living in abstracts and in the moment? YES HONEY

12/14

Card: Ace of Wands - Reversed

I'm feeling very torn on two creative projects of mine. The two main creative endeavors in my life right now are creating a video game (which I'm currently in the early phases of getting something to render on my computer) and writing a novel (also working towards this).

Today for my daily tarot card I pulled the Ace of Wands reversed, signifying that I'm feeling stuck, uninspired, being blocked and hesitations. I'm currently stuck between devoting my time and energy between working on programming this video game or creative writing. I'm torn between the two because I'm currently working towards becoming a Web Development software engineer, and I feel like if I'm devoting my energy towards a software project, it should be one related to web development until I get a job. I'm currently working another job with the aspiration of only doing software engineering, and right now trying to find a job in software engineering is really competitive. I feel like I shouldn't start doing other projects that aren't related to web development because I still need to solidify a lot of my skills in web dev. However, as far as a creative outlet, I feel like working on the video game is a much more direct approach to my creative inspiration, whereas writing, I've realized, is much more abstract.

I've been thinking a lot about my writing progress and I've realized that I need to stop trying so hard to rationalize and understand everything about where my writing is supposed to be going and instead embrace a more organic approach to writing scenes. I'm excited to practice this, but I'm also very scared. Sometimes when I make myself sit down to write it feels like rubbing sandpaper together. It is almost painful when I'm trying to write and I feel guilty about feeling this way. It sometimes makes me think that this sensation is a sign that I shouldn't be a writer- that I don't have what it takes in my neurochemistry to be a writer and that maybe I shouldn't be forcing myself to do it. But I'm so torn, because I'm so drawn to storytelling and characters and literature in general and I have an idea for a story that has been in my mind since 2018 and it just won't go away. It's like I need to get it out there, but every attempt I try to get it down on paper just results in frustration and disappointment. The story and ideas still persist, and the deeper meaning of the story drives my curiosity to look into deeper concepts about humans, society, capitalism and history. I feel like I have the ideas that stimulate and excite me, I just don't have the connection to the characters, setting and scenes. It really pains me that I struggle with getting the feeling I want to convey right.

12/6

Card: Six of Wands - Reversed

I think I kinda started relearning a lesson that I had felt like I'd internalized a while ago yesterday about facing your own pain. Yesterday I was in the sauna and I think I was pushing myself for a 25 minutes session, and DAMN it was hot. I think I leaned over at one point and the immense throbbing of my heart could be felt so strongly through the veins in my neck that my whole head began bobbing up and down to the throbs. Anyways, I had put down my book at that point, which is what I normally do once my brain has reached it's critical heat point and I can no longer read, and stared at the knots in the wood on the wall across from me. I remember seeing a face that looked like a sideways tear drop, and with what I think what the combination of the low light and heat hallucinations it gave this monster very life-like scaled skin and deep, hollow eyes. The details looked so real that I could see the sunken-in space from the creatures eyes into it's skull.

Anyways, in this insane heat delirium, I noticed some of the other occupants. I remember there were 3 others in there, two men and one woman. Everyone else had music ear buds in to which I could hear some loud metal playing. The two boys in there, because of their headphones blocking their noise, sent emitting small moans from their seats due to their pain. It was honestly really funny, and I've seen this happen many times before. The one woman in there also seemed to be listening to metal, but her approach to handling the pain seemed very serene. She had her eyes close and was seated in what looked like the Lotus position, with the backs of her hands rested on her knees, giving the upside down "okay" hand gesture. I just remember her looking very peaceful about cooking in the sauna, and it really got me thinking.

What I really love about the sauna is it is a trial of controlled pain. When you enter a dry sauna and sit for an extended amount of time, you are quite litterally overheating your body and beganning to cook it. Cognitively you know that you can exit the sauna at any time and you're not in any real danger, but your body does not know this. Therefore, you body begans doing everything it can to protect itself from these extreme stressers. Your heartrate rises to increase bloodflow throughout the body, you began releasing sweat to try to cool yourself off, your cortisol levels rise to put you into "fight or flight" mode, thus your brain begans to tell you to get the hell outta this stressful situation.

But the main thing that I love about the sauna is that it really allows you to induce pain onto yourself and then notice how your mind reacts to pain. Of course, the first inclination of anyone is to try to distract themselves from the pain. Many people try listening to loud music or a podcast to try to distract their minds from the pain. Some people bring their phones in and resume furiously scrolling through their phones, which is really just an extension of how they deal with their existential pain outside the sauna. As for myself, I bring my e-reader into the sauna and try to distract myself by reading a book.

For me there reaches a point where my brain can no longer hold focus on my book. I can began noticing that when it takes me much longer to read words and I realize that I'm not really retaining anything I'm actually reading. At this point I put my book down and usually try to fix my gaze onto the wall across from me. I usually try to find an interesting detail in the woodgrain or a singular point and just stare at it. While I'm staring at it, I'm trying to turn my thoughts inward and check in with myself. I find that I really do have an almost psychedelic experience when I start paying attention to how my mind and body is reacting to the pain of the sauna.

It's funny because of course my conscious thoughts are "GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS SAUNA" or "surely your twenty minutes are up" or "maybe it's too hot for you today, you could settle for just 10 minutes couldn't you?"

It's just funny how this thoughts begin coming from nowhere and it's like I almost immediately began rationalizing them as excuses for leaving the sauna early. I evolutionarily it makes sense why I do this, my body is trying to protect itself. But I think that to add a more significant life meaning to the sauna experience, what I love about the sauna is that it gives me proof that I can have mind over matter. For me, I tell myself that I will stay in the sauna for 20 minutes, and even though everything within me wants to leave, I keep track to time and I WILL NOT let myself stop until that 20 minutes has passed.

I feel like I need to apply this to my writing, or any challenges I have in my life, and just start setting timers to make sure I get the stuff done I need to get done. I need to stop making excuses and running away from my problems and finally start getting them done.

10/7

I just watched broke back mountain and man was that movie so beautiful. That film was so nuanced and well done. I am so blown away.

The way that they told this story over the span of decades blew me away. You watch as Jack and Inis' lives unfold after that one summer back in 1963.

Jack has always been so much of a firecracker, while Inis, battered and beaten from his childhood takes a much more subdued attitude toward life.

It's so sad that not only can they not love each other and live their own lives in the way the want to, but the victims of the wives due to everything. They've hurt themselves and so many people along the way, and while yes there is probably some rose tinted glasses worn when thinking about their future that never could have been, it's no doubt that their lives would've probably been better if they could just be together.

ANother thing I also love is how coded the speech is in that movie. The whole time, whenever someone is referring to one of the two men, they're always talking in this ambiguous ways, or skirting around certain topics. Gay men (and women) in the American past have always had to hide themselves and their love from the world. So damn good.

10/3

Hajike. Hajike has been on my mind A LOT lately.

What is Hajike you ask? Well, it's a way of being, a life philosophy, its what you say and when you say it, it's a way of tapping in- into your the deep layer of your subconsciousness and ripping from it a thought or image that is then projected into the world for all to see. Or hear. Or whatever. Now that I'm writing this, I think I'm realizing it's just a way to get in touch with your subconscious, like all good art seems to do.

But the brilliance of it is that it is so utterly stupid and chaotic that it really means nothing at all. But it also means everything. I haven't really encountered the embrace of this before. You know what, I should actually just go ahead and explain it better.

Hajike is a principle concept in the bizarre comedy anime Bobobo-bo-bobobo. It is just being as random as possible- either with your actions, or words, or pathways of logic when approaching life. You can use it as a fighting style, a way of solving issues, or just catharsis. Yes, not only is it hilarious and stupid, but I think I have been tapped into hajike all my life but have been suppressing it. Doctor Seuss has the quote:

“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells.”

or some shit like that. I don't know why, but I've always been really good at free-associating words and things. Very random images and ideas come to my head very suddenly, and it feels good to just shout them out.

Is this mental illness? Is this ADHD? Probably, yes. Do I think that it's a part of who I am? Should I let it out? Absolutely.

I can't remember where I read this, but somewhere I read that human brains process emotions first before rational thought. That is so true. We feel things before we get to think about them. It also makes evolutionary sense that that is how our brains our wired. So to me, I think hijake, as well as any creative expressionism, is that realm that exists between the emotion and the rational thought of our minds.

I'm a bit scared to start embracing hajike, because in my quest for more mental clarity, I feel like it could cloud my mind more. I just have these outbursting feelings of energy and thought, and I feel like I should do something about them??? Should I work harder towards channeling them? Or do I let those outbursts come out from within me and out into space? I'm really not sure?? Hajike-no-mine.

Here's a hajike story coming right off the dome for me: Officer Jangle sat in his office, his hair barely sticking to the tips of this head. He mustarded around the room, leaving bits of hotdog in his path. Pay-most, his rival officer, was in his office across the hall. His eyes glazed over a sheet of paper that told him how to ham the ho-ho case that had been on his mind since Monday.

Monday came and went without even the sound of wind to pass them by. The killer had not been caught, and the peanuts were still on the table for anyone's taking.

Hajime, the newest member of the squad, suddenly came bursting into Jangle's office. The door banged off the wall like a gun.

"Officer Jangle!! I have the culprit," Hajime screamed. He clutched a messy pile of papers.

"Well who is it boy??" Jangle shouted back? "Well, I think it was Jay-min, the janitor.

Through the burst-open door, Jay-min was walking by. Right as Hajime shouted the man's name, he turned and looked at the two officers.

His eyes widened to the size of two peanut shells, before he took off down the hallway. As he ran, he farted with each passing step.

Now, after writing this, I feel very dumb and bad. Well, that's an overstatement, but it feels grinding and stupid to me. There's nothing in my mind, I'm not actually visualizing anything, I'm kind just realizing I'm writing words on autopilot....

I don't know how to do anything :)

9/28

I think what I'm truly beginning to realize is that I will never, ever, EVER, be truly comfortable in life. No one can be. Life is about pain and living through it. That is to say, my life has barely been painful at all. But yet, at all times, I seem to be in some sort of mild psyche pain. I think that's because in the West we value comfort over everything else, a by product of capitalism maybe? I don't know why. Instead, I find that almost all my suffering seems to come from when I try to comfort myself from pain. I try to run from it or stop it, instead of just embracing it. Now, of course I'm self aware, and if anyone is reading this, know that I'm seriously okay. In fact, I feel more resilient and ready to take on life now more than ever. My feelings and mind are all about an ebb and flow, and I'm truly realizing that instead of despairing over pain, I should really experience it. Pay attention to it. When I can't seem to write, really try it and flounder in the pain. When I can't do what I ideally want to do, I should just push myself into it. I need to stop getting into bed to comfort myself and watch Youtube videos all day. Well, I mean, sometimes maybe that is what I will do. Life is all about pushing on the pleasure side of the pain, and now I want to start pushing on the pain side of it. Not articially so, but whenver something painful is happening in my life, I really don't want to turn away from it. I want to work in it, work through it, and really feel the pain. Not in a romantic kind of way, not in a way that's like "oh wow, how amazing it is that I'm feeling anything at all" kind of way. I mean in a horrible way. Like truly do things I deeply don't want to do, and numb my rational mind to the rest of it. We'll see if I actually do this. But I will try. I really will. And I pray in the moments that I lose this perspective that I stop avoiding doing the things I need to do and just do them. It's not about focusing every part of my mind to a task at hand, it's just about getting the task done and doing the damn thing.

9/26

Soup meat... That term has been on my mind for several days... A rotten soap meat to keep my grandma away... I feel like I'm tired of dissexing everything and now I just want to embrace the mystic, or what I would previous call "being ADHD" or "mentally-ill".

Of course I've been aware of morning pages, just letting my mind roam free to write down whatever comes to the forefront of my conciousness. But it's so crazy to me how random and urgently these things comes to me. "Soup meat" has been a reoccurring idea in my mind since this past Sunday. Our group of close friends had a soup potluck party and listened to scary stories. I guess that's where this soup thing is coming from. I really don't know why. But anyways, now I'm going to up the floodgates and just free assosciate. I'm now going to let whatever comes to my mind be written down:

Soup-may be hornidasser. Mendway be a furmone. En tient et talliwhoagus mini mimen me mo mo.

I don't know, know everything is seeming really forced. Sorry to anyone else who happens to stumble upon this.

Another thing that is tugging a bit at my mind today is the suicide of a guy I know from the gym. To be honest, I did usually get a weird vibe from the guy, but not in a mentally ill way. He always seemed to be scheming with other guys in the locker room, usually talking about money jobs and getting "compensated for advanced work." He just always seemed like a finance bro, disguised as a long-haired mountain man from Denver. He was always trying to host these meet-ups to talk about coding and coffee. I went to one of them, but it really did seem like a scam... He was talking about how he wanted to build a tech conference in Harrisonburg and basically made it seem like we were all getting in on the ground floor. It really was that kind of vibe, some arbitrary goldmine that he had the brilliant idea to tap into. I remember something that really turned me off was when he said something to the effect of, "I have big aspirations for myself and anyone else in my orbit."

I got this image in my head of Dave thinking of myself as some goliath. Of course, I've learned that you really do need to believe in yourself, have pride and confidence that you are destined for great things if that's what you want to do. But the part about people being in orbit around him: to me, that really told me a lot about how he sees himself and the people around me. Foreign bodies, rotating in the gravitorial wake of the main attraction.

Anyways, yesterday one of the young men Dave was sinking his teeth into saw me in the locker room and beckoned me over. In a hushed tone and his thick, Salvadorean accent, he told me that Dave had shot himself in the head about two weeks ago. Obviously I was very blindsided and thought that was crazy. What I appreciate about the young man, Alex, was that he told me that if I was ever in an unhealthy place, one of suicide or just depression, that I should never hesitate to reach out and talk to him. Of course I reciprocated the response, but I thought, even though I can speak passing Spanish, I've never offered true support to someone else in my non-native language like he did.

I've been trying to look up what happened to Dave, but there's no mentions of the incident anywhere online. All I could find were his crazy videos online of him reading the bible, or videos of his clearly bored children being taught how to code in Ruby.

Very crazy stuff. I scrolled through his Github, LinkedIn and Youtube channel before I had to turn away. It was both disturbing and enthralling. I feel horrible for his wife and children.

It really does just go to show that you never really know what someone is going through. Going to the gym and taking care of your body and just a piece of overall health, and that mental health and making your life decisions as carefully as you can are vital to your survival and wellbeing. Alex said it was something that had to do with his family life, and I don't know the details, but suicide should never be the answer. It is the only answer to someone who is mentally ill, convinced that darkness is the only path ahead.

9/19

All the prayer is for nothing, no touching, I find it disgusting.

Honestly feeling a lot stronger and good today. I woke up once during the night for an hour or so, but then feel back asleep until 9:30. I started my day feeling pretty well rested and ready to take on the day. I texted my brothers and told them I was excited to see them this weekend and I really meant it. Then I talked to my mom on the phone and it was really nice. I feel like I have a light-weightedness to my today. Up until today I was feeling a sort of dread about my cousin's wedding this weekend, but now it feels like I'm really going to be able to enjoy idling at the resort and spending time with my family. Speaking of this, I probably need to reach out to Peter and tell him that I'm prioritizing my time with my family instead of hanging out with him. He can definitely hang with us, but I don't know what I'm going to do about playing pickleball or getting a massage. Maybe he can join along??? I don't know... Surprisingly I'm not too stressed about this at all.

Anyways, I also got a haircut today and it honestly feels amazing. I spent quite a bit of time in the mirror trying to style my hair and give it more volume but nothing really seemed to work. Even with the hair drier and ruffling it up, my hair just wants to fall flat against my head and curl up behind my ears. I kept looking at the back of my head and it just wasn't looking like what I wanted it to. Yes I do feel some pressure to look more clean-cut for the wedding but I feel like my time in the mirror this morning was just me accepting that my hair really wasn't looking like what I wanted it to. The hairdresser told me my hair was so fine (as in thin) and it just wants to lay flat lol. I think that short hair just suites me a bit better. It does look pretty clean-cut and pretty-boy and old-fashioned, but I honestly really like it. I think I look handsome.

I'm looking forward to seeing the sleeping specialist tomorrow. I'm a bit wary about if my insurance will cover the cost, or if I'm going to have to pay out of pocket, how much it is going to cost me. It is such a hassle to even get an estimate on how much Sentara is going to cost. Honestly I just don't care anymore. Give me the consultation and I'll be looking forward to what the doctor has to say.

Anyways, I'm going to continue working on my computer stuff and write some more in my story. Thank you

9/18

I think it's so crazy. I think my approach to writing in general has changed so much in the almost month I haven't updated this tumblr. When I first started on this tumblr, I was doing a morning pages style with free association. I would try to get as many words as I could out as fast as I could write them. While I do think this can be a form of meditation and can maybe free myself of the fear of writing. I think I was approaching it in the wrong way. Just like with a typewriter or a pen, I feel like I need to take time between sentences to think about this. I need to know where to go with these things. Once again the fear of being a bad writer prevents me from starting, just like that of the programming. I think that both writing and programming are extremely scary to me because they don't really have all the answers waiting for me. They're both so abstract, and there's so many approaches to either on of them that I never really know if I'm doing it "right," I just know when I'm wrong, by either enummerable errors in vscode or that when I read something I've written, it just seems terrible to me. The victories don't really feel like victories when it comes to writing or programming. It just kind of feels like an eternal struggle, that I have to muster up the energy for each time I attempt either. Once again, I know life ebbs and flows, you feel so strong one week and then hopeless the others. I just have to keep trying to establish routines and rituals to carry me through. And as far as writing or programming goes, I think I need to find ways to make the victories feel like true victories instead of labored steps. But the question is, how? Instead of forcing myself into a routine, how can I make it feel good?? I mean, like when I started going to the gym, it was really a labor for quite a while, but now I do enjoy going to it, and my actions to go to the gym feel automatic, like it's just something I do in my week. Of course, when I get there it's sometimes really hard, but then I just make myself do the minimum that I've designed and get out feeling better. But it's the feeling better part that doesn't really happen with me in writing or programming. I feel like it's a chemical thing with lifting weights that makes me feel good, but how can I get that to happen with writing or programming? Does this mean that I shouldn't be doing either? That I'm averse to either of those things? I'm just not sure. It sometimes literally causes me psychic pain... It's why I avoid it at times. It feels like it hurts and the payoff is never really that great. Therefore my mind turns to other alternatives. In fact, I feel like I'm constantly distracting myself with other inputs.... subconsciously and even against my higher will. I guess I will pray to God and see if they will help me out of this. That's another thing too, I think I'm really starting to believe in god now. I came across a really interesting concept by a philosopher named Ken Wilbur, called the four quadrants of knowledge. The starting top left quadrant is that of personal, subjective reality. This is the realm of religion, spirituality, dreams. The next quadrant, the upper right, is the personal objective reality. This has to do with the physiology of your body, science and objective reality. The next quadrant is the bottom left, which is that of the collective, subjective reality. This has to do with culture, societal norms and values. The final quadrant is that of the objective collective reality. That has to do with the economy, and technology in society? To be honest, the last quadrant is the most confusing for me to understand.

Anyways, with this framework in mind, I feel like I've been spending way too much time in the second, upper-right quadrant. It has to do too much with the material, "objective" world. While yes, I do believe having a firm grasp of this is what our society values the most and it is extremely important to have an understanding of it, it is very devoid of what humanity really holds. Humans are obviously such spiritual creatures, and instead of me just dissecting that and dismissing all notions of that matter, I've come to realize how important it is to not only indulge in that kind of thinking, but truly listen to it...

I think growing up in the early 2000's where culture was really starting to become "self-aware" and therefore self-conscious makes me have this complex of laughing at things I deem "childish" and "imaginative." I also think that growing up in the church and becoming aware of the horrors it commits also makes me inclined to turn away more mystical thinking. But now, I think there really may be something to this... It is a realm I have really been neglecting. And it's not like I have to become religious or anything. This realm also has to do with my imagination, and giving it more room to breath and operate. I mean, that's where I have some of my best attitudes, is that I allow myself to be happy and have a carefree attitude towards things.

Anyways, I'm honestly already starting to feel better about writing in general. I think that it can really be freeing and focusing. I also took 75ml of lions mane extract today, and I do feel like that's having a concentration effect on me, and in the best way. I'm about to do more research on it, as well as the four-quadrants to get a better feeling on that forth and final quadrant. I'm also fearing doing the following things, so I'm going to write them out to expose myself into maybe making me do them:

Look into getting my haircut and styled so I can look good at Matt's wedding this weekend

Clean out my car

Clean up my room

Write Matt's wedding speech

Work on computer programming

Writing my book

(Not really scared of going to the gym, but I'm writing it down because I want to do it anyways)

Also, I kinda feel like I want to stop doing the tarot cards because they kinda scare me. I think I'm going to stop doing them for now until I feel better about them. I know the are in the first realm quadrant, but I think their mystical power literally scares me lol

Thank you everyone!!

8/22

You hav to rmemeber that you are in control. You have to garnesa and harness the persona you want to be I have to remmeber that you are in contrl of your life, and you can beat the instincts that tell you otherwise. I need to recognize when you're doing things that are unbecoming of what you want to be in life. Rememebr that you have fragmaents of yourself that combine into woh you are, but it's up to you to isolate those parts of youtrself and act through them when you need to. I guess it's hard wehn you think about things so rigigdly, but recognize that you have to get into the flow and you know that when you're experience something that's super fun, you're probably going to eperience the dopamine withdrawns taht come with that, and that's just the way of life. Remmebr to make things fun, engaging, realize that you're so new to so many things you're doing in your life and that you have to keep pushing on to do stuff. Also, I think you that to not look at the computer screen as much and instead thin about the flow of what your'e writing. Let's try it seemlessly like this

8/14

It's 5 minutes before class. I just got back from pickle ball, and I've been in a depresision-like state today

Not really mentally, but physically. I've started taking melatonin and I think it's making me insanely drowsy during the day. I'e been taking half doses, but tonight if I fee l like I need it, I'm just going to take a quarter dose. My lower back hurts really bad and I'm knees feel tight and loose at the same time. I'm having extreme trouble focusing on anything, and my body feels a general malaise. I don't know if it's because I didn't really eat yesterday or because of the melatonin, but I feel COMPLETELY AND ABSOLUTELY thrown off from my routine and I'm really seeming to pay for it. I need to wake up feeling more rested and restored instead of weak, drowsy and super hungry.

Uh-uh, everybody know, everybody go Everybody knows how that goes Moon and sun, fear and love Everything a part of love Head, heart, light against dark Uh, everything a part of love Uh, everything a part of love Earth, star, everything falls Everything a part of love Rain and snow Everything a part of what you are Love, love, love, love Everything a part of love Love, two as one, fall in love Everything a part of love One, one, two, one, two Everything a part of you Everything a part of you Love is one, everything there always was, us

5/21

Card: Six of Pentacles - Reversed

I've been feeling really really bad these past few days. As per last post, I've been feeling pretty off since I got back form my trip to California. But these past two days really started when I woke up at 4 am two nights ago and I decided that I was just going to get up. My body always likes to wake up around 3 or 4 and I really don't know why. I googled it and one of the results told me that it's just a naturally more light sleep cycle part, and waking up at these times could be caused by a number of factors. Stress, low exercise, pain, insomnia. I'm not really sure what it could be, but I got so annoyed and fed up with my body that when I woke up at 4 am, I told myself "You know what? If you really want to wake up then, then lets fucking wake up then!" I drank an espresso and started my day on the computer watching a history documentary and browsing the web. Probably not the best way to look to start the day, now that I'm looking back on it. But, I was determined to stay up all day and try to get to sleep back in a normal cycle.... But I made it about 6 hours or so. Around 10 am I fell back asleep and slept for an hour or two. I just had a headache all day and felt like shit. I really felt depressed again, and I told myself that I would just allow myself to do whatever it was that I wanted to do. That included watching tv and YouTube, which I did almost exclusively yesterday. I knew that I would be restless, so in order to get some sleep last night I took a Benadryl. I had hoped that it would keep me totally asleep throughout the whole night last night, and it definitely did help. However, I did feel myself wake up late in the night. I didn't look at the clock, but I knew it was probably around 3 or 4. I kept my eyes shut and rolled back over in the bed, and tried to drift back off to sleep. I successfully did so, and I think that was on account of the Benadryl. I woke up this morning feeling groggy from the Benadryl, but that was a foregone conclusion. I just woke up still feeling like I had no energy and no focus, and that's when I realized I was death-scrolling on my phone all yesterday and this morning,

I have deleted facebook off my phone, but I would still constantly check it on my chrome browser. It is ridiculous how addicted I had become to Facebook and I just needed to get off of it so I downloaded a Stay Focused app to block me anytime I try to go to Facebook.com URL. since I've downloaded it I think I've tried to access Facebook like three or four times, and each time it successfully blocks me from entering the page. It is amazing, and I think I'll keep it on for as long as I can. FUCK FACEBBOOK AND ADDICTIVE SOCIAL MEDIA WEBSITES.

Another thing I realized is, before I had my insomnia spell, I decided to cheat and ate a Wendy's burger and fries for dinner the night before. I think I finally broke down and got fast food because I had a low-lying hunger in me for the past 3 days. I had done a good job "eating clean" and not trying to overeat, but I just felt like I could eat a horse at all times. So, after battling low-level hunger for a few days, I decided that I would stuff myself and get a burger. Well, that was a horrible solution.

First of all, the fries weren't very good. Secondly, the burger wasn't that good. It tasted bland for about half of my eating of it, then the second half was definitely good, but not as good as the time I first recently had a Dave's double in the DT van on the way home from Richmond. I feel like I've constantly been trying to live up to that time of eating the burger. I don't know if that burger in particular was just really well made, or is it just the classic heroine "chasing the high" syndrome.

Anyways, I felt like shit for the rest of the night, my stomach bulging and I was constantly farting. Terrible decision all around, and now I'm kind of glad that I made it. I just realized how terrible it made me feel, even though my mind wanted to eat it so bad. It once again, after countless times, proves to myself that I can't trust my brain and it's cravings. It's for that reason that yesterday I chose not to eat too much. I had a good lunch of steak, shortly after I ate some nuts and a couple pickles, but for the rest of the day I didn't eat anything.

I think I just want to get back onto fasting. Whenever I have large and intense cravings for food, I need to remember that I can curb my hunger pains with saltwater. I need to go to the store and buy more mio, because just drinking saltwater straight-up is not very good. I need to remember that I can't trust my own mind, which makes me very sad but also I realize it is part of the reprogramming process. I have set certain neural pathways in my brain that have trapped me or put me in addictive and negative situations. I need to live like that ascetic, deprive myself of just SOME of the MANY things I'm addicted to or think I need, and I will reach a better state. So much of life is suffering and delaying gratification, and I just always always always have to remember that, almost only exclusively view the world through this lens. Because we are humans controlled by brains, and that is literally all I know about who I am and how we are all driven to do things in our lives.

Oh yeah, I also almost forgot one of the most important things I experienced this morning. At the worst of how I felt, I decided I needed to meditate. I did a more length 35 minute mediation, and when I was finished almost immediately I felt better, without even trying!!! When I feel like I'm just doom scrolling, I need to remember that I can meditate to reset my brain and it is an absolute solid strategy!!!!!!

5/20

Card: The Empress

Yesterday I had a really great day. It was my friend Erich Sneller's 33 birthday, so in the evening we celebrated by going to a local park. We lounged on a blanket in the grass, but we had games we played. Spikeball, Pickleball, and our friend Trevor brought his one boards that we all took turns practicing and riding around. I mainly played pickleball, because I and so much fun playing two days ago. I really hope our friends keep playing soon, because it's just such a fun way to be very present and exercise while also socializing.

Anyway, I played two games with Danny, Kylene, and Erich, and me and Danny won both times!!

It was fun yesterday because I also spent a lot of time with Danny. Around 2:20 I went over to his house and we spent about 2 hours digging up an invasive Wisteria plant in his backyard. Wisteria is a beautiful plant, but it is not native to Virginia, and it grows like a weed. It's honestly amazing how crazy fast it grow. Our overall strategy was to attack it at it's cores. We were not sure, but we thought that some previous owners of the house had planted the wisteria around the side planters on the back deck. Who knows how long it had been since they were planted, maybe over a decade, but the plant's woody roots had spread through beneath the deck and were growing all over the walls of the house. It was even trying to grow up into the side paneling of the house, and Danny had to reach up and yank all of it out because it was separating the side panel from the wall of the house.

Anyways, our goal was to try to remove as much of the root was possible. Danny had already started by attacking one side of the deck, but now we had dug up the corner of the deck plant bed where there seemed to be a big nexus of roots. We dug up huge roots of Wisteria, but the diligent digging took forever. The angle of the shovel was very awkward, so we had to use a little garden shovel to dig out the little bits of dirt that we could. The even crazier part was that in order to get underground, we also had to dig up subterranean bricks that grass had grown over due to years of no maintenance. SO, not only were we having to dig and pull up very connected and stubborn roots, roots that had created foundations there for years and years, we also had to unearth and stack bricks.

It was pretty labor intensive but it was honestly really fun to hang out with Danny. We obviously talked and joked quite a bit, but it was also good for Danny because I tried to help him solidify his plans of attack and overall strategy and viewpoint of how we were going to handle destroying the plant, as well as helping him visualize how else to approach the many other problems of his yard.

While working on the yard, Danny brought up a game that he had mentioned to me several times before call Heroes of Might and Magic. It is an old PC game from I think 1995, in which you play as a hero own builds up towns and armies to defeat other civilizations through battles and conquering lands. I really didn't know anything about the game, but Danny as described it several times to me and it seems really fun.

After the hard work of the yard, we went inside, each drank a few glasses of water, and went to his computer room and booted up the game. Immediately I was drawn to the aesthetic. Such a cool looking medieval game, with over-the-top cheesy music, that was both aw inspiring and ridiculous to hear. Danny walked me through the different factions (I ended up picking the lizard faction) and we jumped right into the game,

I honestly went into the experience with an open mind, but really I was just here to entertain Danny. I didn't know if I would actually like the game, but I was very open to the experience and wanted to see what it was all about. At first I realized there are so many different mechanics, and I'm someone who really likes to try to understand how all the components of something works before jumping into it. I was a bit overwhelmed by everything, and I barraged Danny with all of my questions. He was so good at immediately answering everything, and explaining his overall strategies and why I probably should or shouldn't do a certain action. He never really described the genre of game it was, but as I went along and learned more and more about how it worked, I realized that while this game is pretty clunky and dated, it combines a lot of game genre's that I really enjoy. It's a light city-builder, isometric exploration and battle tactic game, all set in a high-fantasy setting. It is so fucking awesome, and honestly very inspiring. I had never really seen a game like this before, but all of these elements blended together really seemed to work and inspired me to want to continue working on my board game.

I think a big reluctance as to why I stopped working on the board game was because I was a bit nervous as to if the blending of game genre's was really going to work. My board game is a city-builder, but also an area control game, and also a dice-modifying card combat game. It definitely does need more editing and tinkering, but seeing this game really does feel inspiring to me. It also just makes me want to buy it, lol.

It was very fun playing with Danny. It was fun hanging with him as well, because we talked a lot about the darker sides of US history, because in the past we had talked about 9/11 and the aftermath of all of that. He recommended a documentary to me called America's Untold History with Oliver Stone, and I began watching that last night. It is currently on WWII, and it is very thorough and fascinating. The current episode I'm watching right now is about the Atom Bomb, and the political climate of the united States under FDR. I realize that history really is so complex and interesting to uncover.

5/19

Card: The Star

Man, I'm just now looking at the date and I can't believe I haven't written anything on this page in almost a month. I feel like a lot has happened, but for some reason I've been "too busy" and have been avoiding writing in this page. Since the last post, I began writing more fully on OTCAD. I also finished my preparation class for the Codesmith program. I also took my first technical interview, and it honestly went much better than I thought it would. It's strange because I felt like Codesmith had been teaching us very basic concepts, but then it would be testing us on much easier ones. I kind of found this to be true with the technical interview, and it felt like I did a great job with my technical communication skills. The main thing I'm concerned about is the actual technical skills and know-how when it comes to approaching a problem in a software engineering way.... Without knowing the tools to approach problems, I really don't understand how you can work on communicating those approaches. Anyways, I did a good job with creating basic composite data type, using callback functions and even using objects and closure to keep track of all my successive function results. I just need to work on recursion and more OOP related concepts, perhaps like creating prototypes and classes.... Basically creating functions that create objects with certain properties. I suppose I'll continue practicing those using Chatbot to generate approachable practice problems and use my own way to learn the concepts, instead of Codesmith's terrible learning tools. My next technical interview is May 30th, so I'm eager and nervous and anxious to go ahead and get that out of the way. I feel like it's at an awkward time of waiting, and in the meantime I feel like I need to go get a job because I'm running out of money, quite rankly.

As far as recently life events, I just got back from California as well. It was a family trip out to LA, Palm Springs and Joshua tree with the main goal of getting everyone together and visiting my older brother, who lives in West Hollywood. To get into it, I'm feeling very discombobulated from the entire trip. I really felt like my family was not very mentally present during our time together. The trip was really helmed by my older brother, Mark, who is very computer-like and has an engineer and yuppy mind. He is very robotic and not very emotionally mature or expressive with himself. To him, life is more about ticking the checkboxes on experiences instead of fully embracing and enjoying them. To him, it's all about going to as many nice restaurants that he can, without really enjoying the food or realizing his place in life at all. I noticed he really lacks a lot of self-awareness in his relationship with his boyfriend. He doesn't seem very physically attracted to his boyfriend's body, and all Mark wants to do is fuck other guys. Of course that is fine, but I really feel like he is just in this relationship with Cole because they have such a long history together and it feels very comfortable to him. He has convinced himself that he's in love with Cole, but really he's just addicted to the comfort of it all...

Cole is a fine guy, I mean, really. He's very logistical (he works in logistics professionally), he's a pretty self aware guy, he's got nice fashion and a good haircut. But he is a very shy person, and he seems very dependent on Marijuana. He smokes a lot, and when he's high he doesn't really talk, just gets dazed out and chills in the background. At all our dinners, I really got the sense that he's scared to talk and he always really gives off a patronizing vibe. It seems like textbook anxiety to me, as I've seen it in my ex girlfriend. They're scared of saying the wrong thing because they're petrified that someone's opinion of them might be bad. I totally understand that, I've certainly been there. Just being overly conscious of how others might perceive me and I'm still that way to a degree. But what I began realizing is that, for me, it's really much more based in ego than being a considerate person. In the past I just wanted everyone to love me, so I would just read people and tell them things they wanted to hear. Being "overly positive" or overly complimentary instead of being honesty. What I found out, especially due to an interaction with Jake's Dad on the eastern shore, was that he was calling out my polite table dinner talk because he knew it was phony. He knew that nobody likes a little bitch how is overly positive and glosses over painful, hard, or real facts about life or their feelings, just to seem like they are the golden human sitting at the table.

That's definitely what I feel about Cole. Yes, he does everything right on paper. But deep down, he has strong feelings and opinions on things (like every single human being on this planet) and he always locks those away for fear that people will not like him. Well, I have found that in moderated doses, honesty and giving "hot takes" are what people actually find interesting in a person, and it is living more in truth to who you actually are... It's way more interesting that way, and to me it is cowardly and very lame to just roll over on your back and act the way you think you ought to in someone else's company.

Anyways, I've been dissecting my recent trip a lot with friends, probably to their exhaustion to it all. The trip really threw me out of my routine and zone, and I feel like I've been struggling to get it back ever since... I'm feeling pretty thrown off center and I'm just trying to recalibrate myself back to my day-to-day and keep focused on the life I have at-hand.

I'm going to pray that my family becomes more present in the moments of time we have together, and that instead of just rushing around or being to preoccupied with whatever we're doing in the moment, we begin to actually engage with each other and our own thoughts and feelings about what's going on in our lives, because to me, that's all that really matters at the end of the day (and the end of our lives)

4/17

Card: The Sun - Reversed

The sun was setting on the Thames, and the rays of sun fginted off the Thames,, making Ralegh's eyes tighten. As he loked out over the river, he watched hundreds of wherries bobbing frantically in the crowded waters. The majority of them were samller than his current craft and carried a varied number of cargo and passengers. He watched the wherrymen frantically row, drerssing in sullied rags. Cargo with large crates, ---------

He was headed back from his meeting at the Tower of London. Since he had returned to Lodon, he had been on strict business trying to tie up loose ends of his most recent enterprise. Ships had like earilier this year out of PLymouhth, and he had intended to join with them. The ocean had other plans, and he turned hium back on May 6th.

Ralegh had been dejected. Of ourse he oversaw the venture, secured the funds and favors of investors around the Royal Court, but he felt inclined to join for two main reasons.

The first being that, wITHOUT HIS DERICT INVOLVEMNET IN THE VOYAGE, HE MAY NOT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO SECURE THE TRUST OF HIS INVESTORS. Sure he had been able to talk his way in and out of the favor of the queen, his eloquence was well known, and his investors even knew that. But there came a time when you had to put oyur money where your mouth has- give some legs to the ideas you;ve been pouting in with grandoiusa imagery. By joining on the expedition, his finicaciers knew that he wasn't just the idealist, but the executioneers.

Policital enemies of his would even be inclinded to patron his voyages. Not only from the very solid track record of his exploits, but at the very least they could hope for his very death. Death was a common part of these voyages. If his opponents could not only make a profit, but could win his death as an added bonus, they certainly would sign right up.

But it was with great pain that Ralegh had to return from the voyage. Off the coast of dreaded spain, right off of the contended rock of gibraltor, a storm ahd struck their fleet and killed a few. They had lost a few key members of their trip, along with suastained damage to the hull of a few of their key ships, The GOLD MAID and CenterPiece. The next day they had sailed back to heir launch point in Plymouth, England.

Now Ralegh was back, tradded his seafaring vessel for that of the Durham House Wherry. His ego was knocked, like taking a big horse from a man and then giving him a pony to ride. He knew he was just in his head about this all, but in this very moment, it played in his head. The feeling of being the head of this little wherry seemed a promonition for his recent luck, one he would not let continue to take a downward turn. At least, as he looked out over the crowded Thames, he could find comfort in that his boat stood among the biggest of the peasant's small crafts.

Traveling downrivier on the Thames was a lot quicker than just upward trudge to the tower.

Now on his returnal back to Durham, he felt split between to the things that made London, well, London.

On his right were all the riverside estates of nobles. The lanicasters of Harrowhall, The starks in House Winchester, the carrigans in Longhouse. Each estate known for their lavish furnishings, riverside garden sancutaries and artchetecture of historic reverence. Further down these house, along the river Thames, lied Ralegh's house of DUrham.

Though the other noble houses may have been bigger, or fancier, or held in more historic regard, Ralegh knew his house of Durham was the envy of many others.

While the old house of Durham wasn't the most eloquent, it was one of the houses closer to the Royal Court of the Queen. When she granted him residence of that house, everyone knew why. She had favorewd him, and wanted to keep him close.

All the houses lining the Thames, as if impatiently in line to get the WHitehall palace, and each person in line doing whatever it could take. Whitehall palace had been buitl 100 years ago, and the queen had been residing there for over since hear reign.

Within the past 60 years the palace of Whitehall had expanded to become an asbsaolutel marvel. After the coronation of Henry VII, he expanded upon it to make it an exattraavagant and explansicve. Many nights it wouldn host the members of the royal court with plays, feasts and galas wheere the nobles connected and grew their wealth. If you were admitted entrance to Whitehall, not only were you going to have a good time, but you would mingle upon some of the highest social strata of the time.

So of course, when the Queen granted Ralegh residence of the house almost ten year ago, but a few house down the street from Whitehall, other nobles grew envious.

Every time on the Thames, when Ralegh could see the proximity of Durham to the palace, it filled him with joy. It may have not been the nicest house, but it was certainly one of the most important.

But to the left of Ralegh lied what seemed the opposite of the vying social powers and ridoiculous games the civilized nobles played. To his left lied what many considered the underbelly of the city, the area of SOuthwark.

Southwark was the seedy underbelly of london, wherre the savage side of humanity was let free. It was a district of pleasure and savagery.

In it laid taverns infamous for drinking and gambling. There were the modern day roman colosuems, were many a man would catch a game of bear or dog baiting, and maybe even gamble a bit.

In southwark also lied one of the most famous playhouses in the country, know as the Globe. You but a few pennies you could watch some of the baudiest comedies to dare be performed in public. In the mud-floored theaters filled with the stench of hundreds of peasants, you would be shown the minds of playwrights high and low. Ralegh's good friend Kit Marlowe had had a few plays preformed there, along with Ben Johnson and a guy called William Shakespeare.

Beyond Southwark lied nothing but swampland. A decaying land that hovered just beyong the depravity of civilization. many of the relgioous types loved that image. They claimed that in that district of sin, the ruin beyond would soon reclaim it. The ministers of london thoguht it best that southwark break off from the city, floating into the dcayed wasteland the lied beyond it.

What self-righteous talk, Ralegh thought to himself. He himself had seen a few nobles there themselves, the very ones of defamed and blasphemized that rotted realm. The least the could do was have a bit of honesty about their comings and goings to it.

The boat shuttled along, other wherries recognizing it's noble design and weaving their ways around it. It made a straightway past the realm of the right and debaucherous left straight to the landing dock of it's destination, Durham House.

On the dock stood the estate's high steward, surrounded by a group of lesser butlers and dockworkers to receive Ralegh and his crew. As the wherry approached the docks, the boatworkers stood around the perimeter with ropes in their hands and silent determination before throwing them to the counterparts on the gangway.

Everyone on the docks dutifully caught their ropes and leaned back on them, leveraging all their bodyweight to pull the wherry in. Some shouted commands at their peers as others sweated in labour, and the boat began aligning with the dock. Above it all stood Ralegh, starting directly at the high house steward, who silently smiled back.

When the boat docked, dockworkers came with a small set of stairs and created an east way for Ralegh to exit the boat. He stepped off the boat, making sure not to ruddy his shoes, and walked up the dock to join the high steward, leaving the commotion of the dockworkers on the dock behind him as he ascending through Durham's portgate.

Good evening Lord Ralegh. I trust your business at the Tower went well?

It was fine