What can wash away my sin

Nothing but the blood of Jesus

What can make me whole again

Nothing but the blood of Jesus

Oh precious is the flow, that makes me white as snow

No other fount I know

Nothing but the blood of Jesus

A Letter: Lament of an Aching Heart

Dear Lord,

I was and still am confused and wounded from yesterday. Hearing something I never thought or expected from someone can sometimes shake me. I know You want me to always see the good in everyone; to rather be more trusting than critical of others. You know how much I try to obey You and apply what I know of Your humility. But I do not understand why I get slandered by own family in You. I will not flinch getting insulted or looked down upon by an unbeliever because that could be coming from their own unregenerate nature but from a believer and sister in You hits me like an arrow straight to my heart. Doesn’t she get convicted and pained by the things she tells of others, Lord? I have forgiven this person over and over again but even without much time spent together she could still somehow find fault in me and even my best friends at church and spread it to other ladies. I thought leaving our dgroup will finally silence and give her peace in her heart, that healing will find us all and that is what I have been trying to believe and treat her. I thought we both did not keep record of wrongs. But even before, in her smiles and compliments to us still, we would find out from others the things she says behind our backs. It grieves my heart to think what kind of hurt is prompting her to treat me and my friends this way. Lord, what else can I do? You want me to love her even after knowing how much she slanders us to other people who try to comfort and sympathize with her hurts toward us. And I have done and will continue to do that. I just ask Lord to strengthen me and make my heart softer still because so many raging thoughts run in my head. I am so pained that I sometimes ask how is it that You want me to always extend kindness and grace, treat her with the love You give me, and still want and pray for her best even when I find out multiple times how much she maligns my name and best friends’ names to other people; when I could feel like seeing our downfall would give her some sort of satisfaction. Her words, her hurtful words, her false and twisted stories, doesn’t she tremble knowing You heard her say that about me and my best friends? Couldn’t You humble and discipline her too as much as You do with us, Lord?

And even just blurting out these silly bargains, I can see how little humility I actually have. Why do I still care that she does the same for me? You did not expect anyone to do anything for You when You were here on earth, Lord. You just served and served to the point of death. So why should I demand what You did not even ask from us? A wretched soul I have! Clearly, You still have a lot of things to work out in me before I can mirror and be like You, Lord. Oh heal me Lord. Give me the courage to love as You love me. And I ask for courage because I fear so much, I fear that she will continue saying things about me and I will find out again and be hurt. I fear of being slandered, Lord. But You defend me. You always impress upon my heart that if I keep silent and not try to defend myself, You instead will fight and protect me. David practiced and knew this by heart as evident in Psalms. So I pour my heart to you just like he did.

She is my sister in You, Lord. And I pray that she may grow more in love, grace, and humility in You. Not just in knowledge of You, Lord, for knowledge puffs up a soul, but in genuine holiness without which no one can see and be with You. I still believe You can and will change her, Lord. I know You never leave even one child behind.

I also thank You for comforting me in this pain and lovingly correct my heart and the dark thoughts it possesses. I am grateful to You, Lord, that You see to it that paths of righteousness be laid before me. Truly, You and You alone are the good shepherd, my good shepherd in whom I am secured.

Yours forever,

F

Let go, O my soul. Surrender that which you do not understand. Nothing you keep will be made alive. What has not died cannot rise again. Trust His love, His steadfast love.

Unmined Gems

I believe I have not thanked you enough for giving me ladies to lead, Lord. My precious and dear ladies whom You have given me are close to my heart. Each of them has distinct and beautiful characteristics. But it is adorable to think that somehow we are still much alike. Most of them read, like art, and are creative in their own ways. Also, most of us are hopeless romantics who believe that true love exists; that a love so deep and sure will come our way and break our high walls we built to guard our hearts. We also enjoy pampering ourselves with talks of skincare and dressing up. But that is not all that we do. We also journey together through ups and downs in this life. We cry and laugh about things that frustrate and test us. I do not claim that leading and being with them is easy, Lord. But they are worth every time I give away, every preference crossed, every pride relinquished, and every affection I show. I know now why You put them in my life. You want me to be like You, my Lord. You want me to empty myself as You emptied your life here on Earth. To put others first is the only way to joy. How counterintuitive to what this world bombards me with: "Respect yourself enough to walk away from those who hurt you". But that is not the way of the Cross. As You said in Your Word, "Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor," and "Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight." You teach how to live a full life, Lord. And honestly, whenever I am full of myself, that is when I am most miserable. When I make a big deal out of my troubles and start to pity myself, thinking how sorry should others be for me, it is when I lose strength and sight of what is ultimately essential. Looking away from myself and choosing to focus on You and others provide me more comfort than ranting and seeking consolation ever could.

Moreover, I know that I am far from being the perfect leader. I know I have shortcomings and more things to work on in leading my ladies but I also know that You will be with me and us every step of the way. I ask You, Lord, to give me wisdom and strength to lead those You give me to disciple: my unmined gems gifted by You. Bind us together in Your love and make us desire You above any earthly hopes we have. The road is narrow and we still have a long way to tread, Lord. Be with us. Be with Your longing daughters; we are Yours. Make us wholly Yours for all eternity. Amen

Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.

-James 1:12

“I do not think that all who choose wrong roads perish; but their rescue consists in being put back on the right road. A sum can be put right: but only by going back till you find the error and working afresh from that point, never by simply going on. Evil can be undone, but it cannot ‘develop’ into good. Time does not heal it. The spell must be unwound, bit by bit, ‘with backward mutters of dissevering power’—or else not.”

-C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce

“If I am soft to myself and slide comfortably into the vice of self-pity and self-sympathy;

if I do not by the grace of God practice fortitude,

then I know nothing of Calvary love.”

-Amy Carmichael, If

“If the praise of man elates me and his blame depresses me;

if I cannot rest under misunderstanding without defending myself;

if I love to be loved more than to love, to be served more than to serve,

then I know nothing of Calvary love.”

-Amy Carmichael, If

It is not through pride,

that my heart finds light,

Not through worthless daydreams of what I could change or possess,

Not even by wishing others feel as I feel,

Not through making a facade of delighted ease,

No, not through these does my heart soar

Not through recalling my own pain

Not by rants and complaints

Not through getting what I covet

Not even by having more than what others hold

No, not through these does my heart be in bliss

Not in tears and sorrows magnified

Not through false modesty of the mind

Not by thinking less of the direness

Not even by entertaining distractions

No, in all of these, my heart lifts not

But in humbly accepting what is in front of me

In choosing to believe that God appointed this portion to be good for me

In setting my hope that what I go through now counts forever

In reminding myself that I belong to the God who redeemed me

Who bought me at such a high price of His blood; too precious and valuable

Through looking unto Lord Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith

Through seeking His will and obeying His statutes at whatever cost

Through waiting with eager hope for His glory to be fully manifested for all to see

These, and in all of these, make my heart fill with utmost joy and satisfaction

These keep me going and surviving each day

Only in Jesus, my Lord Jesus, does my heart rest and sing

Learnings

I say there is nothing more wonderful that can happen in my life apart from being called to be one of Your children, Lord. Nothing could ever surpass the joy that there is with You. I pray more people will come to know You. You bid all to come and taste and see Your goodness. And the more years I spend with You, the more I realize how vastly different living in You is.

For one, Your blessing and favor always follow me. I know and have seen it several times, if not all the time. You answer my prayers and petitions. But sometimes, You answer it in ways that I do not think or expect. For instance, I pray to have a godly and God-glorifying relationship and You answered that I should apologize and seek reconciliation amidst pain. You wanted me to be humble enough to forget myself and seek the good of others. You wanted me to die to myself in order to produce the love only You could bring out of me. As if to say, "You pray for a godly marriage, I will teach you how to be a wife who would fear my name first. And if you will not choose to die to yourself daily, marriage is not for you." And that is something my finite and foolish head would not have thought at all.

Another is I have been praying for a stable income and high-paying job so I will not depend on my parents or anyone for that matter. But again, You answered differently. You gave me a trial I would have never seen coming: my father's health declined requiring surgery. You provided me a high paying job but not to suit my own needs but to extend my hand to others; to give more and not take it all in for my own wants. As if to say, "My child, I emptied myself when I was on Earth. Giving is the only true way to live. I am He who provides."

Most importantly, I am praying to be closer to You and know You more. And You answered that I should learn to fear Your name. Loving and fearing You is not the same. Loving You is something that I am well familiar with, I say it that way because it is simple to love You (simple but not easy, Lord, I just want to be clear on that so as to not make bold claims). But fearing You requires knowing more of Your holiness and holiness, as fallen human beings, is totally foreign to us. No attribute of Yours sets You entirely apart from us but holiness. So how could we know holiness if not for Your own working in our souls? Without the regenerating and sanctifying power of the Holy Spirit, what could we ever know about it? And this is something You are still working in me; to fear You with all my heart, soul, body, and mind. It is resounding in what I have been reading: the books of Proverbs and Ezekiel. So far, I have learned that fearing You keeps me away from sin more than just trying to obey because I love You. I do not understand but more often than not, if I am being honest, I trample on Your love. Wretched soul that I am, Lord. But fearing You, it gives me a sense of awe that my whole body trembles and makes me obey You humbly and instantly. And I want to know more of this, Lord. Open my eyes and make me understand how to fear Your Holy name.

Good and upright is the LORD; therefore he instructs sinners in the way.

He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble his way.

-Psalms 25:8-9

And Moses said to Aaron, “This is what the LORD spoke, saying: 'By those who come near Me I must be regarded as holy; And before all the people I must be glorified.

-Leviticus 10:13

Jesus said, “Blessed are the peacemakers, because they will be called sons of God”

-Matthew 5:9

Today, the Lord is teaching me to fear His name. To have a holy fear and revere Him with all my life. And fearing Him entails that I obey Him, even when it hurts. Even when it does not make sense to me, I am to follow Him. He prompted me to make peace with people I was hurt by and people I hurt too. It is an understatement to say that He granted me peace as He helped me obey Him today. Only those who humble themselves will really see His grace in everything. I praise You, Lord, for humbling and quickening my heart to obey You. You are indeed the good shepherd.

Be Still, My Soul

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;

bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

in every change He faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heav'nly Friend

through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake

to guide the future as He has the past.

Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;

all now mysterious shall be bright at last.

Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know

His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul; when dearest friends depart,

and all is darkened in the veil of tears,

then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,

who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.

Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay

from His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul; the hour is hast'ning on

when we shall be forever with the Lord,

when disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,

sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.

Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,

all safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

-Kathrina von Schlegel

“We can afford to follow Him to failure. Faith dares to fail. The resurrection and the judgment will demonstrate before all worlds who won and who lost. We can wait.”

-A.W. Tozer, Born After Midnight

Failed by this world’s standard but never by His sight

Tempest

I told myself I will not post anything again about how I am lately. But my thoughts consume me. They seem to beg me release and write them. I wish I do not have to be this much of a thinker. I wish I could just brush things off so easily and effortlessly. But who am I kidding? I just think and feel too much. And even when I give it to God, they linger. So for my sanity, let me write. Let me do what I know best: bleed out thoughts.

I am starting to realize that all (and I mean all) who ever tried to court me did not really want to love me. They just wanted to be loved by me. They wanted me when they thought they had a chance to be with me. But when I crushed their hopes, they changed how they saw me. Some might ask, “Aren’t you lambasting them?”. But I did not see them that way at first, they showed that to me through their actions and words. Just when I started to believe that someone might actually love me without anything in return, wait for me selflessly even after hearing a “no”, and was willing to risk it all one more time, my hope was soon shattered. Each of them was asked by my leader before they even talked to me: “Are you willing to die for this lady?”. And I was told they each said yes. Yes, but one death from me through disappointment and they all scurried back to their comfort zones. Yes, but will not suffer in courtship, and yet they thought I believe it will be true in marriage.

I know it is only natural for a man to want to be loved with returned affections and I acknowledge that. But as Austen once said, “I am determined that only the deepest love will induce me into matrimony.” If that is their preference (to be wanted as soon as possible, without much agony in waiting, without much sacrifice and risking), then I shall hope they give me leave to my choice as I let them have theirs. I came from a long line of broken families. My very own parents, aunts, and uncles have broken marriages. So am I setting up too high of a standard? Not at all. I just want unwavering, stern, and enduring love because I have seen too much of broken promises around me to settle for an untried and unproven confession of love. Each of them had different responses to disappointment; some remained amiable and some were surprisingly unpleasant. And it makes me believe how wise it is to go on testing any man who would ever try to court me. I hope to see how he turns out when told a “no”. I hope to witness if he would have that fortitude of a mind to hope against hope. I hope to know if he will have unwavering courage to ask me once again after it all. I know what true love is because Christ first loved me. And I know that the love I want from a man does not fall far from His love. So even when I get criticized for thinking this way, it is something I know is from Him and protects me from any less genuine affection vying for my commitment in marriage.

Lord, now that I have written all these things, may I cease to be bothered by them. You said that You will keep in perfect peace those whose mind is fixed on You because he trusts You. You also said that You are close to the brokenhearted. So hold me close and keep me in Your perfect peace. I do not want to carry this. Take it from me and give me Yourself in return.