29/07/2020 - lost

I think I am beginning to understand why Alicia journals. When you have alot of thoughts going in your mind and you don’t have anyone to talk to about it, I guess the best option is to let it out here. Sometimes, it is difficult to even talk to Alicia about it because maybe we are just from two different worlds. I know she probably wants someone who isn’t such a depressing and boring guy so I am always hesitant about telling her my issues. It’s her first relationship, what would she know. 

Anyways, I have been feeling a bit down lately - pretty sure I got rejected by another round of banking interviews so I guess I am now just stuck with Protiviti now ... 53K salary lol what a joke. Why did i go through law school just to go into a shitty firm like this. 

Another thing that has been bothering me recently is my brother and sister’s relationship. They seem so close now and it never use to bother me but I have been getting this feeling of exclusion. Or is it a feeling of jealousy. I think this is just my mindset changing. Making alot of realisations that I am not as good as I thought i was. 

Something that has also been troubling me for a long time is just my friendships. I can quite confidently say I have no close friends, no best friends. I am not sure if this is just how guy friendships are but I just feel like all my friendships are so shallow. I do not have the urge to talk to anyone except Alicia. And the people I do want to speak to does not really talk to me. Is this my problem? Is it because I am boring? Why can’t I connect with anyone? Have I just not found the right people? What do i do? I am worried about showing my true self, i dont think people will like who I am. Where did all my confidence go lol. I hope this changes ...

24/05/2020

Hi, 

I am in this state of mind again where I just do not know what to do with myself. I have all this free time and i have so many things i need to work on for myself but i dont know where to start. Whenever i start something, I just lose motivation to continue to pursue it because the end goal just seems so unrealistic and unattainable. Like should i even bother applying for UBS when i cant even get a job at a big 4 bank or big 4? All my efforts seem so futile. I spend alot of time on trying to get a job and i end up with nothing. Should i keep trying to look for a job or should i just give up and be satisfied with what i have. Should i just leave it up to You to decide for me. I am just so tired of this. It feels like i am tredding water all the time just to barely keep my head above water while everyone else has learnt to swim so quickly. What should i do? Perhaps I need to set goals. Short term goals and long term goals. I have done this so many times and i always end up forgetting about it. Maybe i will try again. This time maybe less. Maybe 2 short term goals that i can focus on. and then what is my long term goal? I think my life goal is to be happy ... obviously. So how is my happiness defined by? I think 2 things: 

1. Being surrounded by good people who care about me and can mutually benefit each other. 

2. Earning enough to provide for the people i care about and making an impact on the world. 

Okay so what is my long term goal that can help me achieve my life goals? I will keep it short to 2 things

1. Being more sociable and likable - being interesting and considerate person 

2. Read and explain things faster  

So what do i need to do in the short term to achieve those long term goals

1. Talk to more people - Build relationship with 1 new person every week and hold the conversation. Share your opinions, talk about yourself and also ask them questions.   

2. Learn about one new ‘relevant’ topic every day that you can explain and provide an opinion on (1hr) - think about someone who you can explain that to

3. Spend 30 minutes on AFR articles and finance related things everyday

I really hope i stick to these ... 

02/05/2020

 Hi,

It is me again. I just came back from seeing Ricky and Andrew and Daniel. It has been a while since I have seen them and it was nice catching up with them. Doesnt even feel like i have drifted from this during this whole COVID situation. I am glad i have them as my friends because they are fun to hang with and really, they are my only friends that i really talk to. Everyone else just seems kinda distant. It is hard to sustain a conversation with  other people. It always just feels like a very dry conversation. Not sure if it is my fault or the other person.

I read some pretty interesting quotes this week which i want to share: ‘Happiness is not a destination’. It means that you should not define your happiness by you reaching a certain goal, or achieving something in the future. Obviously that is important but it also means that you should define your happiness by what you have now and the things around you. Be grateful.  I thought this was quite relevant when i read it, especially with my recent job hunting. I had expected so much from my KPMG interview for the restructuring team, i was really looking forward to it and when it didnt happen i thought all was lost. I had no direction, not sure what to do and panicked so much i felt like i had anxiety issues. Now, i think i am taking it a bit better. Big 4 isnt everything. I have other career opportunities. Hiring is alot about luck. Obviously, the more capable, the less you will rely on luck. 

I also need to become a better person. I need to be more likeable as a person because that is essentially how you win in life. You can go anywhere and make decent connections. That is my goal. For now. And for that to happen, i need to abide by principles. i realised it was something i didnt do when i was younger. i didnt set strict principles for me to follow and so i ended up having the reputation of a fuccboi, or being called unpleasant things. I want to be someone that people will like when they see me, be described as ...  RELIABLE, HARDWORKING, CHARISMATIC, GENTLEMAN. I added one trait that i want to work on to achieve this. Compassion. i think compassion is something that is in most charismatic leaders. I need to be more thoughtful, nice, considerate, empathetic. I think that can start with me being a better family member, better brother, and listening to my inner voice, listening to God’s voice. 

Last thing i just want to share is what my sister said today at the dinner table about Alicia. I think everyone feels like, after meeting her, that she is out of my league. Michelle especially said that she was elegant, high class ... . I was just a bit surprised how she already got that vibe from her from meeting her once and it just made me think how i really present myself. Am i really that unworthy of her that they can notice it up already. LOL i dont really know what to think about that. Even my family doesnt think i am capable. I think that is what hurts me the most. But i guess, they are right ... she is more confident than me. I worry alot and i need to stop. i need to be more sure of myself. If i dont believe in myself, then who will.  it will take time but i will get there. 

17/04/2020

Today i realised i may have mild anxiety issues. My mind is just always so crowded with thoughts and i am always lost in my thoughts. How can i concentrate and take information when my mind is already full. Luckily i remember some mediation techniques from before and that helped a bit; ‘your thoughts are just car passing on the road and you are sitting by the road watching cars pass. Dont get carried away with them. Just sit and watch the cars go by...’. Another method is to breathe. Stay in the moment by focusing on your breath. Take deep breaths. Use your diaphragm. And last method... maybe journal. 

i also had groupwork with Susanna and Alicia. I did not know what the fuck was going on. i felt so useless. i couldnt contribute. Another thing i realised.... i suck at teamwork LOL. Can i finally find something that i am good at? What am i good at? 

Ok time to watch Itaewon with Alicia. Something i really look forward to everyday. 

16/04/2020

Hi, 

I am going to start writing again. I started my blog in SquareSpace before but my website expired so I have to find a new site to write. Why am I writing again? There are 2 main reasons. Firstly, it seems like it will be a good outlet for my thoughts and random crap that goes inside my head. For the past few months, I have realised alot of things about me. Mostly, things that I am bad at or I am insecure about. One of these things is my inefficiencies from my lack of ability to focus. There is always so much going on inside my head that I end up spending alot of time on a task that should have taken considerable less time. So hopefully by being able to dump my thoughts here, I will be able to focus a bit better on my work. Secondly, my writing skills suck and i always struggle to express my thoughts clearly. So hopefully i can take this opportunity to practice and improve my writing skills and learn to express myself better. 

I probably will not be able to keep up to date very much with this blog knowing the person i am, so probably everytime i write something will be when i am not feeling that great. But i will try and also include happy moments with every post.

So i guess i am writing today because i just feel a bit confused, lost and empty. So many thing things have not been going my way and i dont know if it is because my life is always unlucky or maybe my unlucky quota is being used up right now. I havent been able to secure a grad job despite the current COVID19 circumstances which accordingly should make the hiring process easier for me because everything is virtual. I feel like it has just been a waste to study 5 years, work so hard just to come up with nothing. Am i really that dumb? Am i really just working hard and not smart? Why do i feel so useless? All i want to do is just get a good job, support my family so my parents who have worked so hard in their life for me can just go into a happy retirement. I want to help people, i want to make an impact in the world. Why is it so hard to do that? I work so hard but i never achieve anything. WORK SMART NOT HARD! 

Another thing that has kept me worried is obviously my Dad’s condition. He has lung cancer stage 4 and everything seems so fine...for now, so that is good. But at the same time because everything seems fine, we act so normal and i am not spending enough time with him and i know i will regret it. We dont know how long left he may live for, another 5 years? Maybe 1? Or less? Being in quarantine is probably Gods best gift to us... the gift of time to be able to spend time with Dad and my family. I need to work more efficiently so that i can spend more time with him. I will regret it if i dont. I have to stop making the excuse that i always have work to do. i really hope he can be here to watch me graduate. Thats the least i can ask for. I will really miss him. 

The last thing that often keeps me thinking is my relationship with Alicia. I love her so much. I am really scared that one day she will leave me. We have gone through so much, from the beginning seeing each other, through exchange, meeting her family, her friends. But she is such a nice girl. She is smart, pretty, tall, ambitious, caring, genuinely nice really, shes everything that i can ask for. She also have a wealthy, complicated background. It makes me worried that I might not be enough for her. i dont have an awesome job, or even a job at all atm and she is so competent, i think she can get any job she wants. I am not rich or particularly any good looking. She can really easily find someone better. i know i shouldnt think this way but i am worried she will leave me. I also feel like i have drifted from my friends because i havent really found the urge to need to speak to them. I am just satisfied with Alicia. Is this not a good sign? Am i too dependent on her? Im not sure. i know i really love her though and i hope we will last ... and maybe get married. But before that i know... i need to be better ... as a person and in my career. 

I still have alot of thoughts but i am tired. I smoked up with Alicia last night and didnt sleep too well. Speak to you next time.