maybe i’m ready to let someone in. 

i think i’ve come to accept that i’ll never really fit in with cameron, joe and timmy and i think i’m okay with it. i’ve tried my best and i guess some people just don’t click. i don’t think they’re horrible people but besides being the butt of all their jokes i don’t really see why they keep me around. i’ve always wanted that one strong and unbreakable friendship where i can open up and tell them anything and feel like i have a soulmate and while i kinda feel that way with some people it would be nice to have that someday. i’m not sulking over not feeling like i belong anymore, i know how smart and capable i am and that should be all that matters.

as far as everything else, i have no idea what danny and i are doing. he asked me to go back to his old place in washington with him to help move and i met his brothers? he’s been calling me baby? i don’t know how i feel about it. sometimes i think it’s nice but i also don’t know if i want something exclusive right now. either way he’s amazing and is one of the few people that make me feel so special and happy. he makes sure i eat, he asks me how i’m doing. idk i wanna keep him around and i guess see where things go. i’m trying not to look too deep into it cause that’s when i always fuck things up. 

shut the fuck up :)

honestly hearing andrew say “you’re so nice i can’t believe i thought you were a dumbass” was really eye opening. it was nice of him for genuinely apologizing that he let other people influence him without getting to know me first. it’s made me realize that maybe some of my friends really aren’t my friends. this whole elliot is a moron mentality that a select few seem to carry was fun for maybe a day or two. lachlan also told me it was fucked that they made fun of me so much but i kinda brushed it off like i always do. i’ve been neglecting talking to some of the people who have badmouthed me and made me feel bad i’m instead paying more attention to and striking up conversations with more people who validate me. it’s almost sad that when someone is remotely nice to me i get so happy and i guess it’s been kind of on me for letting it go that far and not standing up for myself but you kind of get used to it.

so just for me to look at, here’s a list of people who have made me happy the past few days in no particular order: andrew, danny, jimin, aleks, marisol, lachlan, margot and hyunjin.

having too much faith in people and constantly expecting the best outcome with nearly everything is going to be the actual death of me. 

i wanna ask to see you but i’m not sure you’re into it and maybe i need to start moving on.....

1. text my ex back after days of wondering if he’s gonna ghost me again just to have the actual air punched outta my damn lungs

2. let a boy tell me he’s not just in it for the sex just to shut it down with sex

3. book a trip with someone i just met with the promise of sex 

4. miss and want my ex all over again

5. hopes the boy tells me he’s not just in this for sex again

6. lay down on my apartment floor for a solid six hours

“i’ve fucking regretted it since i walked out the door that night.”

then where have you been? make no mistake, i never sit around and wait for anyone, no matter how badly i want them. you’ve been mia, acting like you give a shit then disappearing again. i’ve had new bodies in my bed and new feelings develop then your name appears on my phone and my heart plummets through the floor. 

even if you break my heart again i’d help you though all you needed. i don’t care how much money you owe, i want to help. if you need to talk at 5 am all you’d need to do is pick up the phone. i hate how weak i am for some people, it makes me feel like i can’t control myself and that opens myself up to a lot of hurt. i’m booking a spontaneous trip with someone i don’t even know, hiding things from my brother, opening up to the wrong people, ect. ect. and oh boy do i wanna turn my brain off for 78 years!

i deleted all the convos i had with people who upset me/made me anxious despite how much of a cry baby that makes me sound and idc i love that for me. 

unrequited crushes are so gross and if i’m on the verge of another one i’m gonna punch myself in the face 27 times!

“Once you’ve met someone, you never really forget them.”

Spirited Away (2001)

i’m gonna ignore the fact that you stood me up because i’ve honestly missed talking to you. if you vanish again i’ve been through it before and i can handle it again.

i have friends? i guess? besides lachlan, danny and a few others idk how some people i talk to on a daily basis would respond if someone were to ask if they’re friends with me. for some reason i’m struggling to connect with anyone and it’s been bugging me. there are some days when i want nothing to do with anyone, days i just want sex, days where i want a genuine connection with someone who will talk with me till 2 am and fall asleep next to me at night. i’ve been leaning towards the latter lately which i also hate because that is so not me. i’m usually fine on my own. 

then i think about being aleks’ best man and an uncle and my heart swells. i have so much to look forward to and i can’t believe i have a family that loves me as much as they do. that baby is gonna get the whole world and i’m gonna make sure of it!

i know that my brand to some of these people is being “dumb” but it’s really starting to upset me at this point

when you figure out what the fuck you want from me, let me know. in the meantime i’m clocking out. 

he’s also super in love but can’t talk about it because he’s bad at having feelings

i hate going through periods where i feel like i annoy everyone i talk to. 

i don’t feel connected to anyone or anything no matter how much i try. i get so excited when someone acts like they care and i always tell myself it wont last bc it never does and then when i’m proven right i get all ??? like i’m a whole ass idiot for believing otherwise. sex does nothing for me anymore and i don’t even want it. i got high after aleks left and i was like huh this is only getting me more into my feelings. it’s like the things that i used to make me feel something aren’t even desirable to me anymore and it’s starting to scare me.